282. Ask Great Questions

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Ask Great Questions:  Transcript

“They didn’t ask me a single question.  They know absolutely nothing about me.”  After having an older couple over for dinner recently, Pam and I talked about the evening.  This is how we summarized the evening.  Pam and I asked questions to get to know our guests while they talked on an on about themselves.  However, the couple showed little interest in asking about our lives or interests.  I wish I could say this was a rare occurrence.  Unfortunately, it happens all the time.  As a minister for a church, I’m in the people business.  I talk to people all the time.  When people ask me even simple questions like “how are you doing?” or “what’s going on in your life?”  I’m actually shocked because it so rarely happens.

In order to become a person who connects with and influences other people, you need to be able to get to know that person.  As the scripture says in Proverbs 20:5, “ The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.”  A multiplying Christian is one who builds good relationships with others.  He or she is a good communicator and listener.  The first step is asking good questions that draw the person out.  If you want a better marriage, a better position at work, closer relationships with your kids, better friendships, or the ability to guide others into a relationship with Jesus, it all starts with questions. 

I remember reading a Tony Robbins book thirty years ago when he wrote, “questions are the answer.”  He was the first person who pointed out how important good questions are.  He shared that whoever is asking questions is essentially in control or guiding the conversation.  We have an inborn reflex that causes us to find the answers to questions presented to us.  We can ask questions of ourselves or others and immediately we will start getting answers.  That was a nugget of insight that I’ve prized since I first discovered it.  Questions draw out of each one of us the deep waters within each one of us.  If you really want to get to know what makes a person tick, start asking questions.  Sooner or later, you will get to know that person well.

Questions show love.  I’m not the only person who is rarely asked questions.  When someone shows interest in me by asking questions, I interpret that a loving gesture.  I have a brother-in-law who consistently asks what is going on in my life.  He will ask me about my church, my family and my hobbies.  He is one of my favorite relatives for that very reason.  He shows love by his curiosity about my life. 

Questions surface ways to help.  You can’t help, guide or influence a person until you find out how to help.  The only way to know how to help is by asking questions.  What if you went to the doctor and she never asked you a question about how you are feeling or what symptoms you’ve been experiencing.  You probably would never go back to that doctor.  Why?  Because they can’t help you if they don’t ask you how you are doing and what is wrong.  If you are a disciple who desires to make more disciples, the same principle applies.  You have to ask a person about their life, background and struggles if you hope to guide them to spiritual health.

Questions crucify the self.  Questions force you to take a back seat and listen.  While a person answers your questions, your mind is feverishly working behind the scenes to come up with your own stories and comebacks that you are dying to share.  Listening quietly forces you to say no to your ego and pride and let the desire to shine or outshine people fade away.  Questions place the attention spotlight on the person you are talking to.  They take that spotlight away from you and leave you in the shadows.  That’s not a bad place to be.  In fact this ability to treat people like we are treated is an application of the second most important command in the Bible.  Jesus himself said in Mark 12:33 that “to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”  The fact that you can sense yourself dying to share a story or answer your own question while listening to another talk tells you that you are loving that person exactly as you would want to be treated.  When you put yourself on “the bench” and let someone else into the game is a practical way to crucify self.

Ask open-ended questions.  When talking to people ask them questions that enable them to open up about their lives.  Ask questions such as:

• How’d you become a Christian?
• Why did you do that?  Why do you say that?  Why did you go into that field of study or business?
• Who’s been the most influential person in your life?
• Where do you come from?  Where’d you go to school?
• How do you mean?  This is a good follow up question when you’d like more explanation.  Another way to dig deeper into a statement is to simply ask the last few words of what they said to you in a question form.  For example:
• Them:  “That’s when I finally got of the hospital.”
• You:  “Hospital?”
• Them:  “Yeah, I was on a bike, got hit by a truck and spent three months in a  hospital…”

Ask awkward questions.  If you want to help people, there will be times when you need to ask difficult questions.  You will need to ask about what is happening in their private lives, what issues they are struggling with and what is preventing them from growing spiritually, professionally or relationally.  Too often, fear keeps us from asking the questions that matter the most.  This needs to be done with extreme care, sensitivity and gentleness, but it needs to be done.  I recently had a teeth cleaning.  April, my dental hygienist, started using her wand to scrape away the tartar accumulated since my last visit.  As she jammed that pick into the gap between my gums and molars, I felt a shock wave that seemed to lift me out of the dentist’s chair. 

Recently, Pam and I were having dinner with a couple that we had met and invited to church.  They had been coming to church for months, but we hadn’t broached the subject of how they felt about their relationship with God or studying the gospel more deeply.  They were spiritual people who loved church and who are extremely successful in their personal and business lives.  I made a decision before our dinner that I was going to ask the awkward question.  After we talked and chatted for about forty-five minutes, I said, “Do you mind if I change the subject?”  They said, “No problem.”  I asked, “Would you be interested in studying the Bible with Pam and me?  If it’s okay with you, we could get together and look at some scriptures and make sure your spiritual foundation is solid.  You are an amazing couple, but I don’t want to make any assumptions about how you are doing spiritually.”  They were quiet for what seemed like a long time.  Finally, the husband said, “You know what, we’ve wanted to study the Bible for a long time, but we’ve always felt awkward asking for help.  We go to Bible discussions and never know how ask for help.  We’d love that!”  I was so fired up to hear their response and now the door is open for us to help them become strong Christians.  It all starts with forcing yourself to ask the awkward or meaningful questions.  These are questions that count.  It’s so easy to cruise along on the surface and never get deeper into people’s lives.  Ask the questions that matter.

If you aren’t used to asking questions that count, here are some ways that may help you get to a deeper level with people.  Use phrases that prepare people to shift gears into a deeper level of conversation.

·         Do you mind if I asked you a personal question?

·         Would you mind If I changed the subject?

·         Do you feel like you’re at a point in your life, where you are ready to make some changes?

Questions like these get people ready for a deeper discussion.  It enables them to opt out if they aren’t ready to “go there.” 

People love to talk about themselves and it’s very rare to find people whom they can talk about the issues, situations and challenges that are making the biggest difference in their lives.  When you ask good questions about people’s lives, they often will appreciate that you care enough to listen to them and what matters most to them.  Ask good questions.

Application

Next time you are in a social setting at work, school, church or with friends practice asking good questions.  Ask one more question than you are used to and see if you can’t take your relationship to a new level.