Taking a break | Burnout

Taking a break | Burnout

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Omg, I did something so silly. 😂

 

Normally, when I produce my podcast episode, I set up the camera and film myself talking. I put that version on YouTube, and then I put an audio only version out for Apple, Spotify, etc.

 

This week, I accidentally had the camera flipped around without knowing it. I went to a beautiful park, picked a gorgeous place to sit, and then filmed the street instead of me in the pretty spot. Lmao. The funny thing is, just like the camera was facing the wrong way, I’ve realized I’ve been pushing in the wrong direction too.

I am forced to face something that I’ve avoided admitting for some time: I am deeply burnt out. Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It's characterized by feelings of overwhelming fatigue, cynicism, detachment, and feelings of ineffectiveness or lack of accomplishment.

 

If you’ve never experienced burnout—and I hope you haven’t—it feels like the kind of tiredness that sleep cannot cure. It’s beyond exhaustion. And it’s affected how I’m showing up as a teacher and in my whole life. 

 

What I know is that the cure for this type of burnout is savasana—deep rest. I often say when students lie down for final resting pose: “Rest requires as much practice as work itself.”

It’s time for me to practice savasana for myself right now. 

 

Starting June 1st, I’ll be taking June, July, and August off for recovery and deep rest. That means no live classes or new video content.

 

My hope is that with some rest I’ll rediscover my passions and have something new to share. 

 

In this week’s episode of the Luminous Recovery Yoga podcast, I share my process behind my need for a break. I’ve also shared how I intend to spend this time and my plans for the fall.

 

I want to reassure you that while I'm taking a break, the podcast isn't disappearing. While new episodes won't be released for a while, there is a treasure trove of past episodes that you can explore and revisit on my YouTube channel. It's my hope that these episodes can continue to provide guidance, inspiration, and company during your yoga journey, even while I'm recharging.

 

Currently, my plan is to head to Mexico for the summer. I’ll recuperate on the beach in the sun. I’ve been craving that for years. For the fall, I’ve been accepted in the Master’s of Business Administration (MBA) program at Portland State University.

 

I’m definitely not done with yoga. But, I need to change my relationship with how I do things right now. I’m rediscovering my own practice and need to cultivate stillness on my mat.

 

One of the most important yogic principles is sthira sukha asanam, or the balanced action between effort and ease. It’s about knowing when to retreat and restore, and respecting the signals from our bodies. This is the lesson I’m embracing now. I hope it inspires you to listen to your own needs and grant yourself permission to rest, renew, and revitalize when needed.

 

With love,

 

~Kari

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Transcripts:

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taking a break
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[00:00:00] Hello my friend. This is Kari and you are listening to the Luminous Recovery Yoga Podcast. I am in a beautiful park today, the same park that I was in last time, Laurelhurst Park in Portland, Oregon. We are having a hot AF day and everyone in Portland is out and it's beautiful and I'm so happy to be here and I'm happy to be here connecting with you.

This podcast has served and does serve as a space. It's a space that I've created where I can talk about my recovery and the principles that help me in everyday life and how that relates to yoga. The physical practice, also the principles. I like to say something that I've heard one of my teachers say, we practice principles not poses.

So for me, this is a principles based practice, whether I'm talking about recovery principles [00:01:00] or principles of yoga, practicing principles keeps it clean. For me, when I'm practicing principles, it's like having a roadmap. And when I have that map in front of me, I can more clearly see where I'm going. As opposed to when I'm just going on straight feelings or how I feel about a particular person or situation, that stuff fluctuates so much.

I was recently asked to reflect on how my leadership stance has shifted in the last five years, and one of the things that I've really learned from recovery, I think it's tradition 12. I don't have any literature in front of me, but it's principles above personalities, and that has really helped develop my leadership stance, which is when I live a principal's based life personalities.

Shift. They come, they go. There are some personalities that [00:02:00] I like and some personalities that I don't like, and that could even include myself. There are moments when I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and my personality sucks. And then there are moments where I'm calm and centered and I feel clued into the world around me, and I have a shining, dazzling personality.

But when I live a principal's based life, it doesn't really matter. The personality because I'm acting on principle. And so principles above personalities has really helped develop me as a leader. And so when living this principles based life and this life of recovery and learning to practice, practice these principles in my affairs, you know, it's really one of those things where I wanna practice what I preach and I'm constantly telling students, take a rest, take a break.

If the pose is too much, find your wisdom posture. Find the posture that speaks to you, the pose that helps you downshift. When you lose connection [00:03:00] to your breath, find that connection first. You know, if you're in a pose that's causing your breath to get jagged or rough or you know, you're feeling that like, like panting for air stop and.

I guess that's easier for me to practice when I'm in a physical pose. And one of the things that I've said frequently on this podcast is that for me, the pose is really a metaphor for life. The pose is kind of a, the micro in the macro. It's, it's what's happening right now. It's how you do anything is how you do everything.

And so how I'm being in the pose is how I'm being in the world, and the pose becomes this little microcosm to see myself through. And so one of the things that I've come to realize lately is that I need rest, like full on. And, and it's the kind of rest that sleep doesn't cure. [00:04:00] It's not about sleep, rest, it's, it's deep rest.

It's shavas. And my therapist always says to me, what's your Shaba practice like? And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I don't rest. And, and it's almost, you know, it's, it's an addiction. It's, it's not, I'm not even saying workaholism, like it's some of that, but it's like that resistance to rest is an addiction to how I see myself in the world.

Like I am addicted to my worldview, which is. That if I rest, I'm weak. And I know that that's not true. Like I would never say to a student who was tired, you're weak. Like that's crazy. And yet, why do I treat myself that way? Like why do I behave as though needing rest makes me a weak person? And yet I have this like thing in the back of my head where like I just don't take breaks.

[00:05:00] Like I can't. I literally can't tell you the last time I took a vacation, and I don't mean like went away for a, a Saturday and Sunday night or like, but really took a vacation where I didn't work, I didn't answer emails, I didn't, you know, I wasn't planning for what I was gonna do when I got back in terms of, you know, like I, I, you know, I haven't gone anywhere further than two hours away from the office kind of a thing, you know?

And so what I've really come to see is that I need rest, like the kind of rest that sleep. It's beyond sleep, you know? It, it's like there's a hunger that food won't cure and an exhaustion that sleep won't cure. It's, it's something deeper. And so I've really come to see how I need deep rest. I need Shavasana.

I need corpse, like rest, like the kind of rest that. [00:06:00] Means I need to set things down. And that's really hard for me emotionally because I've really been the type of person who finds myself worth my self-worth. Self-worth came out, and that's probably a slip my self-worth based on my work, what I'm doing.

You know, like that corny cliche, like you're not a human doing. You're a human being. Like it's corny and it's trite, but it's true. I have been a human doing going through all of the actions, and I could just feel myself as a nub, like a nub of a person. I have a friend who is a medical sociologist, and recently I was telling her about some of the things that I was feeling, and she told me that I have clinical burnout.

Like she actually, she shared a presentation that she does. She gives this lecture based on that's about burnout with therapists. And she shared her slide [00:07:00] deck with me. I was like, what were those things that you had said again about burnout? And she shared her slide deck with me just so that I had like all of the information.

But like I have clinical burnout. I was probably burned out three years ago, but now I'm really burned out. So there's this question of what is there to do about it and what there is to do about it is to take deep rest. And what that means for me, what that means for you is that I have to set everything down and I have to prioritize my rest.

I have to set everything down. That includes making my podcast, that includes making YouTube videos. That includes teaching live classes. Everything that I'm doing needs to get set down. I'm at the point where I don't even have creativity left. Like if someone were to say to me, Carrie, teach a workshop, I'd be like, about what?

What would I pa like? And that's [00:08:00] actually one of the signs of burnout is not being able to recognize your own progress, not being able to see your improvements. Like I can't even. Like, I, I just, I have no creativity in me. Like that's really how it feels. It's like I, I'm running on, like, we were running on fumes years ago, but now I'm running just, it's like a, like there's a part of me that feels like a shell of a person and it's probably not great that I let it get this far, but it's, I guess it's how I learn.

And, you know, a year ago I probably had an opportunity to take a break. But I had left a romantic relationship. I had left a business partnership. I had left a business that I had like put so much of my time and energy into that. The thought of stopping felt. Terrifying and traumat, like as traumatizing.

It's all of the change I was going through, so I decided to jump right back into work and not even jump back in. Like there was no back in. I just kept [00:09:00] going at full speed and I, I thought that I was doing something different, but it turns out I was actually just doing the same thing with new colors on it.

And so now the thing that's really different, like the thing that will be the different thing is to put it all down and to take a break. So what that looks like for me is I'm going to Mexico. I'm gonna go to Mexico for a couple few months and I'm gonna relax. I'm gonna sit on the beach. I'm going to do my very, very best to not make plans.

Which is funny cuz I'm like, I'm not making plans. And then I'll be like, Ooh, I could find myself making plans for, oh, I'm gonna do this thing, I'm gonna do that thing. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're doing that thing again. Will you make plans? And we're not making plans. So I keep making plans for my unplanned time and I have to catch myself in the act while I'm doing it and be like, no, we're not doing that.

We're setting that aside, like we're gonna see what happens. So I'm going to Mexico, I'm going to rest. [00:10:00] I'm going to do only what I must, which is take care of myself. And I'm gonna take the summer off, like fully, completely off. I'm setting aside any timelines for myself, any expectations. As of right now, I'm setting the podcast down.

You know, there's a part of me that's like, oh, I'll be back in a month, but I don't know, you know, like, I'm gonna give myself the time to feel inspired again. Like when I feel inspired to pick up the camera and to pick up the microphone and to start talking again. That's what I really need is to feel a sense of excitement and creativity and inspiration again, because I've really sort of lost that.

Like I just, sometimes I feel like I'm reaching so deep, like, oh, what am I gonna talk about? And it's like, I have tons to talk about and yet I don't like there's, there's this little spark that has, it's really dim right now, so I'm gonna take [00:11:00] time to rejuvenate to get some sun. I've been practicing yoga again, which is just phenomenal.

I, it's not that I ever stopped practicing yoga, but I was going through the motions. I was, you know, mostly practicing. When I was teaching. I was really begrudging about getting on my mat. I would do it, but it was like, ah, okay. And like that might sound, you know, silly or crazy, but I had really lost like my spark for it, even though I was going through the motions.

And so I've been going to yoga again. I've been taking classes back at hot yoga, which I really love. And and that's been really good. Like I really need to separate my teaching practice from my own practice. And those need to become two distinct things again, like I was really good in solid in that boundary several years ago.

And that boundary has gotten really fuzzy. Those lines have really gotten fuzzy. So I'm rediscovering my own practice, like what it feels like to be [00:12:00] on the mat for myself, not having to teach other people, but just to really be focused on myself, my own breath, my body movement, how I feel. And that's been spectacular.

So I'm getting back on the mat and that's wonderful. And I'm on day 373 of meditation. So meditation is going good. But I'm just, I really, I'm in like this self renaissance, like I really need to rediscover myself. And then another big thing that's coming up is I'm actually going to grad school starting in September, 2023.

I'm going to grad school to get an mba, a Master's of Business administration. I love business. I love being in business. I, one of the things I love most about having a yoga studio is having a business. And so I've decided I wanna go deeper into my business practice. One of the things that Portland State University is known for is sustainability and innovation.

And, [00:13:00] and that's like what I really want is sustainability and innovation. One of the things that I have not found in business for myself is sustainability. Like I have been my own worst boss. I work myself to the bone. I've never had a boss who worked me to the bone, like I worked myself to the bone. So when I say sustainability, it's like it's micro and it's macro.

It's sustainability of society, of structures, of systems, but it's also sustainability of self. Like being able to get up day after day after day and do the things that need to be done and not feel like I'm burning myself into the ground, which I have not figured out how to do yet. So when I say sustainability and innovation, I mean for business, but I also mean for me.

So that's what I'm doing is I'm resting, I'm gonna take the summer to rest and, and then I'm gonna go to grad school and I'm gonna see how I feel. I'm gonna see if that spark comes back, that creativity, that [00:14:00] feeling of, yes, I want this, I wanna do this. Cause right now nothing sounds good. Which is another.

Manifestation of burnout is that nothing sounds good. Like if you were to say to me, do you wanna do X, Y, or Z? I would be like, none of those things. Like I just, I don't even know what sounds good to me anymore, but I do know what sounds good is taking a break, taking an extended vacation, taking a sabbatical, if you will.

The thing about sabbatical is that there's this. Like, you're gonna come back and right now I just don't know what I'm doing. You know, I want to believe that I'll come back to teaching, but I don't know what that will look like because right now, I, I, my creativity for it is so diminished. So right now I need to back it all up.

I need to set it all down and I need to rejuvenate like deep rest. That's the only way I could really say it is deep rest, not sleep. Sleep is fine. I sleep well. I [00:15:00] sleep plenty. Although, you know, I don't take a day off, like even like Sunday, which is my day off is the day that I write my newsletter and produce my podcast.

And, you know, I, I actually at this point in time, don't have one day that is dedicat dedicated to me. Every day has something that I'm doing for whether it's my business or for my day job or. You know, even working my program, you know, all of the things, it, it's, it takes up my whole week and there isn't one day that is set aside for me, and that is my own shortcoming.

Like I did that. So I need to rediscover what it feels like to give myself time and space and prioritize myself and take care of myself. And the only way that I know how to do that right now is by setting everything down, because I've really lost my way. I, I really just need to set it all aside because I don't know what brings me joy.

I have lost my sense of joy. And[00:16:00] and there's this dullness to that. Like nothing tastes quite good. Nothing sounds quite good. There's this dullness to how I feel about myself and the world around me. There's a melancholy a cynicism. And again, all classical signs of burnout. I'm just emotionally tapped out signs of burnout, and I've been saying that I've been burnt out for years.

And so what there is to do about that is to set it all down and to take a break. So that's what this is. This is me telling you my wonderful, beautiful listener. That I am going to be taking a break, and when it's time for me to return, you'll be rehearsed to know. So in the meantime, I've got, I think, like 180 YouTube videos.

So, you know, you could go back into the archives, like, I've made so many different practice videos and different episodes of this podcast. So please feel free [00:17:00] to dip your toes into the, the content that I've created and I'm hoping that, that, you know, that lives on the internet in perpetuity. So. Take the time that you need to go through that stuff and when I feel rested and rejuvenated, I'll be back.

And in the meantime, take care of yourself. I love you. I appreciate you, and when I feel rested and strong again, I will be back here with you. And with that being said, I'll see you later.