#59: Lead The Way – Enter The Forge – Feedback That Refines

#59: Lead The Way – Enter The Forge – Feedback That Refines

Men, Save Your Marriage – The Leadership Series (Episode 8)

 

INTRO: FEEDBACK IS FIRE

Welcome back to Men, Save Your Marriage.
This is Episode 8 in our Lead the Damn Way series.
And today’s message is one that will expose you, challenge you, and—if you let it—refine you.

We’re talking about feedback.

Not flattery.
Not the shallow stuff people say to keep things smooth.
Not compliments you fish for when you’re insecure.

I’m talking about raw, honest, sometimes painful feedback—the kind that hits your ego, punches your pride, and invites you into the forge.

Because that’s exactly what feedback is.

It’s fire.

And fire, if you’re willing to enter it, doesn’t burn you to destroy you—it burns off what’s weak, soft, and half-built in you so that only what’s strong remains.

Today, I’m going to show you how feedback—especially from your wife, your kids, and the men you trust—can become the forge that sharpens your leadership.

If you want to be a man who’s respected, followed, and trusted again…
If you want to lead a marriage that’s not built on eggshells but on truth…
If you want to raise kids who admire you instead of avoid you…

Then you need to stop dodging feedback and start embracing it.

This is the episode that separates men who pretend from men who refine.

Let’s enter the forge.

POINT 1: FEEDBACK IS FIRE—AND FIRE REVEALS WHAT’S REAL

Most men avoid feedback because they confuse it with an attack.

They hear their wife say, “I don’t feel seen,” and think:

“She’s just complaining again.”

They hear their kids say, “You never listen,” and think:

“They’re just being disrespectful.”

They hear their mentor say, “You’re coasting,” and think:

“You don’t get what I’m carrying.”

But here’s the hard truth: feedback is not an attack—it’s a mirror.

It shows you what others experience when they’re on the receiving end of your leadership.

It reveals:

• Where your presence is off.
  
  

• Where your words wound instead of build.
  
  

• Where your good intentions don’t match your impact.
  
  

And yes—it stings.

It always stings.

Because fire always stings when it touches something soft.

But here’s the principle:

Feedback is the fire that reveals what’s real.

You think you’re strong?
You think you’re leading well?
You think you’re building trust?

You don’t know until someone tells you what they actually experience.

If you’re not hearing feedback, there are only two possibilities:

1. You’re surrounded by people too afraid to tell you the truth.
   
   

2. You’ve trained people to stay silent because of how you respond.
   
   

Neither of those is leadership.
Both of those are weakness dressed up like confidence.

You can’t lead well if you refuse to be led by feedback.

A man who can’t handle correction will always hit a ceiling in his marriage, in his fatherhood, in his business, and in his soul.

But the man who invites refinement?
He becomes dangerous in all the right ways.

He becomes a man people trust.
A man people lean on.
A man people follow.

Let me ask you three brutal questions:

• When was the last time you looked your wife in the eye and said,
  
  

“What’s one thing I do that makes you feel unsafe?”

• When was the last time you asked your kid,
  
  

“What’s something I do that makes you not want to talk to me?”

• When was the last time you told a mentor,
  
  

“Where do you see me settling, softening, or avoiding responsibility?”

If the answer is never, don’t be surprised when your leadership feels weak.

Feedback is the forge.
And the forge is where kings are made.

POINT 2: THE REAL REASONS MEN RESIST FEEDBACK

Let’s cut the excuses and get real:

You don’t resist feedback because it’s false.
You resist it because it hits something true.

Let me show you the four most common reasons men push feedback away—and how each one is a sign of weakness masquerading as strength.

1. Pride – “I already know what I’m doing.”

Pride whispers:

“You don’t need correction. You’re good.”

This is the most dangerous mindset a man can adopt.

Because when pride takes over, you stop listening.
You stop learning.
You stop adjusting.

And then—one day—you wake up wondering why your wife is distant, why your kids are cold, and why no one trusts your leadership.

Blind spots destroy marriages.
Blind spots create father wounds.
Blind spots bury legacies.

And pride is what protects your blind spots from being touched.

2. Shame – “If that’s true, I’m a failure.”

This one’s deeper.

Some men don’t avoid feedback out of arrogance—they avoid it because of internal shame.

They believe:

“If I admit that’s true about me, it confirms I’m broken.”

Listen: feedback is not about identity—it’s about behavior.

It’s not saying you’re irredeemable.
It’s saying something in your behavior isn’t working—and you have the power to fix it.

You’re not a failure because you’re flawed.
You only fail when you refuse to face your flaws.

3. Fear of Loss – “If I admit I messed up, I’ll lose her respect.”

This fear is common in marriage.

You think:

“If I own this, she’ll see me as weak.
If I admit this, she’ll think less of me.”

But here’s what you’re missing:

You don’t lose respect when you admit fault.
You lose respect when you refuse to change.

Your wife doesn’t need perfection.
She needs **presence.
She needs **humility.
She needs a man who listens and grows.

Respect is not earned by being right.
Respect is earned by being refinable.

4. Lack of Framework – “I heard the feedback—now what?”

Many men do hear feedback.
But they don’t know what to do with it.

So they:

• Get defensive
  
  

• Get overwhelmed
  
  

• Get passive
  
  

They nod. They shut down. They move on.
But nothing changes.

Feedback without action is just noise.

In a minute, I’ll give you a clear tactical framework for receiving and applying feedback like a masculine leader.

But first—let me tell you a story.

 

STORY: THE MAN WHO STOPPED DEFENDING AND STARTED REFINING

Brandon was one of those men who thought he was doing everything right.

He worked hard.
He provided.
He stayed loyal.
He even came home every night.

But his wife was emotionally shut down.

When he came to me, he was angry.

“My wife keeps saying she doesn’t feel seen. I do everything for her!”

He listed the bills he paid.
The cars he maintained.
The kids he coached.

“She doesn’t appreciate any of it,” he said.

So I asked him a simple question:

“What’s the exact feedback she’s given you about how she experiences you?”

He paused.

And after a long silence, admitted:

“I don’t actually know.”

So I gave him an assignment.

I told him to ask her this one line:

“What’s one thing I consistently do that makes you feel disconnected from me?”

He asked.

Her answer?

“You listen to respond, not to connect.”

That hit him hard.

He wanted to argue.
He wanted to defend himself.

But instead, he bit his tongue and wrote it down.

Then we got to work.

For one month, Brandon practiced three things:

1. Pausing before responding. No rushing to defend or fix.
   
   

2. Repeating back what she said before offering his own view.
   
   

3. Making empathy—not efficiency—his goal in conversation.
   
   

He kept a journal.
He tracked when he got it wrong.
He adjusted daily.

And after 30 days, his wife said:

“I feel like I have a husband again.”

Brandon didn’t need to be perfect.
He didn’t need a degree in counseling.

He just needed to shut up, listen, and refine.

That’s the power of feedback received and applied.
That’s a man who entered the forge—and came out stronger.

 

POINT 3: THE FEEDBACK FORGE FRAMEWORK

Here’s your blueprint.
The 4-step feedback cycle.

Use this again and again in your marriage, your fatherhood, and your leadership.

STEP 1: ASK FOR IT INTENTIONALLY

Don’t wait for her to explode.
Don’t wait for your kid to shut down.
Don’t wait for someone to quit your team.

Ask before it’s a crisis.

Try questions like:

• “What’s something I do that creates distance between us?”
  
  

• “What’s one thing I might not see about how I’m showing up lately?”
  
  

• “Where have I dropped the ball in your eyes?”
  
  

The more specific, the better.

You’re not fishing for affirmation.
You’re mining for refinement.

STEP 2: RECEIVE WITHOUT DEFENSIVENESS

This is the hardest part.

When the feedback hits, your body will want to react.

You’ll want to:

• Explain
  
  

• Justify
  
  

• Clarify
  
  

• Argue
  
  

Don’t.

Just say:

“Thank you. That’s hard to hear—but I needed it.”

And mean it.

Write it down if you have to.
Stay present. Stay grounded.

This is the forge—it’s supposed to be hot.

STEP 3: REFLECT HONESTLY

Get alone for 10 minutes.

Write down:

• The feedback you received
  
  

• What part of it was true
  
  

• What pattern it revealed in you
  
  

• What action it demands
  
  

Then own it.

Don’t sugarcoat it.
Don’t water it down.

Name the behavior.
Name the cost.
Name the next move.

STEP 4: RESPOND WITH CHANGE

Do something about it—immediately.

Even a small adjustment shows that you’re listening.

Do not say, “I’m working on it.”
That’s a passive man’s escape.

Instead, act.

Let her see it.
Let your kids feel it.
Let your team watch it unfold.

Then repeat this cycle monthly.
Every 30 days, ask for fresh feedback.

This is how you build fire-tested leadership.
This is how you earn trust—not once, but over time.

DRILLS – ENTER THE FORGE THIS WEEK

Three practical ways to apply this episode starting today:

1. The Feedback Question

Ask your wife:

“What’s one thing I do that makes it hard for you to connect with me?”

Then:

• Write it down
  
  

• Say thank you
  
  

• Do something different today
  
  

2. The Brotherhood Mirror

Ask a trusted man in your life:

“What’s one blind spot you see in how I lead my home?”

Then:

• Listen
  
  

• Own it
  
  

• Adjust it
  
  

You can’t grow alone.
Men sharpen men.

3. The Weekly Check-In

Every Sunday, journal these three prompts:

• Where did I lead well this week?
  
  

• Where did I react instead of lead?
  
  

• What feedback did I receive—and what changed?
  
  

This 10-minute habit builds massive self-awareness over time.

 

FINAL WORDS: THE MAN IN THE FIRE

You cannot lead your family without correction.
You cannot grow without refinement.
You cannot build a lasting legacy if you’re too fragile for feedback.

So here’s your command this week:

• Ask.
  
  

• Listen.
  
  

• Apply.
  
  

• Adjust.
  
  

Let the fire touch what’s weak—so only the strong remains.

That’s how men grow.
That’s how trust is rebuilt.
That’s how you lead the damn way.