The Masculinity We Inherited… And Why It Stops Working

 

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The Masculinity We Inherited… And Why It Stops Working

Most men didn’t choose their model of masculinity.
We absorbed it—through family, culture, locker rooms, workplaces, and silence.

This episode was sparked by a long conversation between Andrew Huberman and therapist/author Terry Real about masculinity, emotional health, and relationships. What stood out wasn’t a new, flashy idea—it was language. Language for something most men feel but don’t always know how to name.

This isn’t a lecture.
It’s not political.
It’s three men thinking out loud about what works, what doesn’t, and what might actually help.

At AMG, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s practice. And we lead with curiosity over defensiveness.

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The Masculinity Model We Inherited

Most of us were taught a version of masculinity that prizes:

• Stoicism

• Self-reliance

• Emotional restraint

Vulnerability was framed—explicitly or implicitly—as weakness.

The message wasn’t always spoken, but it was clear:
Handle it. Don’t need too much. Don’t feel too much.

As Terry Real puts it (paraphrased):
Avoiding vulnerability doesn’t eliminate it—it follows you.

What That Feels Like Internally

For many men, this shows up physically before it shows up emotionally:

• A tight chest

• A clenched jaw

• Emotional narrowing

And when emotions do surface, the vocabulary is limited.
Most men were handed four options: fine, tired, stressed, or pissed.

An AMG Practice

Instead of defaulting to “I’m fine,” practice naming what’s actually there—even if it’s clumsy at first.

Reflection:
What emotions felt unsafe or unwelcome growing up?

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The Cost No One Warned Us About

The inherited model works—until it doesn’t.

Performance-based worth can drive achievement.
But achievement delivers pleasure, not relational joy.

Many men reach a confusing place where they are:

• Competent but disconnected

• Successful but quietly lonely

• Calm on the surface, angry underneath

Anger often becomes the only “allowed” emotion because it still feels powerful.

This isn’t about becoming soft.
It’s about becoming more effective and more connected.

At AMG, we don’t just name behavior—we name cost.

Reflection:

• Where has this model worked for you?

• Where has it quietly failed you?

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Redefining Strength

What if vulnerability isn’t a collapse—but a skill?

Strength isn’t the absence of discomfort.
Strength is the capacity to stay present with it.

This includes:

• Expressing needs clearly instead of controlling outcomes

• Naming truth without blame

• Allowing discomfort without shutting down

Terry Real (paraphrased):
Strength includes the capacity to identify and name our needs respectfully.

Important Distinctions

• Oversharing vs. clean honesty

• Presence vs. emotional flooding

• Vulnerability vs. losing regulation

Many men confuse control with strength—when in reality, control is often fear in disguise.

Reflection:
Where do you confuse control with strength?

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Relational Mindfulness & Healthy Distance

Relational maturity isn’t about reacting better—it’s about noticing sooner.

This means:

• Recognizing internal reactions before acting

• Taking space to regulate, not punish

• Returning to the relationship clean instead of armored

Sometimes “I need space” quietly turns into a two-day blackout.
That’s not regulation—that’s avoidance.

At AMG, the practice is simple and demanding:
Rest. Regulate. Return.

When done well, you’ll notice:

• A settling nervous system

• Reduced reactivity

• More honest connection

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Weekly Practice

This week, notice one moment when you want to shut down or get defensive.

Stay present 10 seconds longer than you normally would.

No fixing.
No explaining.
Just presence.

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Reflection Questions

• What masculinity model did you inherit?

• Where is it costing you connection?

• What would strength-as-presence look like this week?

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What’s Next

In Episode 2, we’ll explore:

• Ownership vs. self-blame

• Coping vs. numbing

• Brotherhood as a legitimate mental health strategy

Because men don’t heal in isolation—and they never have.