How to Improve Friendships

There are moments in life where we notice our friendships are just not as satisfying as we’d like them to be.  Maybe they’ve become sporadic, one-sided, boring, conflictual, or otherwise just not as deep, fun or consistent as we’d like.  If your friendships have become stale or less than desirable, there’s still hope!

FRIENDSHIP TUNE-UP:

Most friendships need a periodic tune-up, to function at their best.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that our friendship needs to end or be replaced.  It may be that infusing some new and positive energy into the friendship is necessary or addressing underlying resentments can help it to function better.

In order to determine what’s going on, first we need a diagnostic...we need to assess, so we can actually attend to problem areas instead of fixing things that are operating perfectly fine.  This give us a better chance of success instead of wasting our energy and getting frustrated when things don’t change. Maybe the brakes need replacing, like having better boundaries in relationships, and instead we rotate the tires but find ourselves still suffering from the same issue, needing to set limits, needing to put on the breaks sometimes.

 

Diagnostic/Assessment:

 

• How long has this been happening?
• Has it always been this way?
• Is this unique for this friendship or are YOU the common denominator?
• What do you like about the friendship?
• What’s missing?
• What needs to be addressed?

Common problem areas in friendships:

• Too often one-sided, not reciprocal
• Lack of quality time together, face-to-face
• Not enough consistent time spent together
• Too flaky (not following through more times than not)
• Other priorities  (romantic relationship, kids, new job, etc.)
• Geographic distance
• Disparate core values (i.e. one person has core value of being transparent/honest and extends that to sharing everything that’s told to them with most of their friends while the other person is more private/selective and values trustworthiness/loyalty so doesn’t want their friend to share things that say in private without their explicit consent)
• Boundary violation: like the above example
• Disparate needs:  (i.e. one person has a need for more contact while the other has need for more space OR each has a different relationship with time, one wanting to be on-time while the the other person wants more flexibility)
• Time spent feels draining, not enough enjoyment or positivity in relationship (research on couples says 5:1 ratio)
• May have begun out of convenience (met doing the same thing or geographic ease but as time passes realize not a great fit for continued friendship)
• Might not be enough vulnerability expressed so too little depth or a lack of authenticity = dry, stale or boring (various levels of vulnerability is fine)

 

Tune-up/Treatment:

 

Changing our behaviors, especially when we’ve been in a groove for awhile, is not always so easy, but hopefully caring about your friendship is at least somewhat motivating.  It might feel clunky at first or feel forced, because sometimes what’s asked of us is radically different, but over time and with practice, it can eventually feel easier or at least worth it.

• “State of the Union” Conversation
• • What’s up?
  • What going well and what needs changes?
  • Express gratitude
  • Give your friend benefit-of-the-doubt if it’s warranted and let them know how you’d like your friendship to improve
  • Assert needs by making direct clear actionable requests
• Recognize compromise is essential in all relationships
• • This means that each person gets their needs met some of the time but not ALL the time so that there’s enough balance and give/take.
  • Will naturally lead to some amount of discomfort but for the greater good.
  • Doesn’t have to be 50/50 every moment or even in every relationship.  We may give more in one and receive more in another.
• Specific Treatment:
• • Spend more quality time together
  • Spend more consistent time together
  • Use various means of communication but don’t become too reliant on just one or being indiscriminate (i.e. written text usually better for staying in touch, updating and scheduling but not always great for addressing conflict)
  • Assert/respect boundaries
  • Show up for important events/celebrations
  • Do EXTRAS (card, text, call, gift, postcard, videochat)
  • Schedule regular friend dates
  • Take a trip together
  • Be vulnerable/authentic
  • Express gratitude/positivity more of the time

 

Re-evaluation:

 

• After communicating more clearly with each other and hopefully taking a different or extra course of action, notice if/how things have changed.
• Any needed adjustments or reminders?
• After have done due-diligence, also get to consider if the friendship is worth as much time/energy or if need to pull back or even end it.
• We can’t be friends with everyone and only have so much time so being strategic with our time/energy is important.