My Interview on The Human Experience
A Thousand Tiny Steps
I feel like everywhere I look now I see instances of secret keeping, of being told to be quiet, of lying for others. So when I listened to a podcast episode where a woman’s entire life she was told to keep a secret inside of her? That hit my soul. Which is also why I was so delighted when Jennifer chatted with me and got into how it impacts a person when they’re constantly told to be quiet. Key Takeaways: [0:00] The podcast that is all about keeping secrets [6:33] My interview on The Human Experience Resources: Connect with Barb: ...
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Running Taught Me to Love My Body
A Thousand Tiny Steps
Running was a part of my life for years and then… it was gone. I’ve had to rebuild my life piece by piece and in the process I’ve realized I need to get back into running. It’s the sport that taught me to love my body and more importantly gave me a community that understood the struggles and triumphs of running. Key Takeaways: [3:11] Running allowed me to love my body [5:11] The sexual abuse that’s prevelant to elite athletes [7:42] Being isolated from the running community [10:57] Thinking back to why I didn’t fight for myself [12:55] Running...
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What Does Consent Mean to You?
A Thousand Tiny Steps
I’m quiet. I freeze. I don’t say no. My consent is violated again and again by numerous people in different situations that still follow me today. I did a deep dive on the types of consent, what it actually means, and why the meaning of it gets tricky for people. In this episode, I explore the different types of consent and how those have gone wrong in my life. Key Takeaways: [0:00] Saying the quiet part out loud and sexual assault [4:11] I don’t defend myself or set boundaries [5:47] Consent: voluntary, informed, mutual, respect personal...
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Learning to Break the Silence
A Thousand Tiny Steps
The shouting starts, voices overlapping, and I freeze. I stay quiet hoping not to be noticed. Now, I’m having to unlearn that… A thousand tiny steps, right? It’s easier to not say anything, to justify the abuse, to defend those that have hurt me, but repeating traumatic situations because it’s familiar in my life can’t continue forever. This is how I’m taking small steps towards healing. Key Takeaways: [0:00] Giving $13,000 in scholarships [2:25] Cleaning out dance clothes [3:41] People want to be seen and heard [5:33] In conflict, I freeze up...
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The Number 13 is Sacred
A Thousand Tiny Steps
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Treat Yourself Like your Best Friend
A Thousand Tiny Steps
I went to Molly’s grave, but it’s not the same anymore. I know that as time passes, others forget, but I never will. So, as I grapple with that, I reflect on the amazing people I got to see, what I’m planning to do next with the podcast, and just sitting in my grief. Key Takeaways: [0:00] I don’t celebrate Mother’s Days anymore [2:50] The first Molly WOD not to be during death week [4:54] Visiting Molly’s gravestone and seeing Tim and Ricky [7:53] Kenny didn’t come visit Molly’s grave [9:46] Surround yourself with community in grief ...
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Visiting France with Gracie
A Thousand Tiny Steps
Grab a baguette or an Oreo Coolatta, and find out what Gracie has been up to for 3 months in France as I recount our family’s visit to France to see Gracie. From Gracie making a lot of supportive friends from all over the world to Jack eating all the ice cream he possibly can, and talking about the fact that it’s been 10 years since Molly died. Key Takeaways: [0:37] Gracie has lived in France for 3 months [3:05] Public transportation is one of the biggest differences [5:25] Food quality in France is superior to America [7:56] Disneyland Paris is different...
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Memories of the Boston Marathon
A Thousand Tiny Steps
As I’ve come up on the 10th anniversary of Molly’s death I look back on how as much as things change, they also stay the same. I was in Europe 10 years ago at this moment and that’s where I am now, but this time I’m trying to figure out where do I belong in life and how do I feel like I still have purpose as I age? Key Takeaways: [0:14] My memories of 2016 and going to Europe [2:38] Not going to the Marathon for years - and finally going back now [3:47] Reconnecting with so many lovely people at the Marathon [6:47] The...
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Lady Justice and the Sisterhood of the Crones with author Jennifer Speidel
A Thousand Tiny Steps
Jennifer Speidel, my long time friend and now author, wrote a book called Lady Justice and the Sisterhood of the Crones. A story of a corrupt world where women are silenced and it’s up to Mavon and Buluku to get justice, gain wisdom, and rise to their true power. Key Takeaways: [0:39] Why I decided to write my first book: womanhood and getting older [4:20] I started the book by writing the chapter titles and developing characters [6:05] Crones in the book and what it represents in real life [12:07] The...
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Gracie's in France!
A Thousand Tiny Steps
Gracie has been living in France and is here to tell us all what it’s been like! From navigating bonjour correctly to making friends with people from all over the world, and just being in your 20s navigating new experiences and a whole lotta change. Key Takeaways: [0:44] I’ve been working for Disney in France for a 2 months and here’s what’s different [6:22] The pastries are to die for, but the food is bland [12:14] Portion sizes are definitely smaller [14:12] Disney World Orlando vs Disney Land Paris [17:59] The French go on strike a lot [19:52] Work...
info_outlineI’ve been thinking a lot about aging… and purpose… and what it means to still matter.
This is where I’m at right now.
Connect with me:
Transcript:
This is a man with an incredibly high IQ who helped thousands of children in his years as an educator. When I called him up to thank him, he cried, and he said, it's just so nice to feel needed.
My good friend David, it's like he's fighting an uphill battle all the time. And, and he remembers that aspect of himself. He is definitely still wanting to contribute to society. He was super helpful with me last week on a school board issue, and so this hurts me, and makes me sad and I'm surrounded by it.
I'm now caring for my mother. So I have an older person for whom I have great love, that lives with me. And, and the more I watch her, the more I see where she's, you know, beginning the long walk home, right? Where she's struggling physically, it's a reminder that there's a lot she just can't do by herself.
Then I look at Kenny, who's 70, he'll be 71 in September, and all of the myriad health issues he's had, and I worry, am I expecting too much of him?
I wake up at night and I'm worried. I have a body that's already showing signs that it isn't what it used to be. I'm 62. I'll be 63 in July. So I'm clearly at a place in life, where I have far less ahead of me than behind me.
I just need, support, in my role as an aging human with a little boy and a caretaker to people who are aging much faster than I am.
I know on the school board. I'm just another person who doesn't wanna let go of the past. I should move on and let the people 20 years younger than me take over and acknowledgement that I'm not ready to be here. I'm not ready to step aside, nor should I.
I have two really good friends from high school. They just don't ever stop remaining connected to their families and my family, we connect, but not at all like these families do.
When I wake up in the middle of the night because it's a lot of self-reflection to have I lived a good life? Am I ready to be where I am? You know, if I had not had Jack, what would I be doing?
And, I never once didn't think about my age when it came to having Jack, but that was such, that was such a spiritually, emotionally driven time and decision that I know I was supposed to do, that I feel that Jack is my purpose and so he'll help me stay healthy physically and mentally and emotionally and all that - his existence, not him.
What am I satisfied with and what do I regret? And of course, someone like me is going to constantly focus on the regret, on the regrets. All the races I lost, all the people I hurt, all the things I failed at, rather than making a list of the things that I accomplished.
If I had not had the life I had, would my now time be different?
I look at my mother and how, somehow she's living here and like it or not, I'm probably gonna have to rearrange a lot of my house to accommodate her needs sooner than later.
She fell yesterday and, you know, banged up her ankle and her skin just cuts open. The skin just gets so thin. I hate when she falls, it scared the crap outta me. The sound of her voice when she was calling for me, she was scared.
It reminded me of when we had to walk down Mount Madison in the pitch black when I was seven. She had a tone in her voice that had fear in it. It scared the crap outta me. And I heard it yesterday.
Here I am: still wanting to set goals, still wanna go to the CrossFit games. Still want a million people to buy Molly's book. You know, I still want so many things, like I matter, like I'm contributing.
I’m not ready to not contribute. I'm at an age where it might be time for me to rethink about what I want. Not give up, not let go, just shift and recreate and see what the world has to offer.
I'm pondering my life as somebody old enough to collect social security - on one level, but young enough at heart and body and mind to kick ass in a CrossFit gym on a pretty regular basis.
So you know, who am I and why am I here?
{OUTRO}
I sit out here on my porch a lot and I think about all of this.
Usually, it just turns into an episode.
But if you wanna sit with me a little longer, I write some extra thoughts down and they end up in my newsletter.
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