It's Christmastown
ANDY LEVY, MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR return for a latke contest and a little HANUKKAH ON RYE () but first... Everyone is being disrespectful to the story of Hanukkah. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Minyan introductions … Jewish menu check … Podcast Goy … Hallmark Hanukkah History … Jewishness at 11.5, for future museums … Instant Bubbe, chocolate syrup … "Hollywood" … Peter DeLuise, James Caan Rule … Pandering, mockery, Batman … Dissociation, grandparental Jewishness… PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: You've Got...
info_outlineIt's Christmastown
HOLLY ANDERSON brings us a piping hot basket of dogs to help us in GUIDING EMILY (), but… TEASER: We're at a loss … DMT and Togo … Live barking … THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Holly's forever home … Garth? … Hallmark knowledge (+200 Dodgeball) … Healthy for work: a millennial attack … Talking Dog theory … Eric McCormack, yellow lab … Surface dog, onscreen braille … Phone accessibility, unicornmoji … Timeless, America+… PART TWO Cast Rundown … Drew? … Dog interlude … The Expositional Challenge … Afraid of beeps …...
info_outlineIt's Christmastown
Why did we try to find LOVE IN GLACIER NATIONAL PARK ()? Because it is there. As is… TEASER: The horniest avalanche-safety film we've ever seen, trapped in the Beavis terrarium of the ancestral mind, with Steve. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Is the Angel Jason Giambi? … Avalanche safety tips … A feast of table-read first takes … Extreme Hallmark throwback … The title! … Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Samantha, dog trainer, mom's apprentice; Sonya, stupid sexy Flanders mode … Beavis-world vision … Not pregnant, adios!...
info_outlineIt's Christmastown
We're having a launch party for the stuffed Italian bread triptychs honoring SISTERHOOD, INC. (), but first... TEASER: Don't fiddle with the knobs, or it's Queens for ya. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Happy Employment Movie! … Greeting cards, Tech Nazis, Roko's Basilisk … Jim Rome Take: A Hannibal Lecter Group Text Experience … Sacramento … No Trump phlegm, no fizz… PART TWO Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: The, uh, entire romantic plot; board structure; 30 Billion Dowmericans; mature/good...
info_outlineIt's Christmastown
We’re spending all day in the car on our way to a stationary restaurant, and them’s the breaks with AN UNEXPECTED VALENTINE (), but first... TEASER: Our respect for the Boboli Corporation. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Foster Grant, CF Frost, Wells Fargo … Jim Caviezel and Scully … Bonus preview … Nick Bond Appreciation Station … “Fries” vs. “Pizza”... PART TWO We counted them down! … “Christmas” explains a lot … Can’t remember movies … Why do these people meet? … Cast Rundown … Soriano or Osuna? …...
info_outlineIt's Christmastown
It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (), but first... Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it. THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ... Cast Rundown and Expositional Challenge ... Larded with Hallmark-movie metacognition ... Recognition, not comedy ... New Year's movies ... Nice vision of Christmas ... David Lynch's last film ... PART TWO Spot the...
info_outlineIt's Christmastown
We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (), but first... A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aware ... The AI/Gattaca of Hallmark ... PART TWO Cast Rundown, Expositional Challenge and Plot Mop-Up: Bryan vs. traditional suits; Jessie and Christmas games ... No gazebo, no kiss ... Groening's a Karpluk ... Buckley...
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DC PIERSON hitches a ride on a taco truck to THE SANTA SUMMIT (), but... Is that the blowjob guy? THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet DC! ... Santacon: A cold version of St. Patrick's Day ... DC's Hallmark Wicker Man experience ... Southwestern pro-Christmas ... A 100-disc changer... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Ava's Ben crush; Liam and Mac, construction networking ... Parasocial cast relationships ... The Beesley Touch ... A movie made of extra bits... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Knowingly secular; Second Angel...
info_outlineIt's Christmastown
JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (), but... We've already got the furry erotica! THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works PART TWO Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mariah-Grinch Continuum ... Is the Grinch horny? Furry? ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Deal-stealing boyfriend; Team Christmas Week; French-Canadian players ... Just settle! Like the rest of us! ... Covid-fueled throwback ... The Thee/Thou Threshold ......
info_outlineIt's Christmastown
Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (), but first... Let's sing ... THEME: "," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir exercises ... Valid Wicker Man ... "A little 'Get Out'" ... PART TWO Spot the Angel: Susan and Pastor John ... Eat Your Heart Out: Oh my God dude; James Bond cocoa; pot-pie protocol; eggnog pancakes; off gluten;...
info_outlineCASEY JOHNSTON'S making us stretch before WARMING UP TO YOU (2021), but we're willing to reconsider if:
We want to buy that "Congrats on finding a floater" card ...
THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...
PART ONE
Toilet drop ... Meet Casey! ... Love your work, and I'm not heeding it ... Renamed movie ... Grew up in Hallmark stores ... Teen money ... Haunted by figurines ... Work at Hallmark ... Work at the Gap ... Gift wrap ... Year-round Christmas store ...
PART TWO
Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Wrecked toilet ... Daffy final third ... Real-ish growth ... More nuance, still confused ... Maximize Your Tropes: Milkshake theft; "my values"; giant fake belly; lake surfing; anchored together; stunt coordinator ...
PART THREE
Spot the Angel: Bestie Sasha or old Minnie ... Eat Your Heart Out: Gym shake; workout negroni; cheese fries, tendies, gym; Costco cheeseballs jar; butane-roasted cauliflower; contemporary pizza; chip smuggling, snack confiscation ...
PART FOUR
The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Decommissioned Summer Camp Belt (Episode 57) ... Overdetermined: Ex Liza's arrival; Jared's "work"; stunt-training; homecoming gown; "her rules" ... Crossover: Chris Hemsworth's paunch workout; Ben Affleck quitting Dunkin; Kate's Most Dangerous Game ...
PART FIVE
Hallmark Bechdel Test: Barely! ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rick; Jared; maybe everyone; Minnie ... Who's the Real Villain: Fat-shaming/bad science ... Rating: 3.5 ... A flow state of assumed chemistry ... Giant thumbs-down sticker ... Into sticker-shaming ... Snotty table turning ...
PART SIX
The Leftovers: 70% of the population has a dad-bod ... Good locations ... Minnie is a ghost ... IMDB Dive: Christie Will Wolf, W. Stuart, Reacher's brother ... Going to Hogwarts ... Race to Save the World at Midnight ... Avocado green ... Driftwood ... Bad cornhole ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!
All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Hooray for Hollywood," by John Williams and the Boston Pops and "Pump It Up (Instrumental)" by The HotRats.
More from Casey: