Why Don't They Just Leave?

“Why don't they just leave?”

It is one of the most common questions asked about people experiencing domestic violence—and I believe it may be one of the wrong questions.

Last week on The Courageous Journey, we talked about how behavior is information and looked beyond labels like difficult, manipulative, attention-seeking, angry, noncompliant, lazy, and self-sabotaging. In this episode, I take that same curiosity into a behavior society often judges incredibly harshly: staying in—or returning to—an abusive relationship.

But this conversation isn't only about domestic violence.

After more than 25 years as a paramedic, I've responded to plenty of 911 calls where I knew clinically that someone probably didn't need an ambulance. Years ago, I sometimes wondered why they called. Why didn't they call their doctor? Why didn't someone drive them? Why didn't they go to urgent care?

Healing changed the question I ask.

Maybe they're scared. Maybe they're alone. Maybe they don't have transportation. Maybe they couldn't get an appointment. Maybe they don't understand what's happening in their body. Or maybe I simply don't have enough information to understand the decision they made before I arrived.

Clinical assessment and judgment of another human being are not the same thing.

That realization changed the way I care for patients—and it changed the way I understand my own story.

In this episode, I share pieces of my childhood and what it meant to grow up with an ACE score of nine. I talk about the little girl who once flinched when her dad coughed or sneezed, and what I now understand about the day that flinching eventually stopped.

The absence of the flinch didn't necessarily mean the presence of safety. The chaos didn't become safe. It became familiar.

I talk about becoming wired for protection instead of connection, learning to read rooms and moods while never really learning how to deeply connect with safe people. And when people later asked why I didn't simply leave abusive relationships, there was another question nobody seemed to ask:

Leave and go where?

We also talk about the practical realities that can make leaving extraordinarily complicated: housing, finances, financial abuse, children, transportation, pets, employment, isolation, threats, attachment, family dynamics, and safety concerns surrounding separation.

And I talk honestly about something else: I wasn't always healthy either.

I was angry. I was reactive. I hurt people. I made unhealthy decisions. Those behaviors became mine to understand, own, and change. But my unhealthy behavior did not make someone else's decision to abuse me my fault.

My behavior was mine to own. Their violence was theirs to own.

Accountability and compassion can exist together.

Ultimately, this episode isn't about providing one simple explanation for why someone stays. It's about recognizing how dangerous it can be to assume we understand someone's choices when we're only seeing a fraction of their life.

We may have enough information to see the behavior without having enough information to explain it.

Maybe that should make us curious before it makes us critical.

So instead of asking:

“Why don't they just leave?”

Maybe we need to start asking:

“What is making leaving difficult, and what could help make safety possible?”

One question asks us to judge a decision from the outside.

The other asks us to understand the human being living through it.

Healing begins with understanding.

Chapters

00:00 — Why Don't They Just Leave?
Why I believe we may be starting with the wrong question.

00:38 — Behavior Is Information
Taking last week's conversation about labels and applying it to staying in or returning to abusive relationships.

01:59 — What EMS Taught Me About Judgment
Why I no longer ask, “Why would someone call 911 for this?”

05:03 — From Judgment to Curiosity
The question that changed how I see patients and other people's behavior: “What am I missing?”

06:44 — My Childhood Didn't Introduce Me to Safety
Growing up with an ACE score of nine, chaos at home, and the experiences that shaped what felt normal.

08:33 — The Little Girl Who Stopped Flinching
What I now understand about my body's response to my dad—and why familiar doesn't mean safe.

09:48 — Wired for Protection Instead of Connection
Learning to read rooms, moods, and people while struggling to build deep, safe relationships.

11:39 — Leave and Go Where?
Why walking out the door isn't the whole story when there is nowhere safe to land.

13:21 — How Abuse Can Become Part of “Normal”
Generational patterns, early experiences, and the messages we absorb about relationships.

14:53 — When Family Sides With the Person Who Hurt You
What happened when my father supported men who faced domestic violence charges after hurting me.

16:04 — Everyone Could See My Behavior
The bruises and injuries were there—but my anger and reactions were easier for people to judge.

16:47 — I Was a Victim—and I Was Unhealthy
Why accountability for my behavior and responsibility for someone else's violence are two different things.

17:53 — Familiar Harm and Unfamiliar Safety
What I mean—and don't mean—when I talk about familiarity, predictability, and the nervous system.

19:36 — Leaving Is About More Than Trauma
Housing, money, children, transportation, pets, employment, threats, isolation, love, attachment, and safety.

22:27 — We Don't Know the Whole Story
Why seeing someone's behavior doesn't mean we have enough information to explain it.

23:05 — I Used to Judge Younger Me
Moving from “What was wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”

24:31 — Understanding What Shame Never Could
Why telling the whole story matters—and why survival behaviors can be complicated.

26:43 — What Professionals Need to Consider
What happens when the people working with survivors still ask, “Why don't they leave?”

27:09 — Maybe We Need a Different Question
“What is making leaving difficult, and what could help make safety possible?”

27:38 — Healing Begins With Understanding