Finding Lasting Joy: Relationships 023

Welcome to episode 23 of “Your Encore Life”.  In this episode we are continuing our series on finding joy. The main source I have been using for this series is the book “The Joy Model” by Jeff Spadafora.  In episode 17 we talked about what the joy model is, which is based on “Being” and “Doing” on horizontal and vertical axis’s. Beginning with episode 18 we began talking about what Spadafora has landed on as a process for integrating “being” and “doing” in a healthy way that that leads to lasting joy, which has 6 components that make up the acronym “MASTER”.  So far we have discussed Margin in episode 18, Abide in episode 19, Self-Awareness in episode 20, Treasure in episode 21, and Engagement in episode 22. I encourage you to go back and listen to the previous episodes in this series if you haven’t already, but they stand alone well so you don’t need to do that prior to listening to this episode. This week we will be talking about the last component in the acronym MASTER, which is about Relationships. I would say that one of the most important components of joy has been saved for last.

In a blog post by John Maxwell titled “Five Steps for Connecting with Others, John says “Connection is a critical part of leadership, because you can’t lead if no one will follow. You have to connect with others in order to be a leader.

With that in mind, I want to share the following five steps for connecting with anyone. It can be a someone new, someone familiar, or someone you’re attempting to re-connect with after time. No matter who the other person is, if you’ll follow these five steps, you’ll be certain to create a genuine connection with them.

Step One: Set aside your agenda—if you want to connect with other people, you must make their agenda your priority in that moment. Genuine connection isn’t about making sure people understand you; it’s about making sure you understand other people. Clear your mind of your own worries, fears, ambitions, and plans, in order to focus on what the other person has to say.

Step Two: Ask curious questions—this goes hand in hand with my first point, because the practical step for getting out of your own head is to ask questions that help you get into the head of someone else. Curious questions have a layering effect; they build on one another and help drive the conversation to new and interesting places. Curious questions also help the other person know you’re engaged with them and want to keep the connection going.

Step Three: Lean into the conversation—this is the mid-point of connection, and it’s where self-discipline is most important. Leaning into a conversation is NOT the same as taking over a conversation. Leaning in does not mean shifting the rest of the conversation to you and your interests. Leaning in means increasing your curiosity and adding in thoughts that spur the connection deeper. It’s renewing your interest in your connection with the other person.

Step Four: Make a memorable moment— memorable moments don’t need to be manufactured, but they do need to be sought. A connection becomes memorable when both parties walk away with something positive to hold onto. Making a memorable moment doesn’t require a lot, but it does require authenticity on your part. You can make a memorable moment by zeroing in on a significant lesson you learned, or a statement that impacted you. It could be a shared laugh, a moment of grief, or a deep sense of community with the other person.

Step Five: Keep the connection alive—while it’s hard to create a connection, keeping one alive is considerably easier. It’s an intentional decision to keep the other person with you in some way. You might exchange encouraging texts or send one another helpful emails from time to time. Maybe it’s just the courtesy of remembering that person’s name so you can greet them and quickly reconnect the next time you see them. Do what you need to do to keep the spark alive, so you can build on it in the future.”

An article by Northwestern Medicine titled: 5 Benefits of Healthy Relationships they state that “As humans, the relationships we form with other people are vital to our mental and emotional wellbeing, and really, our survival. Humans have an inherent desire to be close to other people. To connect and build relationships. While a man stranded on an island, talking to a volleyball (you remember the movie!) isn’t necessarily “healthy,” his compulsion for company is. That’s because the fact of the matter is, healthy relationships (romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships -- they all count!) can help make for a healthier overall life. Everyone is unique and has their own needs and desires when it comes to relationships, handling stress and living a healthy, meaningful life. If you’re the type of person who enjoys being alone, that’s okay too, but attempting to make a couple close relationships could mean noticeable benefits to your mental and physical health. Sometimes having at least one good friend (or trusted co-worker, therapist or counselor) to help walk you through issues like social anxiety or depression can end up being more than worth it. It might be difficult, but it also might be exactly what you need. Even just having one or two strong, healthy relationships in your life can have a positive effect on health.”

In the book “The Joy Model” by Jeff Spadafora, he starts out the discussion on relationships with a quote by Charles Spurgeon who said “Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong. It’s knowing the difference between right and almost right”. He says that is the consideration we are faced with in considering our relationships and deciding how much time we should dedicate to which relationships.  Spadafora goes on to say that “poorly managed and neglected relationships are far and away the most common reason for self-inflicted pain in peoples’ lives. I can remember people saying “quality over quantity” when trying to reason with not spending time with family and those closest to you.  The fact is that time itself is the most valuable gift you can give anyone.  And while you are spending that time, it is important to be present, really present with the person or people with the time you do spend.  Quality and quantity are both important to having a deep relationship. Being in the same room while working on your computer or answering emails or being on social media on your phone is not quality time or being present. The book states that “if we had a crystal clear picture of what we want our most important relationships to look like twenty years from now, we might have more motivation to be more strategic about how we treat those closest to us. Or, conversely, if we had a sense of what life twenty years from now with obliterated relationships would be like, we’d be motivated to make some positive changes right now.”  Think about your relationships you have outside of family.  What are they motivated by? Do you think it could be selfish ambition or self promotion? How can relationships you have bring true joy by being motivated to serve and add value to others?  Spadafora says to “be brutally honest with yourself about the heart issues (ego, pride, fear, insecurity, greed) that are deteriorating your relationships. Self-deception about what really drives your thinking and interpersonal interactions will hold you back. Your relationships and life will never be all you want if you can’t get real with yourself. Self-authenticity is an unequivocal prerequisite to growth and joy.

Philippians 2:5-8 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!

One of the most important elements of cultivating healthy relationships is the area of communication.  We will talk more about this in future episodes, but I believe the key to effective communication is the lost art of listening.  Truly listening and being present in the situation is a huge gift to others.  Listening isn’t just waiting for your turn to talk or finishing others thoughts for them. When it does come time to speak, choose your words carefully.  Spadafora states that you can ruin a relationship “with wrong word choice, inappropriate tone, bad timing, or offensive body language.

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Action Item: Spend time thinking about a relationship that is very important to you and consider these questions:

Do I take the real time and quality time needed to have a deep relationship?

Do I listen intently and make sure the person knows what they say is important?

Is my motivation in this relationship to serve and add value?

In a blog post by Rick Warren titled: “Life Is All About Relationships” Warren says “ Nobody ever asks for things in the final moments of life. They always ask for people, because eventually everybody learns that life is all about relationships. Why not learn that sooner? It sure would relieve a lot of stress.

Life is not about achievements. It’s not about accomplishments.

Life is about relationships.”

Resources:

Half Time Institute: The Joy Model

Five Steps for Connecting With Others: John Maxwell

5 Benefits of Healthy Relationships: Northwestern Medicine

Life is All About Relationships: Rick Warren

Bible Gateway

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