Episode 20- Setting Boundaries in Marriage

On our last podcast, we talked about Boundaries in Marriage. We broke down several definitions of boundaries and concluded that when used in a healthy way, boundaries can be beneficial to a marriage in multiple ways and in multiple areas.

However, boundaries can be difficult in marriage for multiple reason. Join us on this episode as we share how to set boundaries in two easy steps.

Biblical Order

Have you ever heard of Biblical order? There is a high possibility that this may be new to you because this is not taught a lot. Biblical order basically sets the order of importance and priority we should show to the relationships in our lives. According to the Biblically model this is how we should prioritize our lives- God, spouse, children, parents, extended family, brothers and sisters in Christ, and then the rest of the world.

Some people have issues with the order of this list, but we assure you two things.

First, this is Biblical based, and you can find scripture to back this up.

Secondly, if you get your relationships in this order of importance by establishing boundaries to protect it, you will find an abundance you didn’t think would be possible. Everyone you come in contact with should get the same version of you, but not everyone desires the same depth of you, and that includes close relationships.

Getting your life in spiritual order and then establishing boundaries to maintain that order will help you to be good to everyone but save your depth for those the important people and situations in your life.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Step 1: Discuss the “What” and the “Why”

To begin with, you and your spouse will have to sit down and have a conversation about the “what and why”. What boundaries do we want set? Why we think they need to be set?

This is an especially critical step in the process. Whether you struggle with boundaries or not, it’s easier to work together as a team if you know the “why” behind something.

I know that is definitely true for us. Alex and I both do better if we know the why behind something.

So let's look at some examples with the list we shared in out previous podcast.

• In-Laws and other Family Members 

• What? We will not discuss our arguments with our family members?

• Why? Because being objective is hard for family members and they may not forgive or forget.

• Communication 

• What? We will not name-call or be demeaning to one another, especially during heated conversations.

• Why? Because we want to maintain a level of respect and honor in our relationship regardless of the situation.

• Money 

• What? We will discuss all purchases over X amount prior to making them.

• Why? Because we both need to be on the same page as far as finances are concerned.

• Friends and Work Relationship 

• What? Because we spend a great deal of time with these people these relationships will be extremely transparent to our spouses. They can see any and all communication that is made after hours.

• Why? Because affairs don’t start by accident, protecting our marriage is our top priority not work.

• Personal 

• What? At least once a month we will do something that brings life to us as an individual.

• Why? Maintaining close relationships or making time for hobbies is important.

• Intimacy 

• What? We will stay faithful and only have an intimate relationship with each other.

• Why? Our marriage is a covenant, and our vows should be honored.

Step 2: Don’t Apologize to Anyone for these Boundaries.

Once you and your spouse are on the same page. Don’t negotiate, compromise for, or apologize for anyone. There will be people both in your family and in your friend group that do not understand why you and your spouse have these boundaries in place. They don’t have too! They don’t have to understand or agree.

If the boundaries are agreed upon between you and your spouse and it is helping your marriage that’s all that matters.

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