136 - Gergich in the Machine
It's Christmastown
It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (), but first... Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ... Cast Rundown and Expositional Challenge ... Larded with Hallmark-movie metacognition ... Recognition, not comedy ... New Year's movies ... Nice vision of Christmas ... David Lynch's last film ... PART TWO Spot the...
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135 - An Open-Faced Hallmark Movie
It's Christmastown
We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (), but first... A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aware ... The AI/Gattaca of Hallmark ... PART TWO Cast Rundown, Expositional Challenge and Plot Mop-Up: Bryan vs. traditional suits; Jessie and Christmas games ... No gazebo, no kiss ... Groening's a Karpluk ... Buckley...
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134 - Giving Millennial Pandering a Hand
It's Christmastown
DC PIERSON hitches a ride on a taco truck to THE SANTA SUMMIT (), but... Is that the blowjob guy? THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet DC! ... Santacon: A cold version of St. Patrick's Day ... DC's Hallmark Wicker Man experience ... Southwestern pro-Christmas ... A 100-disc changer... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Ava's Ben crush; Liam and Mac, construction networking ... Parasocial cast relationships ... The Beesley Touch ... A movie made of extra bits... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Knowingly secular; Second Angel...
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133 - Women Laughing Alone with Christmas (Hockey Edition)
It's Christmastown
JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (), but... We've already got the furry erotica! THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works PART TWO Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mariah-Grinch Continuum ... Is the Grinch horny? Furry? ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Deal-stealing boyfriend; Team Christmas Week; French-Canadian players ... Just settle! Like the rest of us! ... Covid-fueled throwback ... The Thee/Thou Threshold ......
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132 - Leftover Choirs Are How We Get Aunts
It's Christmastown
Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (), but first... Let's sing ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir exercises ... Valid Wicker Man ... "A little 'Get Out'" ... PART TWO Spot the Angel: Susan and Pastor John ... Eat Your Heart Out: Oh my God dude; James Bond cocoa; pot-pie protocol; eggnog pancakes; off gluten;...
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131 - Live, Donut, Repeat
It's Christmastown
MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR get trapped going ROUND AND ROUND () with us, but... Shut up, kids, it's the second episode of Hanukkah! THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Chag Sameach ... We regret the errors ... It's good! ... Jew Belong meets war ... Good movie crammed into Hallmark, better than Christmas fare ... Crying at The Rock, Actually ... Jade PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Maura's Monologue; dreidel-dependent f*ckups; dating-help time loop ... Nerd cred ... Your boyfriend/son will explain the nerd...
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130 - Curated Pilot, Dead Lobstermen
It's Christmastown
MEREDITH CLARK and Jeb travel to CHRISTMAS ISLAND (), but... The lighthouse made me so angry ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Attracted to the Menendez Brothers ... Six years of sloth ... Brain-braising movie cred ... "Christmas Neutral" ... Fuck 30 Rock (Geographical) ... "A Christmas Kettling" ... OK glurge, insufficient bonkersocity ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Christmas Guy Oliver, Grandpa Postal Santa; week nor'easter; anti-business business parents ... Discount billionaires ... Pilot, cook, flight...
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129 - The Almost Famous of Brain Cancer
It's Christmastown
We're checking out cemeteries for when MS. CHRISTMAS COMES TO TOWN (), but... You're gonna wanna braise that elf ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Blood tests ... Letters to Santa: 'Are You Dead?' Edition ... New big TV ... Gatorade trauma basketball ... WWI of motion smoothing ... Jobless with SSRI's ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: College lover, Washington New England ... It's the terminal diagnosis show! ... Miss Christmas: Origins ... Cancer, Grief and Kindness: The Movie ... Commendably adult ... ...
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128 - Bring the Troops Back to Home Goods
It's Christmastown
JESSICA RITCHEY supports a HOLIDAY FOR HEROES () because: It's not a movie you watch, it's a pill you take ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Save a Troop Child ... "Dad History" - Michael Jackson ... Jessica: Tubi Magus ... Treat Williams ... Marc Blucas ... Muscle Twink Death ... NCAA athlete ... BDUs, dad bod ... Hallmark Hall of Fame vs. This ... Hallmark's Jehovah's Witness energy ... Home Goods ... S'mores contest ... Slighting the troops ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Military re-up; bringing...
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127 - A Gazebo Movie with Christmas Attached
It's Christmastown
Grab a 2x4 for the gazebo, it's A VERY MERRY BRIDESMAID (), but... Let's get back to the ugly Christmas sweater bachelor party ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet me at the gazebo ... Sleepytime ... Bright Lights, Big Sweater ... O'Henry ≠ Bierce ... Long trip, short distance ... Self-improvement procrastination ... Christmas Eve/Day weddings/birthdays ... Knifed by your own brother ... PART TWO , hear the Fascist Date story ... Inside the Game ... Drizzle, the condom ... Institutional Haley Joel Osment bias ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional...
info_outlineWe get looped into a TIMELESS LOVE (2019) and forget our kids to:
Find out what your mom's coffin would be like!
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather
PART ONE
Flexing some podcast muscles ... Embarrassing personal life statement ... Accidentally watching Candace Cameron movies ... Spousal and child loss is upsetting ... Maudlin/Frothy knob ... Effective sadness ... Convoluted production history ... "Warning: Real life contains tragedy" ... A Hallmark tease diving into weird contradiction ...
Break: "Miss You Most (At Christmastime)," by Mariah Carey
PART TWO
Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Daniel Jones analogy ... Organic chemistry ... Lit like Romper Room ... Uncannily defamiliarizing establishing footage ... Leipzig and Denver, Vermont ... Megan's mega-nihilist dad ... Hallmark's Ringu ... A lot of trauma and raw grief ... Jason Dorhing and The Stars Hollow Man ... Bad Hallmark movie, sabotagingly good indie movie ... This movie's too much like the day job ... Too interesting for the Hallmark space ... "It's 10 a.m., and I don't care where my kids are" ... Going back in time to become a bitcoin person ... No other aspect of time travel matters ... "Time did it" ...
Break: "Missing You," by John Waite
PART THREE
Excellence is what we do ... Spot the Angel: An angel would have helped ... Where's my angel? ... Please stay on the line! ... Satan's therapist and invisible women's pain ... The Jacob's Ladder cosmos ... Eat Your Heart Out: Load-bearing French onion soup; discovering parsley; "Famous Alfredo"; sewer milk, the kind in a can; burned pancakes; double-creamer hot chocolate; unintelligible empanada truck ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 24, "Stargazeboing at the Time Comet"; Levels of hallucinatory delusion; abundant brain trauma; Episode 67, "We Named the Dog Boyfriend"; Candace Cameron as The Unhip Rufus; Utah, we're comin' for ya ...
Break: "I'm Not Missing You," by Ebba Bergendahl
PART FOUR
Overdetermined: The opening coffin speech is peak Wine Clown; savage dad inhumanity ... The loud-talking culturally left-coast opinionated woman ... Crossover: Jacob's Ladder; The Forgotten; The Family Man; the namedrop segment; Looper ... The loop doesn't close, Dog ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A big dang no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Natalie, peak Wine Clown, either oblivious or meta-cognizant ... Windy Johnny's Hot Dogs ... "I forgot to be a person," a good line ... Who's the Real Villain: Work coma-fired me; the misogyny of her medical care; Heisenberg ... Title/Sequel: A deceptive/bewildering pun; a true title would be unsettling; Phantom Children; Overtimeless Love ... Rating: 2.5 ... Thank you for trying ... Slapstick terrible direction for Rachel Skarsten ... Asking too much of your last line of defense ... You're making a Rom-Som ... Hey, kid, I'm a mourner! ...
Break: "Miss You," by Etta James
PART FIVE
The Leftovers: The Hallmark/50 Shades overlap universe ... The Mobius of horny-oaf between Hallmark and 50 Shades ... Kate and Pretty Little Liars ... Mom sacrificed Megan for delivery fees ... Misuse of trauma/froth ... The IMDBeat: Bro/Bra/Breh; Candlelight Entertainment; filler flix from down at the Brough Factory; Colt McCoy; no one needs to fall off a cliff; Christmas Project 2; Corbin Bernsen; Brian Bosworth; Love in Aruba, but Stalked in Paradise ... Creamy noods for your ready alfredo ... Stussy ... Merry Christmas!
All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Utah Saints - Something Good (Dance Remix Instrumental)" by CutVocals.