Divorce Exposed

Insights for staying married, inspiration for surviving divorce.

The Cold Podcast - A Story Of Emotional Abuse 08/15/2020

Time Flies 06/11/2020

The Family Dog 05/31/2019

Nesting with Cherie Morris 04/26/2019

In Laws 12/29/2018

Working With A Divorce Attorney 10/18/2018

Ep 8 The New Baby Liz Kauffmann 10/30/2017

Ep 8 The New Baby Liz Kauffmann What happens to a marriage when a newborn enters the picture? While there is nothing better than welcoming a new baby into the world, for many couples, it is a major life transition. Unfortunately, a new baby can also mean the end of a marriage for some. In this episode of Divorce Exposed, I’m talking with Liz Kaufmann who works with couples when they bring home the new born, addressing issues that can ultimately save a marriage. I met Liz through a speaking program that I am a part of and knew right away that I wanted her to be part of the Divorce Exposed podcast and share her wisdom. I truly believe what she is doing adds so much value to a couple and we talk about some of the issues that people don’t even think about when they have children. If you are aware of these issues and you can work through them, you can survive the infant stage in your marriage with a lot less tension and create the life you want with your family rather than hitting your head against the wall not understanding what is happening. Unfortunately there is a lot of background noise in this episode because we recorded in a busy Starbucks on a Saturday morning in SOHO. While the noise might be distracting, the content and the conversation are definitely worth listening to. Especially for those that have a new baby in the house or someone expecting. In this episode we talk about Allowing yourself time to adjust to parenting Asking questions Leaning on your support system Getting sleep Communication It’s important thing for you to remember is that I am not an attorney, a therapist of a financial advisor. If you are going through difficult times and feel you need help, please reach out to someone, either a friend, family member or a professional and get support. I’ve listed some resources on the resources page of the website and encourage you to check there or reach out to your friends and family for referrals. Your life matters and getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself. My guest today is a social worker and brings with her the credentials to be considered a professional. While her focus is working with new parents, if you have an issue and you can’t find help, I’m sure she would be glad to provide you with the necessary resources to point you in the right direction. Remember, my goal is to provide you with insights for staying married and inspiration to survive divorce. The topic in this episode is important for someone who is expecting or has a new baby at home and doesn’t feel parenting is going as expected. /episode/index/show/divorceexposed/id/5889523

Successfully Single Men 07/03/2017

Successfully Single Men Most of us get married thinking it will last forever…..and then reality sets in…we change, we grow and so often, we stop doing it together. Some couples manage to work through the tough times and some couples throw in the towel Today we are talking with Dr. Katherine Morris who’s practice focuses on men in their 50’s and 60’s going through divorce. In this episode she shares her insight around divorce and we discuss the 8 common pitfalls for men to avoid as they are going through divorce. Some of these pitfalls can also apply to women, but since she focuses on men in her practice, the conversation today stays on that track. In addition to Dr. Morris, we have Dan with is who is one Dr. Morris’s clients. You’ll hear him chime in a few times throughout the conversation with his insights on this topic. After we stopped recording, Dan and I were talking and he mentioned that men age 50 have the highest rate of suicide. In his opinion, one of the contributors is divorce and men not feeling like they have anything left. They hear from their friends and family how they’ll lose everything, their house, their business, their family and then what do they have left. It’s understandable that they want to give up, but life is too precious and divorce shouldn’t be the end, it should be viewed as an initiation into better things to come. Dr. Morris explains this in our conversation. Unfortunately the quality for this recording isn’t very loud, so hang in there because there are some great ideas shared today. Before we get started, I wanted to remind you about our FB group that we’ve created. I’d love for you to join us where we keep the conversation going? Just look for divorce exposed the next time you are on FB and click join on the right. You’ll find a lot of great ideas on staying married and surviving divorce. It’s not a place to vent but to share ideas that are insightful and inspirational. Remember my goal is to provide you with insights for staying married and inspiration to survive divorce. The topic this week is especially important to men who are thinking about or who are in the middle of a divorce. If you know someone, please share this with them. To recap, the common pitfalls men make when leaving the marriage are: Not moving into the right location - either moving to a friends house or moving in to a basement or below par apartment. It’s important to move into a space that feels comfortable, where you can be yourself and begin to move forward. Take some of your items with you so you feel safe and secure - take some furniture, pictures, pieces that make you smile when you look at them. Don’t move in with another women right away. Give yourself time to work through the transition before you land in another relationship. Quite frequently that rebound relationship doesn’t last because you are still going through a transition Avoid overindulging in drinking and drugs - moderation with legal substances is ok but don’t go overboard. Be careful about taking unnecessary risks. It’s not uncommon for men to go speeding down the highway, bungie jumping or sky diving - if you wouldn’t have done it when you were married, think twice before doing it as you are getting divorced Get out and do things so you avoid ISOLATION. Being alone 7 nights a week isn’t healthy. Have a plan to get out and do things you enjoy. Pay attention to how much you are talking about your ex. It’s ok to talk to a professional or an isolated friend, but when you are talking about it to everyone, it can become a problem. This is particularly true at the office and in social settings. You don’t want the wrong message to get out during the divorce. If you or someone you know is going through a divorce and feel that Dr. Morris could be helpful to your situation, you’ll find her contact information in the resources section of this episode. Just search Divorce Exposed / successfully single men I also want to emphasize that I am not a lawyer, financial advisor or therapist. These are professionals you might need to help you through your divorce and I encourage you to reach out and ask for referrals if you feel you need help. I’m just here to share ideas for you to consider. Our guest today, Dr. Morris is a trained therapist and has set up resources that can assist you. Again, thank you for listening to the show. If you like what you heard, please go to iTunes and leave a review. Your opinion matters. Until next time……..keep finding the positives in everything you do /episode/index/show/divorceexposed/id/5504239

Hiring An Attorney 05/24/2017

Hiring An Attorney Welcome to divorced exposed where we provide insights for staying married and inspiration for surviving divorce. Most of us get married thinking it will last forever…..and then reality sets in…we change, we grow and so often, we stop doing it together. Some couples manage to work through the tough times and some couples throw in the towel - or at least one person does - and at some point, the big D word enters the picture. At divorce exposed, we want to provide insights for staying married and inspiration for surviving divorce. My name is Debbie DeChambeau and I am your host…. Today’s episode is for someone thinking about getting divorced or who might have just found out that their spouse wants a divorce. Today we are talking about getting legal advice so that you know your legal rights and how to find an attorney. Before I get too far into the episode I wanted to let you know a couple of things. First, I’ve started a FB group that I hope you will join. I’ve linked to it in the show notes or you can find it under Divorce Exposed. We have a FB page and a FB group. Join us on both. I’d love to keep the conversation going in the group and get your thoughts on the ideas that I bring up in this podcast. Just keep in mind that the idea behind the group isn’t to banter about bad marriages but to share insights for staying married and inspiration for surviving divorce. Also, if you like what you hear in this podcast, could you go to iTunes and leave a review? I’ll leave instructions in the resources portion of this episode just in case you aren’t sure how to do this. Your review really makes a difference in iTunes promoting the podcast for us. And the most important thing to remember is that I am not an attorney, a therapist of a financial advisor. If you are going through difficult times and feel you need help, please reach out to someone, either a friend, family member or a professional and get support. I’ve listed some resources on the resources page of the website and encourage you to check there or reach out to your friends and family for referrals. Your life matters and getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself during this difficult process. How do you find the right attorney as you begin the divorce process? You will find a lot of information online, but having an attorney that is licensed in your state, who knows the laws specific to your state and who has experience in family law matters is the best thing you can do for yourself during this difficult time. There are many people today who are able to end their marriage without hiring an attorney but my recommendation is that you at least have an initial consultation with an attorney to get professional advice so that you get what you are entitled to and you don’t give up more than you need to. The first thing is to understand the type of attorney you want. Just because someone is an attorney doesn’t mean that is who you want to hire for your divorce. Hire yourself a family law attorney or a divorce attorney. Basically it is the same, they just use different lingo. Make sure they are with a practice that focuses on family law and divorce and stay away from other types of attorneys like personal injury, estate planning and criminal. They usually don’t know the law for divorce like someone that specializes in the area. And using a specialist is going to get you the biggest bang for your buck. I would also look for an attorney that is in the jurisdiction that you want to get divorced. For example, I live in Montgomery County and Frederick County is 10 minutes away. There are attorneys in Montgomery County that practice in Frederick County but if they aren’t in the courthouse all the time and don’t know the judges, I wouldn’t recommend hiring them. As crazy as this might sound, when an attorney is familiar with the judges because it is where they practice all the time, it can make the process a little smoother. It’s a minor detail, but one that I think shouldn’t be overlooked. I know an attorney that bicycles with some of the judges every month. I don’t believe this influences any decisions that the judge makes but it can’t hurt when the attorney knows how the judge thinks and how this can impact the presentation of a case. I would also suggest that you hire someone that has a partner or at least a staff member. One of the things that you will want as you are going through your divorce is to have questions answered, sometimes in a timely manner. If your attorney is a solo practitioner, their time is limited. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t good, but if they have other cases, they will get to you in your turn and sometimes that might be too long for comfort. If the attorney you hire has a staff, while the attorney is in court, the staff person can answer questions and move your case along giving you better peace of mind. You will probably be frustrated enough dealing with your spouse during this process, feeling frustrated with your attorney, someone you are paying, shouldn’t happen but by understanding what to look for, you can minimize this possibility. So where do you find an attorney…. I would start by asking your friends / family who they have used, who do they know. If you are speaking with someone that actually used them, ask them how they handled the case and if felt they received fair treatment. Another place that you can find an attorney is online - but remember to look for divorce attorney or family law attorney and check out the reviews.There is a lawyer review site called . You might also want to look at , google my business and other social media platforms for reviews as well. As with many reviews, you’ll get some good and some bad so read between the lines and make sure that you meet the person yourself. Some lawyers will offer a free consultation or apply the fee for the consultation to your retainer if you hire them. But I would not recommend hiring someone without the first meeting. You want to make sure it feels right before you hire them. I would also suggest that you interview 2-3 attorneys before you make your final decision. One other thing to keep in mind when you are interviewing attorneys is that once an attorney has met with you, they can’t represent your spouse. I’m not suggesting that you meet with every attorney so that your spouse can’t hire one, but know that this is an agreement within the legal field to avoid conflict of interest. I know that when I went to hire an attorney, they wouldn’t represent me because they had represented my ex-husbands wife. I thought that was a stretch, but it was their choice. As you prepare for the first meeting, I would do a little bit of research ahead of time so that you are prepared with different questions you should ask. You might be nervous talking to the attorney or as you talk about getting divorced, you might get upset, which is perfectly understandable. By having your questions prepared, you’ll get more value from your consultation. I would also suggest taking someone with you to take notes because it can be an emotional experience and you don’t want to forget what the attorney is telling you. I’ll put together an episode around this in the next few weeks, to give you some guidance, but the more prepared you are for the meeting, the better you will feel afterwards. Having an attorney that you feel you can communicate with is important. Divorce is never fair and the process can be just as bad as the final outcome. I’m not saying that your attorney should coddle you, because that could get expensive, but having an attorney that sets expectations can help you to manage yours and if you can’t communicate, it will be even tougher. There are two things you want to accomplish before you begin the divorce process. You want to know your rights, and how the law will apply to you. What can you / can’t you do and what can/can’t your spouse do. The sooner you know your rights, the sooner you can begin to plan accordingly. If you are the one that wants to end the marriage, you will probably begin to take steps to simplify the process as you move forward. If you are the person who really didn’t want the divorce and are being somewhat blindsided, pull up your bootstraps because you could be in for a very bumpy ride. People get crazy during divorce - sometimes for spite, sometimes out of desperation, sometimes because the other person just insites it. Keep this in mind and try not to let it happen to you. Having the right attorney and knowing your rights is essential. There are different ways that you can get divorce, not every divorce has to end up in court and not every case has to end up costing hundreds of thousands of dollars. For example, you might hire a mediator instead of each of you getting your own attorney or you might decide that collaborative divorce is a better process. We will talk about these different ways to negotiate your divorce in an upcoming episode. But for this episode, I wanted to encourage you to get legal advice before you start the process so you can somewhat manage your expectations. There are two other professionals that you should probably talk to as well as you go through the divorce process - two that aren’t always talked about as much. You probably don’t need to talk to them right away but I would meet with them before you begin your divorce negotiations. The first is an accountant and the second is a financial advisor. Your accountant will talk to you about the tax implications of different things you might want to do as part of the divorce. Understand how child support, alimony, and how you claim dependents will impact your taxes moving forward. If you sell property, if you have investments, how will these be divided and what is the best way for you to move these assets to minimize tax consequences. All of this is negotiable as part of the divorce settlement, so go into the process with knowledge. Also talking with your financial advisor can help with future investments and things that you might want to consider negotiating. There is a new professional designation for financial advisors called Divorce Financial Planners and another called Certified Divorce Financial Analyst. These are individuals that have extended their studies to help facilitate people going through divorce and addressing the needs from a financial perspective. You might want to look for this designation as you seek out a financial planner to help you through this process. Remember, an attorney focuses on the law but your investments can have a different type of impact on your future, so I would recommend you have a conversation with these types of professionals as well. Remember, the goal of this episode was to encourage you to seek legal advice before you begin the process of getting divorced and to help you understand the type of attorney you should hire. As we bring this episode to a close, I hope that you feel empowered to talk with an attorney and get the advice that you need. Getting divorced is never an easy decision and talking to an attorney can be scary, but it’s important to get the information that applies to your state from a professional who deals with this regularly. And on a more positive note, if you are in or near NYC, why not get yourself some new photo’s. Maybe you need a few pics for your online dating site, maybe you just need a professional headshot. My good friend, Rick Becker of Becker Studios is great and you’ll love the results! If you aren’t going through divorce, maybe it’s time for a happy couple photo! You can get his information in the resource portion of the show notes and also on our resource page of the website. Thank you for listening to this episode of Divorce Exposed - If you like what you’ve heard on today’s podcast and want to hear more, please go to iTunes or your favorite podcast platform and subscribe to our podcast. We’d love your feedback /episode/index/show/divorceexposed/id/5386266

Celebrating Ex Spouse Day 04/14/2017

Children First 04/09/2017

Children First This episode is for someone thinking about getting divorced or who is in the middle of a divorce. I want to share some insight on your parenting arrangement and why putting your children first matters. It’s just an idea and it might not work for you but maybe you can take the idea and mold it into something that is a little bit different and does work for you. The inspiration for this episode is from separate articles on 2 couples that are also public figures and what we see publicly about their divorce. I thought what they were doing was worth a conversation. Of course, mixed into this episode are my thoughts on what they are doing and the impact it is having on their children. You'll find a link to the articles in the resource section below. Fun Information: Join our FB group. Click here for the link or see the resources section below. We have a FB page and a FB group. Join us on both. I’d love to keep the conversation going in the group and get your thoughts on the ideas that I bring up in this podcast. Just keep in mind that the idea behind the group isn’t to banter about bad marriages but to share insights for staying married and inspiration for surviving divorce. If you like what you hear in this podcast, could you go to iTunes and leave a review? I’ll leave instructions in the resources portion of this episode just in case you aren’t sure how to do this. Your review really makes a difference in iTunes promoting the podcast for us. Remember is that I am not an attorney, a therapist of a financial advisor. If you are going through difficult times and feel you need help, please reach out to someone, either a friend, family member or a professional and get support. I’ve listed some resources on the resources page of the website and encourage you to check there or reach out to your friends and family for referrals. Your life matters and getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself. In this episode about putting children first: The first public figure I want to talk about is Ben and Jenn. Benn Aflick and Jennifer Gardner. Now keep in mind, I’m really not a celebrity follower but I have always liked Jenn from the series, Alias. So when her name pops up, I take note. I heard awhile ago that they were separating and recently I’ve seen a few headlines that they are trying to work things out, one because they love each other and two for the children I absolutely love the fact that they are trying to work things out for the children. What goes on behind the scenes with them is not something I want to know about or even pay attention to. However, I have seen a few pictures of them off and on over the past two years and they always looked like they were trying to be a happy family. To me, this only benefits the children. If they can be civil to each other when they are in front of the children, I think it is amazing. Now you might have more inside scoop than I do, about what is really going on behind the scenes and that’s ok, because what I am really trying to focus on here is the hope that they are trying to do what is right for the children. I believe that when parents do things with the children they reinforce family values which often get lost when there is a divorce. As a child who’s entire life was torn upside down when my parents divorced, I might have a different view of this than someone who’s parents never divorced. In my opinion, and I want to be clear, this is my opinion only. The two of you as adults made the decision to get married and you made the decision to have children. They didn’t ask you to do this. Remember, if you can’t keep the marriage alive, it is not the children’s fault and you shouldn’t disrupt their lives because you want to change yours. As you listen to other podcasts for divorce exposed, you’ll probably hear me say this a lot because it is something I feel very strongly about. As someone who has lived it, I felt the pain of having to move because my parents divorced. It wasn’t just moving, it was adjusting to a new life with only one parent. If you decide to end your marriage, I think you should do everything in your power not to disrupt your children’s living situation. In my ideal world, every couple with children getting divorced should keep the primary residence and the parents should rotate in and out, not have the children move from home to home. In many situations this might not be practical. It can be expensive and extremely awkward if you have to be in a space where you ex is sometimes, but if you want what is best for the children, you as the parents have to make sacrifices. You made them when you had children, you can make them until the children are grown and independent. With so many marriages ending in divorce, what does that do for family values. I’m not professionally trained in this area, but common sense tells me that it must have an impact on our future generations. Another article I read that I also posted on our FB Divorce-Exposed page is about someone who runs a blog called ‘Scary Mommy; She is someone who has gained a large following from a parenting blog she runs. There was an article written about her on today.com and it talks about she and her husband planning for their separation. In the article they talk about how they planned for several months on the best way to break the news to their children. Now, in their scenario, Jeff has decided that he is gay and therefor wants to end their marriage. Losing your spouse because they are gay presents its own set of issues which we’ll save for another episode but they seem to have gone out of their way to make this easier on their children and sought professional help in the process. I applaud them for making the extra effort to get direction for helping their children through this difficult and emotional change. Please also know that I have zero issues with someone being gay and I completely support the gay community. One of my best buddies is gay, and several of my family members are as well. In reading the story about Jill and Jeff, I was impressed by how they planned the process rather than just springing it on the children but the one part that bothered me as I read the article, was that after they talked about the separation, they went shopping to pick out new bedsheets for their beds at their dads new house nearby. Now that could just be the author’s reporting, but what this says to me is that when they want to see their dad, they have to go to his house. Their world is turned upside down. This takes me back to let’s keep the children in their home and have mom and dad rotate in and out rather than having the children rotate back and forth. I know that the thought of sharing the same home with your ex so that you can keep your kids put is a difficult concept to swallow. The issues that you might have to work through can be enormous and too much for this episode, but the divorce shouldn’t mean that mom and dad’s life becomes easy peazy. In my opinion, it needs to be about the children first. And mom and dad still need to make sacrifices just like they did when they were married. With some divorces, the couples can’t be in the same room together. But we are the adults and we need to do our best to rise above the petty crap for the sake of our children. Trust me, I feel this with both of my ex husbands. I honestly wish I could say I was successful with this. But I failed in this department and to this day, for the sake of my kids, I wish things were different. When I grew, my parents got along very well. Heck, my mom had her third wedding reception in the backyard of my biological dad with his third wife (yes, follow that one). I’ve always been impressed with how my mom got along with all of her ex’s. And me, I can’t even be in the same room with them, much less have a conversation with them. When I left my first husband I had every intention of getting along like my parents did. I had the best role models and I thought for sure I’d be just like them. I thought we be sitting on the deck drinking beer together like we did when things were good. Instead, I ended up taking him to court several times trying to get him to be a better parent. It’s easy for me to say I blew it, but the reality is that his actions over the years caused me to build a wall. As a person I don’t like to be around people that bring me down and his actions were making my life more difficult than it needed to be. I could also see the hurt his actions caused my children and that caused me pain for them. I really feel like for the sake of our future families, if we are going to get divorced, we need to put the children first in the divorce process. I understand that there are financial issues that also need to be addressed, but we are talking about innocent lives that are at risk when parents divorce. Putting children first isn’t law, it’s not something that the court will mandate, but as parents, do we some sort of social responsibility for our children? If nothing else, it’s something to think about. If we approached divorce as thoughtful as Jill and Jeff did, but created a plan where the children could remain in the same home, instead of going back and forth between two homes, I’ll bet that there would be fewer problems in the long run. So hat’s off to Jenn and Brad for trying to make things work. It truly makes my heart smile when I hear people are trying to work things out because of the children. And to Jeff and Jill for getting professional help to make this easier on their children – best wishes. As we bring this episode to a close, I really hope that you were inspired by the concept. I know that it’s not something that is easy to do, but if you really want to do what is right for your children, you’ll find a way. If nothing else, maybe this idea will inspire something else that is even better than what I am suggesting! If you are in need of new photo’s and are near NYC, reach out to Rick Becker of Becker Studios. Maybe you want a new happy couple photo or you need professional looking photo’s for a dating site. He’s amazing to work with and I know you’ll love the end results. You can get his information in the resource portion of the show notes and also on our resource page of the website. Thank you for listening to this episode of Divorce Exposed - If you like what you’ve heard on today’s podcast and want to hear more, please go to iTunes or your favorite podcast platform and subscribe to our podcast. We’d love your feedback and a review on iTunes would really be wonderful. Until next time……..keep finding the positives in everything you do. RESOURCES Here are the articles that inspired this episode: /episode/index/show/divorceexposed/id/5250391

Being A Good Parent 03/18/2017

The Stay At Home Parent 03/11/2017

Episode 1 Introduction 03/11/2017

Divorce Exposed

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