#40: Perseverance – Why She’s Testing Your Consistency

#40: Perseverance – Why She’s Testing Your Consistency 

 

We are continuing in the Rebuilding Intimacy and Emotional Connection series and today we are talking about Perseverance and why the wife you love in the marriage you are working so hard to save is testing your consistency. Now….

"You just heard the bell. That means it’s time to fight. 

We are in the ring, you and I. Not to fight each other. 

We are in the ring to fight for your marriage and for your wife. 

Notice I didn’t say fight with her but for her. 

We are fighting to save your marriage… your family… your legacy.

I'm here in your corner. You’re not alone. Now let’s get to work."

 

Let’s get real honest to begin:

You’ve started changing. You’re showing up differently. You’re working on yourself. You’re leading with calm instead of chaos.

But she still seems cold.

She’s not meeting your effort. She’s not responding the way you hoped.
And now you’re wondering, “What’s the point?”

You feel stuck in a one-sided battle for your marriage—and maybe you’re tempted to give up.

Let me stop you right there.

This moment right now? Where it feels thankless, lonely, and unfair?
This is the test.
This is where boys quit and men rise.

Because she’s not just watching your effort.
She’s watching your consistency.
She’s watching to see if you’re serious—or just sprinting through another short-lived change.

Today, I’m going to show you exactly why her heart isn’t softening yet, how to pass the test she’s giving you without even realizing it, and how perseverance is your greatest weapon when nothing else seems to work.

Let’s get into it.

 

Point 1: She’s Not Ignoring You—She’s Testing You

Here’s the brutal truth most men don’t want to hear:

Every man who’s ever said, “I’ll change,” also made promises he didn’t keep.

She’s heard it all before.
She’s seen the “nice guy” act. She’s watched the short bursts of effort—the flowers, the dates, the apologetic texts—followed by the return to old habits.

So now, she’s not responding to your new behavior.

Why?

Because she doesn’t believe it yet.

Not because she’s stubborn.
Not because she’s mean.
But because she’s protecting herself from the crash if you quit again.

She’s watching for patterns—not promises.
She’s measuring consistency—not intensity.

So if you’re serious about winning her trust back, you better be in it for the long haul.

 

A: Most Men Quit Right Before the Breakthrough

This is where good men lose the battle:

• They make real changes.
  
  

• They expect a quick response.
  
  

• They don’t get it.
  
  

• They get frustrated.
  
  

• They slip back into old patterns.
  
  

And that right there? That’s when she says, “See? Nothing really changed.”

You think the silence means it’s not working. But here’s what you don’t see:

Every time you stay calm, she’s taking mental notes.
Every time you don’t blow up when she’s cold, she’s watching.
Every time you validate her—even when she doesn’t validate you—her defenses weaken a little more.

This is a war of attrition. Not a sprint. Not a Hallmark moment.

You are proving, day by day, that you are no longer the man she had to protect herself from.

If you quit now, you prove her right.
But if you stay the course, you prove yourself to be real.

 

B: Lead Because It’s Who You Are—Not to Get Applause

This is where you graduate from “trying hard” to becoming a man.

You stop doing things to get a reaction.
You stop asking, “Is this working?”
You stop keeping score.

And you start becoming the kind of man who:

• Shows up with integrity, regardless of outcome.
  
  

• Leads with maturity, even when unrecognized.
  
  

• Loves without needing immediate return.
  
  

You don’t lead for applause. You lead because that’s who you are now.

This isn’t about her anymore—it’s about you becoming the man you were always meant to be.

And when she finally realizes this isn’t a phase…
That’s when her heart starts to come back.

But you don’t wait for that.
You lead anyway.

 

Point 2: Her Guard Is a Survival Mechanism—Not a Personal Attack

I know how easy it is to take her distance as rejection.
You’re giving everything you’ve got, and she’s giving you… what feels like nothing.

But listen to me clearly: Her coldness isn’t cruelty. It’s self-defense.
Her silence isn’t spite. It’s a shield.

She’s not attacking you.
She’s trying to survive the wreckage of what the marriage became before you woke up.

If there were years where she didn’t feel emotionally safe—where she felt alone, dismissed, criticized, or neglected—she built armor.
That armor doesn’t come off overnight just because you had an epiphany.

She wants to believe the change is real.
She wants to lean in again.
She wants to hope.

But hope hurts when it’s been crushed before.

So what do you do?

• You do what you say you’ll do.
  
  

• You speak gently when she’s upset.
  
  

• You give her space without punishment.
  
  

• You stay consistent even when she’s cold.
  
  

She’s not asking you to be perfect.
She’s asking, “Can I trust you to not hurt me again?”

That’s the question your actions are answering every single day.

A: Pressure: It Breaks the Process but She’ll Believe It When You Don’t Break

You might not even realize you’re doing it—but sometimes your need for reassurance is what breaks the progress.

You ask:

• “Did you notice I’ve been trying?”
  
  

• “Why don’t you trust me yet?”
  
  

• “I’m doing everything right—why don’t you appreciate it?”
  
  

Let her rebuild trust on her timeline—not yours.

Take the pressure off.
Focus on who you’re becoming—not what you’re getting.

That’s what creates emotional space for her healing.

Here’s something wild you might not expect:

Sometimes the moment she starts to believe in you… is the moment she pushes back hardest.

She sees you showing up. She sees the consistency. And part of her begins to hope.

And that hope terrifies her.

So she’ll say something cruel. She’ll shut down. She’ll test the boundary again.

Why?

Because if you break under pressure, she’ll know it was all a phase.
But if you stay calm… if you stay kind… if you stay rooted…

She’ll feel it deep in her bones: “He’s not reacting. He’s not folding. He’s not going anywhere.”

That’s the moment she starts to feel safe again.

It’s counterintuitive—but it’s real.

So don’t flinch when the resistance spikes.

It’s often the final gate before the breakthrough.

B: Your Leadership Is Showing—Even in the Silence

You might think nothing’s happening because she hasn’t said anything.
But I promise you, brother—she notices everything.

• When you stop interrupting and start listening? She sees it.
  
  

• When you ask how her day was—and don’t turn it into a complaint about yours? She registers it.
  
  

• When you hold your ground without anger, without begging, without manipulation? Her nervous system starts to calm down.
  
  

That’s leadership.

You are leading her emotional reality even if she doesn’t acknowledge it yet.

So show her that she’s safe—through tone, through patience, through quiet strength.

Let her feel, in her soul, that you’re not a storm to brace for anymore.

You’re shelter now. If you listened to the previous episode “You are the Lighthouse.” 

Point 3: Get Around Men Who Get It

You cannot walk this path alone.

Trying to save your marriage in isolation is like trying to climb Everest without oxygen or a guide.
You need men in your corner who aren’t going to tell you to bail.
You need brothers who’ve been in the trenches and stayed.

So let me challenge you—where are you getting your input?

If it’s social media, venting friends, or co-workers who mock commitment, you're sabotaging yourself.

You need a different circle.
One that holds the standard. One that speaks truth. One that calls you higher when you want to fold.

Surround yourself with men who make perseverance normal.

Let iron sharpen iron.

Because when you see other men staying strong—even when it’s hard—it reinforces your own resolve.

A: Start Living With Legacy in Mind

Let’s take this even deeper: What kind of story are you writing right now?

Because the man who quits becomes a warning.
The man who stays becomes an example.

Your kids will either say,

“My dad gave up when things got hard,”      or
“My dad didn’t flinch. He stayed. He grew. He fought for mom and for us.”

That legacy is being written with every choice you make.

Every day you choose patience over pressure… presence over pride… perseverance over panic…

You are building something eternal.

You are showing the next generation what real strength looks like.

So live today with your grandchildren’s admiration in mind.

Let that anchor you when the emotions swirl.

 

EXTENDED WRAP-UP

I know this season is painful.

It’s not flashy. It’s not celebrated. It’s not easy.

But it’s holy work.

You are being forged in the fire of slow, consistent love.

Not for rewards. Not for praise.

But because you’ve decided to become the kind of man who leads… protects… and finishes what he starts.

Let me remind you:

• She’s not testing to be cruel. She’s testing because she hopes you’re real.
  
  

• Her silence isn’t rejection. It’s protection.
  
  

• Your consistency is changing the atmosphere, even if the scoreboard hasn’t moved yet.
  
  

So stay faithful. Stay grounded. Stay dangerous—in the best way.

 

CALL TO ACTION

I just told you to get around men who get it.
If you don’t have anyone like that in your life right now, then this is your next step:

Go to mensaveyourmarriage.com

I’m building Resto-Marriage—an online brotherhood for men who are walking the same path you’re on.
Men who are fighting for their families.
Men who are rebuilding what they broke.
Men who are refusing to let their marriage die without a fight.

Some of these men you’ll learn from. Others will learn from you. Either way—you won’t be walking alone.

Go now. Get on the waitlist.
You’ll be the first to know when the doors open. And when they do…
you won’t want to be on the outside looking in.

 

Final Thoughts

Look in the mirror and ask yourself:

“Do I lead based on results—or based on who I’ve decided to become?”

If you’re ready to be that man, then stay steady.
Don’t flinch. Don’t chase. Don’t quit.

And if this episode landed for you, share it with a man who’s on the verge of giving up.
He needs this fire. He needs this truth.

Then leave a review and subscribe. Because this movement isn’t for dabblers. It’s for men who finish what they start.

Finally, 

She’s not looking for a perfect man.
She’s looking for one who doesn’t disappear when the applause doesn’t come.