352: My son is demoralized! I married for money 25 years ago, now what? I love my partner, but I want some comparison

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

1:09 My son doesn’t work, spends all day in his room, and lacks interest or motivation

17:08 What causes motivation?

21:40 I married a man I don’t love 25 years ago

42:24 Very happy with my partner of 12 years, but want to experience someone else as a comparison

 

Question 1: I have a very difficult adult child. My 23yo easily got a college degree at 21yo in computer science with excellent grades. Despite the warnings and encouragement, he’s never worked a day. Otherwise a very bright kid, he spends all day in his room online, has no friends or social life. He did about 5 interviews that went horribly and decided he no longer wants to try. He’s been telling us he has no intention of working and does not care what happens. He’s been in therapy and on meds for the last year but it has not helped. We’ve tried to be supportive and firm, but nothing works or makes sense. I don’t see depression, just disinterest, lack of motivation and low confidence. If he needs the car (which is rare) he borrows his mothers. We tried cutting off the internet and access to the car and he spent a month locked in his room without talking to us and lost 20lbs. We don’t buy him anything. We pay for family health care as we are still working and he has a younger brother, but that wont be forever. We pay insurance for 3 cars. Our plan was to retire , sell the house and downsize to the beach in a few years. We still plan to do it, but apparently it will be with him. We worry about his mental state and healthcare. I don’t think any healthy person would chose this path. He has admitted he is losing at life and not very normal - he speaks with a scary level of clarity and self awareness about it. His life and options will be sad and very limited if he does not snap out of this. We worry. Many who have told us to kick him out have not been through this and often don’t even have kids. We never could have seen this coming and we don’t know what to do.

 

Question 2: I’m a 50 year old woman. About 25 years ago I married a man I didn’t and still don’t love only for financially security. I have a college degree but I never worked in my life, not even a summer job in high school or college. If I leave my husband whom I don’t love, I will have to get a job but how can I if I’m 50 years old and never worked. No one will hire me because others my age have 20+ years of experience. Should I just stay with my husband even though I don’t love him?

 

Question 3: I’ve been in a relationship for 12 years, and we’ve been living together for 2 years now. We’re both almost 30, not married, but really happy together— of course, with our ups and downs. We’re very close, but also independent; we make plans together as a couple, but also have our own plans with friends. The sex is good. We’ve never been with anyone else sexually, or even kissed anyone else, which shocks everyone. I’m really happy with him, and I know I want to continue my life with him, with him being the father of my future child. But sometimes, I feel like I’d like to have an experience with someone else— not with anyone specific, just to try it, to have a comparison, or to experience something different. At the same time, I know he wouldn’t want that, and it’s something he would never accept. So, if I were to do this, I’d have to keep it a secret, and I’m really afraid of that— if he finds out, or if it changes how I feel about him. I don’t know. What do you think?

 

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

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