Episode 318: Are You Too Nice As An Actor?

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Today is a podcast request. Yes! I take requests. So if you have an idea for a podcast, send me an email.

So this is a listener who wanted to talk about the idea of being too nice. 

So being too nice. She said, how often have you heard, “You're too nice.” 

I have had a few times and while I appreciate the other person's honesty and transparency, it got me thinking about the undertone behind that phrase, especially when it comes to going after what you want as an actor, performer or artist. 

In pop culture, actors can get a general reputation for being, dare I say it, self centered or too into themselves. 

But you also hear about those mostly established actors who also get the, “Oh, they're so great to work with and are so nice. What rules do you follow? What rules do you fudge a little?”

Especially if you're still trying to establish yourself as an actor. 

Does being too nice translate into being too safe? 

Is it a balance of being kind with luck? and timing. 

When someone says this, what are they communicating? 

You're not being fully honest with yourself or would be not being nice mean focusing on others, not on yourself energy.

I decided to take this subject and tackle it this week. And give five kind of points on how to navigate that being too nice, but not being stepped on as an actor and an artist.

Now, some of these things, guess what? I know big surprise. If you listen to my podcast on a regular basis, you will notice they are, some of them sound familiar. 

And the first one is just that, set clear boundaries. 

Being kind doesn't mean saying yes to everything. 

My favorite codependents out there. Are you hearing that? 

Being kind doesn't mean saying yes to everything. Clearly define your limits, and that means with yourself, such as your working hours, your ideas on a particular project, and communicate, how you would want to be communicated. 

So if somebody keeps emailing you, but you don't see it, tell them, “Hey, it would be better to text me instead.”

Now there's something else I wanted to talk about with this.

I really think that the idea of being too kind and being too, aggressive, which I'm going to get to in a minute. 

It also has to do with knowing yourself emotionally, and being emotionally self sufficient, so that your niceness doesn't overcompensate for your lack of belief in yourself.

One of the things I talk about in the weekly adjustment, which is my core work class is that I talk about how important it is to be able to get yourself out of those emotional and mental ruts or spirals so that you don't try and look to your work or to your business to fix you.

How many decades have I done that? 

So it's so essential that you set boundaries with yourself. 

I'm also going to give you a tip on if you are one of those people who just is yes. 

Memorize these words: Let me get back to you. 

I just need to check on something.

Let me get back to you. 

And then you if you think you want to say yes, you can say that sounds good, but let me get back to you. 

And if you can memorize that before saying yes, you're going to help yourself out, especially during the busy season.

Okay. Next one. Be assertive, but not aggressive. In a business meeting recently, someone said “you're very aggressive.”

And I, I literally said, “No, I'm not. I said, I'm actually assertive.” 

And then they said to me, they go, “You know what? You're right. You're assertive. You're not aggressive.” 

And I could tell that I had really thrown them for a loop because they wanted to put that, aggressive thing on me, but I wasn't being aggressive.

I was just extremely assertive. 

Stating how I felt and what I needed and ultimately in the end, they really respected that and I got a very positive result from that meeting in the end. 

Being assertive allows you to express your needs and your ideas confidently. 

But while respecting other people, I talk about in boundary setting, telling someone how you feel and what you need, but leaving the word you out, meaning you keep it with you.

It also prevents others from mistaking your kindness for weakness, which so often happens. 

Again, I want to be assertive, but all of this is tied into this valuable core work that I talk about. 

And that is that I'm not going to other people to fill my insecurity. That I am enough in and of myself.

I am able to be assertive and not overcompensate by being aggressive because, all the time through my life, I never got what I wanted, but this time I'm going to. 

Again, really using I when you're being assertive. Use the I statement. Keep it with you again. State how you feel and what you need, but leave the word you out and keep it with I. 

Okay, tip number three in the balancing the too nice with with, being I don't know not nice. Or, no no asserting yourself. Is align generosity with strategy. 

When you offer someone value, what that does is it builds goodwill.

And that also should align with your values and your goals. 

It's that idea that Brian Cranston talks about in his book. It's about dropping off the gift of your talent. So I go into an audition with the idea of, “Hey, this is how I would do it. This is how I would solve the problem of the problem, the challenge of this character. So I'm going to do it the way I see it.”

“And then, hey, if you have any adjustments or any other ideas, hey, let's play together and let's do that so that we're working on something together.” 

Avoid giving away too much of your time is something that you also want to do. 

You want to, again, give, you want to do something that mutually benefits people in this industry.

Win, win.

You need an actor to book, I'm a talented actor who can book. Not only am I good at my job, but I know I'm good at my job. 

Being Decisive Podcast

Being decisive and also being solution oriented. 

Nice people may hesitate to make tough decisions, and that's because they're worried that they might make a mistake.

If you make a mistake, you will be able to handle the consequences of that mistake. 

You will, because we are never given more than we can handle, but we are given more than we can control. 

In business, and this is show business, decisiveness earns respect. You want to be empathetic, sorry I'm having trouble speaking today, empathetic.

But you also want to be firm when, stating your boundaries or or stating your opinion. And that sometimes will involve, potential conflict.

If you are one of those people who do not like conflict, make your ears grow bigger and set up a consultation with me. We gotta get that shit sorted. Because the best acting is about conflict. 

Finally, is also holding other people accountable. 

And this means that you're not so nice that people walk all over you. 

I used to be somebody like that. And if you've only known me recently, you would find that hilariously funny. Because I'm not exactly someone who lets people walk all over them.

But OMG! did I used to be. 

Somebody would treat me poorly. I'd make an excuse of why either I deserved it or why they treated me so badly. 

I would try and justify their unjustifiable behavior.

Don't let kindness excuse unprofessional behavior from others make sure that you know when people say they're going to follow up with you that you follow up with them if they don't do so in a timely manner, you want to respect yourself and respect your timelines and respect yourself on people who you work with.

And what I mean by that is, is that if you find that someone in the business is not saying, not doing what they say they're going to do, it may be time for you to look elsewhere for someone else to fit your needs. 

With all of this, the goal is being emotionally self sufficient so that you know you.

So that you know when someone isn't treating you that you don't deserve it, and you know how to defend yourself. 

And also, you know yourself to not say that word, yes, immediately, but go back and say, let me get back to you. So that you can take some time out away from the conversation, away from the situation and really see if that thing that you're about to say yes to is right for you.