441: David, Rhonda and Matt Answer Your Questions about Relationships, Dating, and Religion

Ask David

My friend won’t say thank you!

Dating Anxiety

Religion vs. Psychotherapy

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As is so often the case, the answers to these questions that appear in the show notes were email replies to the person before the show. To get the full discussion, make sure you listen to the actual podcast, as the answers often evolve in unexpected ways when the “experts” hash it out!

Today’s episode is chock full of personal stories (some racy), expert Five Secrets advice and demonstration,  philosophical / spiritual discussion, and secrets of successful (and racy) dating.

1. Brittany asks: What can I do say to a friend who does not say “thank you” when I pay for our meal or drive a long distance just to see them?

2. Jaydipe asks: How can I get over my anxiety around attractive women?

3. Ali asks: Can religious beliefs cause or intensify feelings of anxiety? (David will talk about the synergies between TEAM CBT and spirituality in all religions. He will also mention the potential antagonisms.)

 

1. Brittany asks: What can I do say to a friend who does not say “thank you” when I pay for our meal or drive a long distance just to see them.

Hello David and Rhonda,

I have a friend who typically does not say thank you to me when I pay for a meal out or drive us a long distance. I am someone who always says thank you even if the other person just bought us $10 worth of fast food or gave a short ride. I find myself feeling resentful towards my friend for not saying anything when I pay and drive us around all day. It makes me feel like they don’t appreciate it.

At the same time, talking about it and sharing my feelings would then feel like I’m asking them to say it, and then it would not feel authentic. I have said something about it in the past, and they were like I’m sorry, thank you. But it didn’t mean much at that point.

Is this one of those annoying traits I just learn to accept?

Thank you,

Brittany

David’s reply

Well, you could just use a gentle I Feel statement, which might be paradoxically stronger, but combined with Stroking. Like this, "Jennie, you know I think the world of you, and greatly enjoy our times together, but when I pay for lunch, or drive a distance to hang out with you, you rarely ever say "thank you," and then I feel hurt and unappreciated." Something like that combines Stroking with I Feel and might be effective. But I always rate myself on what I do, or say, and not so much on how the other person reacts.

You could, perhaps, also ask if they are upset with you about something that they’ve had trouble expressing to you.

Best, david

2. Jaydipe asks: How can I get over my anxiety around attractive women?

Hi David

Many thanks for the podcast

I’m struggling with social anxiety and talking to attractive women and I’ve watched all the podcasts relating to it.

I think deep down I have a shame around finding women attractive, so I find it difficult to express interest in them. I find that I can talk to them easily during activities like climbing or co workers, but even on dates with women I can’t seem to take things forwards playfully like you’d expect on a date. I’m too serious and I think that turns people off. I feel like I’m under the spotlight and I have to impress them otherwise they won’t like me. I know this isn’t true and I’ve been trying to get myself to do exposure therapy by asking girls for their numbers and being rejected so it helps with that.

Also, I struggle with societal expectations, I hear women say that they don’t want to be approached or talked to or anything so I just end up avoiding them because I don’t want to annoy them, but it holds me back from getting the sex and relationships I want

Any help much appreciated

Thanks, Jaydipe

David’s Reply

I have included your excellent question on an upcoming Ask David. In the meantime, have you read my book on dating, Intimate Connections?

Best, david

PS Should I use your first name, or a fake first name?

3. Ali asks: Can religious beliefs cause or intensify feelings of anxiety?

Dear Dr. Burns,

After reading your books, I’ve started to recognize that many of my anxious beliefs seem to have a religious background. For example, in the Bible, there’s a verse from John 5:14:

“Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, ‘See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.’”

Here’s where I struggle: I want to live my life freely, which includes things like being with different girls before marriage (something I already do). But according to religion, this is considered adultery and a sin. Another verse that weighs heavily on me is from Matthew 5:27-29:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

I often find myself looking at beautiful women on the street, which Christianity teaches is sinful, and this sometimes leads to feelings of guilt. I wonder: do I need to leave religion altogether to break free from these negative, self-critical thoughts?

I also have other related thoughts that seem to link my faith with the good things happening in my life. For instance:

My life is going well right now. My parents are alive, my brother is getting married, I’m healthy, and I’ve been fortunate in many ways.

I’ve had incredible experiences, like participating in two Erasmus+ exchange programs in Poland and Lithuania during university, volunteering in Latvia for a year, and even having my New Zealand visa approved in a highly competitive process (only 100 spots for 85 million people, and the application closed in 5 minutes!).

I often think that these blessings are because I believe in Jesus, follow the Bible, and try to live as a good person who avoids sin and doesn’t deceive others.

But then these anxious thoughts arise:

• I should always be thankful or pray, or else my life will fall apart.

• If I leave religion, something bad might happen—my parents could fall ill or pass away, and it would all feel like my fault for turning away from Jesus.

• Without faith, I’d lose my good fortune(luck), my appearance, and my opportunities.

• Wherever I apply to would be rejected, then I would understand that it was Jesus in the first place doing all of these things in my life, not me or vice versa!

• I'd find a terrible job, terrible working environment, terrible mutual relationships.

Then everything would be my fault and I'd tell myself I should have believed in him in the first place but now I deserve everything that happens to me!

These thoughts are overwhelming, and I’d love to hear your perspective on how to approach and challenge them. Thank you so much for your time and the invaluable insights you share in your work.

Warm regards,

Ali

David’s reply

Hi Ali,

Sorry you are struggling with so many restrictions, judgments, and inhibitions! I can imagine it triggers anxiety, guilt, inadequacy, resentment, discouragement, and more. You can let me know!

If you want, I can include this as an Ask David question on a podcast, with your first name, or a fake first name. Let me know if this works for you.

Also, what religion are you? I know that many religions around the world can be very fundamentalistic and super strict in their teachings. My own religious upbringing had a touch of rigidity, too.

Best, david

Ali’s response to David

Hello again,

Actually, my family comes from the Christian (Orthodox-Armenian) minority in Turkey, where I was born and raised. So, I am an Orthodox Christian.

You're absolutely right that I struggle with many restrictions and judgments. I’d love for you to include this as an "Ask David" question on a podcast since I haven’t seen any episode (and I’ve listened to most of your recent podcasts, including number 408: Do You Believe in God? Does God Exist?) that addresses this topic.

By the way, I already use an alias, so "Ali" is a fake name, but you’re welcome to use it in your podcast!

Here’s a quick DML (Daily Mood Log) to clarify what I’m dealing with:

The Upsetting Event:
Doing my daily half-hour Bible reading before bed and coming across certain verses.

Emotions:

• Sad: 60%

• Anxious/Worried: 70%

• Inadequate: 60%

• Guilty/Bad: 90%

• Abandoned: 70%

• Pessimistic/Discouraged: 80%

• Stuck: 75%

• Angry/Resentful: 75%

• Tricked/Duped: 80%

Although I don’t consider myself a devout Christian, over the past few years, I’ve started reading the Bible—the Old and New Testaments. Initially, I read them in my native language, but now I read in English to fully understand the content. Growing up in the church, I believed everything the priest taught. However, encountering some events and stories that seem illogical to me has made me question my beliefs.

I often feel tricked and wonder if I’ve truly believed in all this. At the same time, I feel anxious and worried, as if questioning or criticizing my religion is a betrayal of God.

Please let me know if you need any additional information.

Ali

David’s reply

Thanks, Ali, this is super.

I was also raised in a somewhat strict Christian (Lutheran) home, and as a child had plans to become a minister, like my dad. In college, I learned critical thinking, and began to question some of what I was taught when I was growing up.

For example, there seemed to be a bit of a bias against Jews, and my dad said they had to convert to Christianity to be  ”saved” and, I guess, avoid going to hell after they died. That didn’t sound right at all, not loving, as Christ taught, who was himself a Jew, but hostile and judgmental. And I had good friends who were Jewish, so it felt offensive. Same with people who were gay. A strong bias that this was somehow “bad” and sinful, or something like that.

Christianity, in the sense of the Catholic church, was really created by people a couple hundred years after Christ died, and they were reflecting their own human biases when they wrote the new testament and translated the old testaments. For better or worse, I am personally not afraid to disagree with much of what is in the Bible, and interpret it, not literally, but as a series of stories trying to communicate important spiritual truths, but these truths get quite distorted when people began focusing on literal truths, rather than “seeing” the message. Literal translations of religion risk missing the spiritual meaning and truth.

This is especially true of the orthodox movement within any religion. This tendency toward being literal, rigid, and judgmental may be a partially inherited, genetic trait. Regardless, to me, it is offensive and ugly, and definitely not religious, but quite the opposite.

In the early days, lots of religious cults emerged, and they all had their own special leaders. If your leader couldn’t walk on water, that guru was considered inferior. So, it was fashionable to say that your spiritual guru could “walk on water.” What does that really mean?

To me, it means that this person is pretty special, and much kinder and more loving than most others, and can perhaps convey some spiritual truths to us. But actual walking on water is a magic trick best left to television and stage magicians.

This is my thinking only, and I do not wish to impose my thinking and beliefs on you or on anybody!

I had tremendous respect and admiration for a Catholic nun, Sister Shela Flynn, who worked at my clinic in Philadelphia because she wanted to learn how to do CBT. She was humble and wonderful, and once shared with me that she also thought the stories in the bible were primarily metaphors, just stories trying to convey this or that idea about love, humility, and so forth. Not literally true stories you “had to” believe to be a “good Christian.”

An, in addition, using my philosophy and CBT training, there is really no such “thing” as a “good Christian.” Positive and negative labels can be useful but can also be hurtful and destructive.

Will stop babbling, and feel free to reject or ignore some or everything I am saying!

But on an emotional level, I feel hurt, and angry about the literal “rules-based” versions of religion. Because I see, all over the world, atrocities being committed to a massive degree in the name of this or that “religion.”

I am most comfortable with Buddhism, but even then, many people take it literally, make up rules, and so forth, just like other religions or spiritual “paths.” For some reason, people love to make up rules and then try to force others to conform to their beliefs and rules. This is due, in large part, to arrogance, and the desire to feel “special” and “superior” to others. These are not, to my way of thinking, spiritual qualities, but quite the opposite.

Finally, I do not mention religion in my therapy, which is 100% secular, and based on research and on scientific research on how people actually change. But at the moment of recovery, which often happens in a flash, rather suddenly, the patient often “sees” something of a spiritual nature which they had not seen or grasped before.

I have never seen anyone lose their religious beliefs because of effective therapy, but quite the opposite. In fact, what we might call “recovery from depression” (or some other problem) sometimes looks an awful lot like what the religious mystics from all religions have called “enlightenment.”

So, that’s the sermon my dad would have perhaps wanted me to preach from a pulpit! I guess this is my pulpit, and you are in my congregation! And this Sunday morning here in Los Altos, so that’s the end of today’s sermon!

Best, david

Contact information

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cbt-workshop.com