Nervous System Dysregulation and Partnership Breakthroughs

In this episode, we nerd out on all things nervous system! We share more about nervous system co-regulation and how actually dysregulating each other’s nervous systems was the key to experiencing a quantum leap of personal growth.

 

Links mentioned: 

 

Elisabeth’s previous podcast appearances on our show: 

 

Applied Neurology: https://interviewconnections.com/elisabeth/

Leadership and the Nervous System: https://interviewconnections.com/leadership-the-nervous-system/

 

Audio Transcript: 

 

Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): On this episode, we are going to be nurturing out on the nervous system and on some really deep work that dustin I have been doing together.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And then, with the help of Elizabeth Christoph who is our nervous system angel and the incredible breakthroughs that that work has really made available.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: yeah I have learned, I mean i'm embarrassed to say I really didn't know what the nervous system was until like a year or year and a half ago, I mean, I guess, I had heard the phrase, but I really didn't understand it.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: and Elizabeth has been on this podcast I think three times I interviewed her a couple of years ago, so definitely will link to these episodes in the show notes, so you can can listen she's been on marquees panels leadership and the nervous system panels.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And i've just learned so much about the nervous system and it's helps me like experience the biggest breakthroughs i've ever had.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): yeah, and the reason that elizabeth's work and she's legit she has been featured in forbes she's like we're clearly obsessed with her.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): We feature her every possible opportunity we both personally work with her, we have coaching clients work with her when they have something they need to process through their nervous system, like the level of.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Our trust in her and our love of her is like very, very high, because we don't take that lightly, who we work with and also who we send our clients to.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): So what I love about elizabeth's work is I think there's such a huge focus in the personal development space on these mindset emotional energetic up levels.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And I love them they're amazing like I love them i've had so many like mindset and your feelings and your emotional guidance system, all that stuff is so real and so important.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And also, I felt that I personally and i've observed other people kind of hit a ceiling on how far I could go with just mindset and emotion and energy.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And I really wasn't sure why until I learned more about the nervous system and the work that Elizabeth doing.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And realizing that my mind my energy my spirit was like leveling up like crazy, but no one had talked to my body about what we were doing and that resulted in.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Yes, migraines exhaustion fatigue, but also in me sort of like getting up to the ledge of doing this thing that I knew I should do in this leap of faith.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And backing off because the discomfort in my body was so intense.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): I felt like I couldn't handle it, whether that was like you know super tight in the chest like shaking hands shaking voice like it was just like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): It was like my body was like hell no and so i'm ready to show up powerfully and make this big move, and meanwhile i'm like shaking i'm like I have this week voice i'm like so tense, I can barely get the word out like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And i'm like this in it like this any would make me back off because i'd be kind of honestly embarrassed because my body is not cooperating and I feel so powerful, I want to show up powerfully.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And then i'm showing up with so much fear in my body and people can feel that and I can feel that and it started messing with my mindset.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Because I would like go for these up levels, then I would have these reactions his old fear and stuff in my body, and I would back off because I would be like oh God it's too much Oh, it was like there was a fear.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Of the fear like feeling the discomfort in my body from the fear was so uncomfortable that I would back off and i'd be like okay I won't do it then.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And then I would be getting mad at myself for playing small.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): But the threat response that my body was going through, it was like you're gonna die you're going to die is like you're not gonna die from going on Facebook live, but if your body is sure that you will.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): It will feel really, really scary and your brains job as Elizabeth says, all the time, is to keep you safe so.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): This has been such a profound thing for me because.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): it's really allowed me to quantum leap because i've already done all this work i've like I mean i've processed, a lot of trauma i've done a lot of energetic work i've done so much mindset so much emotional guidance system stuff.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): It was the body was really the last piece, for me, and by now learning how to work with my nervous system and get the nervous system on board and take that time.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): To be like hey here's what we're doing it's going to be safe and like doing the neuro drills and the tapping.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): It the power and the grounding that I now have is absolutely incredible and I say that as someone who has a tendency to dissociate.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And when you dissociate you're not in your body and so getting in my body is a focus for me.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): it's it's always something that I have to be really mindful of and i'm like up in the head i'm like flying like let's do this.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Typical air sign if you're into astrology and my my Achilles heel is always grounding a lack of grounding and feeling safe in my body feeling safe grounding into my body.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): has made me so much more powerful as a leader as a mammal You know, as you know, we are, we are like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): alpha apex predators as humans like and there's something when you bring that full power, not in an aggressive way in your body to all the other work you've done mentally it's fucking crazy are we allowed to swear on the spot.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: Now well well we'll have the explicit sign, but I feel like that's very fitting for a show with you, because we always put the little explicit emoji react in slack so.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): yeah i'm a big.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): fan of being explicit I always say I want to tell you explicitly what I want.

 

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there's no miscommunication.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: yeah I love, all of this, and you know.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: MARQuIS came to me recently and I alluded to this and I didn't lead to it, I said it in the last episode, but I want to dive more into this, I mean, are you why don't you share that side of story because yeah I want you to share.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Okay, so something was happening, where I was getting dis regulated, when I was talking to us.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And there, there are something we talked about last episode we'll talk about it this episode like mirroring and funding and stuff like that which is a trauma response.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): where you want someone to like you, or you want to connect with someone, but to do that, you try to be what you think they want or to mirror what they're doing.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): which can backfire right, because if people feel like you're being in authentic and you're kind of stepping on their toes and you're doing what they're doing but it doesn't feel like it's really authentic.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): It can dis regulate them right and they start to get like they don't know why but they're just getting this feeling around you have like I don't know like I don't know if I like this.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And I was starting to get that feeling and especially stepping into the personal brand I was getting it more, because just was getting more regulated, understandably, I was also kind of just regulated, because it was scary to step out into this content.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And I really wasn't working with my nervous system, yet at that point so i'm already I would say delicate nervous system, wise in this new situation and then justice dysregulation was like we were just.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: It was a thing out of 10.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And yeah and I, like the reason people, people are like, why do you have such a successful partnership and like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): We are able to talk to each other about stuff that like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): You you would never talk to someone about like because I started and I started to think about susie so susie if you've heard past episodes i'll let just do the whole story, but she was like a friend in middle school and there was this.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Experience with her were in typical middle school girl on evolved fashion.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): You know pulled this kind of power move, where she stopped talking to just she brought the friend group with her to super traumatizing.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And, in some ways and justin I have talked about this, there are some parallels between me and susie.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Just like energy wise and like so it was really interesting because, as this, I was already a little wonky with my regulation because i'm stepping into this new level.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Just seems just regulated, I can tell that there's more like finding and mirroring which is making me feel smothered which is making me feel this regulated.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And I started thinking about susie and we had done coaching we've worked with great coaches and you know both jess and I are quite familiar with each other, like middle school drama and we talked about it all the time with our coaches.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And I was like you know what I wonder if this happened with susie.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): I wonder if susie was getting this regulated and, of course, a middle school girl is not going to be evolved enough to say.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): You know what I think you're just regulating my nervous system, can we talk through the trauma that we might be playing out together so that we can have a more aligned dynamic now middle school girls are bitches she was like by.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And like and she used her influence to create you know, the new situation that she wanted, which is what people do, especially in middle school.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): So it was really interesting though, because I realized, we had talked a lot with coaches about.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): The susie situation, but it was always the aftermath right, it was always like okay you've been abandoned and now there's this abandonment wound.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): How do we, you know build your self worth up, which is like fine but, honestly it's kind of superficial right, because if you don't get to the root of something.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): You can layer affirmations all day long it's not gonna work it's not going to work at the level of your nervous system, and you can say I feel so much better, but people can tell that you don't so.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And that's not just just like i've done that too we've all done that, and then like i'm doing great and it's like maybe, so I realized we've never gone before the susie incident right before it right so we've always just said yeah like susie's a jerk middle school girls are.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: traumatized and if susie if you happen to be listening I forgive you and I love you very much.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): We understand what happened with your nervous system, we get it we're on the level with you.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): and honestly, as far as middle school girls got like truly no judgment.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): it's a savage time so yeah, but it was really I was like we've never gone we've never asked the question why did susie leave.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Because it's always been I think people are afraid to ask questions like that, personally, and one of the things I like to do coaching people.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Is ask those questions that other people are afraid to ask because it's it's hard to tell someone who's like Oh, I had this.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): You know, someone abandoned me it was so traumatizing it's pretty in your face to say like, why do you think they left you right like because it's not just there a terrible person.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Everybody as Elizabeth would say is acting on the level of their nervous system, everybody is doing the best that they can.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And so, are there, people without empathy yes, there are, but the majority of people, they don't do things for no reason right, it might be their own reasons, it might be their own trauma and have nothing to do with you.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): But, as I was getting this feeling I was like I wonder if there's something here that we should dig into about what drove susie away.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): and not in a blame way, and this is what I said to just it's very easy to go from a victim of like this person abandoned me because they're an asshole.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): To self blaming have they abandoned me because i'm unlovable and i'm terrible.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Those are basically the same thing those feel like two different things that are two sides of the same coin So how do we take responsibility in a way that's like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): What caused this result is there a way that I contributed to this and what did that look like, because we know it's not the answer is never going to be your own lovable like spoiler alert.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): If that's what you're getting you're very lovable.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): it's never that you're a bad person it's never that you're fundamentally unlovable you'll never be enough, I know you have those thoughts I know they feel real.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): it's never going to be that, so if we can rule that out, and we can rule out that that person is just a monster, then we can come into this middle space of.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): What might have happened here what energy did I bring into this situation that somebody else didn't want to be around, and I think it's so incredible.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): The way we manifest the people in our lives, that we need to learn these lessons and to get to the next level and, like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): I was joking, with just but it's kind of true she's manifested me who is like this evolved susie right like I was probably more of a Suzy maybe even meaner and middle school because I had a lot of problems.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): But i've done the therapy, I have processed my trauma I have done the personal growth work so whereas susie as a middle school girl, the level of her you know evolution all she could do was be like by like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): An abandoned you, I am an adult who's done a lot of work, so it was so incredible that it's like you've manifested this version of susie who's evolved enough to not just be like by i'm going to abandon you but to really be like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): what's going on here because I am feeling dis regulated by like the funding and the mirroring and I want to like dive into it.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: I love it you're like all that just told us, the story, and then you know so.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): I OK.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: I know I like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): I was like i'll just defer to just but then I was like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): I kind of want to keep my narrative on track.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: Now I.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): would love to go to your version of this susie story, though, because they think.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And i'm.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): sorry that I did that, and I would love to be able to honestly tell our listeners that I don't usually do stuff like that, but I can't lie to you guys.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: No, no, no, it was it was absolutely perfect okay so let's talk a little bit about manifesting people into your life because.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: Again, people ask me all the time, how did you know Marty was the right partner, and I said I don't know I just know.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And God the universe was like girl, you need to get complete with your past trauma of feeling abandoned feeling disconnected feeling like the female leader of the pack doesn't want you around like that's all of my ship.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And so, really, for the past I mean we've been in each other's lives for like five six years now, as as business partners.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And, and there are there was like these moments of feeling just regulated and feeling disconnected or abandoned and i'm just like.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: Ah, you know it was like Why do I feel less than Why do I feel just regulated and when MARQuIS came to me and was like it was a Monday morning at 930.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: On Monday morning at 930 guys MARQuIS does not do zoom calls before 10 like if she can help it and she was like hey girl, can you hop on zoom and I was like sure like whatever and she gets on and she's like get ready for a break thrill and I was like.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And I was like sick i'm always down for breakthrough morgan's always serving one up on a platter like, here we go and she then tells me how.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: This regularly that she feels around me and I was like.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: Okay feeling very humbled and up moment um and so she starts talking to me about the susie thing because, like really the recent break there was like Oh, I have an abandonment pop up I like i've shared it on this podcast before.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And, and she was like I want you to go deeper and so literally it was like 48 plus hours of me going to the depths of my deepest insecurities and like.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: dramas, and I was really fucking pissed that Murray, he was putting me on this journey, because I was like really that Monday morning was.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: Perfect until you sold me on zoom and was like i'm gonna send you on there's like she buckled me into a roller coaster and then I went like straight down to the bottom, and I was there for a couple.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): yeah yeah I do that, like there will be aggressive breakthroughs during times.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Where it's like everything's going great and i'm like okay.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): let's face this this thing you've been avoiding for so long.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: yeah.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: But it was so great, because.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: The feeling dis regulated around each other, like really had never been spoken um.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And so, getting like really facing that head on, was so helpful and there's been like so many like breakthroughs, and like getting into alignment like if you're clicking a puzzle together and just be like every few days we've just like click click click click click click.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: So it's been it's been really, really great and.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: So you know, had this big breakthrough like i'd be like okay well, maybe this happened she's like before susie, it has to be before sixth grade what happened before, and I was like.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: revealing to her like some really embarrassing things that she's like it's not that and i'm like my God, are you serious like I have to keep.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): i'm like the least judgmental person ever like you can't.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): No one can shock me you could tell me anything and i'd be like okay like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): yeah you know it, I know it's embarrassing to you and honestly wasn't that.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: Bad yeah I know I can tell you anything like I like if I make an off color joke like I know she's never gonna like get upset or judge before it so um.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: yeah so anyway.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: Like we got to the breakthrough we got to the the deepest darkest root of this problem here, and then she sent me to work with Elizabeth she's like now, you need to like here because, like trauma lives in the body and Elizabeth says this all the time.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: trauma really is not in the cognitive mind like I never really could have like completely healed that without doing.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: This nervous system work so Elizabeth worked with me on you know eft tapping and.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: gave me these really important exercises he's applied neurology exercises to call my nervous system, so now several times a day if i'm feeling like in a heightened state of threat.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: I have like an exercise that I can do that immediately comes my nervous system.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And I also have these really great affirmations that I do when i'm doing those neuro drills which are really great and one of them is myself express myself wait.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: By self expression protects me, which is amazing because being self expressed and like being fully myself.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: I previously would feel really scared that that would be the reason somebody would leave me.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: So when I am self expressed by nervous system is like this is a little scary, so I do these applied neuro drills, and I say like i'm safe Being myself my self expression protects me so when i'm putting myself out there.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: I can remind my nervous system like this is safe, and this is actually like a good thing.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): yeah and I think for anyone listening, even if you can't relate to this exactly like we all have this.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): We all have situations where we get dis regulated or dynamics, where we get dis regulated and if we're willing to really face that and look at what's going on.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): there's so much of your power available to you that you can take back and like when we went jess and I look back, we found a few situations of these, and it was always with these.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): super dominant alpha females, and it was so it's not with everybody it's like this certain type of person the certain type of energy.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): will bring something out of you, that is unprocessed trauma that's either a farming or maybe you're fighting and its aggressive very like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): is so and we all have those things, and when you can look back on those patterns of like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): This certain type of person who I always end up friends with or I always end up dating and it plays out the same way if you're willing to look at that and look at why.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): like what happened before this what am I trying to get out of these situations, what is the energy this old energy that i'm bringing to these situations, and I think a lot of the time.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): It has to do with wanting something from people like wanting something that's old like old validation old connections something like that.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And I think that's what dis regulates people, because if they can feel that you're either being an authentic or that you want or need something from them, it can it can dis regulate them.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: And I barely just recording this episode at all like clicked into place in in your episode with alicia on we get it your dad died you guys went down this whole personal responsibility rabbit hole and that's that's it like.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: me taking personal responsibility.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: For the abandonment of like strong female friendships that i've had because, like susie wasn't the only one i've had other.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: best friends that are women that totally left me and i'm like what happened there and it was always they abandoned me until the breakthrough came and taking personal responsibility, not being a victim, up until now, I had always been a victim.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: In those relationships so go listen to marty's episode with alicia on we got it your dad died argue with a hard g.com slash alicia is where you can find it.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: But that, like all just clicked into place for me, because it was really like confronting at first you're like what did you do and I was like bitch I didn't do anything.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): yeah and it is tough and I love that episode with alicia because personal responsibility had been like my secret weapon and I never told anybody because it's very awkward.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): To like you don't want to seem like a victim blame or you don't want to you don't want someone to say oh my gosh this person mistreated me or abandoned me and you don't want to be like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Well, what did you do like what energy, did you bring to that situation, especially if it's something that's happened multiple times to you like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): what's up you know, like what what part of you is co creating that with them and yeah I love it, it is personal responsibility and as a coach and as a mentor, the best thing that we can do for the people that we're working with is be brave about.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): shining a light on areas for personal responsibility, even though it might dis regulate our nervous system right because people might get really mad at us, but it is.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): The only way to access your power and the only way that therapy nervous system work personal growth affirmations.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): None of that stuff works until you first take the radical personal responsibility step and once you take radical personal responsibility over your results over the things that have happened.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Again, not self blame it's not i'm a bad person it's not I deserve this it's not i'm unlovable that's never going to be right that's always going to be a distraction.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): But once you take true personal responsibility of Why am I, continuing to see this pattern show up in my life.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Then you actually are able to heal the therapy works, the nervous system stuff works personal growth will actually work and hit deeper if you don't take that step.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And you can see all around you and on the Internet, people who are doing the work quote unquote they're doing the personal development they're doing the therapy and it's not working right like you're just like.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): that's not it like I don't think they've got it, they have not taken that step and it's palpable the changes that they're making are superficial their patches but, once you take personal responsibility that's when there's a true transformation.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: yeah so we hope that you, like us, pulling back the curtain and revealing so much to you.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: If you want to connect with us online, of course, interview connections COM going to get booked up podcast that's where you can find us.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: follow us on tick tock to I am taken over the tech talks and getting us out there, so interview connections at hey Maggie go follow at hey MARQuIS for amazing brilliant life changing 62nd videos.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): yeah and and since we've gotten really deep into this coaching.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And, as I mentioned in the coaching when we work with people I also bring in all the best to work with them to process through their body what we work on with their mind and energy.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Since this is very focused on coaching if this type of coaching and mentorship that we're talking about in these types of breakthroughs are something that you know.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): you're ready for if there's a part of you that's ready to stop avoiding it and knows it's time and it's time to get this stuff complete and have this breakthrough to get to your next level reach out to me marya interview connections COM, you can email me directly.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): And we can talk about working together.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): it's not cheap.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): But if you're ready to invest and you really want these breakthroughs I would be happy to talk to you.

 

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Jessica Rhodes: Alright, thanks all.

 

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Margy Feldhuhn (she/her): Thank you.