248. Is this really, really, really about them?

As we continue our exploration of Yoga Sūtra 2.20, we return to the central insight it offers: that there is a part of us—the dṛṣṭā, the Seer—that is capable of seeing clearly, as it is, without distortion. The sutra states:

dṛṣṭā dṛśi-mātraḥ śuddho 'pi pratyayānupaśyaḥ

Translation: The Seer is pure seeing; although pure, it appears to see through the lens of the mental impressions.

This dṛṣṭā, or Seer, is the deeper part of our being, beyond the fluctuations of the mind, beyond the emotional storms, beyond even the core patterns that define our sense of “me.” It sees what is, uncolored by projection or fear. This awareness exists above the kleśas, the mental afflictions that shape our suffering. The kleśas—avidyā (ignorance), asmitā (egoism), rāga (attachment), dveṣa (aversion), and abhiniveśa (fear)—can be understood as the sum of our attachments and fears, often playing out most intensely in our relationships.

This week on My Daily Thread, our theme is relationships. We began with the essential question: “How are we showing up for our primary relationships?” These are the people closest to us—partners, family, friends—who reflect not just our love, but also our fears, our insecurities, and our deeply held patterns.

We introduced the practice of the Observer’s Pause, a moment to stop, take a breath, and witness what is actually arising in the mind. This pause offers a sacred space between stimulus and response—a space where clarity can enter. In this space, we can ask ourselves the powerful question: “Is this coming from my clarity or my conditioning?”

One of the primary ways the kleśas manifest in relationships is through projection. We project our fears, unmet needs, and unresolved wounds onto others. As Śrī O.P. Tiwari used to say, “When you point one finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you.” This timeless wisdom invites self-inquiry.

Jeff shared a personal story from his divorce—how, in moments of conflict, he pointed the finger at his ex-wife, accusing her of disrespect. But in pausing and reflecting, he began to see how he had disrespected her, and perhaps even more deeply, disrespected himself. It’s these layers of self-honesty that start to peel back the projections and bring us closer to truth.

We often carry unexpressed fears, things we haven’t taken the time to analyze or understand, and they quietly dictate our behavior. This is avidyā, or spiritual ignorance, which Yoga Sūtra 2.5 defines as: “taking the impermanent to be permanent, the impure to be pure, suffering to be pleasure, and the non-Self to be the Self.” This confusion seeps into our relationships when we expect another person to validate our worth, or soothe our anxiety, or fulfill a role they cannot.

But there is another way. We all have access to the Seer, that inner stillness and deep awareness. It’s always available—if we only pause, listen, and look within. So today, take this question with you:

“Is this really, really, really about them—or is it about me?”
Is it about my fear? My unmet expectations? My conditioned response?

Always pause. Always breathe. Allow the dṛṣṭā to show you the way home.