Episode 206: How to Mourn the Loss of a Sibling with Annie Orenstein, Author of Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourners Guide to Grief

No one checks in on them, right? They often delay their own grief, put off their own mourning in order to support their parents and step up. But then? They remain there and they never really get a turn to express their own grief, or to be the mourner in the room.

Annie Orenstein ~ Author of  Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner's Guide to Grief 

 

Do you have a sibling? Most of us do. And according to author, Annie Orenstein, as children, we often spend more time with our siblings than with our parents. Yet as we grow, our sibling relationships are pushed to the background as we form other adult relationships in our lives.

So what do you do when a sibling dies?

In her new book, Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner's Guide to Grief Annie recognizes the painful, difficult role of a remaining sibling when losing a brother or sister. Our siblings are the only true witnesses to so much of our childhoods and who, “understand the workings of our families.” If the sibling dies before parents, grieving is even more fraught as the remaining sibling feels the need to lessen the parents’ burden.

Further, the death of a sibling is often met with the question, “Were you close?” as though the answer allows the degree of acceptable mourning. Annie notes that the simplest gift we can give someone who has lost a sibling is to ask, “What was their name?” to allow the sharing of memories.

Annie recognized the need to address such questions when finding little to guide her through the loss of her own brother. As she explores the stages of grief, she breaks down experiences in sections noting life with, without, and finally within, as she met both her grief and her joy in life with her sibling in this poignant and funny (yes, funny!) read.

Such fundamental change is a part of life, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier. Part of living a Brilliantly Resilient life is facing such challenges and finding the way through that’s best for you, regardless of “what’s expected.” 

For more of Annie’s wisdom, tune into this week’s episode of the Brilliantly Resilient podcast, and be sure to listen for these additional bits of Brilliance:

• Siblings should be naturally our longest shared relationship because we meet them before we meet our partners and if things go naturally, our relationship continues after the loss of our parents. Statistics show that in childhood, siblings spend more time together than with their parents. 

• We shared our childhood with these people. They are in many instances the only other people who remember our childhood and who understand the inner workings of our family, who understand our parents, for good, bad, or ugly., 

• It is terrifying to see your parents lose a child and to see that kind of deep grief. And it's known as a double loss because you really do lose your parents to some extent in that loss, because they're never the same.

• Someone will ask how your parents are doing but not ask how you're doing. They are really well meaning, but what you take away is, ‘Oh. were we close enough that I'm allowed to grieve? Am I? Why is no one asking if I'm OK? I guess I'm supposed to be.

• The simplest question you can ask someone who has lost a sibling is, ‘What was their name?’ You don’t get to say their name anymore. It feels good to say their name again. Ask how they lived, not how they died.

 Be sure to buy Annie's wonderful book, and let’s be Brilliantly Resilient together!

XO,

Mary Fran