The Fantasy Bond with Dr Lisa Firestone - Ep. 19

If you’re a regular listener to this podcast you will know that your lanky, Canadian host is a big fan of two things… 1 - therapy, self help. Not as a crutch but as one of many valuable tools available to help navigate life’s often murky waters. And 2 - books. I’ve had some big authors on the show including James Frey and Jon Ronson and there’s more on the way. Now combine those two things with a subject matter whose organizing principal illuminates a part of the human experience so succinctly, so profoundly, and yet still manages to make it palatable to you and me - and I am in.  There have been a few along the way - A New Earth, The Four Agreements, A Course in Miracles. Though these tomes have had a profound effect on the quality of my life, it wasn’t until recently I came across a book that not only captured the microscopic specifics of my family dynamics, but articulated it in a way that elevated my understanding of my parents, the choices they made in raising me, and the  subsequent, adverse affects it has had on my adult life. 

It’s called the Fantasy Bond - a book written by psychologist Dr Robert Firestone back in the 80’s. It aims a laser focus on an all too common, and highly destructive dynamic between mothers and their children that is so subtle, so subterranean that it often goes undetected even when its negative effects sabotage the happiness and functionality of those children well into their adult lives. I won’t go into any more detail than that, suffice it to say you really should just listen to the conversation I had with his daughter - Dr Lisa Firestone - who carries on her now-retired father’s work. You should listen, because this might just be your story too - the missing key to why life isn’t going the way you had hoped. That despite your best efforts, you still feel empty, detached, angry, unable to have fulfilling relationships and careers - but can’t figure out why. 

The Fantasy Bond and its effects are precisely what happened to me and I suspect what happened to my parents.  Like most mums and dads, they did the best they could but without the benefit of great therapy and a book like this, were doomed to repeat their past. If you had asked me 3 or 4 years ago if the principals of the Fantasy Bond applied to my upbringing, I would have spewed a resounding no right in your face. Because what this book asks you to do is to let go of almost everything you thought you knew and felt about the very people who were tasked with loving and raising you. That can be shocking, and hard to digest at first. I happened to discover it at a time when I had already come through the other side of a period of intense, similar work with my therapist Karen.  So it felt immediately familiar. It was therapeutic icing on the cake, further illuminating my experiences while providing some new tools for the never ending road ahead. Regardless of where in their journey one picks up the book, it is a mesmerizing, enlightening and life changing read. 

I am excited for those who will recognize themselves for the first time after reading the book.. I love sharing the things that have helped me - my roadmaps - for success and joy and peace. Enjoy my conversation with the amazing Dr Lisa Firestone.  This episode is dedicated to Marc Maron who turned me on to the book. I thank him for talking openly and candidly about his own experiences with The Fantasy Bond on his brilliant podcast WTF. This one’s for you, you grumpy genius you…  

This episode is sponsored by The Podcasters' Studio.

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