See You Later
A Thousand Tiny Steps
This is the last episode - for now maybe and I can’t believe I made it to 5 years. In my first episode I was uncomfortable in front of the camera and now I can’t imagine my life without it. I did so much from writing a book to being in a TV commercial. As I look forward, I have to clean my house, Gracie goes back to France, Jack starts school, and I figure out what’s next. Key Takeaways: [0:00] I did this for 5 years and that’s amazing [1:57] My first episode was so different from now [4:24] I said my childhood was relatively normal, but nothing about it...
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Which Version of Barb Will Follow Through?
A Thousand Tiny Steps
As I look back on my last 10 years, I realize there is always a major event that happens in my life every decade. And as I look forward 5 years, I realize Molly will have been dead longer than she will have been alive and there’s a lot of feelings that come with that. In this episode, I chat about some of the things I’ll be doing in the absence of recording this podcast and how I’m trying to stack my habits one at a time. Key Takeaways: [0:00] What’s happened in the last 10 years of my life [4:57] Unique, nuanced things I did in grief [5:59] Not being...
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I’m Frustrated with Myself
A Thousand Tiny Steps
No lesson today, just a venting session about what really matters in life, what I’m not getting out of it, what I’m frustrated by, what I’ve loved, and what I’m doing to change. I don’t know where I’m going, but I do know I want to do it with intention. Key Takeaways: [0:00] I’m frustrated with myself: following through and money management [3:32] Health is my only real wealth [4:44] Is work a means to an end or an encompassing purpose? [5:23] Spend less money on things and more on experiences [6:02] Holding grudges is like...
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Trauma in Every Decade
A Thousand Tiny Steps
At this point, I’m just anticipating whatever traumatic event will happen to me next because some sort of disaster seems to follow me every decade. Sexual abuse, drinking, my life dating life, getting married and divorced twice, losing my career, doomed friendships, brain tumors, and losing kids. Key Takeaways: [0:00] The best part of podcasting has been the people I’ve met [2:05] Trauma at every part of my life and here’s the beginning [3:19] The problems began with the sexual abuse [4:18] Telling my mom about the abuse and becoming an athlete [6:02]...
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Bill Luti's Race in Concord
A Thousand Tiny Steps
Coach Luti changed my life from the second I said, “I’m gonna be a star!” He saw me as a teenager to an adult and no matter what I went through in life, he always treated me the same. I’ve directed the race in his name for 30 years. Before I started doing it my life was very standard, but after I started? Not much. It’s shown me the full circle of life. Key Takeaways: [0:00] First day of my theater camp [00:38] I’ve been the director of the Bill Luti Race for 30 years [2:35] We should honor the living, not just the dead [3:53] The 50th race was the...
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After Molly: Heaven and Belief
A Thousand Tiny Steps
After Molly died, I absolutely believed in heaven. If I didn’t then it would mean Molly ended up nowhere and I can’t cope with that possibility. It’s also because I have seen so many amazing mediums who gave me such accurate details I know it couldn’t possibly be fake. Knowing what I know now, I have a different perspective on dying, from beauty and joy in tragedy, and what unconditional love looks like. Key Takeaways: [0:00] I went to a funeral for a previous runners mom [1:51] I believe in Heaven after Molly died [3:18] God is always present and in...
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The Price of Settling
A Thousand Tiny Steps
I’ve been thinking about justice - and how Molly will never get it. I settled the lawsuit and took money and I wonder if that’s a mistake. If I hadn’t taken it I could tell so many stories about people’s characters and that’s its own kind of justice. It’s a balancing act: I now have money to help others, but I can never reveal the full truth. Key Takeaways: [0:00] What is justice and does it exist? [4:09] Reading my book about the justice we had for Molly [13:06] What wasn’t in the book: my drug use and how aggressive the lawsuit was [15:00] I...
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Generation Jones: Caught in the Middle
A Thousand Tiny Steps
As I contemplate my life, I realize some aspects haven’t really changed at all. That as much as I embrace things like using my phone to schedule things or text, I still cling on to the nostalgia from my childhood. Writing letters, having homemade food, and bopping along to the Styx and ABBA. In this episode, I look at how my childhood changed rapidly as I’m sandwiched between Boomers and Gen X-ers. Key Takeaways: [0:00] Music from the 70s is still popular today [1:54] The jokes surrounding “okay, boomer” [3:58] Good habits from baby boomers: keeping...
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You Have A Reason to Celebrate
A Thousand Tiny Steps
My friend is having to relearn how to walk and it’s frustrating to him, but he’s making little bits of progress every day and he should celebrate that. You should too. So often we only celebrate the big wins, the things that we deem worthy of celebrating. But in reality, everything is worth celebrating because you are inherently worthy as a human being that exists. Key Takeaways: [0:51] June is a month of new beginnings [2:13] Children’s awareness month and pride month [3:05] African American Music, the zoo, and why do people think eggs are dairy? [4:09]...
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I Broke 5 Minutes in the Mile. Then I Watched the Tape.
A Thousand Tiny Steps
I broke 5 minutes in the mile - and it’s not how I remember it. Memory is such a crazy thing that changes over time. We amplify some parts of our memory and dull others to fit the image we want to see. That’s what I did, but I have it on video to compare to my memory and it’s wild to see. Video is linked here and it’s helpful to watch to follow along with this episode! Key Takeaways: [0:00] Your memories change over time [2:11] Watching the video of me breaking 5 minutes in the mile [3:40] Going from asthmatic to realizing my potential [4:34] Finding...
info_outlineI’ve been thinking a lot about aging… and purpose… and what it means to still matter.
This is where I’m at right now.
Connect with me:
Transcript:
This is a man with an incredibly high IQ who helped thousands of children in his years as an educator. When I called him up to thank him, he cried, and he said, it's just so nice to feel needed.
My good friend David, it's like he's fighting an uphill battle all the time. And, and he remembers that aspect of himself. He is definitely still wanting to contribute to society. He was super helpful with me last week on a school board issue, and so this hurts me, and makes me sad and I'm surrounded by it.
I'm now caring for my mother. So I have an older person for whom I have great love, that lives with me. And, and the more I watch her, the more I see where she's, you know, beginning the long walk home, right? Where she's struggling physically, it's a reminder that there's a lot she just can't do by herself.
Then I look at Kenny, who's 70, he'll be 71 in September, and all of the myriad health issues he's had, and I worry, am I expecting too much of him?
I wake up at night and I'm worried. I have a body that's already showing signs that it isn't what it used to be. I'm 62. I'll be 63 in July. So I'm clearly at a place in life, where I have far less ahead of me than behind me.
I just need, support, in my role as an aging human with a little boy and a caretaker to people who are aging much faster than I am.
I know on the school board. I'm just another person who doesn't wanna let go of the past. I should move on and let the people 20 years younger than me take over and acknowledgement that I'm not ready to be here. I'm not ready to step aside, nor should I.
I have two really good friends from high school. They just don't ever stop remaining connected to their families and my family, we connect, but not at all like these families do.
When I wake up in the middle of the night because it's a lot of self-reflection to have I lived a good life? Am I ready to be where I am? You know, if I had not had Jack, what would I be doing?
And, I never once didn't think about my age when it came to having Jack, but that was such, that was such a spiritually, emotionally driven time and decision that I know I was supposed to do, that I feel that Jack is my purpose and so he'll help me stay healthy physically and mentally and emotionally and all that - his existence, not him.
What am I satisfied with and what do I regret? And of course, someone like me is going to constantly focus on the regret, on the regrets. All the races I lost, all the people I hurt, all the things I failed at, rather than making a list of the things that I accomplished.
If I had not had the life I had, would my now time be different?
I look at my mother and how, somehow she's living here and like it or not, I'm probably gonna have to rearrange a lot of my house to accommodate her needs sooner than later.
She fell yesterday and, you know, banged up her ankle and her skin just cuts open. The skin just gets so thin. I hate when she falls, it scared the crap outta me. The sound of her voice when she was calling for me, she was scared.
It reminded me of when we had to walk down Mount Madison in the pitch black when I was seven. She had a tone in her voice that had fear in it. It scared the crap outta me. And I heard it yesterday.
Here I am: still wanting to set goals, still wanna go to the CrossFit games. Still want a million people to buy Molly's book. You know, I still want so many things, like I matter, like I'm contributing.
I’m not ready to not contribute. I'm at an age where it might be time for me to rethink about what I want. Not give up, not let go, just shift and recreate and see what the world has to offer.
I'm pondering my life as somebody old enough to collect social security - on one level, but young enough at heart and body and mind to kick ass in a CrossFit gym on a pretty regular basis.
So you know, who am I and why am I here?
{OUTRO}
I sit out here on my porch a lot and I think about all of this.
Usually, it just turns into an episode.
But if you wanna sit with me a little longer, I write some extra thoughts down and they end up in my newsletter.
Credits:
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