"That's a Great Question," Season 4, Episode 4, September 26, 2024

What follows is the companion weekly column to this podcast, that explores this same topic.

 

That's a Great Question!

 

As teachers worldwide establish classroom norms this time of year, it is common to remind students , "There are no bad or wrong questions."  The intention of this is to normalize and encourage the asking of questions because, as  teachers often add, "If one student has a particular question, there is a good chance that another student is wondering about the same thing."

 

When it comes to relationships, we also say that there are no bad or wrong questions. We do, however, believe that there are some kinds of questions that rise to the level of being great questions, ones that can enhance the vitality of any relationship. 

 

So….what constitutes a great question?  Here are a few of our thoughts—and as always, we'd love to hear yours. 

 

A great question …

 

*…is open-ended. 

A closed question can be answered with "yes" or "no."  "Did you have a good day?" is an example of a closed question. An open-ended question, however, like "What were a few high and low points of your day today?" opens up space for a more expansive answer and greater connection.

 

*…explores new territory, allowing individuals to get to know each other better.  

 

"How did your family celebrate birthdays when you were growing up?" 

 

"If you could meet any historical figure and have dinner with them, who would it be and why?" 

 

"What's one thing you haven't tried yet in your life that you still want to attempt?"  

 

These types of questions open up new ways of knowing each other and help find commonalities.

 

*…is comfortable asking about feelings. 

 

"The news from the doctor wasn't what you were hoping for. Can you share what you're feeling right now? I'd like to know." 

 

"You said you were worried about this upcoming event. Can you tell me more about some of your fears?" 

 

To genuinely care enough to ask about, and then listen to, another's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.

 

*…is comfortable with silence. 

 

Sometimes, when asking a great question, especially one that invites a deeper response, there will be silence after the question. This is actually a sign that a great question has been asked and we need to resist the urge to fill the silence with a different question or a change of topic. Being patient while waiting for an answer is a great way to show respect to another. 

 

*…is neutral and free of bias.  

 

"You're not going to do that again, are you?" is clearly not neutral.  

 

Much better is, "You said you want to do "such and such" again. Can you help me better understand what is important to you about doing that?"

 

*…is asked with one's full, undivided attention. 

 

The best question, if asked while we are scrolling on our phone, is meaningless, as our actions speak louder than our words. 

 

Great questions, asked with undivided attention and a commitment to truly listen to the response, are the lifeblood of all relationships. 

 

As with all the teachers setting up the rules in their classrooms right now, let's make great questions the norm in our lives and our relationships as well. 

 

Making It Personal:

 

What would you add to this list of what makes for a great question? Which of the bullet points above speak most to you? With whom might you try out some great questions this week, asking them with undivided attention and a commitment to listening patiently?