It's Christmastown
Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.
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141 - The Great Yiddish Bake Off
11/07/2025
141 - The Great Yiddish Bake Off
ANDY LEVY, MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR return for a latke contest and a little HANUKKAH ON RYE () but first... Everyone is being disrespectful to the story of Hanukkah. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Minyan introductions … Jewish menu check … Podcast Goy … Hallmark Hanukkah History … Jewishness at 11.5, for future museums … Instant Bubbe, chocolate syrup … "Hollywood" … Peter DeLuise, James Caan Rule … Pandering, mockery, Batman … Dissociation, grandparental Jewishness… PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: You've Got Mail Crossing Delancey ... Plot Mop-Up: Lisa Loeb and Hanukkah songs; the actual plot; the Battle of the Bubbes … Spot the Angel: Mrs. Mizansky; Perd Hapley, Kermit doorman … John Wick… PART THREE Eat Your Heart Out: The Great Yiddish Bake Off; all Jewish food; teeming latkes; sufganiyot again; donut grievances; the Jewish Hidden Valley; egg cream; wax catharsis; corned beef sample, sad lox; rotating deli glamour shots; CGI; not kosher; "Gilberts"; rancid takeout swans; match game: food; concentration… PART FOUR Hallmark Expanded Universe: "Earth Jew" … Overdetermined: "Fiddler on the what?"; East coast culture snobbery … Crossover: Marvel, Candyman, Dr. Sleep, Harry Met Sally orgasm deli … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Bubbes, potato lip… PART FIVE Who's the Real Villain: Not making grandkids; NYC commercial real estate; no villains … Cloned bubbes, uncomfortable cousin vibes … Title/Sequel … Rating: 3.5 … Constant deceit, prayer … No to Andie MacDowell … Pokemonides… PART SIX The Leftovers: Electric menorah … Chekhov's seltzer gun … Grabbing pennies, generous tip …. IMDB Dive: Angela Narth Appreciation Station … Day drunk … SO not NYC, SO not heterosexual … DNA testing: No! … Why we do what we do … Andy's Stuff: Gay as hell, LA coding, waxpertise, Kyrie's Seamless order, Hanukkah's for children … Angry fasting movies! … Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "(I'm Spending) Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer. That Slate article: Bluesky Links: - - - -
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140 - Blind, Incoherent and Metal as Hell
10/20/2025
140 - Blind, Incoherent and Metal as Hell
HOLLY ANDERSON brings us a piping hot basket of dogs to help us in GUIDING EMILY (), but… TEASER: We're at a loss … DMT and Togo … Live barking … THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Holly's forever home … Garth? … Hallmark knowledge (+200 Dodgeball) … Healthy for work: a millennial attack … Talking Dog theory … Eric McCormack, yellow lab … Surface dog, onscreen braille … Phone accessibility, unicornmoji … Timeless, America+… PART TWO Cast Rundown … Drew? … Dog interlude … The Expositional Challenge … Afraid of beeps … Muad'Dog … Chronic illness/generational targeting … Wheelchair coworker … Do the disabled depress Hallmark? … Public service: being blind and helping the blind … Crepe/pumpkin yearning … Omniscient foreboding dog narrator plot graft … Question the science … Garth's PIP … Telepathy > peanut butter… PART THREE Chip & Bean Cafe … Never seen the Simpsons … Spot the Angel: Sexless Drew/Mark … Online frisson … Wine clown … Workbot boyfriend … Emotionally incoherent, metal as hell … Final Destination / Ep. 67 doom/slapstick threat … Connor-exculpation … Vanishing palatial boomer mom… PART FOUR Eat Your Heart Out: Chip-based personality; real local restaurant; burger ejecta;"Blind Date"? … Dog biscuit downstream effect … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Greater Pacific Northwest, Amnesiac Utah … Ironside … Overdetermined: Refusing help … Coulda been worse! … Affecting outreach … Holly, and the emotional wave of fostering dogs … No Voight-Kampff or Villains … Good lines … Rating: 3.5, more Garth … A Shudder Christmas … REAL kiss fakeout … Simple journey, not a drag… PART FIVE Ratings ethos … The Wayans warned us … … Atlantic Rim … Marvels Cat Scene Timestamp: 1:11:40 … IMDB Dive: Cybersleuthing with dog; Michael Mann's Tokyo Vice Road to Christmas; Andy Mikita, Antonio Cupo; Final Destination … Hallmark Candyman … The Leftovers: Listen for the sound shadows … Spaghetti-O's … Cremains … CoonHoundRescue.com: We deliver! … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.
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139 - Snow Crashing the Joe Morgan Moneyball Universe
10/09/2025
139 - Snow Crashing the Joe Morgan Moneyball Universe
Why did we try to find LOVE IN GLACIER NATIONAL PARK ()? Because it is there. As is… TEASER: The horniest avalanche-safety film we've ever seen, trapped in the Beavis terrarium of the ancestral mind, with Steve. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Is the Angel Jason Giambi? … Avalanche safety tips … A feast of table-read first takes … Extreme Hallmark throwback … The title! … Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Samantha, dog trainer, mom's apprentice; Sonya, stupid sexy Flanders mode … Beavis-world vision … Not pregnant, adios! … Swimmers … IVF and climate change … Star Trek: TNG, S1 … Better than the Trail of Tears one… PART TWO Spot the Angel: Nope … Eat Your Heart Out: Hot cocoa, food pyramid foundation; Hi-C goblets, unnatural wine; root beer float highball; banana/peanut butter croissant … Chris's disrespect and aspirin advice … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Stephen Huszar's ski-guy persona) and the hermetic placelessness of the Hallmark Alpine Biome … Andy Lack (derogatory) … Overdetermined: An effing manchild; Dead Mom; Frisky Dingo … Epic photo of epicry … Anti-fizz… PART THREE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chris, no growth, no person … The Joe Morgan Moneyball Universe … Great Moments in Moppetry: 2, director Mom, tough script, posterizing Sonya, plumper … Who’s the Real Villain?: Those who ignore avalanche safety, false binary, misplaced blame, idiot skepticism … Rating: 1.5 … Pointlessly mean, obviously Whistler … Stock footage, iced tea and 11º… PART FOUR The Leftovers: The three most Canadian extras in history … The beautiful, talented Melvin … Melvin taxonomy … IMDB Dive: Stephen Huszar's better than this … Rabid remake … White supremacist sex tourist … Cops making fascists cry … In loving memory of outdoor Rambo III enthusiasts … Unwelcome antique National Parks feelings … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.
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138 - Josie and the Gilrbosses
09/15/2025
138 - Josie and the Gilrbosses
We're having a launch party for the stuffed Italian bread triptychs honoring SISTERHOOD, INC. (), but first... TEASER: Don't fiddle with the knobs, or it's Queens for ya. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Happy Employment Movie! … Greeting cards, Tech Nazis, Roko's Basilisk … Jim Rome Take: A Hannibal Lecter Group Text Experience … Sacramento … No Trump phlegm, no fizz… PART TWO Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: The, uh, entire romantic plot; board structure; 30 Billion Dowmericans; mature/good sister/mother/daughter WASP; good-behavior modeling movie … Former mutuals with the screenwriter (no-drama edition)… PART THREE Spot the Angel: It Takes a Village … Eat Your Heart Out: Drunkenness; no Campari in Hallmark; kitchen oaf; 1/2 of one squash, 3 tiny chicken filets, loose paprika dredge, quartered like a math problem; overdoing the crafty; huge orange; shooters with mom … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chicagoless Chicago again, Siena College garnish; the thinking man's Albany; the early funny ones!… PART FOUR Overdetermined: Determined, not overdetermined, execution of required Hallmark beats … Kombucha's Christmastown debut … Kava bar … Crossover: Already a real romcom; Bobby Bacala, retired "accountant" … Luca Brazi syntax …Sheryl Sandberg and David Sacks: matchmakers … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Yuki… PART FIVE Who’s the Real Villain?: Phone, the broader sort of Lean-In cosmos … Rating: 4 … Wife Chat: The Board … IMDB Dive: Hackett and Galanoy Appreciation Station; grown-up Nickelodeon; phone … The Leftovers: How many gags didn't make the Hallmark cut? … Mail montage … A series of calzones … Momtuition … Self-McKinseying … Rubber Gaskets … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.
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137 - Chocopurse Presents: Collateral (All-22 Footage)
05/20/2025
137 - Chocopurse Presents: Collateral (All-22 Footage)
We’re spending all day in the car on our way to a stationary restaurant, and them’s the breaks with AN UNEXPECTED VALENTINE (), but first... TEASER: Our respect for the Boboli Corporation. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Foster Grant, CF Frost, Wells Fargo … Jim Caviezel and Scully … Bonus preview … Nick Bond Appreciation Station … “Fries” vs. “Pizza”... PART TWO We counted them down! … “Christmas” explains a lot … Can’t remember movies … Why do these people meet? … Cast Rundown … Soriano or Osuna? … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Sick child, gay cookie foundry … Familiarly defamiliarizing … La Chabert Appreciation Station … No horny material… PART THREE Spot the Angel: Village NPCs vs. The Gig Economy … Bottle episode … Eat Your Heart Out: Enormous martinis, extra host, scalding coffee, the FBI’s Flavor Unit, Edible purse, Our Respect for the Boboli Corporation, Charcuterie bodega, Uber Dolmades, “Potato Chip,” “Nat-Chos,” … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: McBanjoverse, Zac Hugiverse, Santacon, Actual Christmastown; I noticed Denver; all existing alt NYCs … You love this (sorry)… PART FOUR Overdetermined: Ghosts from a normal script; no mutual accusations; hard to be haunted by Valentine’s Day; why did they commit to this?; some screwball’d help; good takes but not great jokes … Crossover: Collateral II: Collateral Aftermath, Michael Mann reverie … More Audioslave in Hallmark; Fred Schneider, welcome to Hallmark… PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chef Mario, Little Mikey’s family … Gauntlet interlude … Who’s the Real Villain?: App economy grindset; Bartholomew’s non-rotating restaurant; Thomas, the NYC parking officer … Bonus sales pitch! … Rating: 3 … Thank you for trying! … PART SIX The Leftovers: Robert Buckley Appreciation Station … “It was me!” and “Fashion Week but Edible!” …Cooks Illustrated … NYC Soft FM, Michael Ironside as Viper, The Warriors … IMDB Dive: Michael Robison and Blade the Series, (feat. Sticky Fingaz) … “Are you on Instagram?” … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and “Powerhouse” by the Raymond Scott Quintette.
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136 - Gergich in the Machine
02/07/2025
136 - Gergich in the Machine
It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (), but first... Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ... Cast Rundown and Expositional Challenge ... Larded with Hallmark-movie metacognition ... Recognition, not comedy ... New Year's movies ... Nice vision of Christmas ... David Lynch's last film ... PART TWO Spot the Angel: No, or Jerry Gergich ... Eat Your Heart Out: 10,000 Flushes and Life Savers cocktails; Rainforest Cafe; candy-cane doctor; grocery-store cookies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jerry Reinsdorf and Hawk Harrelson; veteran men's encounter group; episodes 1, 4, 27 and 60 ... PART THREE Overdetermined: "I remembered Christmas"; what's wrong with you; meta-town; dad's cattiness; "what's Christmas?" repeatedly ... Crossover: You Should Have Left, Cemetery Man, Pleasantville ... PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Officer Connor and The Mayor ... Gazebo trend map ... Who's the Real Villain: Men's inability to process shame; Amazon ... PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... A baseless romance ... The Leftovers: Dustin Rikert and Easy Rider 2 ... Arm's distance ... Incorrectly beating your car ... CFL lighting ... A pine tree in a living room??? ... Deleted Scene: Walken impressions, cut-ups, Fatboy Slim ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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135 - An Open-Faced Hallmark Movie
12/25/2024
135 - An Open-Faced Hallmark Movie
We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (), but first... A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aware ... The AI/Gattaca of Hallmark ... PART TWO Cast Rundown, Expositional Challenge and Plot Mop-Up: Bryan vs. traditional suits; Jessie and Christmas games ... No gazebo, no kiss ... Groening's a Karpluk ... Buckley affably going along ... Spot the Angel: No, but Hunger Games ... PART THREE Eat Your Heart Out: Marcus the gourmet; blurred banquet; "make it a double!"; splash of skim milk ... No Cure for Christmas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: All Hallmark retail on one block; widowers are just lying divorced dads ... The Korean War ... PART FOUR Overdetermined: Deconstructed Hallmark? ... Crossover: Ready or Not; Fake Fiancées on Adultery Island ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... The Real Villain/Voight-Kampff Test: Again, it's real and fine; weird knows it's weird ... Rating: 3 ... Three-car garage ... PART FIVE The Leftovers: Where does it end? ... Crypto's pumping ... Let's gooooo debut ... IMDB Dive: Steal B-Rad's sunshine ... Christmas in Angel Falls ... MERRY! shirt ... Family kiss ogling ... Widow Talk: Don't eliminate supportive traditions ... 3x5 wallet photo ... Fiber-optic marketer ... WE DID IT, BABY! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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134 - Giving Millennial Pandering a Hand
11/29/2024
134 - Giving Millennial Pandering a Hand
DC PIERSON hitches a ride on a taco truck to THE SANTA SUMMIT (), but... Is that the blowjob guy? THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet DC! ... Santacon: A cold version of St. Patrick's Day ... DC's Hallmark Wicker Man experience ... Southwestern pro-Christmas ... A 100-disc changer... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Ava's Ben crush; Liam and Mac, construction networking ... Parasocial cast relationships ... The Beesley Touch ... A movie made of extra bits... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Knowingly secular; Second Angel Theory (Quebecois Freddie, Dasher); it takes a village ... Bloodhound Gang BJ Guy ... Eat Your Heart Out: Thicc sushi-place Christmas cookies; boilermakers; dry ice; pint eggnog; canteen; math jokes, round food; food trucks; wasabi rim... PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Mapping a nameless place; Chicagoland; co-opting city life; Dr. Where/Weir; Shelbyville ... Overdetermined: Quitting on networking; TK TK TK; dissonant, scary sincerity; passing a millennial torch ... Crossover: Any sitcom; a personal Pauley Perrette; Mike and the Mad Dog... PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Anti-business bartender; Freddie the Angel-Replicant; our two leads ... Who's the Real Villain?: Our underfunded public schools ... Rating: 4 ... Audience mistrust, atavistic studio notes... PART SIX The Leftovers: GIS for "Boston art teacher" ... Sam Bankman-Fried ... IMDB Dive: Christmas skills; "Jingle Bell" karaoke ... Cool Runnings, tacos, Casablanca ... Russell Hainline, we're your friends ... My sweatpants ... Pandering target ... "Hallmark 2000" ... Merry Christmas! ... All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. DC'S Instagram and Bluesky
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133 - Women Laughing Alone with Christmas (Hockey Edition)
10/24/2024
133 - Women Laughing Alone with Christmas (Hockey Edition)
JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (), but... We've already got the furry erotica! THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works PART TWO Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mariah-Grinch Continuum ... Is the Grinch horny? Furry? ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Deal-stealing boyfriend; Team Christmas Week; French-Canadian players ... Just settle! Like the rest of us! ... Covid-fueled throwback ... The Thee/Thou Threshold ... How do you act a story like this well? ... A "being adult and normal" fakeout ... Brain damage PART THREE Spot the Angel: Ashley's dad and Scott's coach ... A literal bible ... Eat Your Heart Out: Grandma's dire eggnog; The Cider Social; awful pastries, sugar drinks; Barbie food; stadium peppermint tea; Sleepytime mascot, pajama gun, candlelit ushers; the Drunken Puck; airport chocolates, airport beer ... Clear hotel lobby store ... Zamboni driving in the Richard Scarry region of the brain ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: French 85 Magazine, "How to Survive Christmas Alone"; hockey tournament/goon clash PART FOUR Overdetermined: Forced credit-card fussiness; "But I'm different"; plot-end collision and bastard father ... False Ray Bourque information ... Scott, winter ignorant ... Crossover: Scott, Deadpool adjacency and sassy Kristen Bell; money and a rewrite away from a real rom-com; Alex Garland's Civil War; LA to Vegas, Idaho Falls to Spokane ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dave, rowdy child, good eater ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Googe-sound boy; 3 ... Who's the Real Villain: Ambition, cruel fatherhood, misogyny/the bar is THAT low PART FIVE Rating: 3 (non-derogatory) ... "Honestly, I'm fine with this" ... The Leftovers: Non-interruptive work-from-home ... Protagonist's dream/career age ... "Those who can't play, coach" ... A smooth 84 ... Pod Yourself The Wire namedrops ... Gretzky 3:16 ... Plus/Minus and stats annoyance ... Kevin Fair, Get Carter, Josie and the Pussycats, and The Core ... Saw 3-D ... "Idaho Falls" ... Postgame interview BS ... You know how to ruin a cider social ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Jamie's Bluesky
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132 - Leftover Choirs Are How We Get Aunts
06/28/2024
132 - Leftover Choirs Are How We Get Aunts
Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (), but first... Let's sing ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir exercises ... Valid Wicker Man ... "A little 'Get Out'" ... PART TWO Spot the Angel: Susan and Pastor John ... Eat Your Heart Out: Oh my God dude; James Bond cocoa; pot-pie protocol; eggnog pancakes; off gluten; peppermint egg cream ... PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: We don't know where we are; Episode 78, Holiday Date? ... Overdetermined: Mom tells you to let go of your dreams, leave the eggnog carton ... Mom taunting ... Crossover: Safe callback; Glee ... Sports-triumph movies still exist ... PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Matthew, android lead; Alice, choirbot ... Tyler, Kyler, Tyler ... Who's the Real Villain: This movie ... Incredible titles work here ... Rating: 2, throwback movie ... PART FIVE The Leftovers: Executive Producer Blake Shelton ... Tim Allen and Robert Goulet ... "Accordion to Steve's Christmas Polka" ... Foxwoods theme song ... Blake Shelton kickbacks ... Good singers, bad performance ... Grace Leer and Allie Liebert Appreciation Station ... Bus weirdo ... LOT COP ... Prester John ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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131 - Live, Donut, Repeat
04/03/2024
131 - Live, Donut, Repeat
MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR get trapped going ROUND AND ROUND () with us, but... Shut up, kids, it's the second episode of Hanukkah! THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Chag Sameach ... We regret the errors ... It's good! ... Jew Belong meets war ... Good movie crammed into Hallmark, better than Christmas fare ... Crying at The Rock, Actually ... Jade PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Maura's Monologue; dreidel-dependent f*ckups; dating-help time loop ... Nerd cred ... Your boyfriend/son will explain the nerd thing ... Fake Londoner, Comic Guy ... Double the characters, all matter ... Ashkenazi word load ... Format tweaking, references on the meta knife edge ... Which twist? Who knew? ... Can't hang (with) the DJ ... Jobbed mom ... Welcome back to Bar Mitzvah Chat PART THREE Spot the Angel: Grandma/Busker/Santa? ... Spot the Bard ... Eat Your Heart Out: Food-lite; plot/reality-proportional; "Hanukkah on Rye" callback; Jews as human ... Sufganiyot (reprise): Childhood, Israel, politics, inaccuracy ... Signifying body blows ... People, 2030 ... Blue Christmas ... Candles ... Latke assembly ... No superlatives ... Wine complaint ... Secular Jews, pls PART FOUR Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hanukkah on Rye ... Overdetermined: London-Nerd hookup vs. Time-loop revelations vs. Rachel's nerd cred/purpose/attitude ... Self-uncanny valleying ... Tropes as prison, not skeleton ... Curving tropes in on themselves ... Uncanny to movies, not humanity ... Crossover: Too real; a $10m budget and 30 days; Hellraiser; Granddad Groundhog Day; all Groundhog Days PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa; the most Methodist mom ... Rating: 5 ... The Leftovers: Jammed-in Santa ... Coda ... Almost famous ... Inclusive casting ... Bryan Greenberg, Rick Hoffman, and Vic Michaelis Appreciation Station ... Feelings at movie scale ... Real pillow-face ... Bears tight end ... Stay off the tollways ... Minion gifs ... Subway signage ... Two-hour novel revision ... Mixtapes ... 7 days ... IMDB Dive: Tamar Laddy ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "[I'm Spending] Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer.
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130 - Curated Pilot, Dead Lobstermen
03/22/2024
130 - Curated Pilot, Dead Lobstermen
MEREDITH CLARK and Jeb travel to CHRISTMAS ISLAND (), but... The lighthouse made me so angry ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Attracted to the Menendez Brothers ... Six years of sloth ... Brain-braising movie cred ... "Christmas Neutral" ... Fuck 30 Rock (Geographical) ... "A Christmas Kettling" ... OK glurge, insufficient bonkersocity ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Christmas Guy Oliver, Grandpa Postal Santa; week nor'easter; anti-business business parents ... Discount billionaires ... Pilot, cook, flight attendant ... Hallmark lifestyle porn ... Dead lobstermen ... Briny Santa, orca driver ... Stakes-killing trauma ... Wicker Man end! ... Too normal for this swerve ... Fear of Flying vs. Love of Booty ... F'n lighthouse! ... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Grandpa McCloud ... Eat Your Heart Out: Plane hot chocolate, and more; lobsters with hats, with feelings; facecakes at Nott Pub ... Import/export ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 83, 94 and 129 ... Overdetermined: Sewing machine (longingly); social-media save; "he ignored weather warnings" ... PART FOUR Crossover: Wicker Man, Trailer Park Boys, Deadliest Catch, Cocoa Dismemberment, Lighthouse Documentary (Herzog) ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa McCloud; Co-Pilot Derek ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Curly Sue audition memories; also, 2 ... PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... The Leftovers: Old Singer ... Air-traffic control meet-cute ... Curated experience ... Green candycane ... "This is your dream job?" ... IMDB Dive ... No breath, no nor'easter ... Now you're like me ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "." Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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129 - The Almost Famous of Brain Cancer
02/23/2024
129 - The Almost Famous of Brain Cancer
We're checking out cemeteries for when MS. CHRISTMAS COMES TO TOWN (), but... You're gonna wanna braise that elf ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Blood tests ... Letters to Santa: 'Are You Dead?' Edition ... New big TV ... Gatorade trauma basketball ... WWI of motion smoothing ... Jobless with SSRI's ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: College lover, Washington New England ... It's the terminal diagnosis show! ... Miss Christmas: Origins ... Cancer, Grief and Kindness: The Movie ... Commendably adult ... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Travis or Boss Elizabeth ... Eat Your Heart Out: "Christmas Cacciatore"; braised elf; candy-cane straw cocoa; Hogan's Donuts math theory; peanut butter Christmas mice (tie) ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 83, "But Wait, There's Buckley" and Episode 94, "The Ecstasy of Competence" ... Overdetermined: No ... Seventeen minutes of modeling good behavior ... It's not Hall of Fame! ... Mad Dog on JFK ... PART FOUR The Swagony of Defeat: Yes, but it fits? ... The White Collar reverse camera ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Murray the Bus Driver! ... Rating: 3 ... Barbara Niven Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Power Man Jason Bourque ... Jason London ... Scatting ... Sold-out sound FX ... CSI Cyber, turning red, podcast ... Ken Cosgrove's scarlet suit and Amanda's Christmas jockey ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "The CSI Cyber Podcast Theme" by . Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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128 - Bring the Troops Back to Home Goods
12/22/2023
128 - Bring the Troops Back to Home Goods
JESSICA RITCHEY supports a HOLIDAY FOR HEROES () because: It's not a movie you watch, it's a pill you take ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Save a Troop Child ... "Dad History" - Michael Jackson ... Jessica: Tubi Magus ... Treat Williams ... Marc Blucas ... Muscle Twink Death ... NCAA athlete ... BDUs, dad bod ... Hallmark Hall of Fame vs. This ... Hallmark's Jehovah's Witness energy ... Home Goods ... S'mores contest ... Slighting the troops ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Military re-up; bringing a battalion home ... Missed dead-brother opportunity ... Combat without consequence ... The GLeeMONEX Initiative ... Job-solution man ... Spot the Angel: No ghost, no one, or everyone, or the Army ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee with warlords; thos beans; nog contest/Mexican chocolate nog; Waingro Counter; instant latte ... PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 57, 86, and 5 ... Overdetermined: Dance at the barn; Hallmark war-zone quit; Ronin; support-the-troops speech ... PART FOUR Crossover: The Initiative; The Hurt Locker; Black Hawk Down II; Penny Dreadful ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Co-workers Jade and Pam; Linda Fiorentino as Jade; high school principal; Patton ... Who's the Real Villain: Nothing happened, the Neocons, imperialism ... The fruitlessness of this movie and the GWOT ... PART FIVE Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: Cold breath, hot sun ... Shot in Connecticut ... Wet dock (reprise) ... Wrapped hockey stick (reprise) ... Make with the death! ... IMDB Dive: 1800 soap episodes; Blucas and Brawl in Cell Block 99; Breckin Meyer; Marcia Clark ... George Templeton Strong ... "I love that you're so into history" ... "I'm the eggnog king!" ... Feliz Navidad! ... A Royal Corgi Princess/Christmas; A Pinch of Portugal; Love, Inheritance and Lunch ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! All music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "" by Jay Ungar. Jessica's Twitter • BlueSky • Patreon
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127 - A Gazebo Movie with Christmas Attached
07/12/2023
127 - A Gazebo Movie with Christmas Attached
Grab a 2x4 for the gazebo, it's A VERY MERRY BRIDESMAID (), but... Let's get back to the ugly Christmas sweater bachelor party ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet me at the gazebo ... Sleepytime ... Bright Lights, Big Sweater ... O'Henry ≠ Bierce ... Long trip, short distance ... Self-improvement procrastination ... Christmas Eve/Day weddings/birthdays ... Knifed by your own brother ... PART TWO , hear the Fascist Date story ... Inside the Game ... Drizzle, the condom ... Institutional Haley Joel Osment bias ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Paul, Julia and real estate; Julia, the Reasonable Bridezilla, and a bespoke dress ... Berating clerks in Jeb Mode ... Dress delivery epilogue ... "Tree amateur," Emily Osment directed and the Earnest Hallmark style ... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Nana and multigenerational haunting ... Get out and see some of the world only for a little bit ... Dad's health issues ... How a Hallmark executive sees the world ... Eat Your Heart Out: Lobster stuffed with tacos; Argentinian Christmas cookies; load-bearing hot cocoa; concluding birthday cake; the Bears lost; empty beer bottles ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes: 1, 27, The Best Fries in the City, 4, 60, 125, the most important gazebo since "Stargazeboing at the Time Comet", 70 ... PART FOUR Overdetermined: Not really; overdetermined false starts; What Would Your Grandma Do? ... Crossover: Somebody Somewhere, with a Hallmark Script; Chicago Wedding Strike Force ... PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Not really, not Julia, or Paul, real estate buyer, gazebo erector ... Fitzcarraldo ... Rating: 3 ... IMDB Dive: Emily Osment, Annie Potts, Wallace Shawn; Deidrich and In the Dark; Tracy Andreen and Elena Valdez ... One of the Elite Princesses in the World Renowned Royal Court of the Tournament of Roses Parade Presented by Honda ... Gift-wrap punking our female lead ... Minor Emergency with Gordie LaSalle ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and Mozart's "" performed by the Vienna Philharmonic and Chorus, conducted by Sir Georg Solti. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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126 - Journal to the Center of the Turf
06/15/2023
126 - Journal to the Center of the Turf
RYAN NANNI discovers all roads lead to Arli$$, and we're A WINNING TEAM () because: All we see is the goal ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Ryan's podcast samsara ... Rebawatchables ... Lady Frankenstein ... Mary Shelley, Bobby Bonilla ... Ryan's Hallmark expertise ... Brain damage ... Throwback, safety-presentation movie ... Christmas move, Arbor Day ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Divorce, Shakespeare production, Clemson scholarship ... The Hallmark ACC ... Spot the Hustle: Rasheed Wallace; unconvincing sports; no mock franchises; real arena, public park; diminishing sports ... Dropping acid, watching Hallmark, shrieking neighbor ... Commentator Bumble date ... PART THREE Eat Your Heart Out: "Fries"; urban oat milk, business wisdom; bread bowls; homemade tahini; (Boardwalk Empire butt cut); (admire-able); 10am pie; giant night pancakes; consolation wings; invisible omelet; bobcat stomach; winner buys! ... Alley gambling ... PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tulips, all roads lead to Arli$$, and the toxic PNW sports culture ... Hallmark ESPN never embraced debate ... Overdetermined: Ropes course; constantly humbling Emily; undecided protagonist; Ian has a type ... Ian: 30 years, two partners ... PART FIVE Crossover: Ted Lasso and Any Given Sunday; Aaron Rodgers' diarrhea retreat; Jon Bois' Friday Night Lights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Social worker Brandon; no replicant; Sandra, the diner owner ... Who's the Real Villain: Emily's immaturity; no sports Big Bad; kids specializing in sports; Ian, The Dragon ... Rating: 2 ... Impossibly bad sports ... Star Trek Space Africans/Unlicensed Gilmore Girls ... Let Emily be mean! ... PART SIX The Leftovers: World-class woman's player, no-name loser ... Gary Sheffield public-park dingers ... Leadership writing, Taylor Swift ... Emily and online sports discussion ... Knitting coach, man down ... IMDB Dive ... "Mr. Dick" ... Geocaching ... No crutches! ... Sex at BYU ... Wet dock ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "" by Hot Blood. Ryan's Twitter • Fullcast
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125 - If You Can Book Her, Joyner
05/16/2023
125 - If You Can Book Her, Joyner
Surprise! It's AN UNEXPECTED CHRISTMAS () and we're still dating! Also, ... This is a bad idea ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Turn on Dave's She-Shed ... Lair, fort, Rodney Dangerfield ... Unprepared! ... "The Single Guy" ... Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Paul Campbell ... Three Wise Men and a Baby ... Christmas Season vs. Baseball Season ... Canadian doo-wop ... Paul Campbell (Screenwriting) Appreciation Station ... Mamet notes ... Sharing the quippy wealth ... Coming up! ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dead Christmas patriarch, gay sister, gay chief of staff, writer's block ... 5pm publishing on Deadspin ... Jeff Loria's Peanuts book, How to Watch Football on Television ... Jamie's serial quits ... Wishing fountain, tourism slogan ... One Tree Hill ... PART THREE The Swagony of Defeat: Custom mugs, Balsam Hill Farmhouse Christmas Ornaments Set of 25 ... Advent tree, starting Thanksgiving ... Tense mugs, Airbnb-ass kitchen ... Make me care about this consumer ... Spot the Angel: Angel free, large family ... Eat Your Heart Out: Normal food; Monty Python teakettles; cookie plunder; implied Swedish chef; cookie violence; destroyed, carbonized (ceremonial) footlong hot dog; Footie Scran; large coffee, giant dog, huge thermal, 8 blocks; neat whiskey; giant woven candy cane; wry jazz club/Italian restaurant waiter and reprise ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chicagoland marketing, finance, politics, society, inventor of sport peppers ... Chicago/Chicagoland inversion ... Marketing name ... PART FOUR Overdetermined: No, but Jamie is a frozen turd ... "Tired of living in fear" ... So particular ... Emily's generous self-pathologizing ... Do better, Emily ... Crossover: Todd Solondz Christmas; An Unexpected Blago; Kamala Harris ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 2.5 ... Rating: 3.5 ... Tighten it up, Jamie! ... PART FOUR The Leftovers: Jackie Joyner-Kersee ... Nobody can flush in Fulton ... Rat Funeral ... The Single Guy (Reprise) ... It's not karaoke, it's CAROLING ... IMDB Dive ... Courtney Belize, Ron Mexico ... Vending machine ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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124 - Dream Cookies, Wine MILFs, Moon Boat
03/30/2023
124 - Dream Cookies, Wine MILFs, Moon Boat
We celebrate A KISMET CHRISTMAS () with one dose of cookies and realize ... When the ingenues need help, they make one call: La Chabert ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Jeb's at the Strawberry Festival ... Simultaneous Strep and Covid ... Jazzys in the Entenmann's Event Tent ... We liked it! ... Meta threat ... Parenthood, dud ensemble ... "Hallmark Christmas Blogger Sarah Ramos" ... Aware, but not kidding ... Fun hammy ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Grandma Mia decluttering; mom outta the picture; Patsy and the Mayor; book-ornament contest; looming deadlines; childhood collaborations ... Spot the Angel: Benny the agent; ancestral ghost; Travis ... Eat Your Heart Out: Kismet Cookies, not to be used internally; done when it seems done; secret ingredient is love; you need fudge ... Break: NFL Films, "Classic Battle" PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jeb screws up a TPB reference; children's books are easy!; Nostalgic Christmas (Episode 72); the Man in the Arena ... Overdetermined: Almost none; working cookie for a trembling lady; great divorce take; three quits, one plausible explanation ... Crossover: Stephen King; Rogan book tour ... Gary Vaynerchuk ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Mayor, a medicated Dennis Hopper; Raylene, Wine Woo Mom ... Who's the Real Villain: Villain-free; Christmas wedding hosts ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 2.0, for load-bearing moppetry ... Rating: 4.5, well-executed turbo Hallmarkery ... IMDB Dive: Mark Jean, Flip That Romance (Ep. 51); Betsy Morris Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Gateway jewelry ... I got my library card ... Benny's Christmas HQ ... Becoming your parents ads ... Sarah Ramos's "City Girl" ... Night Runner vs. Moon Boat ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Timorous Me." by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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123 - Faeries, Dr. Weir, Things of That Nature
03/03/2023
123 - Faeries, Dr. Weir, Things of That Nature
We take A FABLED HOLIDAY () out of time, and we apologize: No one's claiming the rights ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Play that glissando! ... Holiday recap: Hatchet accident, child custody, punting to Queens ... "Hanukkah on Rye" update ... A year of Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Decompensating via Christmas nostalgia ... Who are your guys? ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Jake guy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Widower Charles on the Event Horizon ... Vincent Price chapter narration ... A strangely under-playful, overly traumatized movie ... Mr. Snowflake at Verso Books ... A WWI of emotion ... Spot the Devil: Mildred ... Spot the Angel: The Narrator ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Eat Your Heart Out: Mad Men/Lumbergh cocoa mugs; goulash; inaccurate beer pull; orange abbondanza; candy cane vape pen; chewing on cinnamon and rosemary ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The PNW telluric currents; angel vacation resort ... Overdetermined: Confronting the sprites, wild accusations; Mildred's Rickles routine; "I am done living in fear!" ... Stuff didn't work out! It's ok! ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Crossover: Introducing Ned Ryerson; nyads, wood-nymphs, things of that nature; Death Ship, again ... Unclaimed rights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Diane and Keith's divorce-a-thon ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Maybe 2,000 years old ... Mad Dog Russo's Revolutionary War ... Who's the Real Villain: Fiction publishing and copyright ... Literacy in DeSantisland ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... Meet your dead dad ... IMDB Dive: Ruby Monroe, script supervisor, Blade Trinity The Leftovers: Charles and Mildred banter (good), Charles despair line-reads (bad) ... All her stories, steel suitcase ... Made up village, lotta rules ... Blue violin, karate ... Six seasons and a screenplay! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Torgo's Theme." Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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122 - A Pumpkin for Klendathu
12/16/2022
122 - A Pumpkin for Klendathu
It's PUMPKIN EVERYTHING (), and we'll never pass up a good thing. Radio by seniors, for seniors ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Bug planet! ... Michael Ironside Appreciation Station ... Extremely weird, way too real ... Dead malls, pizza chains ... Repetitive love arc. vs. elder mortality and AA ... A rom-som template on real vulnerability ... Bruce Arians ... Our aging [step]parents[-in-law], aging and driving ... First normal person in a Hallmark world ... Committed, sincere, Hallmark dialogue ... Fundamental grouchy love ... Real Crossover: A Canadian indie film in a Hallmark universe ... Break: Basil Poledouris, "," Starship Troopers soundtrack. PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Hey, Good Morning; Amy Instagram; she's a business ... Jazz aficionado ... Senior Radio ... Apology, AA confessional, let's race! ... Scarecrow teen treachery ... Spot the Angel: No ... Eat Your Heart Out: Caramel mortarboard; foliage week, proper names, time dilation; first pumpkin latte of the season; late Loggia, Alex Jones; hotel pitcher of cider; Luke and Lillian's pumpkin sage ravioli; Mountain Dew Braised Rojas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tom is Billy Pilgrimed here; diner kid in the movies, here, now; ""; "," the undercover Jewish experience, Delco Extended Universe ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Letters to Santa: Andrea Canning, the Dateline anchor, USS Christmas and IMDB ... Overdetermined: Necessarily overt talks; soundtrack cue, swing hooting ... Crossover: Starship Troopers and Scanners, of course ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Mom Lillian, jerk-horny, work-life imbalanced ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Who's the Real Villain?: The elder care industry ... Don't wanna know the book's plot ... Full Mendo ... Title/Sequel: Good title; fed up; that feel, Tone ... Rating: 3.5 ... "Inchon Landing on the War on Christmas" ... The Leftovers: The Jeff Beesley experience ... The Michael Ironside IMDB tour ... McBain ... Surfacing/Scanners ... Cohagen, horse breeder ... Megawattage ... Soundalike narrative soundtrack ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "," by Howard Shore, Scanners soundtrack. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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121 - Assault on the Waist Rising
11/23/2022
121 - Assault on the Waist Rising
CASEY JOHNSTON'S making us stretch before WARMING UP TO YOU (), but we're willing to reconsider if: We want to buy that "Congrats on finding a floater" card ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Toilet drop ... Meet Casey! ... Love your work, and I'm not heeding it ... Renamed movie ... Grew up in Hallmark stores ... Teen money ... Haunted by figurines ... Work at Hallmark ... Work at the Gap ... Gift wrap ... Year-round Christmas store ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Wrecked toilet ... Daffy final third ... Real-ish growth ... More nuance, still confused ... Maximize Your Tropes: Milkshake theft; "my values"; giant fake belly; lake surfing; anchored together; stunt coordinator ... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Bestie Sasha or old Minnie ... Eat Your Heart Out: Gym shake; workout negroni; cheese fries, tendies, gym; Costco cheeseballs jar; butane-roasted cauliflower; contemporary pizza; chip smuggling, snack confiscation ... PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Decommissioned Summer Camp Belt (Episode 57) ... Overdetermined: Ex Liza's arrival; Jared's "work"; stunt-training; homecoming gown; "her rules" ... Crossover: Chris Hemsworth's paunch workout; Ben Affleck quitting Dunkin; Kate's Most Dangerous Game ... PART FIVE Hallmark Bechdel Test: Barely! ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rick; Jared; maybe everyone; Minnie ... Who's the Real Villain: Fat-shaming/bad science ... Rating: 3.5 ... A flow state of assumed chemistry ... Giant thumbs-down sticker ... Into sticker-shaming ... Snotty table turning ... PART SIX The Leftovers: 70% of the population has a dad-bod ... Good locations ... Minnie is a ghost ... IMDB Dive: Christie Will Wolf, W. Stuart, Reacher's brother ... Going to Hogwarts ... Race to Save the World at Midnight ... Avocado green ... Driftwood ... Bad cornhole ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "," by John Williams and the Boston Pops and "" by The HotRats. More from Casey: Twitter • Book • Newsletter • Instagram
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120 - A Floating Meatball of Barbarism
10/20/2022
120 - A Floating Meatball of Barbarism
JONATHAN KATZ and SAM ADLER-BELL sail into history aboard the USS Christmas (), but first: Let's go get hot chocolate! THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet Jon, Sam, Sam's grandma and Jon's mom! ... Happy story, death machine ... Cast Rundown ... Niven ... The Dual Expositional Challenge ... Was this fun? ... Can't think past the meatball ... Bald evangelism ... Cool planes ... Hanoi Hilton ... Ruin movies with college ... Not much USO ... Vietnam ... Break: "," by Cake PART TWO Journalismism: The Moore-Bacon wedding; less important work; firefighter baby; staffed paper; "Mr. Bailey"; Maddie ruins lives; public-records incompetence; FOIA; stealing documents; New Yorker-ass paper; headlines; Maddie's email; streaming entertainment ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: Captain Chet ... A real talk about trauma ... MILF hunter ... Marines plane, yuletide ship ... Nick Frost ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dinner rolls; bacon; shared milkshake; NYC bistro in Wilmington, NC; NYC Waffle House; mistletoe martini; abundant hot chocolate; sucky chestnuts; candy cane gnawing ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe ... Overdetermined: Wine toss; ditched rival; the Grinch; trauma swappin'; "Daddy's Girl"; scared of Christmas ... ! ... Crossover: Flight of the Intruder; USS Milius; Man in the High Castle; Captain Chet Red Octobers it; a U-571 Christmas ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grinch Billy, troubled reader; every character; Maddie's horny widow mom, who only likes one child ... Break: "Drop Da Bomb," by Party Posse PART FIVE Who's The Real Villain?: Disliking the military; facing reality; generational trauma; news' novelty bias ... Rating: 3 ... It's a Wonderful Boat! ... Jen Lilley gas face ... Niven didn't bring it ... Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART SIX The Leftovers: Aircraft carriers in NYC ... IMDB Dive ... Q-pilled Dorothy with clone Sam ... Joni Mitchell Appreciation Station ... Podcaster beefcake ... LBJ! ... Anna Chennault ... Robert Strange McNamara ... Smedley Butler ... Plugs! ... TYFYS ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "" by Berlin. Follow Sam on Twitter: Follow Jon on Twitter: Order Jon's book .
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119 - Play Dates with the Pun Patrol
10/05/2022
119 - Play Dates with the Pun Patrol
We started DATING THE DELANEYS (), but: Do you know how loud jai alai is? ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Wink! ... Wine Clown (taupe) ... Rom-rom, with jokes ... Jennifer Barrow Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast Rundown ... McNamara nostalgia ... Restorative justice for Brendan Zub ... Manderson Mode ... The Expositional Challenge ... A horn of a sort ... Plot Mop-Up: Michael, guiding PR practice; ex-husband rehab; horny grandma; arcade-bar; gone fishin' ... They seem like people! ... Paul Campbell Appreciation Station ... Charmingly corny flirty antagonism ... Punishing punsmithery ... Early forced laughter to natural fondness ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: Maybe Michael, maybe the horny mom, probably a goose egg ... Angelic parenting assistance ... Eat Your Heart Out: Salted caramel and cookies; Cafe New Orleans, eating crawfish, po-boy chunks; blind date basket of rolls; reasonable pizza with pepperoncini; pecan-pie cake; skyscraping bacon chocolate cake; Find My Salad Soulmate; namin' fish; America's most favorite cake; abandoned Heineken; Shake, Battle and Bowl; sauceless mozzarella sticks; rime-free milkshake ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Make It, Bake It, Cake It; QVC knockoff; Teryl Rothery; Episodes 9, 11, 12, 31, 50, 52, 55, 56, 59, 64, 74, 83, 84, 85, 86, and more; wine-clown concert road trip! ... Overdetermined: No true qualifier; too much friend hectoring; winking ... Crossover: Steve "Bones"; Quantum Bakery Apprentice ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All non-Michael, non-New Kid men; Steve! Steve! Steve!; David, the ex ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Who's the Real Villain: Self-performance dating-app industry ... Title/Sequel: Good title and "Delaney Due Date" vs. Thematic underuse and "Dating Dana Delaney" ... Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Met at pickleball ... Printing out articles ... IMDB Dive: Jennifer Barrow, King of the Hill veteran ... Zack, the turd, with a sign ... Old new kid ... Treat Williams ... "Your dad comin' today?" ... Second Life kitchen ... "World Baby" ... Dental plan ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "," by Philip Glass. Read Jeb's hot dog sandwich piece: . Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: .
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118 - Rabbit Forensics with the Yaaas Droids
08/29/2022
118 - Rabbit Forensics with the Yaaas Droids
Uproxx's VINCE MANCINI gave us a buzz to talk CUT, COLOR, MURDER (), but: Forensics can wait for the pageant ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE All things seamy, guest starring Sutton Niekro ... Sopranos vs. Hallmark podcasting ... Vince's Hallmark bona fides ... Gilmore Girls comp ... Muted romance, many speakers ... Lego/cigarette Canadian ... More Karpluk! ... Cast Rundown ... Jeb Flubs Name of Brendon Zub ... The Expositional Challenge ... Sublimely 311 ... Shear Delight: Gownless neck-hair trim; lumberjack sketch; hands off my instrument; listless blocking/acting ... The Bear, but for hair ... Hallmark-ass prestige restaurant ... Break: "" by The Blues Brothers PART TWO Chekhov Wept: No time for loose ends; Knives Out shade; disappearing mom horniness; disappearing setups; landlocked sailboat; Mitzi's break-in breakdown; "local"-status alibis ... New Yorker director ... Wrong-footed by Hallmark ... Murder twist ... Women laughing alone with tombstones ... Burn Notice ending ... Eat Your Heart Out: Stress eating fruit; flapjack group, toast group; Dominican BBQ; Todd Gurley for Burger King; open-mouth etiquette; ... Land of wigged brunettes ... Familiar Canadian ... Break: "," by The Cowsills PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Denver of the Soul; pageant town; Adrian Grenier interlude; a Sopranos Hallmark movie ... Overdetermined: Sterling pleading innocence and creepy invitation ... Homemade weed killer ... Crossover: Benoit Blanc accent; Carmy as Kyle; Bear guy hair; Hair Rescue; post-canceled James Franco twins interviewing El Chapo; Kundun! ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Salon crew yaass droids; Olivia, the murderer; Passions mom and cop-wife whining ... Dave's Anne Heche issues ... Who's the Real Villain?: Weatherman Darren; law-enforcement impunity; pageant objectification mania ... Beautiful klutz ... Title/Sequel: Lather, Rinse, Revenge; seamy split ends ... Rating: 3 ... Julie Gonzalo Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: IMDB dive; 1st Assistant Director; ahhh, Tibor; SFW; Bringing Down the House ... Our screenplay goes viral! ... Walt Becker, Van Wilder, Wild Hogs and Old Dogs ... Darren's remote hit just outside ... Precinct sweet tea urn ... Sloppy Ken, forensic snacker ... Quarter zips ... Shakespeare talent show ... Pharma ad direction ... Walking my rabbit ... Rabbit dad shirt ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "" by Pavement. Follow Vince on Twitter:
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117 - Law Dog’s Dog Law and Bear Claw Law Pod
08/18/2022
117 - Law Dog’s Dog Law and Bear Claw Law Pod
CHARLES STAR is remanded to WALKING THE DOG () and arguing public-use law via: Circuit court bingo (wait for applause) ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Free legal advice! ... Reporters who don't vote ... Best lawed plans ... Pet adoption kickbacks ... Blue-collar and moppet dogs ... Cast Rundown ... Unsolicited AARP discount ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dog fostering, condos and a nature preserve, mom's secret admirer ... Sporty-to-comfy Mom-Daughter Axis ... Christie's assistant and Peter Benson (Appreciation Station) ... The Ham Clip ... Break: "Stand by Your Ham" by PART TWO Legalismism, Crown v. Reality : America-based law; Circuit-on-Circuit action; EIGHT judges; Reddit law; statutorily frivolous lawsuit; suing democracy; "I threw the case!"; no easements; heart-encirclement; Damascene road accident; empty docket, lonely judge ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: The Dogs, Gidget, meets cute ... Bonfire ... Eat Your Heart Out: Mom's Luke's diner; bear claws; one nice restaurant; champagne; ham to salmon ... Bill, the best boyfriend ... Help ME leave YOU ... Secret admirer inevitability ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Patreoning ... Overdetermined: Dog parallel relationships; Chekhov's gazebo; nature preserve and developers ... Threatening due diligence ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Crossover: Add shark; dead husband returns; Stacy's Mom ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Delia law talk; the judge; mom and daughter ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone but Bill; just be the town attorney; newspaper editor; Laura, the Mouth of Seattle ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Who's the Real Villain: Change, capricious Nimby/Yimbyism; the Democratic Party ... Weepy closing argument ... Title/Sequel: Raising the Pups; abysmal title, Washing the Dog ... Rating: 3 ... Law dog's law talk ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: Veterinarian Ed Helms ... M.C. Escher-ass town ... Law Shoppe, Cabot Cove ... Dementedly joyful bored dog licks ... No dogs in court ... Dead husband Face/Off ... More Reddit law ... Keith's recovered memory ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! ... All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "" by Rufus Thomas. Follow Charles on Twitter:
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116 - Christmas Cocoa with Coach Cuckoo
07/01/2022
116 - Christmas Cocoa with Coach Cuckoo
ANDY LEVY comes out of retirement and needs A CHEERFUL CHRISTMAS with THE CHRISTMAS COACH (), all that plus: Highlights and analysis from Cousin Peter. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE The New Abnormal, an unserious podcast ... Pink Slime Concentrate Christmas ... Treacly AND bland ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Evading all tension ... Rent snowmaker, get eggnog ... Spot the Angel: A film without God; Colleen should've been dead; charity dad; Joyce, the Alfred ... Charity? Drink! ... The real Santa Claus is an aristocrat ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Eat Your Heart Out: Thermos of VX; open eggnog pushing; rock-crushing cookie foley; blueberry pancakes or RASPBERRY?; Haunting of Hill House gravel/rat plate; cabbage rolls; plain crackers, crackers with yellow; cartoon-red wine; punching whipped cream ... Resting "who tf is this face" ... Erica Deutschmann's surreally stoned choices ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christmas Train Appreciation Station; Patreon plug; Shoe Addict's Christmas nostalgia; Episodes 33, 44, 48, 58, 113 ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Overdetermined: What's the theme?; Christmas spirit soliloquies; everything or nothing; Christmas wish swap ... Get her dad! ... Breathe app ... Edward G. Robinson ... Crossover: Films in asylums; Joyce on Frasier; Christmas coaching Team Foxcatcher; Tyne Durden ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A big no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All characters but maybe James; Maryam; Lauren, verbal diarrhea, party in the house, and Christmas College ... Rebekah Mercer's Snow Polo for Noobs 2019 ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Who's the Real Villain: No; personal charity vs. group charity; still not a villain; Maryam's collapsing villainy; America's mental healthcare ... Not dunking on mental illness ... Title/Sequel: "Christmas Coach" is MUCH better; The Christmas Clubber; Colleen's functional alcoholic masterminding ... Rating: 1.5 ... Erica Deutschmann Exculpation Station ... These don't have to be bad but this was ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: Chad Connell in The Retreat ... IMDB Dive: Hearts of Spring ... Kymlicka on the Deutschmann account ... Too many kiss fakeouts ... Instant Bluetooth ... Shovel-handing collapse/fling ... Jeterian shortstoppage ... One hour, 30 pieces of cashmere ... Personification Hut ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "" by Ozzy Osbourne. Follow Andy on Twitter: Listen to The New Abnormal .
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115 - Hallmark Is the Dog Chained to Its Spontaneity
06/20/2022
115 - Hallmark Is the Dog Chained to Its Spontaneity
PAT BLANCHFIELD puts the death drive on autopilot to consider (with) us THE PERFECT PAIRING (), plus: It's no big deal, it's just amnesia! THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet Pat Blanchfield! ... CGI soufflé ... Concussed? Take two Sauternes and one nap ... Pat's Brechtian cockfight Hallmark prom night ... Nordstrom piano ... There's a harp ... It's exploitably efficacious! ... Scrambled entertainment ... Cocoa in my T-bird ... Am I responding to this properly? ... Small things with big eyes ... Break: "," by Pink Martini PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Deracinated! ... Plot Mop-Up: Undercover food blogger; it's just amnesia; ice wine gala ... A Homer Car plot ... Letters to Santa ... The Swagony of Defeat: Teutonic backstory, Hallmark wine club, Hollingbrook Vineyard ... Wack ice wine tradition ... 'An Ortolan Christmas' ... Wines That Rock ... Danica McKellar Air Fryer ... Hallmark Iberico ... Selling out to booze ... Journalismism: Blogger's half-mil' table; Apocalypse Now dossier; rec-room office; Sonic the Editor ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: Cherubic moppet; ex writing partner ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dialectical tension; recipes as fixation; anti-savory bias; having cake and Lacanian impossibility too; "Thanksgiving without turkey"; Swiss Miss; wine vat ... Limiting amnesia expertise ... Female race memory ... Reunited with norms via head trauma ... Bed tantrum ... "Dessert Enthusiast" ... We're doing tropes here! ... Self-aware breakup ... Break: "," performed by Amber Burdick PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hudson Valley to PNW; Hallmark adds a wine section; Murder, She Baked; wine competitions, upstate New York bogs ... Drew Bledsoe ... Overdetermined: CJ's stilettos; knock on head; happy accidents; mom's grapes; predetermined spontaneity; yanked by the scruff; triple ice wine! ... Overdetermined Eurostep ... Crossover: Intertext!; lousy with Proust; The Transporter chained to his vomit; Get Out-iverse peripheral family; Ghislaine; Ready or Not; America's Heads Got Trauma ... Break: "," by Anita Ward PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: "Get What You Give"; Falcon Beach; Kevin, Stonks guy; no second chance; Diane, the Roy ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 3.5, or "Dimple Coach, I have a high motor and feel guilty from head hugs" ... Who's the Real Villain?: CJ; rage-bait media incentives; Michael and the bloodsucking media; undiagnosed heart death ... Spontaneous beverage distributor joy ... Jeb needs work ... Title/Sequel: Name implies chemistry; near title-drop; mom-killing review; trad-wife transitioner; omitted amnesia; The Latest Vintage ... Rating: 3 ... Zero chemistry, offensive politics, artlessly done, enjoyable ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART SIX The Leftovers: IMDB Dive: Art Hindle, Nazneen Contractor, workmanlike; the Book of Saw ... Michael closes the convertible ... Flawless eyeliner ... Inappropriate casual footwear ... Steal your bag! ... Don McBrearty, Hot Wheels and "Gay or Straight: Is There a Choice?" ... Three-rows of vineyard ... Polka, Polka, Polka! ... Oompacore ... Art Hindle jacket game ... Lenmom's Tomb or bitcoin farm? ... Sassy Squids ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "" by New Radicals. Follow Pat on Twitter: Pre-order Pat's book . Take a class with Pat !
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114 - Four Weddings and a Sour Bro
05/20/2022
114 - Four Weddings and a Sour Bro
We're carbo-loading for a WEDDING EVERY WEEKEND () but we're breaking down on the: The Smelts-to-Dealts Pipeline … "I'm a sourdough guy" … THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE "Four Weddings and a [Car] Restoration" ... Pure, high-concept Hallmark ... Joel McHale + Weezer = Joel Campbell ... Recalling Episode 019 - The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Cast Rundown ... Sara Kate fan service ... Signed, Sealed, Delivered Appreciation Station ... Let Geoff Gustafson cook ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Change your businesses; classic quit ... Reverse horn ... Chekhov's rehearsal dinner ... Lost: Husband, storyteller ... Peak Hallmark Quit ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Spot the Angel: Greg and Ginny vs. It Takes a Village ... It's YOUR rehearsal dinner! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Procure some rosemary; cheers with giant buns; brunch welsher; hors d'oeuvres montage; pizza shooters, jalapeño poppers; wedding taco bar ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A convergence of all weddings; the fakest Portland yet; Navy SEAL training in the PNW ... Overdetermined: Let's mess with our friends and make the scene out of the joke describing it; do or do not, there is no try; tough material; Ryan Reynolds-esque distancing ... Crossover: The Godfather wedding; physical therapists fixing cars ... Medical tape product placement ... BS knee medicine ... The Mud Bowl ... Grinding Tape: QB1 lasers a pick-6; Daniel Jones; Mike Glennon Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Bechdel Test: The Summer of Brooke? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Norman Dorman Labor Bot; James, the Orthopedic Surgeon; Dr. Colin, a pineapple; time to find your ham ... Who's the Real Villain: It's not weddings ... Kiss 'Em All ... Title/Sequel: Minimum delivery; contempt title; "Next Weekend," It Follows; scrompin' every morning ... Rating: 2 ... "Perfect Day" sensory deprivation ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: IMDB Dive ... Wine Clown-Sour Bro Axis ... Did we watch it? ... Post-breakup with the softest people ever ... Too bad you can't do a retro-mod on your heart ... Misunderstanding the obnoxious hipster shithead ... Active bears in the area ... Mazel tov! ... I can't believe you have other friends! ... Merry Christmas Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "," by Radiohead. Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. .
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113 - Fart Butler, False Consciousness
03/13/2022
113 - Fart Butler, False Consciousness
The Daily Beast's ASAWIN SUEBSAENG joins us to observe BUTLERS IN LOVE () and ask: Did you hear when the butt went "Bwaammp"? THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Violating dibs ... A Desperate Housewives thing ... Go to bed, Ryan Murphy ... Did the nerds hear about this movie? Break: "Clue, Main Theme" by John Morris PART TWO Cast Rundown ... Only seven years older ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's spoilers! ... Plot Mop-Up: Shrek dad, bad-boy legacy butler ... Russian or Scotsman? ... 300 years of cousin-butlering ... Trump's CHUD butler ... It's not Florida's fault! ... Willoughby Status: Avuncular ... Emma has no non-butlering enthusiasms or identity ... Instantly ditching a lifelong dream ... Zero butler guests ... Swin's REAL butler reporting ... Seven-figure butler ... Butler Double-Dare ... Quit climax, hotel edition ... Hogwarts is real, butling is real, and my friend ... From Cordon Bleu to Chipotle ... Spizzwinks? interlude ... Tufts bants ... Break: "," by John Cena and Tha Trademarc (feat. Esoteric) PART THREE Spot the Angel: No ... The Lisa Void ... Yacht butler ... Kundun, I liked it! ... Trump's Boy Scouts yacht orgy ... Back to Spot the Angel: Willoughby's failed potential; butling via owning; butling via kung fu ... Please make Hogwarts for Butlers wack ... No ropes or zipliness ... Eat Your Heart Out: Audible fart; super hearing, for farts; learning how to rip it; Maxwell Caulfield or Stacey Farber?; could you clean this in post?; "Moondance" and Hallmark auteurism; Beef Wellington; 70's foods; wine pairing; eat like David Roth; not understanding grilled cheese; They Came Together, but literal; audible fart reprise; eggnog does not pair with everything; progressive nog pairing; chomping vine tomatoes; we need grad school knife errors; cookies; "Fiiiiive agéd cheeses!"; today we're all wines in the box; one poisoned wine bottle; a real Big Boy moment ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Recency bias; our feet in tissue boxes; butling in the manor house where every other Hallmark couple meets; You're Bacon Me Crazy (Episode 085); the Hallmark wealth pantheon in Episodes 005, 029, 057, 044, 048, 058 ... Overdetermined: Everything; bad-boy butler sticking it to dad; "I want to do what I want to do!" "Me too!"; the bizarre self-fulfillment; whiff of domestic menace; projecting the other love interest's "path" ... Crossover: Honeymoon White Lotus or Adam Sandler's Fart Vacation; plunked into Gosford Parkiverse; Butler X-Men academy; coaching Butler; Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Probably no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone; many early replicants; Henry's Russo-Scots Dad; Lisa Appreciation Station; stat-shouting butling student ... Explicitly anti-Italian podcast ... Who's the Real Villain: Emma, anti-feminist; very unfair to Emma; the concept of aristocracy; the caste/service system ... Will you help me write a business plan? ... Title/Sequel: Letdown, "Dawn of War: Butlers in Love"; not doing an incest thing; totally delivers; butlers, not in love, and in love but not butlers; "Caterers in Love"; Clerks-to-Party Down ... Rating: 3 ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART SIX The Leftovers: Lifetime vs. Hallmark beef ... Swin's Hallmark and Lifetime Movie Network taxonomy ... Lifetime Bolshevik ... Creator network crossover ... The opposite of Fox News is the LMN universe ... Defund the LMN police ... Mike Lindell, LMN enemy ... Jeb, My Pillow owner ... LMN and the Fox-to-Hallmark/threat-to-homestead continuum ... Malaise forever! ... IMDB Dive: Curious and Unusual Deaths ... Butler dojo ... Where are the alterations? ... Let the butling come to you ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "," by K.R.Y.T.I.C. Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. . Follow . Jeb's , and Jeb's
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112 - Sketchy Santa's Sliding Doors
02/01/2022
112 - Sketchy Santa's Sliding Doors
Writer/activist MAURA QUINT returns for A KISS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (), to learn: Wishmaster-ass Santa Claus ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE A singular Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Welcome to Nog Chat ... The Jewish BS starts early ... Whoopie Pies, Whippy Dip ... Is nog a prank? ... Christmas is a dare festival ... More nog ... Kefir interlude ... Nog shots ... Christmas at Cartwright's (episode 004) callback ... Break: "" by Grant Kirkhope PART TWO Cast Rundown ... Joyce Holt! ... Marilu Henner's eidetic memory ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; soccer camp; baking son ... Simply having wonderful bizarrotime! ... Max Christmas trees, max decorations ... Headboard decorations, kitchen lode, trip vases ... Quinquagenarian Christmas explosion ... Replacing extras with trees ... Meeting, re: Tree Issue ... Sliding Doors meets Boss Baby, but make it Christmas ... Is this a Reverse Scrooge? ... Hallmark Jimmy Stewart ... It's a Wonderful Life: too dark for Hallmark ... Sean Doyle gives property development a bad name ... When life's better without you ... A Lexus December to Remember commercial ... Hal-9000 coffee maker ... Break: "," by Eumir Deodato PART THREE Spot the Angel: It's sketchy train station Santa! ... He knows when you will die ... Santa's in your house ... Eat Your Heart Out: Baking squat cupcakes; dinner out with lettuce and jellied toast; crampers need bananas; tiered hot cocoa experience; gonna experiment with gingerbread; The Cupcakes Are for MY Football Team, Parts I and II; cinnamon tea or hot chocolate; celebrating our meatversary; where's my bottarga! where's my bottarga! ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: An infinite Hallmark Sliding Doors; Hallmark Sliders and Quantum Leap; Wallace Shawn's not walking through that door; Pittsburgh IS Chicago; the greater Chicagoverse; Episodes 001 and 027 ... Overdetermined: The whole movie; Nice Driver's Godlike advice; "you're the dragon"; Sean Doyle's Four Thieving Values; Wicked Witch villainy; "maybe he'll realize money isn't everything" ... Crossover: Santa Ringu; Lost Highway's mystery Santa; Hallmark Men, Into the Santaverse ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Girls sharing coolant ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; the richest guy is never evil; Gus, the advice driver; all the assistants; Rona the endlessly variable ... Great Moments in a Photograph of Jets Quarterback Zach Wilson Rating: 3 ... No loose balls on the Hallmark set ... Check, check, check ... Who's the Real Villain?: Ambition; the authoritarianism of work ... Title/Sequel: title delivers; A Kiss on Christmas; Teri Hatcher's search for freedom; A Nick of Time Kiss Before Boxing Day; Hallmark's Leverage Eleven ... Rating: 4 ... "It didn't make me mad" ... The necklace is a problem ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: Lot Cop ... "I forgot I'M rich!" ... What happened to the other happy family? ... Did he destroy Reality 2? ... Jeff Beesley Appreciation Station ... Nog Inquisition ... It's YOUR Ferrari ... Unintelligible Ferrari Truck ... "My son the Elder" ... De-aging to Odo levels ... Buy Ethan's terrible suit! ... SEVEN suits ... Vaguely Irish Santa ... Poinsettia pronunciation ... Adults playing adults is way more tolerable ... Teri was real and spectacular ... Unintended menace ... Your new friend Buffalo Bill ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of and , except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Give Love a Bad Name," by Bon Jovi. Follow Maura on Twitter: .
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