The Wellness Compass Podcast

Each episode explores an aspect of personal and/or family wellness from a whole-person perspective with your hosts Scott Stoner, LMFT & Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT. Scott and Holly each have four decades of experience helping individuals, couples, and families. Scott and Holly are the co-creators of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being and the non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative. The Wellness Compass Podcast shares the same name as our weekly column/blog. The podcast provides an opportunity to explore the content presented in the column in greater depth with your hosts Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT, and Scott Stoner, LMFT.

"ASAP: As Slow As Possible" 05/23/2025

"ASAP: As Slow As Possible" What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast. ASAP: As Slow As Possible As we prepare to transition to summer, many people look forward to two things: more time outdoors and a slower rhythm of life. If you are a regular reader/listener of our weekly column and podcast, you know we take a break from producing this content between Memorial Day and Labor Day. We do this so that we, too, can spend more time outdoors and live our lives at a slower pace. When we recently came across several creative versions of the well-known phrase ASAP (see box above), we posted them on our refrigerator to serve as a compass for how we intend to enjoy this coming summer. All of these are a reminder to us that there is more to life than hurrying. And we have been fun creating our own versions, too. In our fast-paced, always "on" world, hurrying is seen by some as a badge of honor. Many of us rush from task to task, conversation to conversation, rarely pausing to breathe, let alone reflect. While we may equate speed with productivity and importance, this culture of constant motion comes at a cost—one that takes a toll on our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. There is an excellent quote that also appears on our refrigerator door. "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." The quote is often attributed to Lao-tzu's ancient book Tao Te Ching, or Book of the Way, but we have seen it attributed to other sources, too. No matter the source, the wisdom is a good reminder for us all as we transition to the rhythms of summer. And let's not confuse slowness with laziness. Slowing down is an intentional choice in the midst of a culture addicted to urgency. It's one thing we can do to reclaim our wellness, our spirit, and our lives. We invite you to consider alternatives to the familiar ASAP that might guide your rhythm this summer as we have been doing. One idea we came up with is to make this summer a time to"Allow Space And Pause," which is precisely what we will be doing with pausing our column and podcast over the coming months. And as we take a break until September, we wish you all a wonderful summer, a summer where you might… Align Summer Aspirations Purposefully Adjust Slowly Allowing Peace Admire Summer’s Awesomeness Plentifully Anchor Summer Adventures Peacefully Appreciate Summer Abundance Playfully Awaken Summer Adventure Passion Activate Summer Aliveness Practices ….."And Similarly Add Phrases" to our list. In other words, feel free to play with and create your own wisdom version of ASAP. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/36684035

"Let’s Normalize Conversations with One Another about Our Mental Health" 05/16/2025

"Let’s Normalize Conversations with One Another about Our Mental Health" What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast. Let’s Normalize Conversations with One Another about Our Mental Health You may have heard that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In honor of that, we thought it would be helpful to offer two simple yet powerful ways we can all help reduce the stigma of talking about mental health. Suggestion One: Let’s normalize talking about our emotional pain, just like we do with physical pain. Feeling sad or anxious during a difficult time in life is as natural as feeling pain in our back or knee due to aging or injury. And yet, for many people, it’s much easier to talk about physical pain. Do you often apologize when you break down crying when talking with someone? That might be because you internalized a message that it’s not okay to share sadness and vulnerability with others. When we share emotional pain with others, it becomes a little easier to bear—just like we might feel relief when we talk about a physical ailment. Suggestion Two: Let’s normalize listening when someone opens up about an emotional challenge. When someone shares that they’re feeling down or on edge, and we respond with silence or quickly change the subject, they may end up feeling even more isolated. Instead, we can show care by staying present, asking gentle questions, and offering our full attention. Listening deeply helps others feel seen and supported. It wasn’t that long ago that people avoided talking about cancer. The “C word” was often spoken in whispers, adding shame and loneliness to an already difficult experience. Thankfully, that has changed—talking openly about cancer is now common, and support is readily available. This May, let’s take another step forward. Let’s all do our part to normalize open conversations about mental health—starting by talking honestly about our own experiences and by listening compassionately to others. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/36588275

"The Wisdom of Momisms," May 9, 2025 05/09/2025

"The Wisdom of Momisms," May 9, 2025 What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast. THE WISDOM OF MOMISMS It's been a few years since we shared some of the wise advice that mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and other women we have all been blessed to know have shared with us throughout our lives. We call these wise, pithy sayings Momisms. Here are a few of our favorites, and because this is a wellness column, we also share ways these words of advice apply to various aspects of well-being. "I'm not interested in who started it!" The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out "who started it." Who hasn't spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than they have spent on resolving it? Focusing on "who started it" is one way of playing the "blame game," and is rarely helpful. You don't need to figure out who started a problem at work or home to be part of the solution. "If you keep making that face, one of these days it will freeze that way!" This Momism contains some great wellness insights. The first is that the behaviors we choose, over time, become habits, and habits always have consequences. It is important, then, to carefully observe the habits we are forming. The second insight of this Momism has to do with the way we treat others. If I am regularly in a hurry and don't take time to be kind to people, at some point their opinion of me will "freeze." They may well come to believe that I am a person who is self-absorbed or unkind. We all form opinions of others based on their behaviors, and it is easy for those opinions to become frozen and difficult to change, even if the person's behaviors actually do change at some point. "This moment is fleeting in the overall scheme of things." Our emotional and spiritual wellness is enhanced when we remember two things. First, it is wise to seek to live in the present moment, and second, any current struggle we may have is more bearable when we place it in the context of life's larger time frame. "Take care of a goldfish, and then you can get a dog." It's important to start small when taking on any new challenge or responsibility. New habits and big goals are realized in small steps. For example, develop a regular habit of walking before you try to run your first 5K, or take a class on a subject before deciding on that major. "I don't care what everybody else is doing; you are not everybody else!" Another version of this is "just because everyone else is jumping off a cliff, doesn't mean that you should, too." Both ideas are meant to encourage us to dare to think for ourselves and to remember that going along with the crowd is not always the best decision. "The best way to have a friend is to be one." All relationships are important and must be cared for and nurtured to stay strong and healthy. We reap what we sow in relationships. This reminds us of the importance of sharing our appreciation and gratitude with others, as that is what builds and strengthens relationships. "Please call me when you get there, so I will know you have arrived safely." This statement is a sweet expression of love and concern, although when we were young, we might have rolled our eyes, thinking that our mom was annoying and trying to control us. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference to have others around us who are concerned for our well-being and to care for others as well. As we pause to celebrate all mothers this weekend, may we also give thanks for the wisdom they, along with other influential women in our lives, have taught us over the years. Feel free to share your favorite Momism on our Wellness Compass Facebook Page which you find . /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/36504255

"Lessons Learned From a Mindfulness Jar," May 2, 2025 05/02/2025

"Lessons Learned From a Mindfulness Jar," May 2, 2025 What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast. Lessons Learned From a Mindfulness Jar We both have mindfulness jars on our desks and use them regularly in our coaching practices. And Holly used to use hers in her previous career as a grade school teacher. They are helpful in so many situations. And you can easily make one for yourself—do a quick online search, and you will find many suggestions. If the concept of a mindfulness jar is new to you, here's a short description. A mindfulness jar is a clear jar (like a Ball jar, for example) that is filled with water, a small amount of clear glue, and glitter. The glue is added to create enough viscosity so that when the jar is shaken, the glitter stays suspended in the liquid for a short time. Then, gradually, within a minute or so, the glitter slowly settles back to the bottom of the jar. If you want to see one in action, watch this 90-second video demonstration by clicking https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MefB0P8ptA We find ourselves using our mindfulness jars frequently to make some important points. Here are five of the lessons we teach. 1. It is normal for all of us to find our "jars" shaken up. Life has a way of doing that to us. It could be the news of the day, a harsh word from a friend, colleague, or family member, or even a curt text or email. 2. The jars are like our minds. When our minds are settled, we can see and think much more clearly. When our jars are shaken up, just the opposite is true. It is impossible to see, think, or act clearly. And it is best to wait until things settle. 3. Learning to pause and not react when our jars are jostled gives us the time and space we need to calm down. When we are calm, we can choose a much more helpful response rather than a churned-up reaction. 4. Learn not to judge your jar or mind when it is stirred up. It happens to everyone. Simply observe and accept it as normal and give it the space and time it needs to calm down. 5. The benefit of learning a few mindfulness practices (meditation, journaling, prayer practices, contemplative walking, yoga, breathing exercises, etc.) is that we will have the practiced tools on hand to calm and recenter ourselves more quickly. In fact, doing these practices proactively will help us every day be less vulnerable to getting hijacked by our emotions. Elvis Presley may have had great success with the number-one hit "I'm All Shook Up," but for the rest of us, it's something we will rarely, if ever, profit from. We will, however, benefit from learning and accepting the signs of when we are all shook up, and then using some centering practices, maybe even a mindfulness jar, to calm ourselves down before reacting. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/36406170

"Wellness Begins with We," April 18, 2025 04/18/2025

"Wellness Begins with We," April 18, 2025 What follows is the Weekly Wellness Compass Column for this week. Each podcast episode addresses the same theme as the column. Wellness Begins with We Passover and Easter overlap again this year, allowing us to reflect on the power of these celebrations for hundreds of millions of people worldwide. The celebrations connected to these holy days, as with the celebrations of all religious holy days, are grounded in bringing people together. While individual beliefs and practices are important, the gathering of community is primary, a practice as old as human civilization. And it's not just true of religious celebrations. We see this same emphasis on community in all kinds of celebrations—graduations, funerals, weddings, and public holidays, to name a few. All of these various community gatherings are essential to our well-being There is a clever way to remember the strong connection between community and well-being. Notice that the word "Wellness" begins with "We." Some have even noted that when the letter "I" in "Illness" is replaced with "We," the word becomes Wellness. American culture has long celebrated the importance of individualism. Too often, though, this focus on a strong sense of "I" is presented as somehow separate or even in opposition to the importance of a strong "We." The fact is they are always interconnected. Healthy individuals are essential to healthy communities, and healthy communities are critical to strong individual well-being. Many experts are writing today about a growing sense of isolation and loneliness in our culture and how this is becoming a public health issue. COVID contributed to this, but the problem began long before the pandemic. Robert Putnam was one of the first to bring this to our attention with his groundbreaking book, "Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revitalization of American Community," written in 2000. Focusing on the trend of Americans who are bowling alone or just one or two others, rather than in leagues as was done in the past, he wrote that the erosion of communal life has seriously affected both public and individual health. With this in mind, may we all remember that whatever our plans may include this week—whether it be celebrating Passover, Easter, or bowling— let's make sure to prioritize strengthening our bonds with others. Doing so will contribute to both our own well-being, and that of the people with whom we gather. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/36216490

"In-Between Times," April 11, 2025 04/11/2025

"In-Between Times," April 11, 2025 What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column, which is emailed every Friday morning and addresses the same topic as each week's podcast episode. In-Between Times Life is filled with clear beginnings and endings. As wonderful and/or sad as these times may be, the majority of life is filled with in-between times. These are the spaces where we are neither where we were, nor where we are going—just like spring here in Wisconsin, still cold and windy, yet sunny and the snow is gone, so it's neither fully winter nor spring. It's more of an in-between time. These in-between times can be uncertain, challenging, and even unsettling. Yet, they also hold immense potential for growth, reflection, and renewal. In-between times take many forms. They may be the weeks between leaving one job and starting another, moving from one home to another, or the years between childhood and adulthood. These liminal spaces—where we exist between what was and what will be—are often overlooked and even undervalued because they can be difficult. However, they can be some of the most formative moments in our lives. The world encourages us to hurry through these periods, to rush to the next milestone. But what if we embraced them instead? What if we saw these in-between moments not as obstacles or times we have to trudge through, but as essential parts of our journey? It's natural to feel uncomfortable in these times. Most of us crave certainty, a clear direction, and tangible results. However, some of life's most profound lessons come not in the moments of achievement, but in the waiting. Psychologist and author William Bridges describes transitions as three-stage processes: endings, neutral zones, and new beginnings. The neutral zone—the in-between time—can be where we grieve what we've left behind, wonder about what's next, and ultimately become the person ready to step into a new phase of life. Instead of resisting these moments, we can choose to find meaning in them. Here's a few ideas of what helps: 1. Embrace Reflection The in-between provides space to slow down and reflect. What lessons have you learned? What do you truly want to be moving toward? Journaling, meditation, or quiet walks can help bring clarity. 2. Practice Patience It's tempting to want to rush toward the next chapter, but growth takes time. Trust that the waiting has a purpose. The caterpillar does not become a butterfly overnight—transformation happens in the cocoon. 3. Stay Open to Possibilities Sometimes, the best opportunities arise in the spaces where we least expect them. An in-between time might seem like a pause, but it can also be a doorway to something better than you imagined. 4. Take Care of Yourself Transitions can be draining, both emotionally and physically. Prioritize self-care, whether that means nourishing your body, leaning on a support system, or allowing yourself to rest. If and when you find yourself in an in-between time, remember that it is not wasted time. It is a time of becoming, of preparing, of evolving. Though it may feel uncertain, remember that this time is also full of potential. The next step will reveal itself when you are ready—but for the moment, honor the space you are in. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/36093415

"Well Connected," April 4, 2025 04/04/2025

"Well Connected," April 4, 2025 What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column which is emailed every Friday morning and addresses the same topic as each week's podcast episode. Well Connected We recently came across an extended quote from Albert Einstein that we would like to share with you today. “A human being is a part of the whole, called by us the ‘Universe,’ a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.” As we reflect on the connection of Einstein’s words to wellness, the focus of this column, we are aware that a foundation of our wellness is acknowledging our deep inter-dependency with all people, and with all of creation. Certainly, the contagion of the COVID virus was a clear reminder of just how interconnected we all are. Imagine a mobile hanging from a ceiling over a baby’s crib. If someone were to jiggle one piece of the mobile all the other pieces would also jiggle, even though you weren’t directly moving them. Why? Because they are all interconnected. As family therapists, we often observe this when a family member faces a crisis or challenge. The person facing the challenge is clearly distressed, but soon, those who are closely connected to the person will also feel distressed. It also works the other way. When one person in a family, team, or group feels centered and joyous, that can also radiate out to those with whom they are connected. Our deep inter-connectedness, as the intellectual icon Albert Einstein so eloquently explained, is a gift. When we remember it and nourish it regularly, not only do we benefit, but so does everyone with whom we are connected. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/36000355

"The Benefits of Turning Over the Soil," March 28, 2025 03/27/2025

"The Benefits of Turning Over the Soil," March 28, 2025 Turning Over the Soil Wisconsin is known for it many Rails to Trails bike paths. Converting former rail lines to bike trails gives a safe (and flat) way to explore the countryside on two wheels. We ride these trails regularly and were delighted to get out for our first ride of the year this week. Wisconsin is also known for its abundant and fertile farmland. On our ride, we saw many farmers on their tractors plowing and turning over their soil as they prepared for planting season. And because we love to think in metaphors, we both agreed that turning over the soil from time to time is a great practice in relationships, too. All relationships—couples, families, and friendships can benefit from turning over the soil to prepare for new growth. Just as soil can become compacted, making it difficult for seeds to take root and thrive, in the same way, relationships can settle into patterns that, while familiar, may not always be healthy or life-giving. Unspoken resentments, unresolved conflicts, or simply the busyness of life can harden the ground between two people. Turning over the soil of a relationship means being willing to address these hardened areas, having open conversations, and being intentional about creating space for both honesty and vulnerability. One way to do this is through regular check-ins. Just as a farmer regularly inspects the soil for signs of dryness or depletion, couples, friends, or family members can do the same. Are there areas of tension that need attention? Are there needs that have going unspoken or unmet? Asking these questions and listening with an open heart can help break up the hard ground and make room for renewal. At other times, the soil of our lives and our relationships get turned over not by choice, but because some kind of storm occurs. These are scary times, and the times people most often reach out to us as therapists. But while these unbidden storms can create turmoil in the short run, they can also be opportunities for new growth. We have a saying about relationships that captures how important they are to our wellbeing: "Few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships." While we are not farmers, we imagine that the same can be said about the role of preparing and tending the soil in determining the quality of crops. And it would seem that in both, turning over the soil from time to time keeps things healthy and growing. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/35890695

"Hope Springs Eternal," March 21, 2025 03/21/2025

"Hope Springs Eternal," March 21, 2025 What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column which is emailed every Friday morning and addresses the same topic as each week's podcast episode. Hope Springs Eternal Yesterday marked the first day of spring. In Wisconsin, where we live, it was more a day of hope than one of actual warmth. As we watched two determined golfers tee off on a course still dusted with snow, we couldn’t help but think of the timeless words of English poet Alexander Pope, written in 1733: “Hope springs eternal in the human breast.” His words capture the enduring optimism that keeps us looking ahead, whether to the promise of blooming flowers or simply a snow-free round of golf. This same spirit of hope is evident in another beloved springtime tradition: the NCAA College Basketball Tournaments for Men and Women. March Madness is in full swing, bringing with it the excitement of one hundred thirty-six teams (sixty-eight Men’s teams and sixty-eight Women’s teams) battling for a national championship. Players and fans alike embrace the exhilarating uncertainty, filling out their brackets in the hopes of predicting the tournament’s twists and turns. Millions take part in this annual ritual, eagerly guessing the outcomes of each of the games. The odds of completing a perfect bracket—accurately predicting every single game—are an astonishing 9.2 quintillion to one. To put that into perspective, do you know how long 9.2 quintillion seconds adds up to? 100 years? 1,000 years? The correct answer is 292 billion years! And yet, in spite of those odds, hopeful fans enter the fray, trusting their instincts, crunching statistics, and making bold predictions—or if you are like the two of us, wild guesses. But just as quickly as hope rises, reality sets in. Unexpected upsets—known as “bracket busters”—shatter expectations, leaving participants to wonder what went wrong. With each surprising outcome, we are reminded that hope, though resilient, often requires renewal. In many ways, sports serve as a mirror for life. Just as we faithfully fill out our brackets with expectations of success, we also approach life’s adventures—new jobs, relationships, and personal goals—hoping for clear paths and predictable outcomes. But life, like basketball, is full of surprises. Our “brackets” of carefully laid plans don’t always hold up. Unexpected challenges arise, and our best predictions fall apart. Yet, just as the teams continue to play, giving their all despite the knowledge that only one will ultimately emerge victorious, we, too, carry on. Sixty-seven of the sixty-eight teams in both tournaments will end their season with a loss. But does that stop them from playing with heart, determination, and the belief that anything is possible? Of course not. Their love of the game and the belief that hope springs eternal keep them pushing forward. And in that, we find a powerful lesson: life isn’t about perfect predictions or avoiding failure—it’s about showing up, playing with passion, and embracing each moment, regardless of the outcome. So as we navigate both the unpredictability of March Madness and the uncertainties of life, we take inspiration from the athletes who give their all, even when the odds are against them. Let’s keep showing up, not because we can predict or control the future, but because we love participating in the journey. And because, no matter what, hope will always spring eternal. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/35801235

Making Time for Joy, March 14, 2025 03/14/2025

Making Time for Joy, March 14, 2025 What follows is our weekly Wellness Compass column. This column is sent out by email each Friday, and our podcast each week addresses the same topic as the column. Making Time for Joy We both started music lessons a few weeks ago for instruments that are new for each of us. Holly is taking ukulesle lessons, and Scott is taking bluegrass fiddle lessons. We had been saying we were going to do this for a long time, and now that we are enjoying it so much, we wonder why we waited so long. Making time for the lessons and practicing has reminded us how much fun making music is and how much joy it is bringing us. The semi-annual practice of having just changed our clocks has once again offered all of us an excellent opportunity to reflect on how we use our time. As we shifted our clocks forward, it reminded us to also consider other shifts we might want to make regarding our time. Much like evaluating our finances—deciding how to spend, save, or share our money—considering how we spend our time can also be a meaningful practice. Taking a moment to assess how we are using our time need not be a negative experience; instead, it's a chance to recognize what's working well and where we might want to shift. That's what we did when we realized we wanted to spend less time doing passive activities and instead prioritize time learning to play new instruments. We shifted our attention and how we spend part of our time each day and week. Sometimes, life can feel unacceptably busy, leaving little room for relaxation and peace. Other times, we may feel like we have an abundance of time on our hands but struggle to use it meaningfully. In either case, pausing to reflect on how we choose to spend our time can be valuable. Instead of judging ourselves, we find that one simple question can be particularly helpful: "What is one thing that you could shift by spending more or less time doing this week, something that would bring you joy?" Take a moment to ask yourself this question with kindness and curiosity. If an answer comes to mind, embrace it and take a step toward realigning your time with what truly matters to you. For us, that means making more time for the fun of music in our lives. What might it be for you? /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/35681250

"Are We There Yet?" March 7, 2025 03/07/2025

"Are We There Yet?" March 7, 2025 What follows are the words from our Wellness Compass Weekly column. This free column is sent to email subscribers each Friday morning and addresses the same topic as our weekly podcast. Are We There Yet? Everyone who has traveled on a long-distance road trip with children will get the same question at some point, as a tired voice from the backseat asks, "Are we there yet?" We live in Wisconsin and are known to ask similar questions related to the coming of spring. One day the sun is out and gradually melts all the snow left on the ground. A few days later, the temperatures drop twenty-five degrees, and a fresh arrival of new snow comes down, covering the ground again. When it comes to spring, we become impatient and want to know, "Are we there yet? We just concluded another round of Wellness Circles online. Wellness Circles are our core six-week small group program that we created many years ago to bring people together to identify an area of wellness they want to enhance, and then support one another in making the desired changes that have been identified. A few of the kinds of things people want to work in a wellness circle include: I want to reconnect with my child as we haven't been getting along. I want to find a new job. I want to be more physically active. I want to have a difficult conversation that I have been avoiding with someone close to me. I want to create a better work/life balance. Inevitably, about halfway through the six-week Wellness Circle, participants commonly become impatient with the progress they are making. Like the children on the road trip, and with the weather here in Wisconsin, we want to know, "Are we there yet?" "Why is it taking soooooo long?!" Change always takes longer than we wish. We get tired of waiting and quickly become impatient. And change, like the weather, is not a linear process. No matter what our intentions are, we always learn in a Wellness Circle that it is important to be patient with ourselves and give ourselves grace. If we are not careful, we can turn our impatience in on ourselves or direct it out toward others. Wellness Circle participants often discover how much easier it is to extend compassion and patience to others than to themselves. We were sharing our idea for this column with a friend, and she told us that whenever she and her brother would ask her parents the road trip question, "Are we there yet?" her parents would offer this response: "No, we are not there yet, but we will surely get there when we get there." She said that as a child, that answer always frustrated her, but now, as an adult, she has come to realize that this is the best answer of all—for children and any of us who are becoming impatient with change. So, remember when you or someone else asks, "Are we there yet? or, "When will we get there?"--you can simply respond, "No, not yet, but we will surely get there when we get there." /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/35570345

"The Stories We Tell Ourselves," February 27, 2025 02/28/2025

"The Stories We Tell Ourselves," February 27, 2025 What follows is the weekly column called the Wellness Compass that addreses the same topic each week as our weekly podcast. The Stories We Tell Ourselves Human beings are natural storytellers. This weekend, the Oscars will celebrate the gifted storytellers who have shared their stories through film this year. This column is about wellness, not movie reviews (although we both loved A Complete Unknown), so we would like to reflect on storytelling from a mental health perspective. Have you ever found yourself convinced that someone was upset with you, only to later find out that they weren’t? Or maybe you assumed that a situation would go terribly wrong, only for it to turn out just fine? These are examples of the stories we make up in our heads—stories that shape our emotions, decisions, and even our reality, even when they aren’t actually true. Our minds are meaning-making machines. This is especially true when we are dealing with uncertainty. That’s when we are more likely to try to fill in the blanks, creating explanations that help us make sense of our experiences. The problem is that these explanations—the stories we create—are sometimes based on assumptions, past experiences, or fears rather than actual facts. For example, a friend doesn’t text us back right away, so we create a story that they are upset with us. We receive an email and ascribe a tone to it that we actually don’t know is accurate or not. A friend or loved one is late to meet us for coffee and we create the assumption they don’t really want to spend time with us. A colleague is distracted when talking with us, and we assume they are not interested in what we are saying. The problem with creating stories that are not true is that we often start acting as if they are true. If we assume someone is angry with us, we may begin to act defensive, distant, or even resentful. In response, they may become confused or frustrated, reinforcing our belief that they are, in fact, upset. This is how our made-up stories can actually become self-fulfilling prophecies. When I, Holly, was a high school teacher, I often heard students say, they would never be good at a certain subject. This sometimes caused them to not even try, which then re-enforced their beliefs. I, Scott, was recently talking with a colleague who was yawning constantly. At one point I simply asked, “Is what I’m saying boring you?” They immediately apologized and said that they had been up most of the previous night with their sick child. If I hadn’t checked out my assumption, I might have concluded that I needed to think twice about sharing my thoughts with this person. The stories we tell ourselves shape our emotions, relationships, and overall wellbeing. The key is to first become more aware of them and reflect on whether they are actually true or not. It is always best to check out our assumptions. So next time you catch yourself creating an internal storyline, pause, take a breath, and ask: Is this really true? Then, you might take the additional step of checking out any assumptions you are making. You might not get public recognition like the stars at the Oscars for doing this, but you will surely strengthen your relationships with others. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/35477840

"Just Bring Yourself," February 21, 2025 02/20/2025

"Just Bring Yourself," February 21, 2025 What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic. The column is sent out every Friday morning by email. Just Bring Yourself Recently, someone invited us to dinner and, when we asked what we could bring, they replied, "Just bring yourself." That simple phrase stuck with us, not only because of its graciousness but also because of the deeper wisdom it holds. In a world that often pressures us to do more, be more, and prove our worth through our achievements or contributions, it is nice to be reminded that our presence alone is enough. "Just bring yourself" is an invitation to show up authentically, without pretense, without the need to impress or perform. It’s a reminder that who we are, at our core, is valuable and welcomed. Authenticity is one of the greatest gifts we can offer in any relationship. When we show up as our true selves—vulnerabilities and all—we create deeper connections and invite others to do the same. Healthy relationships are built not on perfection but on presence. When we are real with one another, we cultivate trust and intimacy, creating spaces where we and others can feel seen and accepted. Too often, we hesitate to show up fully as ourselves out of fear that we are not enough. We may feel pressure to hide our insecurities, or to present a polished version of our lives. But true connections happen not from what we do or bring, but from simply being who we are and allowing others to do the same. In our work as marriage and family therapists, we have seen how transformational it can be when people allow themselves to be fully present. Whether in a marriage, a friendship, or a community, relationships thrive when we show up with honesty and openness rather than trying to curate a perfect image. We are all so much more than the images we see or even share on social media. Likewise, when we offer this same kind of acceptance to others—welcoming them just as they are—we create a ripple effect of kindness and belonging. This kind of radical hospitality affirms that each person is enough, just as they are, without conditions or expectations. Next time you receive an invitation—whether to a dinner, a conversation, or a new opportunity—remember that the most meaningful thing you can bring is yourself. You are enough. Just bring yourself. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/35371305

"Some Advice Teens Gave Us About Mental Health, Love, and Valentine’s Day," February 13, 2025 02/14/2025

"Some Advice Teens Gave Us About Mental Health, Love, and Valentine’s Day," February 13, 2025 What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic. The column is sent out every Friday morning by email. Some Advice Teens Gave Us About Mental Health, Love, and Valentine’s Day This Tuesday, I, Holly, had the privilege of spending my day in a combined Middle and High School (Turner MS/HS in Beloit, WI) for their annual Mental Health Awareness Day. During this Valentine’s week, everyone school-wide had set the day aside to focus on supporting student mental health by engaging in several different relaxing activities, engaging in group discussions on related topics, listening to speakers, and getting acquainted with all kinds of resources and organizations that work to support mental health in their area, Rock County, WI. I was one of those people as I was there to represent our nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative. Throughout the day, I had the opportunity to speak with most of those young people (ages 12 -18) and had the honor of listening to their concerns and desires, and meeting their friends. I also told them about this column and the corresponding Wellness Compass podcast. As a bit of research for our column, I asked them this important question: “What kinds of things would you like me to tell the adults who listen to our podcast about what they can do to support teen mental health?” Here are some of their answers: Don’t be so judgmental. Share stories of the mistakes you made when you were young. Consider how you sound to others. Bossy? Controlling? Freaking Out? Supportive? Don’t force things on us, like clubs, activities, and beliefs. Feel free to share your beliefs, but don’t force them on us. Laugh and have fun with us. Don’t say it’s just a phase. It is important to us now. Encourage us. You can say what you need to say without being mean about it. Check in with us on a regular basis by asking “Are you OK?” And then really listen to what we are feeling. Do things with us, like playing sports, hiking, and playing video games. Honor our thoughts and opinions. Don’t jump to conclusions. Give us hugs. Don’t make decisions for us. Take interest in our interests. Talk with us, not at us - fewer lectures and more listening, please. As they spoke, I realized that what they were sharing with me could be applied to any relationships that we value and care about. So on Tuesday, out of the mouths of our young people came their suggestions for staying connected and supporting the mental health of all those we love. How appropriate for right before Valentine’s Day. Their honest words are a good reminder for each of us as we consider how to express our love to all the important people in our lives this Valentine’s Day. Which of their suggestions could you give as a gift to someone on this special day? /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/35281115

"Rooting for Ourselves" 02/07/2025

"Rooting for Ourselves" What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic. The column is sent out every Friday morning by email. Rooting for Ourselves There is so much in the world that needs our love and attention. It is easy to become overwhelmed. No one has enough time or energy to root for or get involved in all the good causes that need our attention and support. So it may be counterintuitive to advocate rooting for one additional thing on top of all the other pulls we may be feeling, but we need to add one more person to our list to root for--and that's ourselves. We are thinking of two different meanings of rooting. First, we need to be advocates for ourselves. We need to tame the inner critic and be the number one cheerleader and encourager of ourselves. Second, we need to be like trees and cultivate deep inner roots to anchor us when the storms of challenging times come. Rooting for ourselves is an essential act of self-care, self-love, and personal growth. It is about standing in our own corner, believing in our own worth, and nurturing our own well-being. If a tree wants to grow more branches of support it must also expand its root system to sustain its growth. You know best what helps you feel encouraged—what fills your cup so you have something to pour from. You also know what drains your cup—perhaps it's how you speak to yourself, how busy you are, how much movement you get, and how much rest you get. You also know what helps nurture your spiritual roots- what grounds you in challenging times. It might include meditation, time in nature, prayer, a deeper connection with a spiritual community, spiritual reading, or taking sabbath time to rest. The goal of self-care is not to become self-centered. The goal is to become a centered self. When we take the time to nurture our own growth and are more centered, we show up more fully in our relationships, our work, and our communities. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/35186250

"Handling Our Emotions So They Don't Handle Us", January 31, 2025 01/31/2025

"Handling Our Emotions So They Don't Handle Us", January 31, 2025 What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic. The column is sent out every Friday morning by email. Have you ever had one of those moments where your emotions just take over, and suddenly, you can’t think straight or say what you actually mean? If you are like us, the answer is an obvious yes. There is a name for that experience of when our emotions hijack our brains and bodies—it’s called emotional flooding—it’s when feelings like anger, fear, or anxiety hit so hard that your brain basically short-circuits. It happens to all of us, especially during conflicts, stressful situations, and even when we are just having a really bad day. As therapists, we see emotional flooding all the time, and as we have said, we experience it at times ourselves. Learning to recognize when we are flooded is key to handling those feelings when they occur. Emotional flooding happens when our brain goes into survival mode. Our amygdala—the part of your brain that reacts to threats—takes over, and our rational thinking takes a backseat, which is why it’s hard to think logically or respond calmly. While it is easy to identify examples of emotional flooding in young children or adolescents, it is wise to remember that it happens to all of us from time to time. When we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we may experience any or all of these symptoms: brain fog, rapid heart rate, shallow breath, a terrible “pit in our stomach,” racing thoughts, or extreme anger or anxiety. Merely stopping and recognizing when we feel overwhelmed helps us better manage ourselves in that moment. Rather than blaming someone else and “flying off the handle” (a phrase that originated to describe when an axe head comes loose and flies off its handle), when we can recognize what is going on inside of us, we are better able to stop ourselves, and thus avoid causing damage to a relationship. When we feel overwhelmed by our emotions in a relationship with someone, the best thing we can do is call a “time out” for ourselves. This is an example of the parenting strategy of “counting to ten” when they are feeling angry with a child. When parents feel ready to say or do something they are likely to regret, they calm themselves down while they count to ten. Here are other things that help. 1. Meditation or simply slowing down and taking several deep breaths. 2. Doing something physical—working out or going for a walk, for example. 3. Using “I” statements rather than accusing. “I am feeling overwhelmed right now and want to take a break so I can come back later and discuss this when I can think more clearly,” is far more helpful than “You are the one that is making me act this way right now. Our emotions are not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. What matters is how we handle our emotions. Keeping the head of the axe on the handle is always best. And recognizing when it has come loose or is about to come loose (which is bound to happen to all of us at times) is key to regulating and resetting our mental health and maintaining healthy relationships. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/35092905

"Three Rs for Growing Resilience" 01/24/2025

"Three Rs for Growing Resilience" What follows is the Wellness Compass Column that Holly and Scott write each week as a companion to this podcast. Three Rs for Growing Resilience Resilience is the capacity to respond to and recover from stressful events. Research on resilience has revealed that it is not simply something we have or don’t have. What has been discovered is that several key factors—including the choices we can make and habits we can nurture—determine our capacity to be resilient. In our work as therapists and in our personal lives, we have found that three “Rs” are key to strengthening our resilience muscles. Relationships: Reaching out for support is key to resilience. If we are not careful, when we feel vulnerable, we may isolate or lash out at others when it would be our advantage to do the opposite. We need to ask for the help and support we need. The myth of the rugged individual who conquers all adversity by themselves is just that…a myth. Of course, nurturing relationships is essential for all aspects of our wellbeing at all times, not just when we are facing a challenge or setback. Sometimes, we are the ones helping friends and family through a hard time, and other times, we are the ones receiving that help and support. Rest: Healing and recovery always take longer than we wish. Patience is a virtue; it is also a key to resilience. When you experience a loss or a stressful event of any kind, give yourself time to heal. A sprained ankle only recovers when we provide it with rest—not by ignoring it and continuing to walk on it, trying to pretend that everything is okay. Rest is equally essential when our spirit or our emotions are sprained. Give yourself the gift of slowing down. Reflection: How we think about a stressful event or challenge and the thought frame we put around it will either enhance or limit our resilience. A thought frame of “Bad things sometimes happen to good people like me, but I know that I can do hard things,” is empowering. A thought frame of, “I must deserve this because bad things always happen to me, and life isn’t fair, and I’m never going to recover from this,” will likely keep us stuck. Research has shown that our spiritual beliefs and worldviews play a crucial role in resilience. If we struggle with negative thought frames, we do not need to judge ourselves; instead, we can try to observe it within ourselves and remember that it is only a thought, not a fact. We might benefit from reaching out for professional support from a therapist or spiritual guide to help us if we find ourselves stuck in this type of thinking. Loss, challenges, and stressful events are inevitable. Bad things do, in fact, happen to good people. Resilience, however, is not inevitable; instead, it is enhanced by the choices we make. Focusing today on relationships, rest, and reflection is a good start to strengthening our capacity for resilience, to help us face the struggles in front of us now, and to help prepare us for the inevitable challenges of life. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/34987880

"Relationship Hydration," January 10, 2025 01/10/2025

"Sharing Light with Each Other," December 20, 2024 12/20/2024

"Meeting Someone We Already Know for the First Time This Holiday Season," Dec. 13, 2024 12/13/2024

"Meeting Someone We Already Know for the First Time This Holiday Season," Dec. 13, 2024 What follows is the week Wellness Compass column we send out each Friday morning. This podcast episode expands on this same topic. Meeting Someone We Already Know for the First Time This Holiday Season Thank you to the reader that wrote us in response to last week’s column: “I like the idea of focusing on presence over presents this time of year. Can you give me a suggestion on how to do that?” We would be happy to! And so here’s one idea. Our families can be both our greatest source of love and joy and yet, sometimes, our greatest source of frustration and worry. It seems that there is no time when this is more apparent than during the holiday season. Both our joys and our concerns where family members is concerned may be magnified as we find ourselves interacting with people we seldom see. There is a principle that speaks of developing a 'beginner's mind' when approaching one's everyday life, including our relationships. A beginner's mind is characterized by openness, being free from preconceived ideas, and being eager to learn something new from whatever and whomever one encounters. It is said that with a beginner's mind there are endless possibilities and that by contrast, with an expert's mind there are very few. A beginner’s mind is humble, curious, and open to whatever is to be. What would it mean to move through the rest of this holiday season with a beginner's mind? One possible way to think about this is to realize that while we have experienced many previous holiday seasons with our families, we have never experienced this holiday season. As much as we may have traditions that we honor, each year is, by definition, unique. A beginner's mind remains open to experiencing the particularity of this holiday season in order to discover the unique joys that it might hold. Cultivating a beginner's mind is perhaps more difficult when it comes to the relationships we have with people we know well. It is easy to get stuck in thinking that we already know, for example, exactly Uncle Bob or Cousin Latoya is going to talk about again this year at the holiday gathering. Approaching people we know well with a beginner's mind means that we commit to practicing wonder and openness and learning more about who they are, and come up to each person as if we are meeting them for the first time. When we meet someone for the first time we have no choice but to practice a beginner's mind. It is easy and natural to practice wonder and curiosity as we get to know someone new. What if we used this same mindset into our interactions with everyone we spend time with over the next few weeks? The saying “you can’t step in the same river twice” could be adapted to remind us that “you can’t talk to the same person twice.” Just like the river, the person you are talking to in the present moment is not the same person they were a year ago, or even a month ago—and for that matter, neither are you. There are many ways we can focus on presence, and not just presents, this holiday season. How we do so is not important, but that we do so, is one way to find more meaning in the holidays this year. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/34425320

"Navigating the Holidays with Peace and Purpose," December 6, 2024 12/06/2024

"Navigating the Holidays with Peace and Purpose," December 6, 2024 What follows is this week's Weekly Wellness Compass Column, a column that each week focuses on the same topic as the Wellness Compass Podcast. Navigating the Holidays with Peace and Purpose No one likes to encounter turbulence while flying. However, two things can significantly reduce our anxiety in those bumpy moments: forewarning and preparation. When the captain announces ahead of time, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're expecting some turbulence during the flight so please fasten your seat belts," it shifts the experience. When the turbulence does happen, we feel reassured, knowing the captain anticipated it and is in control. Compare this to a flight where there's no warning, and the turbulence catches everyone off guard. Suddenly, the captain comes on the loudspeaker, urgently telling passengers to sit down and buckle up. The lack of preparation creates unnecessary stress. With this metaphor in mind, consider this is your captain's announcement as we begin our journey through the holiday season: “There will likely be turbulence ahead”. Navigating the joys and stresses of the holidays can be challenging. In fact, a recent mental health study found that 68% of people experience high levels of stress and worry during this time of year. As therapists, this is our busiest time of year. Let's normalize that the holidays can be a vulnerable time of year. All of our emotions are magnified—our joys and our sorrows. Grief is common as we miss people who are not with us this year for any number of reasons. Financial pressures intensify this time of year as well. The pressure to overindulge in food, alcohol, as well as activities is substantial. And it's easy to compare our "insides" to everyone else's "outsides," thinking that we are the only ones not having the "perfect" holiday season—whatever that may be. Here are a few tips to help you navigate the holidays with more peace and purpose and reduce the possible emotional turbulence you may experience during the holidays: Focus on the meaning of the season. Shift your attention to the spiritual and core values that resonate with you. Resist the commercialism that often leaves us feeling like we're not enough. Prioritize presence over presents. Find shared meaning with a supportive community. Connect or reconnect with friends and family. Volunteer your time to an organization needing extra help during the holidays. Send a gratitude message to someone. Presence actually means more in the long run than presents. Honor all your emotions. The holidays don't have to be the "happiest time of the year" if that's not what you're feeling. Let yourself experience your emotions—joy, sadness, nostalgia, stress, or even ambivalence—without judgment. All are ok and expected. Practice self-care. Make intentional decisions about rest, movement, spending, eating, and drinking. Setting healthy boundaries and listening to your own needs will protect your energy so that you have more of it to share. Making a plan right now about how we will navigate the holidays will help us stay centered (and prepare for possible turbulence) this time of year, one that is filled with both joy and vulnerability. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/34310090

"Find, Remind, and Bind," Nov 21, 2024 11/10/2024

Strengthening and Stretching Our Gratitude Muscles, Nov 15 2024 11/10/2024

Strengthening and Stretching Our Gratitude Muscles, Nov 15 2024 What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column that is a companion to this podcast. It is sent out every Friday by email. You can subscribe at our website: Strengthening and Stretching Our Gratitude Muscles We recently watched a video by a fitness trainer who repeated the phrase “use it or lose it” several times. She was talking about how if we don’t regularly use and stretch our muscles, they will gradually lose their strength and flexibility. In this month of November, when we commonly focus on giving thanks, we thought that was a good metaphor and got us to thinking. It’s essential to exercise and stretch our gratitude muscles on a regular basis as well. If we don’t regularly practice gratitude, we can easily become a bit weak and stiff in this area of wellbeing and fail to notice the wonderful things happening around us. Research has even shown that gratitude practices positively affect several of the areas included in our Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing: Emotions, Relationships, Spirituality, Resilience, and Physical health. Gratitude practices can include simple things such as keeping a gratitude journal, making an intention to express gratitude to at least one person every day, sending a gratitude letter, email, or text to a friend, making a gratitude phone call, or creating a jar of gratitudes on slips of paper with the slips being pulled out and read from time to time. Sharing these expressions or gratitude can be a fun family or friend activity, as it brings awareness to all that we are grateful for and helps create a mindset of gratitude for the gathering. We have found it especially powerful to express gratitude to others that is separate from something they may have done for us, but instead focusing more on who they are as a person. An example might be “I don’t think I have told you recently, how grateful I am to have you as a friend/partner/sibling/child/parent…” which has the power to make such a difference for the person hearing those words. Strengthening our gratitude muscles means expressing thanks to others more often. Stretching our gratitude muscles means extending our expressions of gratitude to people we may not be in the habit of appreciating. Holly, for example, recently facilitated a workshop for some school counselors and made it a point to begin with these words: “Before I get into the topic of this workshop, I just want to take a few moments to tell each of you how grateful I am for what you do every day. You give your heart and soul to your students, and you absorb an incredible amount of stress and suffering every day. Our world is a better place because of you and what you do.” Several counselors teared up and deeply thanked her when the workshop was over, thanking her for simply remembering the important work they do every day. If you have ever worked with a fitness trainer, you know that they often give you a specific goal to strive for, so we would like to do the same. Try committing to expressing gratitude to at least one person daily for the remainder of November. Or maybe even two or three people each day. And stretch yourself to see how many new opportunities you can discover to express gratitude. Not only will the people you are offering appreciation to feel good, but your own wellbeing will be enhanced as well. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/33870122

"Love Is Greater than Fear", S. 4, Episode 10 11/06/2024

"Love Is Greater than Fear", S. 4, Episode 10 What follows is the Wellness Compass weekly column that is emailed every Friday morning. The topic of the column and the podcast are always related. Love Is Greater than Fear We love to spend time in the wilderness, as we love the quiet and spiritual nourishment we receive by being in nature. Several years ago, we were canoeing in Quetico Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada, a remote park accessible only by canoe. We remember well an experience we had one stormy day. Having awoken early, we were deciding whether it was safe to spend the day on the water, as the sky was dark. Holly thought we should stay where we were on shore rather than brave it. Scott thought it made sense to take off and try to get to the next lake, a mile away, before the storm arrived, as we had to do it soon to meet our outfitter on schedule. After a brief discussion and with no cell service to check the weather, we decided to take off, hoping for the best. We loaded the canoe with all our packs and took off across the very large lake. A half-hour later, we were in the middle of the lake, and a strong thunderstorm suddenly arose. We were at least fifteen minutes from the closest shore when Scott noticed that the storm had come up behind us. The sky became increasingly dark in the next few minutes, the wind whipped around us, and the temperature dropped. Soon, there was lightning in the distance, and we both knew the last place we wanted to be at that moment was sitting in a canoe in the middle of that large body of water. Needless to say, we were overwhelmed with fear. So what did we do? We did what any two people would do in such a situation. We began to argue right there in the middle of the lake! The argument started when Holly raised her voice over the wind, yelling, "I told you there was a chance of a storm and that we shouldn't have come out here today!" Soon the shouting went back and forth, with Scott asking and directing, "Why aren't you paddling harder?" "Don't paddle on the left, paddle on the right!" And then we began to frantically debate about which point of land to head towards. After a few minutes of futile arguing, we agreed to stop talking and focus instead on safely getting to the nearest shore. Fortunately, a while later, when we were safe on shore and calmed down, we realized we had not really been mad at each other. Instead, the approaching storm had scared us both so much that we had begun to turn against each other in our fear. The storm was the "problem," and yet, in the midst of our anxiety, we had temporarily perceived each other as the "problem." We have had the opportunity to lead many family and parent classes and retreats over the years, and we often share this story. Frequently, it is one of the things people say they remember most from our time together. They have often shared with us later that it was so helpful to realize that when they were in conflict and turning against each other that the real issue was usually not either person but the complex problem they were facing. When they realized this, they could choose to work together to face the situation as a team rather than continue to blame one another. We close with the quote from Aldous Huxley in the photo above, which nicely summarizes what we have written. "Love casts our fear: but conversely fear casts out love. And not only love. Fear also casts out intelligence, casts out goodness, casts out all thought of beauty and truth." /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/33821422

"Don't Ghost Your Feelings," S4. Episode 9 10/31/2024

"Don't Ghost Your Feelings," S4. Episode 9 What follows is the weekly Wellness Compass Column we send out every Friday that focuses on the same topic as our weekly podcast episodes. You can sign up for the column at www.WellnessCompass.org Don’t Ghost Your Feelings! We met with a group of school counselors recently, and the words on the T-shirts caught our attention: “Don’t Ghost Your Feelings. Instead, Share Them with Others.” October is National Depression Awareness Month, and with Halloween taking place in October, they had found a fun way to communicate an important message to their students. The word “ghosting” became popular a decade ago and even entered the Webster dictionary in 2017. It originated as a term in the online dating world to describe a person who suddenly ends all communication with someone with whom they had been talking. They no longer respond to texts, emails, or calls, having given no explanation for their becoming like “ghosts” and completely disappearing. People willing to talk about why they ghosted someone have usually stated that they were too uncomfortable communicating openly and honestly with others, so they found it easier to ignore the topic or the person completely. The term ghosting has been expanded to include completely ignoring or avoiding an uncomfortable topic. So, for example, we sometimes hear comments like, “Whenever I say I want to talk about our finances, you ghost me.” This means the person who doesn’t want to talk about finances isn’t being argumentative —they are just disappearing, pretending like they didn’t even hear the other person. Returning to the school counselors’ T-shirts, ghosting one’s feelings means acting like they don’t exist. Instead of ghosting, the school counselors regularly teach how to become comfortable with the full range of emotions so that students can become more skilled at both feeling and expressing what they are feeling. They are encouraging them to do so even when doing so makes them feel quite vulnerable. The wise wisdom offered by the school counselors is good advice for all of us. Halloween may be over, but the wisdom of not ghosting our feelings remains relevant all year. Trick or treat? Ghosting our emotions can be a trick we play on ourselves and others. Becoming more comfortable expressing our feelings, on the other hand, is a treat we can give ourselves and our relationships. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/33712902

"The Power of Humor Is In How We Use It" 10/25/2024

"The Power of Humor Is In How We Use It" What follows is the weekly Wellness Compass Column we write, which a companion to this podcast. The podcast and the column always address the same topic, but each contains unique content. The Power of Humor Is In How We Use It Last week, we had the honor of presenting our Wellness Compass resources at the annual Wisconsin Mental Health and Recovery Conference. A thousand providers from around the Midwest were in attendance, and it was truly an inspiring experience to meet so many people on the front lines every day helping to relieve suffering and, in so doing, making the world a better place. One of the keynote speakers for the conference was Tom Farley. Tom is the older brother of Chris Farley, the famous comedian who died tragically of a drug overdose in 1997 at the age of 33. Tom shared with us that, like his brother Chris, he has also struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. Now in recovery, for many years, Tom is now a motivational speaker who tells his story at conferences and high schools around the country of getting in touch with his emotions as part of his recovery. Tom, following the tradition of his family, is quite funny. He said he learned how to be witty from his earliest days of growing up in his family. He explained that their family had one tool in its emotional toolbox and that was the tool of humor. No matter the issue of the day for their family, be it a disappointment in someone’s sporting endeavor, an argument with a friend, or a struggle in academics, they always found a way to joke about it. He went on to say that as he started his journey in recovery, he had to learn something he did not know from his childhood, and that was how to identify and express all of his emotions. His ongoing growth has been to integrate his humor with his capacity to be serious and real. Unlike his childhood, when humor was used to mask and hide more complicated emotions, he is now comfortable with the full range of emotions, from the very serious to the very funny. His talk resonated with what we also teach regarding our emotional and relational wellbeing. The capacity to feel and express the full range of emotions is foundational for emotional and relational health. Humor, when used creatively and with loving intention, helps us all. But when used to mask our feelings, or when our intent is to be hurtful or cutting of ourselves or another, humor can create a divide between us and others we care about, and diminish everyone’s wellbeing. We invite you to reflect on how you use humor in your life and your relationships. Perhaps you might become aware that you would like more of the positive experience of humor. Maybe you might become aware of how you sometimes use humor that is not so helpful in your relationships. As always, we love hearing from you. You can email us at [email protected], or through our Wellness Compass Facebook page. You can subscribe to the free weekly email column at /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/33607522

"Are You Seeking Comfort or Solutions?" 10/17/2024

"Are You Seeking Comfort or Solutions?" What follows is the weekly column that Wellness Compass sends out each week. The column is a companion to this weekly podcast. You can subsribe to our column at our WellnessCompass.org website. Are You Seeking Comfort or Solutions? This week, we have a simple yet very effective tip regarding communication in our relationships. When a person is talking to you about something that is upsetting them, discern within yourself whether they are seeking comfort or solutions. Typically, the more emotionally upset they are, the more they are seeking and needing comfort. If you are not sure, the best thing to do is ask. While this sounds simple, it is often difficult to remember to put into practice. When we offer advice or try to fix a problem that another person is having, and that is not what they are seeking, such advice will almost always result in further hurt and anger, as they are probably emotionally flooded. The "helper" often tries to recover by saying, "I was just trying to help," and may now feel hurt and angry as well. If their intention to help had been guided by the question, "Are they seeking comfort or solutions?" they likely would have fared better. In general, we will never regret offering comforting responses, such as, "I'm so sorry this is happening," "I see why you are so upset," "I've got your back," or "I am here for you any time you need to talk." If we start with offering comfort, and then the person wants advice at some point, they will more likely feel safe asking for it. If, on the other hand, we begin by providing solutions, we may not ever get the chance to truly offer comfort as the person may now be even more upset. The "fix-it" response may seem wise as we may think we know exactly what the person needs to do-- and after all, isn't that the best thing we can offer? No, it's not—not if the person isn't wanting advice. We can also apply this wisdom of asking for comfort rather than solutions to guide our talking with others when we are upset. Rather than merely hoping and assuming that the other person knows what we need, it's good practice actually to let them know. "I have something I need to talk about right now, and just to be clear, I am not looking for advice or solutions. I simply need someone to listen to my feelings and frustration right now," might be a good way to start. Making it Personal: As you go through your weeks, watch for opportunities to practice deciding if you or another needs comfort or solutions in times of stress, and let us know how it goes. /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/33505897

"Listening to Understand, Rather Than to Respond" 10/11/2024

"Listening to Understand, Rather Than to Respond" What follows is the column that accompanies this podcast each week. You can find both also at . Listening to Understand Rather Than to Respond Last week, we shared some advice on how to begin unraveling and hopefully resolving conflict in a relationship. This week, we would like to add one more tip. And while this tip is simple to understand, it can be challenging to practice. One of the most important gifts we can offer in any relationship is the gift of deep and authentic listening. This is best described as listening to understand, rather than to respond. Our good listening skills are easy to practice when a relationship is going well. However, listening often deteriorates in a relationship when there is unresolved conflict. So, the first step we can take to begin to heal the conflict is to listen and sincerely attempt to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. As therapists, we have seen the effectiveness of this approach in conflict resolution. When we work with people in conflict, helping them to de-escalate enough to actually be able to listen to what the other is experiencing is always the first step we take. We remind people that listening is not agreement, but is instead an attempt to understand what it is truly like to stand in the other person’s shoes. This is not easy, and we usually find that the first attempts at this kind of listening are often interrupted by a need to respond and “correct” the other person. As we mentioned above, the concept of listening to understand rather than respond is simple to understand, but is much more challenging to practice. Most of us think of ourselves as good listeners. And hopefully, that is true much of the time. Most of us struggle to maintain good listening skills, however, when we strongly disagree with another person. With practice and commitment, we can increase our ability to listen to truly understand, thus strengthening our relationships. Making It Personal: Is there a specific relationship with which you would like to practice “listening to understand, rather than to respond” this week? /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/33413462

"Choose Being Kind Over Being Right," S. 4 E. 5, Oct 4, 2024 10/04/2024

"Choose Being Kind Over Being Right," S. 4 E. 5, Oct 4, 2024 What follows is the weekly column that is a companion to this weekly podcast. The topics are the same, but sometimes the contenct varies. Choose Being Kind Over Being Right We are grateful for the many relationship questions our column readers and podcast listeners have sent us recently. A common theme to the challenges people are sharing is that the persons with whom they are in conflict refuse to change and almost always refuse to listen. This is how it seems from their perspective. Most attempts at communication quickly escalate to the point where both people feel wronged and are hurting. And sometimes, that impasse becomes so frustrating that all communication has ended. While every relationship is unique, here are three guidelines we have found helpful in de-escalating conflict. This will be a two-part column and podcast and so we will have additional ideas to share next week. 1. Let go of the need to be right. No matter how sure you are that you are correct (and therefore, the other person is wrong), continuing to argue in this way will only escalate the conflict and build up thicker walls between you. Even if you are not saying it directly, an attitude of self-righteousness will prevent progress from being possible. As the words above say, "When choosing between being right or being kind, choose being kind, and you will always be right." 2. Refrain from making the other person the problem. Refrain from prosecuting your case as to how or why the other person is the problem and, therefore, needs to change. It's likely that neither person is solely the problem. In fact, neither person may be the problem, but finances, stress, or a misunderstanding, for instance, are the real problems. This is similar to the first point. Trying to win a debate may be helpful in politics, but not our relationships. 3. Because we each participate in co-creating relationship patterns, we want to ensure we take responsibility for our part of the conflict. "I feel like I have just stopped listening to you about this issue and instead want to focus on everything I think you are doing wrong. I can feel how defensive and argumentative I have become. I'm sorry and want to change that." When we admit this kind of truth about ourselves and say it to the other, it can help begin a time of healing. And we must say it without expecting the other to say something similar in response. Just as when one person hardens, the other person will also tend to stiffen. So, too, when one person begins to soften, that tends to make room for the other person to soften. Remember that it takes time, sometimes years, for relationships to become stuck, so any real change will also take time. Be patient with yourself and with the process. Making It Personal: Choose one of the three guidelines above and consider how you might practice it in a relationship this week. Thanks again for sharing your relationship questions with us. Your engagement is what makes our column and podcast meaningful. We appreciate your care and commitment to the relationships in your lives, and we're grateful to be on this journey with you. Next week, we will share additional guidelines in part 2 of this column/podcast. We invite you to share any guidelines you have found to be effective by emailing us at [email protected] /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/33324287

"That's a Great Question," Season 4, Episode 4, September 26, 2024 09/26/2024

"That's a Great Question," Season 4, Episode 4, September 26, 2024 What follows is the companion weekly column to this podcast, that explores this same topic. That's a Great Question! As teachers worldwide establish classroom norms this time of year, it is common to remind students , "There are no bad or wrong questions." The intention of this is to normalize and encourage the asking of questions because, as teachers often add, "If one student has a particular question, there is a good chance that another student is wondering about the same thing." When it comes to relationships, we also say that there are no bad or wrong questions. We do, however, believe that there are some kinds of questions that rise to the level of being great questions, ones that can enhance the vitality of any relationship. So….what constitutes a great question? Here are a few of our thoughts—and as always, we'd love to hear yours. A great question … *…is open-ended. A closed question can be answered with "yes" or "no." "Did you have a good day?" is an example of a closed question. An open-ended question, however, like "What were a few high and low points of your day today?" opens up space for a more expansive answer and greater connection. *…explores new territory, allowing individuals to get to know each other better. "How did your family celebrate birthdays when you were growing up?" "If you could meet any historical figure and have dinner with them, who would it be and why?" "What's one thing you haven't tried yet in your life that you still want to attempt?" These types of questions open up new ways of knowing each other and help find commonalities. *…is comfortable asking about feelings. "The news from the doctor wasn't what you were hoping for. Can you share what you're feeling right now? I'd like to know." "You said you were worried about this upcoming event. Can you tell me more about some of your fears?" To genuinely care enough to ask about, and then listen to, another's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another. *…is comfortable with silence. Sometimes, when asking a great question, especially one that invites a deeper response, there will be silence after the question. This is actually a sign that a great question has been asked and we need to resist the urge to fill the silence with a different question or a change of topic. Being patient while waiting for an answer is a great way to show respect to another. *…is neutral and free of bias. "You're not going to do that again, are you?" is clearly not neutral. Much better is, "You said you want to do "such and such" again. Can you help me better understand what is important to you about doing that?" *…is asked with one's full, undivided attention. The best question, if asked while we are scrolling on our phone, is meaningless, as our actions speak louder than our words. Great questions, asked with undivided attention and a commitment to truly listen to the response, are the lifeblood of all relationships. As with all the teachers setting up the rules in their classrooms right now, let's make great questions the norm in our lives and our relationships as well. Making It Personal: What would you add to this list of what makes for a great question? Which of the bullet points above speak most to you? With whom might you try out some great questions this week, asking them with undivided attention and a commitment to listening patiently? /episode/index/show/c2b0edbd-7c8f-475a-b3d3-b673c3935d44/id/33225342

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