Meghan Daum - Selfish, Shallow and Self-absorbed - Ep. 21

To have kids or not to have kids. Now THAT is the real question. And its one that has plagued many women for decades, particularly in the modern age where we are constantly being told “we can have it all”. Some of us who bought in - myself included - are trying to cram an awful lot of stuff in before popping out a kid or two, if we pop one out at all. There’s big careers to build, and traveling the world, not to mention enjoying our hard earned money and the freedoms that affords us. We’re endlessly self-reflecting and knuckle deep in analysis, seeking deeper meaning and newly forged paths much different from those of our mothers. We’re prioritizing friendships over men while still enjoying the occasional dalliance and love affair - we’re holding out for a hero - as long as it doesn’t interfere with our professional and spiritual trajectories. It’s not that men aren’t relevant anymore; they absolutely are. It’s just that they’re being forced to share our attention with new and shiny things. Which means more traditional stuff like marriage and/or kids are falling by the wayside. Or at least being greatly delayed. We have choices now. And some of us - myself included - are determined to wield that new found power. 

Now that’s not to say motherhood is a thing of the past. Statistically speaking most women are still opting to have babies. But there is a growing number of those who aren’t. And their decisions to forgo procreation are as vast and varied as snowflakes. It is a complex, and highly personal decision, one that every women must consciously make at some point during her baby making years.  No matter what side of the equation she ultimately falls on, one thing is almost certainly guaranteed; the other team will be judging her. 

What’s interesting to me is that those who opt not to have children are constantly being asked about their decision.  And yet parents are never asked about theirs because well.…  that’s just what you do. In my opinion prospective mums and dads should be drilled harder than the Spanish Inquisition. After all, the life of a small human is in their very hands. And yet its the childless who are put through the ringer, vilified and relegated to the ranks of hedonistic, narcissists - social pariahs who would rather spend their free time and money on lavish holidays and designer handbags, when not sleeping in until noon on weekends.  That’s not most people I know and even if it was…. So what? Why is that not ok? Why is that any less noble than raising a family? Because isn’t being true to who we are the name of the game? Authenticity the right and honorable moral compass? I certainly think so.  And following that is all that should ultimately matter. 

To be fair, I have done my share of judging too. For many years I looked down on those who gave up careers to have children, silently accusing them of “giving up”. I thought they were weak and boring, and letting down the cause. I was wrong.  And that,  dear listeners, is precisely why I wanted to do this episode. Because we women must stop judging other women for making choices different to our own. Enough is enough. It’s counter productive to our gender on the whole, not to mention toxic and well…. shitty. What a world this would be if we all supported each other, made room for a wide array of perspectives and experiences and simply shared what we’ve learned as a means to help others along their path. This is how we change the world. This is how we evolve. Instead we make false enemies of anyone who charters a contrasting course. 014

Which brings me to this week’s guest - author, essayist and LA Times Opinion columnist Meghan Daum.  Her curated anthology of essays called Selfish, Shallow and Self-Absorbed;16 Writers on the decision not to have kids -  offers thoughtful, intelligent and often surprising insights into why these 13 women and 3 men decided not to take the parental plunge. And their reasons are as vast and varied as their zip codes. 

To be clear Daum’s book is not trying to convince anyone that parenthood is a bad thing or that people should stop doing it. Like most of the contributors of the book, she adores children. In fact she has volunteered with at risk youth for many years. By the way this is a shared pet peeve; that we feel we ave to constantly prove how much we love kids in the absence of having our own. Selfish, Shallow and Self Absorbed is simply the other side of the story, the road less traveled. The one you probably haven’t REALLY heard in any kind of meaningful way. 019

In addition to minimizing judgement and scorn, I also hope the book - and episode - will serve as a process of self-discovery for readers in the same way it’s been for some of the authors.  According to Daum, many of them found the experience of writing their essays highly therapeutic, a process that enabled them to consciously work out their reasons for remaining child-free. It’s this sort of catharsis I found particularly riveting.  It certainly helped me highlight and identify some of the factors leading to my own ambivalence.  

Look - No matter what side of the equation you find yourself, or if you’re floating somewhere in the middle like yours truly, I just hope you’ll leave my tremendously stimulating conversation with Meghan Daum a little more…. open minded and informed. We’re not on different teams - you with the kids over there, us selfish spinsters over here. We’re all just trying to lead a life that makes sense to US.

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