Authentic Men's Group podcast
Welcome to the Authentic Men's Group Podcast, where real conversations spark real change! Hosted by Brian Frizzell, Brock Frizzell, and Reid Horn—licensed therapists and certified Authentic Men's Group coaches—our podcast is a beacon for men ready to get real and have real conversations about what matters most. Based in Springfield, Missouri, and Nashville, Tennessee, our mission at AMG (Authentic Men's Group) is simple yet profound: We help men get real so they can get what they really want in life, love, and their legacy. What’s Inside ● Deep Dives into Masculinity: Each month, we explore the many aspects of modern manhood—from emotional vulnerability and authenticity to mental health, career success and failures, and relationships. Our discussions tackle topics men wrestle with but often discuss only in whispers if at all. ● Success Stories: Hear the victories and journeys of men just like you. We share real-life examples from our local and online groups, highlighting the paths of men who have embraced their authentic selves. ● Curated Knowledge: Don’t have time to sift through books and endless resources? We do it for you. We break down key insights from the latest in thought-challenging leadership resources, relationship books, mental health resources, and more that are pertinent to men's growth, saving you time and giving you the essentials to thrive. ● Real Talk: Authenticity is what we are all about. We open up about our own journeys, practicing what we preach by sharing the ups and downs of our own lives, providing you with relatable, real-world applications of our teachings. Join Our Community: Join us for our monthly podcast episodes where we confront the myths of masculinity, celebrate the progress of our AMG community members, and offer insights into using adversity as a stepping stone to personal success. This podcast isn’t just about listening—it's about transforming alongside a community of men dedicated to authenticity and vulnerability. Subscribe to the AMG Podcast today and take the first step on your journey toward authentic masculinity. Together, let’s get real and achieve what we really want!
info_outline
Why Beating Yourself Up Isn’t Making You Better
06/30/2025
Why Beating Yourself Up Isn’t Making You Better
Why Beating Yourself Up Isn’t Making You Better Rewiring the Inner Critic For most of us men, we were raised on self-esteem, (either resourceful input, or non-resourceful input) Be confident. Stand tall. Don’t screw up. Win at all costs. That’s self-esteem culture. It’s about feeling good about yourself when you’re doing well — when you’re successful, strong, admired, competent, and on your game. But the second you fall short? That’s when self-esteem gets shaky. You feel like less of a man. This is where self-compassion comes in — and most of us weren’t taught this growing up. What’s the Difference? Self-Esteem Self-esteem says: “I’m valuable because I’m good at something.” But what happens when you’re not good? When you fail? When you screw up as a dad, partner, or professional? You beat yourself up. You think you’re weak. You try harder, you push down or numb feelings, you obsess, or you isolate. Self-Compassion Self-compassion says: “Even when I mess up, I still matter.” It’s not about lowering your standards or letting yourself off the hook. It’s about treating yourself like you would treat a friend. You don’t rip him to shreds when he’s struggling — you encourage him. You support him. You give him a chance to recover and rise. Why This Matters for Men A lot of men stay stuck in silence because they think they have to “man up” through every failure. We’re told emotions make us soft. That kindness toward ourselves is weakness. But the truth? Beating ourselves into the ground never made us better — it just made us more disconnected, more numb, and more alone. Self-compassion isn’t soft. It’s strength with grace. It’s resilience over shame. It’s authenticity without self-hate. We often refuse to use self-compassion because we think it’s lazy or we will lose motivation if we let ourselves off the hook. So Which One Should You Build? Both. But start with self-compassion. Because when your confidence fails, your self-worth shouldn’t. Confidence is built on success. Compassion is built for failing. And you’re going to need both. 🔎 What Is Self-Esteem? Self-esteem is how we evaluate our own worth. It answers the question: “Do I feel like I’m enough?” High self-esteem = feeling competent, worthy, and capable. Low self-esteem = feeling like you don’t measure up. 🔬 How Self-Esteem Is Created (Backed by Research) 1. Early Childhood Messages Where it starts: Family, school, and culture Key research: – Baumeister (1999) showed that early praise, criticism, and expectations shape our self-worth. – Kids praised for effort tend to build resilient self-esteem. – However, Kids praised only for outcomes (e.g., trophies, grades) build fragile self-esteem. Real-world example (for men): If your dad only complimented you when you won — not when you worked hard — you learned that performance and winning equals worth. So when you’re not winning as an adult (job, money, gym), you may feel like you’re failing at life. 2. Social Comparison Where it grows: Friends, teammates, peers Key research: – Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory (1954) says we evaluate ourselves by comparing to others. – If we come out “ahead,” self-esteem goes up. If we fall short, it drops. Example: In high school, if you were the top athlete or smartest guy, you probably had solid self-esteem. But now as a grown man, if you scroll Instagram and see other men with better bodies, bigger houses, or better careers— it chips away at how you see yourself. 3. Achievement & Competence Where it’s reinforced: Career, hobbies, skills Key research: – Maslow and Erikson both emphasized competence (mastery, achieving goals) as crucial to self-esteem. – Success boosts esteem, but failing and recovering builds it more deeply. Example: When you fix something around the house, close a deal, or lead your family through a challenge — you feel more like a man. That earned respect (from self and others) feeds lasting self-esteem. 4. Feedback from Others Where it’s reflected: Partners, mentors, coaches Key research: – Coopersmith (1967) found that men who felt loved and respected by authority figures (especially fathers) had higher self-esteem. – Ongoing feedback — especially constructive — helps refine a healthy self-image. If the people around us are operating from the self-esteem model (and they are) then we will get feedback that encourages focusing on a focus on our self worth from external achievements. Example: A coach who told you, “You’ve got what it takes” or a mentor who challenged you while still believing in you — those messages stick. Same with a partner who has aspirations to be successful in life. 5. Internal Narrative Where it lives now: Self-talk and core beliefs Key research: – Cognitive Behavioral Theory (Beck, 1976) shows that internal thoughts shape emotions and self-worth. – Men who develop a self-narrative of “I’m not enough” tend to sabotage relationships, success, and growth. We crack the whip to hedge against any negative feedback we may receive. If I beat myself up before you do it won’t hurt as bad. We hold ourselves to high standard to hopefully prove our worth so our self talk becomes harsh ig like a drill sergeant. It is important to acknowledge what makes us happy and pursue those things. If we value smarts it will make us happy when we learn. Knowing what makes us happy is important, it's just not meant to be pursued relentlessly. Happiness is a bi-product not the solution. Example: If you grew up thinking “I’m only valuable if I provide,” then losing a job or struggling financially can feel like a personal failure, not just a setback. Rewriting that story is key to building better self-esteem. 🔁 The Problem with Chasing Self-Esteem Alone Most men tie self-esteem to external things — status, money, performance, sex, image. But those things aren’t stable. When they crash, so does your sense of worth. That’s why self-compassion is critical — it protects your value even when self-esteem takes a hit. The Pitfalls of Self-Esteem Contingency: Neff argues self-esteem is often contingent on success, appearance, or approval. Fragility: High self-esteem can crumble when we fail or face criticism. Narcissism and comparison: Self-esteem sometimes leads to needing to feel better than others. Quote from Neff: “The need to feel superior to others is a sure path to insecurity and isolation.” ⚒️ Practical Tools to Build Stronger Self-Esteem Set and crush micro-goals – success fuels belief Goals are set with motivation, not shame. Speak up – voice your thoughts even if it’s uncomfortable Track your progress, not perfection Do hard things on purpose – it builds earned pride Watch your inner critic – challenge the story 🧭 What Is Self-Compassion? Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same care, patience, and respect you’d give a friend or brother — especially when you fall short. It’s not soft. It’s not an excuse. It’s strength under pressure. While self-esteem says, “I’m valuable because I’m winning,” self-compassion says, “I am going to give my all and even when I lose, I still matter.” 🔬 How Self-Compassion Is Created (Backed by Research) 1. Modeled Nurturing & Emotional Support Where it starts: Childhood experiences of comfort and love. Key research: – Dr. Kristin Neff, pioneer of self-compassion research, shows that kids who experience warmth and emotional attunement are more likely to develop self-kindness. – Lack of comfort or emotional connection = men grow up thinking harshness = strength. Example (for men): If your dad or coach told you to “suck it up” instead of “I get that this hurts,” you likely internalized the idea that self-kindness is weakness. As a man, it now feels foreign to give yourself grace. 2. Emotional Literacy & Awareness Where it grows: Therapy, group work, healthy relationships Key research: – Neff’s Self-Compassion Scale identifies mindfulness as one core component — noticing pain without ignoring or exaggerating it. Self-Compassion Assessment Link: – Men who build emotional literacy (naming, feeling, and managing emotions) are more equipped for compassion. Example: You screw up at work. Most guys either rage internally or numb out. A self-compassionate man notices the shame, breathes, and says: “Yeah, that sucked. But I’m human. I’ll handle it, learn and do better next time.” 3. Failure Without Shame Where it’s forged: Struggle, mistakes, setbacks Key research: – Neff and Germer (2013) found that men who responded to failures with understanding instead of self-criticism were more resilient, less anxious, and more motivated. – Self-compassion builds grit — not laziness. Example: You get divorced. Old programming says: “You’re a failure as a man.” Self-compassion says: “You’re hurting. This isn’t the end of you — it’s a chapter. What do you want to learn from it?” 4. Common Humanity > Isolation Where it solidifies: Community, shared vulnerability Key research: – Self-compassion involves recognizing that you’re not the only one struggling. – Shame says, “I’m broken.” – Compassion says, “I’m human.” “Everyone chokes. Everyone doubts. This doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human.” hearing others struggle and you are a good-man (without qualifiers). Example: You open up in a men’s group about how you’re failing as a dad. Instead of hiding in guilt, you hear another guy say, “Me too, man.” That moment — right there — is where compassion lives and shame dies. 5. Rewiring Your Inner Voice Where it lives now: Daily self-talk Key research: – CBT + mindfulness studies show that men can rewire their internal dialogue by practicing supportive, realistic thoughts. – It’s not fake positivity — it’s choosing respect over ridicule. Practical Tools and Practices (from Neff’s book) Self-compassion break: short guided pause during moments of struggle. Practice: When we fail, use Neff’s self-compassion break: “This is a moment of difficulty. What am I feeling right now?” “Difficulty is part of the human experience.” “May I be kind to myself in this moment.” “What would I say to a friend right now?” Journaling with self-kindness. Rewriting self-critical thoughts from a compassionate voice. Meditation and mindfulness practices. Tie this to performance by reframing failure as feedback—not as evidence of inadequacy. The “Inner Coach” vs. the “Inner Critic” Practice: Write a letter from your inner critic, then rewrite it from your inner coach—firm but kind. Peak Performance Relevance: Harsh self-talk increases cortisol and fear of failure; compassionate coaching improves focus and resilience under pressure. Example: Old voice: “You idiot. Why can’t you get it right?” Compassionate voice: “That didn’t go well — but you’ve bounced back before. You’ll figure this out.” 🚨 Why Men Resist Self-Compassion We confuse it with weakness We were taught to fix, not feel We fear losing our edge We feel it’s self-indulgement We think it reduces motivation Contrast with Neff’s research that shows self-compassion increases motivation, reduces procrastination, and supports long-term well-being. But studies show the opposite: Men who practice self-compassion are more motivated, less burned out, and more emotionally available — without losing strength or drive. (Neff, 2011) ⚒️ How to Build Self-Compassion (Practically) Name your pain – don’t minimize it Talk to yourself like a trusted friend Allow mistakes without identity collapse Write down what you’d say to your younger self Practice saying: “This is hard, but I’m not alone” Understand that failure is and event, not a person. The Benefits of Self-Compassion Unconditional kindness: Self-compassion isn’t dependent on success or worthiness. Resilience: It helps us bounce back from failure because we’re not attacking ourselves. Connection: Recognizing shared human experience instead of feeling alone in our suffering. Three Elements of Self-Compassion (Neff’s Framework) Self-kindness vs. self-judgment Common humanity vs. isolation Mindfulness vs. over-identification - mindful positive affirmations Zig Ziglar believed in forgiveness and the ability to learn from failure, which aligns with self-compassion’s core ideas. 🔁 Self-Esteem vs. Self-Compassion (Side by Side) Self-Esteem Self-Compassion Based on Success, achievement Acceptance, resilience Triggered by Praise, wins, comparison Struggle, failure, emotional discomfort Focus “How good am I?” “How can I support myself right now?” Stability Fragile (when things go wrong) Stable (even in failure) Key message “I am good because I did well.” “I am worthy even when I fall short.”
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/37223890
info_outline
Shame - The Silent Weight Most Men Carry
05/29/2025
Shame - The Silent Weight Most Men Carry
7 Common Signs You’re Feeling Shame as a Man Most men don’t like to look in the mirror—not the one in the bathroom, but the one that shows us what’s going on inside. We’re raised with messages like: You can’t change the past. Just move on. Don’t dwell. And on the surface, that sounds like wisdom. But underneath, it keeps a lot of us from practicing self-reflection… because we’re not just afraid of guilt. We’re afraid of shame. See, guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.” One leads to responsibility and growth. The other shuts us down and keeps us stuck. In today’s episode, we’re talking about the difference between guilt and shame and the common signs that you maybe struggling with Shame. If you’ve ever replayed a moment on loop, avoided someone because of how you felt, or carried the quiet weight of not feeling “good enough,” this one’s for you. You can’t change the past, but you can own it. And when you own it, you start to change your future. So let’s dive in! Shame vs. Guilt (Quick Distinction) Guilt Shame “I did something bad.” “You can do better. Step up.” Can fuel action: apologies, new decisions Can be a catalyst for growth “I am bad.” “You are not enough and unworthy” Anchored in fear, hesitation, self-sabatoge Stifles momentum and vulnerability Focuses on behavior Focuses on identity; our ‘being’ Can motivate change Can lead to hiding or self-loathing Feeling shame as a man can be hard to recognize because many men are conditioned to suppress or mislabel it. Instead of identifying it as “shame,” they might call it stress, anger, weakness, or failure. Here’s how to tell if what you’re experiencing might actually be shame: You feel like you’re “not enough” Thoughts like “I’m a failure,” “I’ll never measure up,” or “I’m not a good man” are rooted in shame. You may feel like you don’t deserve love, success, or respect. Example: You forget your kid’s school event and beat yourself up all day, telling yourself, “I’m such a terrible father. I can’t get anything right.” You isolate yourself You avoid friends, partners, or family because you don’t want to be “seen.” Shame often makes us hide—physically and emotionally. Example: A friend invites you to grab dinner after work. You say no—not because you’re busy, but because you’re feeling low and don’t want anyone to see you in that state. You get angry or defensive quickly Instead of saying “I feel embarrassed,” shame might trigger you to lash out or shut down. Anger is often a mask for shame. Example: Your partner says, “I miss talking with you.” You snap back, “Well, I’m always working to support this family—what more do you want?” You feel exposed, so you react with anger You obsess over being “strong” or “successful” If your identity is tied to performance, status, or stoicism, failure in those areas can trigger deep shame. You might fear being seen as weak or “less of a man.” Example: You injure your back but refuse to take a break from work or admit pain. Inside, you think, “If I stop, I’m weak. I have to keep pushing no matter what You feel emotionally numb Shame can lead to disconnection from your own feelings. You might say “I don’t know what I feel” or feel nothing at all. It’s a way to avoid the pain of being judged or exposed. Example: You receive bad news—your friend is going through a tough time—but you brush it off, saying, “That sucks,” and change the subject. You feel disconnected from the impact. You replay past mistakes in your mind If you constantly ruminate on things you regret or cringe at moments from your past, shame is likely involved. You may even punish yourself mentally for those mistakes. Example: You keep thinking about a breakup from years ago, wondering what you did wrong, convinced you’re unlovable. Even though you’re in a new relationship, you can’t let go You avoid vulnerability or asking for help Shame tells you that needing others is weak. You may think, “I should be able to handle this on my own.” Example: You’re overwhelmed with life, but when your brother asks how you’re doing, you say, “All good, just busy,” even though you’re struggling with depression and know you need support What You Can Do Name it: Simply saying “This feels like shame” begins to take its power away. Talk to someone safe: A friend, mentor, coach, or therapist can help you process it without judgment. Practice Being Kind & Curious with Yourself: See Shame as a way your system is trying to protect you, and then be curious about what it is trying to protect you from. Challenge the belief: Ask, “Is it true that I’m not enough?” or “Where did I learn that this makes me unworthy?” Confront the shame at the root of the behavior. Radical honesty. Speak the truth. Know that you are good, even with flaws and imperfections.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/36769730
info_outline
Boundaries vs. Requests In Our Circles of Relationships
04/28/2025
Boundaries vs. Requests In Our Circles of Relationships
Using Boundaries in Every Circle of Relationship Healthy relationships are built on respect, understanding, and trust. At the core of maintaining these elements are boundaries—clear lines we draw to protect our well-being. The Circle of Relationships model by Brian Frizzell offers a helpful visual to identify the depth and nature of our connections. When we combine this with a clear understanding of boundaries and requests, we gain powerful insight into how to handle different types of relationships with clarity and self-respect. Recap: Setting a boundary is knowing, checking, and clearly stating what you need to stay healthy and authentic in a relationship, backed by the action you’ll take if that need isn’t respected. A request is when you ask someone else to change their behavior. They have the right to say yes or no. A boundary isn’t a request. → A request asks someone else to change. → A boundary is how you will act if they don’t. Requests can be declined. → Example: “Can you turn off your phone at dinner?” (Request) → “If the phone stays on, I’ll step away.” (Boundary) Boundaries are not about control. → You can’t force a behavior from others. → You can control the use of your energy, time, and resources by your response. Boundaries protect your ability to be authentic. → When you go beyond your limits, you lose yourself. → Boundaries help you stay grounded in your values. They’re not walls—they’re clarity. → Boundaries invite a healthy connection with you, not distance. → They teach others how to be in a healthy relationship with you. Real strength is knowing your limits— the amount of energy, time, and resources we have to give to a person or a situation—and honoring them. Let’s walk through how to use boundaries, not just requests, in each of the seven relationship circles: 1. Source (Inner Self) This is your relationship with yourself and your relationship to Spirituality or Higher Power—your values, identity, and purpose. Boundary: “I will not allow external validation to define my self-worth.” Here, boundaries are about internal integrity. It’s choosing to listen to your own voice rather than external noise. Other examples: Boundary: I have set times this week that I will workout and meditate. And I will treat these times as non-negotiables. Request: I hope I will workout and meditate some this week. Boundary: when listening to, and reflecting upon, my internal self talk, I will refute negative thoughts and counter them with positive, truthful “I am“ statements Request: I wish I would stop talking to myself like that. 2. Intimate (Spouse/Sexual Partner) Deepest emotional and physical connection. Vulnerability is at its peak. Boundary: “If you speak to me in a demeaning way, I will pause the conversation until respect is restored.” This is not a request for better behavior; it’s a decision about what you will do to maintain dignity in high-intimacy situations. Other examples: Boundary: “If we make plans and you cancel last minute without explanation, I’ll choose not to make plans with you for a while.” Why it’s a boundary: It’s a consequence you set and control to protect your time and emotional investment. Request: “Can you let me know ahead of time if you need to cancel plans?” Why it’s a request: You’re asking for consideration, but it depends on their willingness. 3. Select Few (Close Friends or Siblings) Trusted emotional bonds without sexuality. Boundary: “I won’t engage in gossip or conversations that violate someone else’s trust.” With close friends, boundaries protect both your values and the relationship’s integrity. Other examples: Boundary: I will only share vulnerably with you if you have earned my trust and keep my trust. Request: please don’t share my secrets with others. 4. Few (Friends, Extended Family, Associates) People we share life events with—weddings, reunions, group activities. Boundary: “I won’t stay in conversations where I feel dismissed or mocked.” These relationships benefit from boundaries that maintain mutual respect in social contexts. Other Examples: Boundary: “If conversations with you always turn negative, I’ll choose to limit how often we talk.” This boundary protects your mental space. Request: “Can we keep our conversation more positive today?” Boundary: “ if the only time you’re going to call me is when you need me to do something for you, then I’m going to give you space and stop taking your calls” Request: “ I desire to have more interactive time with you then only when I can be of service to you. Can we connect without having to perform sometime soon?” 5. Mandatory (Work, School, Responsibilities) Obligatory connections; we don’t choose these people. Boundary: “I will only answer work messages during work hours.” These boundaries preserve your time, energy, and prevent burnout. You enforce them, regardless of others’ preferences. Other examples: Boundary: “I won’t respond to work messages after 6 PM.” This is a clear, actionable limit on your part. Request: “Could you try to send messages during business hours?” Boundary: “if you continue to converse with me in an unprofessional and disrespectful way, then I will choose to table this conversation until we can return to communicating in a civil and honorable “ Request: “please communicate with me in a positive and professional manner” 6. Peripheral (Adversaries, Codependent Connections) People kept at emotional distance, often for safety. Boundary: “I will not engage in personal topics with this person.” With emotionally risky people, strong, clear boundaries are crucial. You don’t request their respect; you enforce your space. Other examples: Boundary: “I won’t engage with you one-on-one. I’ll only speak in group settings or with a third party present.” It controls the terms of interaction. Request: “Can we try to be civil when we see each other?” 7. Temporal (Objects or Coping Mechanisms) Involvements with things (e.g., drugs, shopping, media) that substitute for relationships. Boundary: “I won’t turn to alcohol when I’m emotionally overwhelmed.” This is where self-discipline becomes a boundary—a line drawn between coping and self-destruction. Other examples: Boundary: I will show myself grace and seek to understand what need I am looking for when I go to porn or other coping mechanisms. Request: I will try not to look at porn. Boundaries vs. Requests: Know the Difference According to the “Boundaries vs. Requests” guide: Boundaries are about you. You control them, enforce them, and live by them. Requests depend on others. You can ask, but you must accept their right to say no. In every ring of the relationship circle, boundaries serve as your protective framework. Requests might supplement your communication, but boundaries define your emotional safety. Final Thoughts Not every relationship deserves the same level of access to you. The closer the circle, the more intimacy—and the more important your boundaries become. Respect starts when you commit and flow through with the relationships that matter, not when you wait for others to respect it for you. Respect yourself first—and the rest will follow.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/36344045
info_outline
How To Say No (Boundaries vs. Requests)
03/31/2025
How To Say No (Boundaries vs. Requests)
What the Heck is a Boundary? A boundary isn’t just a rule—it’s a way to identify, communicate, and maintain the environment you need to be the person you want to be. Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people. They’re about controlling your space and how you respond to what happens in it. 🏡 Fence Analogy: Think of a boundary like a fence around your house. You’ve got a walkway up to the front door—that’s how you do relationships with me. That’s the space I’ve clearly defined where I invite people into my life. Now, let’s say someone jumps my fence, walks around to the back, and starts banging on my window—I’m not going to be friendly. That’s a boundary violation. A boundary is saying, ‘If you want to be in my life, here’s how you enter. If you break in, don’t expect a warm welcome. Boundaries and requests are not the same thing. 🚧 Boundaries: What You Control A boundary is about you. It’s about what you will or won’t tolerate and how you respond when it’s crossed. You don’t need permission to set a boundary. You enforce it. Example: "I don’t engage in raised-voice discussions. If it gets loud, I step away." 🙋♂️ Requests: What You Hope for A request is asking someone else to change their behavior. And here’s the catch: they can say no. Example: "Hey, could you lower your voice when we argue?" (That’s a request.) "I don’t do raised-voice discussions. If it happens, I’ll remove myself." (That’s a boundary.) If you keep making the same request and it keeps getting ignored, it’s probably time for a boundary. Men Struggle with Boundaries Most men don’t set boundaries because they don’t want to be ‘that guy.’ They don’t want to seem demanding or make things awkward. So instead of setting a boundary, they make requests… and then get mad when those requests are ignored. How to Actually Set Boundaries: Setting a boundary that actually works: Identify what you need. ("I need calm discussions.") State the boundary clearly. ("If the conversation turns aggressive, I’ll walk away.") Follow through. (Actually walk away.) The Key Rule: If you don’t enforce it, it’s not a boundary—it’s a suggestion. Takeaways: What’s one area of your life where you keep making requests when you really need to set a boundary? Think about a time you got frustrated because someone ignored your needs. Did you set a boundary, or were you just making requests? At work? In your relationship? With friends? Where do you keep hoping someone will change instead of taking action? Boundaries aren’t for them. They’re for you. They protect your peace, your energy, and your sanity. Listener Challenge: This week, take one ignored request and turn it into a boundary. Follow through, and see what happens. Write down one situation where you’ve been frustrated by someone’s behavior. Is it a request or a boundary? Take a second. What’s one area in your life where you feel drained, disrespected, or frustrated? That’s probably where a boundary needs to go. Shoot us a message in AMG, share your experience, and let’s keep growing together.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/35944245
info_outline
Cracking The Coping Code
02/28/2025
Cracking The Coping Code
Cracking The Coping Code Do you wish you could quit your unhealthy coping mechanisms or bad habits? Many of us find ourselves trapped in cycles of behavior that don't serve us well. Whether it's substance abuse, avoidance, negative self-talk, excessive screen time, emotional eating, isolation, procrastination, overworking, or aggression, porn, these coping mechanisms are familiar yet unhelpful tools we often use to self-soothe. It's crucial to remember that resorting to these habits doesn't make us bad people; it's merely our way of attempting to regulate our distressing emotions. Think of an animal licking its wounds. Initially, it promotes healing, but prolonged licking can worsen the injury. Similarly, our coping mechanisms may provide temporary relief, but they can exacerbate the underlying issues over time. Understanding the Problem: Coping mechanisms are often seen as habits to eliminate. We know they're not beneficial, yet we repeatedly return to them, seeking that fleeting sense of relief or numbness. Afterward, the real issue remains, and we wonder why our efforts to change these habits have failed. Have you ever tried to change your habits through sheer discipline, only to end up feeling guilty and ashamed? For me, discipline became synonymous with these distressing feelings. I've since redefined discipline to simply mean "showing up." It doesn't mean doing the right thing every time but being present and aware. Even addictions are coping mechanisms that are trying to meet a legitimate need(s) but in an unhealthy way. We need a healthy balance of coping mechanisms and long-term solutions. The problem comes when we trick ourselves into thinking that the coping skills are long-term solutions. Why Trying Harder Doesn’t Work: Efforts to simply "try harder" often lead us back to the very habits we're trying to escape. This approach isn't sustainable, and it can make us feel worse, driving us back to our unwanted coping mechanisms. The Unique Solution: The transformation begins with an "aha!" moment: realizing that coping mechanisms are attempts to recalibrate our mind, body, and soul. When we resort to coping, it's a signal that we're out of alignment with our true, authentic selves. Rather than viewing these mechanisms as enemies, we can approach them with compassion and curiosity. Without them, we might cause more harm to our well-being. Here’s a process to help you address and transform your coping mechanisms: 1. Identify- Name the Habit & Recognize Its Purpose Instead of just labeling your coping mechanism as “bad,” recognize that it serves a purpose. It’s trying to meet a need. The first step is to identify the behavior and understand what it’s helping you cope with. Action Step: Write down the top 1-2 coping mechanisms you want to change. Then, answer these questions: Where does your brain want you to go when you feel distressing emotions (what coping mechanism do you want to run to?) When do I usually engage in this habit? (Time of day, location, situation) What triggers it? (Stress, boredom, loneliness, anger, fatigue, etc.) What relief does it provide in the moment? (Escape, comfort, numbness, energy boost, etc.) Key Insight: Your coping mechanism isn’t random. It’s trying to solve a problem. 2. Reflect- Get Curious About the “Why” Our coping habits often mask deeper distressing emotions, unmet needs, and potentially neglected wounds. Before you can change a behavior, you need to understand what’s really driving it. Action Step: Journal about these two questions: What thoughts or emotions usually come up before I engage in this habit? What am I actually needing in this moment? (Connection, rest, validation, control, security, self-compassion, etc.) Example: If you scroll on your phone late at night, is it because you’re avoiding stress, craving connection, or struggling with loneliness? The more you understand, the easier it becomes to make lasting change. 3. Pause & Reframe- Shift from Judgment to Curiosity Before automatically engaging in your usual coping mechanism, pause and ask yourself: What emotion am I feeling right now? What do I actually need? (Attention? Rest? A break? Reassurance?) Action Step: Keep a Curiosity Log for 30 days. Each time you catch yourself engaging in your coping mechanism, write down: What happened before you did it (the trigger). What you were feeling. How you felt afterward. Key Insight: This will reveal patterns and help you see whether your habit is actually serving you or just postponing deeper healing or change that needs to occur. 4. Replace- Choose a Healthier & More Authentic Alternative Now that you understand what needs your coping habit is trying to meet and you have a kinder and more curious perspective on coping mechanisms, you can evaluate and make sure that your coping mechanisms are more authentic to the person you want to be. Action Step: Create a “Healthy Coping Menu” with 3-5 alternative strategies that align with your values. If you cope through avoidance (procrastination, excessive screen time, etc.): Alternative: Set a 10-minute timer and just start. Action reduces anxiety. Alternative: Break tasks into micro-steps and reward progress. If you cope through emotional eating: Alternative: Pause, take three deep breaths, and check if you’re physically hungry or emotionally overwhelmed. Alternative: Call a friend, journal, or go for a short walk before making a food choice. If you cope through isolation: Alternative: Set a small social goal (send a text, call one person, or plan a meetup). Alternative: Engage in an activity that fosters connection, like a hobby or volunteering. If you cope through aggression (outbursts, self-criticism, irritability): Alternative: Use a physical outlet (exercise, deep breathing, walking). Alternative: Write down your thoughts before reacting and ask, “What’s the deeper emotion here?” Key Insight: The key isn’t just stopping a habit. It’s finding a better, healthier way to meet the same underlying need. 5. Thrive- Shift from Coping to Thriving Coping skills help you manage stress in the moment, but they aren’t long-term solutions. If you find yourself repeatedly relying on coping, it’s a sign something deeper needs to change. The real goal isn’t just to cope better. It’s to create a life where you don’t have to cope as much in the first place. Action Step: Identify, Adjust, and Grow Identify the Root Cause – What’s Driving Your Unhealthy Coping? Make a list of the stressors in your life that you find yourself coping with. Be specific; understanding the real problem is the first step toward meaningful change. Make Small but Meaningful Adjustments – What’s One Realistic Change? Instead of just managing stress with coping, adjust the conditions that are creating stress in the first place. Maintain Healthy Coping While Implementing Change – Support Yourself Through the Process Instead of simply eliminating an unhealthy coping mechanism, replace it with a coping mechanism that aligns with the person you want to become. Then, allow yourself to use that healthy coping strategy as needed while actively working toward a long-term solution that addresses the need to cope to begin with. Recap: We have explored the pervasive nature of unhealthy coping mechanisms and how they often become entrenched habits that offer only temporary relief from underlying issues. These mechanisms, which include substance abuse, avoidance, negative self-talk, and more, are not signs of personal failure but rather attempts to self-soothe and regulate emotions. The key to transformation lies in shifting our perspective. Instead of viewing these habits as enemies to be eradicated through sheer willpower and discipline, we should approach them with compassion and curiosity. Recognizing that these mechanisms signal a disconnect from our authentic selves allows us to address the root causes of our distress. Remember: Coping is a tool, not a solution. Instead of just managing stress, change the conditions that create it. Long-term change comes from small, intentional shifts in how you live, work, and relate to others. You don’t just want to “cope better,” but you want to build a life where you don’t have to cope so much in the first place. By approaching your coping mechanisms with curiosity and compassion, you'll begin to uncover the real issues and embark on a journey toward healthier habits and emotional alignment. Resource:
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/35482945
info_outline
The Vulnerability Myth (Part 3)
12/19/2024
The Vulnerability Myth (Part 3)
Developing Emotional Autonomy in Relationships How do we navigate this vulnerability? By building emotional Autonomy. This means taking ownership of your emotions—understanding them, and managing them. It’s about knowing yourself and being responsible for your emotional state rather than numbing out or blaming others. Emotional Autonomy vs. Emotional Immaturity: Emotional Immaturity: “You made me feel this way.” / “I’m fine” (when it’s not true). Emotional Autonomy: “I feel this way. It’s okay to feel this. I’m going to own this emotion and use my resources to support myself. So I can show up as my best self in all my relationships.” Steps to Emotional Autonomy : Be curious & Non-Judgmental while Identifying body sensations, emotions, and feelings. Communicate and explore these feelings with a trusted support system. Own your emotional well-being—stop blaming others for how you feel. Take proactive steps to work through distressing emotions. What does it look like to practice emotional autonomy in each circle of relationships? Circle #1 Relationship: Self This is where we discover self. It is internal and eternal. It is the basis of creativity and resourcefulness. It is here we discover the purpose and passion of existence. It is where inspiration can be found. It is the spring of self-love, acceptance, value and authenticity. Circle #2 Relationship: Intimate This is where we express our deepest self in the deepest way. This is the relationship of closest vulnerability and authenticity. This intimacy will find expression in sexuality. (i.e. spouse, sexual partner) Circle #3 Relationship: Select Few This relationship involves individuals to whom there is the deepest bond and devotion. It is a relationship that experiences sincere vulnerability and validity without sexuality. It establishes earnest trust (i.e. close sibling, dearest friends...) Circle #4 Relationship: Few These are relationships we do life with. There is association at mutually connected events like reunions, weddings, funerals, interest groups, (i.e. friendships, family, extended family, associates) Circle #5 Relationship: Mandatory These are the relationships we do because we have to. They are the associations that revolve around our ‘to do’ list. There is usually a common purpose or goal for the association. (i.e. Work and necessary commitments) Circle #6 Relationship: Peripheral These are people we keep at arms length for one of two reasons: one, these people have hurt us before and would probably do it again given a chance or two, these people need something every time they make contact. These are (i.e. adversaries, acquaintances, codependent relationships, service clubs) Circle #7 Relationship: Temporal This is the stuff of life. In this circle are the things that 100 years from now will have no value to us and 10 years from now will not mean as much as they do today. These are the houses, the cars and the toys of life. They also encompass things that we can get comfort from that have the potential to form addictions (food, drugs, alcohol, pornography, …)
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/34536965
info_outline
The Vulnerability Myth (Part 2)
11/22/2024
The Vulnerability Myth (Part 2)
Emotional Autonomy is about owning your emotions and managing them in a way that strengthens your relationship with yourself without harming others in the process. It's learning to take responsibility for what you feel and working through those emotions in a healthy, constructive way that respects both your well-being and the well-being of those around you. Autonomy involves having the freedom and capacity to act according to one's own principles, values, and interests while taking responsibility for the consequences of those actions. In essence, autonomy is about self-determination, self-direction, and the capacity to shape one’s own life and decisions with a sense of personal agency and authenticity. Emotional Autonomy is the practice of understanding your feelings, regulating them, and taking full responsibility for how you respond to them. It’s not enough to just “not feel numb”—that’s survival mode. Emotional Autonomy means diving into your inner world, understanding what’s going on, and learning to navigate your emotions instead of suppressing them or avoiding the discomfort they bring. It’s about stopping the blame game. Too often, we expect others to change so we can feel better: “You made me feel this way.” That kind of thinking gives away your power and keeps you stuck. Real growth happens when you own your emotions and choose to work through them, even when it’s hard. It means admitting where you might have been wrong and learning how to take responsibility for your emotional well-being. Emotional Immaturity: “You made me feel this way.” “I don’t know why I feel this way.” “I’m fine.” (When it’s not true.) Emotional Autonomy : “I was curious about my emotions. I discovered that I feel this way, and that’s okay. I’m going to own this emotion and use my resources to support myself through it.” “What emotions do you often suppress? What’s one small step you can take today to acknowledge and own that feeling?” Balancing Vulnerability and Assertiveness “Balancing vulnerability and strength means integrating both. It’s not either or it’s both and.” Think about how truly hard it is to share your dark secrets, you know the ones that only you know about yourself. Now imagine telling someone these things. Seems pretty terrifying doesn’t it. That’s why I say being vulnerable in a safe environment is one of the strongest things we can do. Key Points: Be aware of your emotions and why they’re arising. Communicate with clarity, staying assertive but not defensive. Build a support network beyond your partner—friends, mentors, groups—to help process emotions and challenges. Practical Steps for Emotional Autonomy : Step 1: Be Curious and Non-Judgmental: “Identify what’s happening in your body. Notice physical sensations, emotions, and reactions.” Step 2: Communicate and Explore: “Share your emotions with a trusted support system. Don’t bottle them up.” Step 3: Own Your Emotions: “Avoid blaming others. Take responsibility by saying, ‘I feel this way,’ instead of ‘You made me feel this way.’” Step 4: Take Action: “Engage in self-care activities and proactive strategies to manage distressing emotions.”
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/34107131
info_outline
The Vulnerability Myth (Part 1)
10/31/2024
The Vulnerability Myth (Part 1)
The Vulnerability Myth (Part 1) Let’s face it— dating and relationships can be a minefield for men. On one side, we’re told to open up, be vulnerable, and share our emotions. But when we do, the response isn’t always what we expect. Sometimes, it’s met with anger, confusion, or even panic. Other times, it feels like the person across from us wants to jump in and fix our problems as if we can’t handle them ourselves. It’s a tricky balance. Here’s the truth: being emotionally aware and understanding how to regulate our feelings is critical for men. But vulnerability alone isn’t a magic key that unlocks deeper relationships or solves all our problems. In fact, without the right understanding and approach, vulnerability can create more confusion, leaving us and our partners feeling lost. So, in today’s episode, we’re diving into what it really means to be vulnerable as a man in today’s world—how to find that balance between strength and openness, and why emotional awareness is the foundation for real, healthy connection. We’ll bust some myths, share some stories, and give you practical steps to navigate this space with confidence. Let’s get into it. So what is the Vulnerability Myth? Reid’s Setup of the Vulnerability Myth : The "Vulnerability Myth" tells us that if men just open up, share their emotions, and show vulnerability to their partner, they’ll automatically be seen as good men, and magically, all their problems will disappear. But here’s the truth: vulnerability alone isn’t a magic wand. It’s important, yes—but it’s only part of the equation. When your partner asks you to be more vulnerable, they aren’t looking for you to fix every problem in your relationship. What they really want is to know that you’re aware of your inner world and that you can manage your emotions in a healthy way. They want to see you not just feeling things but moving through those emotions with intention—whether that’s through self-care, leaning on your support system, or simply knowing when to take a step back. Ultimately, a man who understands what he’s feeling and knows how to navigate those emotions with the right tools and a supportive community becomes someone who feels steady and trustworthy—someone who is both safe and desirable as a partner. As Connor Beaton puts it, “A man who is not aware of his emotional state, denies it, or cannot control his emotions when they arise, is seen as a potential danger, weak, and a threat—not only to himself but to his family, his partner, and women in general.” “Vulnerability, when met with misunderstanding or negativity, can do more harm than good.” “Men often feel encouraged to open up but then face emotional responses from their partners that push them away. It creates a cycle of disconnection.” Reflection: “Have you ever felt pressured to be vulnerable but didn’t know how or felt punished when you tried? How have these experiences shaped your view on vulnerability?” Myths About Vulnerability Myth 1: Vulnerability is a Weakness “Vulnerability is an act of courage, not weakness. It’s about showing up despite uncertainty and risk.” Myth 2: Men Don’t Do Vulnerability “Our lives are full of uncertainty and emotional exposure. Leaning into these dynamics is the essence of vulnerability.” Myth 3: I Can Go It Alone “Humans are wired for connection. Belonging is crucial for our mental well-being, and groups like AMG provide that space.” Myth 4: Trust Comes Before Vulnerability “Trust and vulnerability go hand-in-hand. Vulnerability fosters trust when done with intention.” Myth 5: Vulnerability is Disclosing Everything to Everyone “True vulnerability requires discernment. Without boundaries, it becomes manipulation or oversharing.” I love this statement by Brene’ Brown. If we are sharing vulnerabilities just for the sake of sharing, then maybe we have an ulterior motive.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/33737872
info_outline
Shadow Work & The Enneagram (Part 3)
08/29/2024
Shadow Work & The Enneagram (Part 3)
What is “Shadow Work”? Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable. This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity. Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life. The Enneagram and Shadow Work The Enneagram is a powerful tool for understanding our personality and the shadow parts we hide. Each of the nine Enneagram types has qualities that are often suppressed and those that are highlighted. Understanding your Enneagram type helps you identify the specific qualities you tend to suppress, offering a roadmap for targeted Shadow Work. Enneagram Test Link: Type One: The Reformer Persona: To be good, to have integrity Shadowed Parts: Anger, imperfection deny spontaneous behavior, fun, and anger as resentment. Let your hair down, be carefree Highlighted: Responsibility, correctness Famous People: Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Emma Watson Type Two: The Helper Persona: To be loved, to be needed Shadowed Parts: Own needs, selfishness deny their own needs, own creativity and individuality. explore your own wants and needs. Find their own authenticity and individuality. Say no and find self identity. Highlighted: Generosity, helpfulness Famous People: Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Oprah Winfrey Type Three: The Achiever Persona: To be valuable, to be admired Shadowed Parts: Failure, inauthenticity deny effectiveness over efficiency, ability to fail, telling themselves the truth Be honest about limits, be ok with failing, reclaim your genuine self. Highlighted: Success, efficiency Famous People: Tom Cruise, Taylor Swift Type Four: The Individualist Persona: To find themselves, to be unique Shadowed Parts: Ordinariness, envy deny confidence, courage, happiness, being normal and similar pull out positivity and goodness they have, be ok being ok, look to be positive Famous People: Frida Kahlo, Prince, Johnny Depp Type Five: The Investigator Persona: To understand, to be competent Shadowed Parts: Dependency, emptiness deny connection with others, emotional focus and feel, ok not knowing Be ok not proving around others, don't need all the answers, embrace and do emotional health work. Highlighted: Knowledge, independence Famous People: Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates Type Six: The Loyalist Persona: To be secure, to be supported Shadowed Parts: Doubt, fear deny being ok with unknown, living in the now, trust self and others Trust self, practice being present, let go over worry and know future outcomes. Highlighted: Loyalty, responsibility Famous People: Mark Twain, Ellen DeGeneres, J.R.R. Tolkien Type Seven: The Enthusiast Persona: To be satisfied, to be content Shadowed Parts: Pain, limitation deny simplicity, being bored/still, consistency and structure Focus, structure, being ok in simple tasks and simple life. Highlighted: Joy, adventure Famous People: Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Richard Branson Type Eight: The Challenger Persona: To be in control, to protect themselves Shadowed Parts: Vulnerability, weakness deny need to be vulnerable, sensitivity, or ask for help. ask for help, be vulnerable, trust more, find innocence around creatures and kids, child likeness. Soften selves Highlighted: Strength, leadership Famous People: Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Serena Williams, and Reid Horn Type Nine: The Peacemaker Persona: To have inner peace, to avoid conflict Shadowed Parts: Conflict, assertiveness deny in the shadow their anger. Knowing your own wants and passions. explore and feel anger. Find what you want, see conflict as necessary and inevitable. Highlighted: Harmony, acceptance Famous People: Abraham Lincoln, Audrey Hepburn, Keanu Reeves
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/32801817
info_outline
Shadow Work (Part 2)
07/31/2024
Shadow Work (Part 2)
Shadow Work (Part 2) Today, we're diving into a topic that’s as crucial as it is uncomfortable: authenticity. Let me set the stage for this podcast. Picture this: a man finds his marriage on the brink of falling apart. He's convinced he's doing everything he "should" do to keep it together, yet he feels like he's constantly falling short. Growing up, he learned that showing certain emotions or traits of himself like being “too excited” or “too hyper” could jeopardize his relationships and get him in trouble with his parents – "boys don't cry," "toughen up," “Good kids are seen and not heard” you know the drill. Fast forward to adulthood, and he's still suppressing these parts of himself. He believes that if he shows vulnerable emotions or is “too much,” his partner will see him as weak. This habit of hiding – which began as a childhood survival tactic to secure connection with parents, friends, and others – is now wreaking havoc on his relationships. This brings us to the idea of the Shadow. The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we’ve shoved into the dark because we were told they’re unacceptable. This act is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids and attempt to earn the connection that we need. As kids, we didn’t have a concept of the Shadow or the idea that hiding parts of ourselves would cause future issues. But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to continued inauthenticity and keeping us from realizing our full potential. Today, we'll break down the difference between repression and suppression and why recognizing and integrating these shadow parts is essential for living authentically. We’ll also integrate your Enneagram personality type to help you identify what you may be suppressing and share practical steps for self-integration. What is “Shadow Work”? Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable. As kids, we desperately need to feel safe and connected with those around us. If any part of us seems like it might threaten that connection, we quickly learn to hide it. How the Shadow forms: childhood experiences, societal expectations, and personal trauma. Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung called these hidden parts the "shadow." Gabor Maté insightfully said that as kids, we will choose attachment over authenticity every time. This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity. Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life. Eragon Book Series concept of “True Names” Defining Repression Repression is like stuffing everything you didn't want anyone to see into an old closet. As kids, we need secure attachment with our caregivers, so we hide anything that might threaten that bond. Imagine being a kid and hearing, "Boys don't cry," every time you felt like letting tears flow. You bury those feelings to maintain connection and acceptance. This protective habit doesn't disappear when you grow up. It sticks around, leading to a life that's not fully you. Defining Suppression If repression is unconsciously hiding parts of yourself, suppression is when you do it knowingly. It's a conscious choice to keep certain aspects hidden to fit the image you want to present. Think about the boy who grew up hearing, "Men don't cry." As an adult, he might suppress his emotions around his partner, thinking, "I can't let them see me cry; they'll think I'm weak." Suppression creates a barrier between you and genuine connection, denying yourself the freedom to be who you truly are. I see this all the time in counseling, whether I am working with someone in their early 20’s or in their 70’s. They have held onto the things they’ve learned the “should do” in order to fit in and earn the connection and attachment they deserve and need. Even if it is at the cost of their Authenticity. This is a common story among those in the LGBTQ+ community who are growing up. Many will choose to remain in the closet and hide their sexuality, gender identity, and more to remain connected and attached to their attachment figures. The Impact of Repression and Suppression Repression and suppression keep us from living authentically, creating a gap between who we are and who we present to the world. This gap leads to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and even depression. Without doing your personal shadow work you will never realize your full potential. In relationships, this inauthenticity acts like a silent killer. Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable creates distance, misunderstanding, and dissatisfaction. Ask yourself: What have you been hiding? What parts of yourself did you shove into the shadows to feel accepted? How can you start bringing those parts into the light? The journey to authenticity starts with acknowledging these repressed and suppressed parts of yourself. It’s about exploring your shadow, sorting through the mess, and integrating those hidden aspects into your life. Imagine a man who has always suppressed his emotional side. As he begins to integrate this hidden aspect, he allows himself to feel and express emotions more openly, connecting more deeply with others. Consider another man who has always hidden his creative side. By acknowledging and embracing this part of himself, he finds joy and fulfillment, inspiring others around him. The cost of all this hiding and masking is inauthenticity. You end up living a life that isn’t fully yours, constantly editing yourself to meet others' expectations. This creates a gap between who you are and who you present to the world, leading to dissatisfaction, anxiety, and emptiness. The path to authenticity is challenging but essential for true connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance. Identifying Your Shadow Self-Reflection Techniques What parts of myself do I feel I need to hide to be accepted by others? Have you worked with others who were hiding parts of themselves? When do I feel the need to put on a different persona? Have you worked with others who did this? What emotions do I avoid expressing, and why? Have you worked with others who did this? Journaling prompts and questions to uncover hidden aspects of the self. Meditation and mindfulness practices for deeper self-awareness. Common Signs and Triggers Where you react, there lies a shadowed part. Get curious and non-judgmental about that reaction. There is a mountain of wisdom there that your system is trying to communicate if we would only listen. Building A Relationship with Our Parts When you start to uncover a part in your shadow, your next step is to build a relationship with that part. Be curious and non-judgmental with that part. Ask it how it is trying to protect you by suppressing this aspect of yourself. Ask it what it would need to let you integrate this part of you. Conclusion Today, we've delved into our shadows, exploring how aspects we learned to hide as kids can shape our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity. Repression and suppression are real, impactful forces that can mess with our relationships, mental health, and overall sense of self. Understanding these concepts is a step closer to reclaiming your authentic self. Remember, authenticity isn't about being perfect; it's about being real. It's about acknowledging those shadowed parts of ourselves and integrating them into our daily lives. What’s next? Reflect on the exercises we discussed. Ask yourself those tough questions. Join a group like the Authentic Men's Group (AMG) or work with a therapist or coach. I’ve created a journal to help you start your shadow work process. Visit to get a free copy of the Shadow Work Journal. Authenticity isn't a destination; it's a continuous process. It's about showing up, day after day, as your true self – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Start small, stay committed, and watch your life transform. Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions, or stories to share, reach out at AMG.buzz. We’d love to hear from you. Until next time, keep striving to be the real you.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/32374832
info_outline
Introducing The Shadow
06/27/2024
Introducing The Shadow
The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we’ve shoved into the dark because we were told they’re unacceptable. This is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids. But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to inauthenticity. Resources we mentioned to start engaging in your own shadow work: Book: Podcast:
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/31918932
info_outline
Authentic Grief - Finding Meaning in Your After (Part 4)
05/30/2024
Authentic Grief - Finding Meaning in Your After (Part 4)
Chapter #7 Suicide The word “”committed” is usually used in the context of crimes. 2016 suicide was ranked the 10thcause of death in the US. Pg 116 men die from suicide 4x more then women. Pain is a natural reaction to death but suffering is what our mind does to us. 118 Death by suicide is not a selfish act or even a choice. It’s a sign of a mind that needs help. 114 The path to freedom from the suffering caused by our minds is through finding meaning. Pg 118 There are many paths to meaning, and if you search for them, you will eventually find them. 119 Give the suicide hotline to call or text: #988 or website 988lifeline.org Chapter #8 Complicated Relationships Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Anonymous However, hoping they will be different than they are only leads to more turmoil. Pg129 People are who they are, and they don’t change just because we need them to. If they are important enough to us, we will overlook their insensitivity. If they are not, we may consider letting the relationship go. Pg 130 This is the difference between expectations on a relationship versus standards for a relationship. We grieve in character, both good and bad. Pg 131 What does the Enneagram have to contribute to grieving? My job is how I respond to situations and other people. How people choose to play their characters is not for me to evaluate. My one and only job is my own character. Pg 134 Too often when we deal with people in complicated relationships, we focus on their reactions. If I do this for them, will they appreciate it? Will it be reciprocated? I always encourage people to do kind things with no expectations. Expectations are resentments under construction. Pg 134 In the context of complicated relationships in the time of loss there is a lot of hurt. Hurting people hurt people. As a result there are things that are done and said during a time of bereavement that can cause pain. This is why Kessler goes into some depth talking about forgiveness because grieving neccessates forgiveness.Seek to make forgiveness a part of the grieving process. Four Types of Forgiveness: 1. Indirect forgiveness: you do it all inside yourself. 2. Direct forgiveness: you do it openly in a straightforward manner with sincerity 3. Conditional forgiveness: you forgive based on personal judgments made on the person’s character or action. 4. Unconditional forgiveness: you give the person forgiveness whether they ask for it or not with disregard to their motives and having the personal motive of being free from resentment. This type of forgiveness is contingent on #1. Forgiveness opens our hearts when we are stuck in the prison of resentment. We get to be right, but we never get to be happy. The basic question of meaningful relationships is “Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?” Pg 137 Four Processes to Consider When Forgiving 1. Picture the person as an infant. 2. Think of them growing up and someone hurting them. 3. Acknowledge the relationship with that person for the duration of it and what it has contributed to life. 4. Remember the process of my own life, where I am and how I got here. When I recognize I’m human and I make mistakes, I can forgive others for their mistakes. Pg 138 This is a strategy for helping the person that has been hurt to work through the process of forgiveness. This does not justify the hurt that was caused or mean that the consequences of their action. One of the biggest spiritual lessons we can learn is to understand that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment. No one looks in the mirror in the morning and says; “I think I’ll be a real jerk today.” Pg. 139 It will help to remember that forgiveness is seldom for “them”. It is for you. Pg. 139 In chapter #9 There are five specific ways that people can grow after tragedy: pg. 158 1. Their relationships grow stronger. 2. They discover new purposes in life. 3. They find inner strength. 4. Spirituality is deepened. 5. They renew their appreciation for life. Chapter #10 Miscarriage and Infant Lose Even our dictionaries often include the word “failure” in the definition of miscarriage. Try to understand that while your partner may grieve differently from you, they still deserve a grief process that is treated with sensitivity and respect. Lean on each other during this difficult time, and give each other grace. How can they say goodbye when they’ve never had a chance to say hello? They are grieving for what could have been Chapter #11 Illnesses of Our Mind: Mental Illness and Addiction My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go into it alone. Anne Lamott 171 Addiction should no longer be seen as a moral failing or a lack of willpower. It is a medical problem, an illness that leads to a progressively worsening chronic condition, and one that is particularly hard to fight, because the drugs involved attack the brain of users, the very organ that helps us fight other dangers to our survival. The same can be said for mental illness. We can’t tell a person who is mentally ill or addicted to use his/her brain to help himself recover, because the brain is a diseased organ. Pg 175 The Three C’s of Al-Anon pg. 177 1. We didn’t cause it 2. We cannot control it 3. We cannot cure it Sometimes the most meaningful realization in the loss of grief is our loss of control. Meaning is everywhere if you look for it. Pg 178 Addiction is about numbness. When you’re addicted, that numbness allows you to ignore the danger, to think that you’re in control when you’re using. And even when you are sober, you may still be numb to the danger and relapse. We understand the relapse is part of recovery. Pg 185 Chapter #12 More Love Than Pain I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains. Anne Frank The common belief is that grief is all about pain. Anyone who has been in grief would certainly agree with that. But I believe there is more. There is love. Why do we believe that the pain we feel is about the absence of love? The love didn’t die when the person we love died. It didn’t disappear. It remains. The question is: How do we learn to remember that person with more love than pain… There is not getting around the pain. We have to go through it because it is an inevitable result of the separation we are experiencing. It’s a brutal, forced separation. Pg 191 The pain you feel is proportionate to the love you had. The deeper you loved the deeper the pain. But you will find that love exists on the other side of the pain. It’s actually the face of pain. My thought - Love doesn’t exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain. You can’t heal what you can’t feel. P 192 Get in touch with the feeling, let it speak to you, let it go through you and then be done with it. If you’re sad, you need to stay with the sadness and feel it full. If you have a hundred tears to cry don’t stop at fifty. The secret to remembering with love begins with accepting the pain, not trying to deny it or ignore it. Pg 192 No matter how deeply spiritual or religious we are, sometimes we want to be left in the humanness of our pain. 193 Whenever you are talking about your loss, do you want the spiritual response, the human response or both? Pg 193 Those of us who have lost someone dear do need to be in pain. Pg 193 Feeling the pain is a necessary part of remembering the love. The pain is part of the love. We can’t love someone and lose them without feeling pain. Not only do we have a need to feel the pain, we also need to have it witnessed by others, not pushed away. Pa 195 Grief may be postponed but it cannot be eradicated. Pg 195 Buffalo run into a storm, thus minimizing how long it will last Pg 196 The avoidance of grief will only prolong the pain of the grief. Better to turn toward it and allow it to run its natural course, knowing that the pain will eventually pass, that one of these days we will find the love on the other side of the pain. Pg. 196 We are made up of love. We are the sum total of love. If I’ve ever felt one moment of real love in my life, that can be with me in my most terrifying moments. Love never dies. In our darkest moments love remains. When everything else is gone, love continues. Pg 197 What we appreciate, appreciates. 198 The Three Steps To Taking In The Good (Rick Hanson) 199 1. Identify a positive experience or memory 2. Enrich it. Savor it. Intensify it. 3. Absorb the experience. Sink into it and let it sink into you. Pain is never the whole story. We may get lost in it for a while, but there’s always something more. Pg 200 Love Bursts – a surge of love that comes from a memory of a person. When we move through pain and we release it, we fear there will be nothing, but the truth is, when the pain is gone we are connected only in love. Kessler says, “Though much of my work is about giving people permission to grieve fully after a loss, I also want to give them permission to keep loving. 202 Love doesn’t stop with death. A body dies but love doesn’t. page 202 Love doesn’t exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain. You can’t heal what you can’t feel. P 192 Feel the pain, experience the love. I find that when I reflect on the people I have lost that if I concentrate for just a bit I can still feel their love Look for small seeds of love in pain. Just like a delicate plant, we have to pay attention to it and nourish it. If we do, the love will flower once again in our hearts. Pg 202 Chapter #13 Legacy In 2010 Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffet created a Giving Pledge, a campaign to encourage billionaires to commit to donating half or more of their wealth to philanthropic causes during their lifetime. Pg 205 Each of us affects many people throughout our lives. The movie It’s a Wonderful Life does a brilliant job of helping us realize how many people we affect in our lives without realizing it. Pg 206 Write down their memories in a memory book to share with friends and family. They can continue to observe traditions and visit places that were meaningful to that person. Pg 209 Missing them is part of the remembering them, and how you remember your loved one is part of their legacy. Pg209 Visiting a place that was special to our loved ones helps us remember and connects us to their legacies. Pg 210 Ensuring that the good qualities of your loved one will live on in your own life is perhaps the most meaningful of all legacies. Pg 211 We grieve as a tribe and we’re always modeling for that tribe. Pg 212 Ultimately our loved ones belongings can become a trap when se find ourselves unable to part with them… What I have learned from my work is that as we decrease the outer evidence that our loved ones lived, we must increase the evidence inside of us. Pg215 I help people understand that they themselves are the biggest piece of evidence of their loved one’s lives. As you think about how to do something meaningful with the things that are in your possession, I encourage you to photograph those things you care about before letting them go. I’ve found that you can get the same emotional reaction from a photo as you do from the item itself. Pg217 You are also beginning to process the reconstruction of your own life. Nothing will return you to the way you were before you lost your loved one. But everything you do to help his legacy flourish and grow will help you grow, too. Chapter #14 Grieving to Believing: The Afterlife Just as birth is about a change in the mother’s connection to the infant who was once inside of her, so is death a change in our relationship to the person who is no longer here but still lives within us. Death does not end a relationship, it changes it. Pg220 Expand on this below. In a mother’s womb were two babies. The first baby asked the other: “Do you believe in the life after this world?” The second baby replied, “Why of course. There has to be something after this world.” “Nonsense,” said the first. “There is no life after this world. What would that life be? The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after this would be impossible. The umbilical cord is too short. There can’t be a world after this one.” The second baby held his ground. “I think there is something, and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we’ll see each other there.” The first baby replied, “If there is another world, no one has ever come back from there. Leaving here is the end of life and after delivery, there will be nowhere to go and nothing but darkness.” Well, I don’t know,” said the twin. “But certainly we’ll see Mother and she will take care of us.” “Mother?” The first baby guffawed. “You believe in a mother? An all-powerful, intelligent being that makes all this happen? Where is she now?” The second baby calmly and patiently tried to explain. “She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her, there would not be a world.” “Ha. I don’t see her, so it’s only logical that she doesn’t exist.” To which the other replied, “Sometimes when you’re in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her. I believe there is a reality after this world.” Writing a good-bye letter may be a terrible idea because the relationship has not ended. Writing a transformation letter may be effective Pg 220 The Five Stages of Grief were never meant to be an end unto themselves, and completion of them wasn’t supposed to signify the ending of the relationship or grief. There is a continuing evolution in the relationship pg. 221 When someone dies the relationship doesn’t die with them. You have to learn how to have new relationships with them. You can still keep learning from them in your everyday life. Pg 221 I have seen my wife do this with her grandmother in asking how she would approach a certain situation with the wisdom and candor that her grandmother still provides. You’re not closing the door on a relationship with the person who died. You don’t ever bring the grief over a loved one to a close. You’re opening the door to a different relationship. Remaining connected to your loved one in grief is not “unhealthy grieving.” It’s normal. In death, our attachments continue, as does the love. The connections continue to evolve. Pg222 “My mother’s and my relationship has improved a great deal in the twenty years since she passed away. I think I’ve learned to understand her and look at her with more compassion.” Pg223 There are three phenomena encountered by those dying: pg. 226 1. Visions – looking into the world to come. 2. Getting ready to go on ‘a trip’ 3. Crowded rooms. Three possible options for viewing the afterlife: Pg 227 1. They have an awareness of you. They see you grieving. 2. They are no longer in touch with this world. 3. They died, and their consciousness became nothing. One focus – We should grieve fully and then live fully. We were put on this earth for such a short time and we will never get to experience this life again. So why don’t we think about how much one more day would mean in our own lives? Pg 228 In the face of great losses life goes on. The world keeps spinning. The seasons change. Every storm gives way to a clear new day. Despite our losses we continue… Love and life remain within us and the potential for meaning is always there. 228 Either all deaths matter or none of them do. Pg238 The worst kind of loss is your loss Pg 238 Acknowledge the power of grief Pg 239 Broken heart syndrome is a temporary disruption of your heart’s normal pumping function, often brought on by a surge of stress hormones triggered by a serious event, such as the death of a loved one… Women are more likely to have broken heart syndrome, but anyone over fifty-five is at a higher risk. Pg 240 If we shut our ears out of hurt and anger, we will miss it. Pg 244 Martin Seligman 3 P’s that can shape our world after loss 1. Personalization – you blame yourself for it, or feel like the only one who has ever suffered such a tragic loss 2 Pervasiveness – you believe that a negative event will destroy everything in your life 3. Permanence – you believe that the effects of a loss or a disaster will last forever. No one likes or wants this new normal Pg. 245 The phrase “I don’t know how you are doing it”. I tell them I am not. I have just decided to be a part of ongoing life. What would best honor the years they didn’t get? That could be one way of bringing meaning to our lives without them. Pg248 People often think there is no way to heal from severe...
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/31540637
info_outline
Authentic Grief - Finding Meaning in Your After (Part 3)
04/29/2024
Authentic Grief - Finding Meaning in Your After (Part 3)
Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience. David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. What is Grief? Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed. Chapter #4 The First Step in Finding Meaning: In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer. Albert Camus pg. 67 On retreats on day #1 – write a letter to your past. Day #2 write a letter to your future self. It starts with a blank piece of paper but your future isn’t written yet. You are the writer. Not your past, not your losses, not death. But you are the creator of your future… Don’t let your past dictate your future. Pg 70 The story you tell yourself repeatedly becomes your meaning. Pg 71 Original Meaning Transformed vs. New Meaning: The death happened to me. vs. Death happens. I’m a victim. vs. I am a victor because I have survived a loss. This death was a punishment. vs. Death is usually random. Why did this happen to me? vs. Everyone gets something this lifetime. It happened because of something vs. There was nothing I could have done. My story is the saddest one vs. My story had very sad parts. Your life will never be the same but happiness again is still possible. Never being happy again is a statement about the future and no one can predict the future. All they can know for sure is that they are unhappy today. It helps to say, “I’m unhappy today.” and leave it at that. Pg 72 Whatever thoughts you water are thoughts that will grow. Pg 73 Perhaps it is time to put down the mirror and pick up the binoculars. (Telescope, microscope) * MVVP book reference I look at the meaning the person is giving the event and then I help them change the meaning, not the event. The event is not going to be any different, but the meaning can be, and this can help them to deal with the loss. Pg 76 The reality is that no two people will ever react to an event in the same way. How you respond will depend upon the meaning you see in it. And like all perceptions of meaning, this will be influenced not just by the event itself, but also by your cultural background, your family, religion, temperament and life experience. Meaning comes from all that has made you who you are. Pg 77 Where is your loved on now? Is a good question but also “When are they?” They are no longer in the moment. They are past suffering pg. 77 Allowing yourself only to focus on the past, however miserably, can seem easier, more comfortable, than deciding to live fully in the world without your loved one. Pg 79 Underneath the reluctance to live or love again is fear. Pg 79 A ship in the harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for” John A. Shield. When we are grieving, we want to stay in the harbor. It’s a good place to be for a while. It’s where we refuel, rebuild and repair. But we are meant to find new adventures… Pg 80 As the Buddha says, “if you are a lamp for someone else, it will brighten your path.” The parable of the long spoons: A person is ushered into a banquet hall There are rows of tables laden with platters of sumptuous food, but the people seated around the tables are pale and emaciated, moaning in hunger. As he gets closer, he sees that each person is holding a spoon. But the spoon is so long he can’t get the food to his mouth. Everyone is starving in agony. The person is then taken to another banqueting area where he encounters the same feasting arrangement he encountered in the first hall. There is again a cornucopia of food but here the people seated at the tables are cheerfully talking and eating because the long spoons are being used to feed each other. Taking the challenges, impairments and predicaments that we have been given (the long spoons of our lives) and using them to help others can really give meaning to those challenges, impairments and predicaments and can help nourish and nurture others while we receive the same for ourselves Chapter #5 The Decision Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver Pg 83 Not making a decision is a decision. Healing does not allow for neutrality. It’s an active process, not a passive one. We have to participate in our own healing not just expect it to happen. Living is different from being alive. Pg 83 The decision to live fully is about being present for life, no matter how hard life is at the moment. It’s about what you are made of, not what happens to you. Pg 84 C.S Lewis said in his book The Problem with Pain, “Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.” Make a conscious decision to live, not just be alive. Pg 85 When an elephant grows up, it’ll clearly be strong enough to break the rope, but because by then it has learned that struggling is useless, and it will no longer attempt to pull up the small peg or break the rope. Pg 88 “Till death do us part” The marriage contract ends at death. It is done. No one’s vow includes the afterlife. Pg 90 Sometimes we need help making the decision to say our goodbyes to them in life and move our loved ones into our hearts in death. Pg 92 No matter how long you were together, it’s not enough time but the love you shared is not gone. It lives within you as a part of you. The experience of love that you had can never be destroyed or changed by a new love. That love will exist forever in its own time, in its own way in your heart. But more love can be available to you if you desire. Your heart can have many loves in its lifetime. A new love can grow out of the same soil without diminishing a past love. You still have life. Pg 94 At times, our challenge is a new love; other times it is a new life. Pg 94 We often don’t realize that the decision to live is an active one that requires our participation. Pg 95 We are capable of more love throughout our life than we realize. “95 Make the decision to do so Broken crayons still color. Pg 96 Part II The Challenges in Grieving Chapter #6 Finding Meaning in Why New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. Lao-tzu Pg 99 You woke up for a reason this morning, and that reason is for the purpose of finding meaning in your life. P102 Small moments can have big meaning. Everything you do has the potential for meaning. P103 We affect others in ways we will never know, often by simply being ourselves. Pg104 Whatever the reason, when there’s guilt, there’s a demand for punishment, so survivors will often punish themselves or attract people who will do it for them. Pg 104 You will always be connected to your son but you don’t have to be connected to the pain. You can connect in love. Pg 107 When we don’t have a why we tend to jump in and play God. We tell ourselves, “ I could have prevented his death,” or “It should have been me.” This means we are attributing to ourselves the power that we don’t have. Pg. 108 To begin to heal you must give the power back to God, the universe, fate, or whatever you believe in. That might mean you begin to acknowledge your anger at God. I believe God is big enough to handle your anger and rage. Pg 109 The why you must answer is not why your loved one died, but why you lived. Why are you here? Turn the why into how or what. How can I move on from here? What meaning can I find for living? Why’s build walls and we can bump into the wall time and time again and not have the answer to the why. As a matter of fact it can even seems that every time we ask why we put another brick on the wall.. If that is the case change the question to how. Where why questions build walls how questions build bridges. How can I move on from here? If I give up answering the why I can then accept the way things are in the present and move on from there. The how question helps me to move on. How can I move on from here even if I don’t know the why. The life that was lost was precious. If we have been granted more time, shouldn’t we believe that our life is also precious? Pg111
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/31034323
info_outline
Authentic Grief - Finding Meaning in Your After (Part 2)
03/30/2024
Authentic Grief - Finding Meaning in Your After (Part 2)
Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience. David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. What is Grief? Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed. Part I – Every Loss Has Meaning Chapter #1 What is Meaning? The person who sees death as sacred has found a way to find meaning in it. Pg 14 Kessler references Victor Frankl’s cornerstone work, Man’s Search for Meaning. Kessler says that this book is a beacon for those who wonder how meaning can emerge from tragedy… Frankl suggested that when we are faced with a situation that is hopeless and unchangeable, “we are challenged then to change ourselves”. When we make the choice to change ourselves, we can turn tragedy into an occasion for growth. Pg 14 The hope that we find in individual situations of grief leads to a life full of meaning. As we move from one grief to the next, one disappointment to the next all the while we are challenged to change. Grief doesn’t get smaller over time, we get bigger. Pg 15 Pain, death, and loss never feel good, but they’re unavoidable in our lifetime. Yet the reality is posttraumatic growth happens more than posttraumatic stress. 15 Whenever you find it, meaning matters, and meaning heals. Pg15 Vision from the great Avengers of Marvel Comics says “What is grief, if not love persevering?” Chapter #2 Grief Must Be Witnessed Each person’s grief is as unique as his or her fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining. Pg 29 Sitting shiva in Jewish culture seems to get the idea of grieving. For a time period of 3 to 7 days friends and family come to the mourners home and just sit with the people in grief. They say nothing unless they are spoken too. They are just present for the people that are grieving. This really is what grieving while having a witness is all about. Just being present. Just being seen. But in our hyper-busy world, grief has been minimized and sanitized. Pg 30 we have diluted it because it’s scary to think about our own death. We like things we can control and we can control our busyness. We are very egocentric and attached to this life. We don't like not knowing exactly what awaits us in the next life. Grief should unite us. It is a universal experience. 30 The act of witnessing someone’s vulnerability can bring the person out of isolation if the witnessing is done without judgment. (Great theme statement for AMG) 31 Grief is what’s going on inside of us, while mourning is what we do on the outside. Pg31 When people ask me how long they’re going to grieve I ask them, “How long is your love one going to be dead?” That’s how long. I don’t mean you will be in pain forever but you will never forget that person. 31 Loss can become more meaningful-and more bearable- when reflected and reflected accurately, in another’s eyes. 33 If the love is real, the grief is real pg. 34 Good interaction exercise – Have two people who are grieving stand facing each other and place their hands over their own hearts. Then look into each other’s eyes and say, “I witness your grief, I see your healing.” This kind of witnessing of another’s vulnerability can be very healing. Pg 34 As I read this in the book I found myself tearing up when thinking of the grief I have experienced with others. My wife and I created A Grief Workshop for a large church that we served on staff with early in our careers. I wish that I would have known of this exercise when we were developing this workshop. How powerful to look into another’s eyes and say, “I witness your grief, I see your healing.” Something goes out of alignment when we try to avoid sadness and grief. 35 Life gives us pain. Our job is to experience it when it gets handed to us. Avoidance of loss has a cost. Having our pain seen and seeing the pain of others is a wonderful medicine for both body and soul. Pg 35 Life has peaks and valleys. It’s our responsibility to be present for both. Pg 35 “The time will come when memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes” That’s how it goes, pain first, meaning later. Pg 41 Having grief witnessed is about making loss real. Pg 42 When we feel it, we release it and we can be free. Pg 44 (My rephrasing– When we feel it, we can feel free to release it.) Funerals and memorials are important. Something profound happens when others see and hear and acknowledge our grief. Pg 44 Two things bring us together: 1. Love 2. Suffering Our children, just like us, need their pain witnessed, and a funeral is important to them. Pg 46 We are not meant to be islands of grief. The reality is that we heal as a tribe. Pg 47 We see this often in men’s groups as men invite other men to connect with them by sharing their loss and grief openly. Chapter #3 The Meaning of Death Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete. Victor Frankl. Pg. 49 The death shapes the grief. Pg 49 I often teach that in grief, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Pg 51 Writing proves helpful in processing our grief pg. 52 Journaling seems especially helpful in the processing of grief Kessler says that writing proves helpful in three ways: 1. It examines causes and consequences. People who write use more words and phrases like: because, understand, realize, and work through. When we examine writing we use our arm and our hand which is between our head, the center of our thoughts and our heart or out our gut (which in eastern thinking is the center of our emotions.) So by writing we are expressing our thoughts and our feelings. When we further examine this we also realize that writing engages the two hemispheres of our brain, the left hemisphere which is responsible for language and speech and the right hemisphere which plays a large part in the interpreting the visual information and spatial processing. So in writing it is rather like lining up the crosshairs of a scope. We bring into alignment thoughts and feelings and language and processing. 2. There is a shift in perspective. From I and me to he and she and then to us It is important to remember there is not us and them. It is just us and we all experience grief.That which is most personal is most universal 3. Finding positive meaning in the traumatic experience. The way we view death reflects how we look at life. Death most often is thought of as a failure. Listen to how we speak of it: She succumbed to the illness, He lost the battle with cancer, and they didn’t make it. Pg55 Apparently, no matter how great our life, we are destined to fail in the end. That doesn’t have to be our understanding of either life or death, however. Pg 56 Fear doesn’t stop death. Fear does stop life, however, but it doesn’t have to. If we allow ourselves to live with the consciousness of death, it will enrich us by making us understand how precious life is. Pg 56 But painful as it is, if we can view the approach of death as a reminder to us to value every moment, we can find new sources of meaning. Pg 58 Death makes life valuable. Pg 58 This life is a limited time offer. Pg 58 My mantra is “What’s meaningful?” I ask it all the time. Pg 60 What presence is worthy of my essence? What’s meaningful can change our experience of imminent death… But for so many the last chapter of life is not the most interesting one, or the most important. We almost see it as a meaningless, “throwaway” part of life. Instead of using the precious time to complete relationships, to express our love, we allow the final chapter to become the series of medical issues to be conquered; a frantic search for a cure when one is no longer possible. Pg 62 Everything that lives must die. But while life has to end, love doesn’t. Pg. 64 The end of your loved one’s life is not the end of your relationships, since your love lives on. Pg 65 Instead of sitting in the room with their loved one staring at them when they are unconscious or sleeping try turning to face away from them so you can start practicing their presence without being able to rely on sight. Pg 65
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/30555133
info_outline
Authentic Grief (Part 1)
02/26/2024
Authentic Grief (Part 1)
Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience. David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. What is Grief? Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed. Grief is something in our culture that we often don’t know how to approach. And until its on happening to us or someone we love. we typically don’t like to think about death or talk about it. The Original Five Stages of grief by Kubler-Ross: Denial - This isn’t happening to me Anger - Why is this happening to me? Bargaining - What can I change to stop this happening to me? Depression - There isn’t anything I can do to stop this happening to me. Acceptance - I take this for what it is even if I don’t want it. The 6th stage proposed by Kessler is Meaning. What does meaning look like? It can take many shapes, such as finding gratitude for the time they had with loved ones, or finding ways to commemorate and honor loved ones, or realizing the brevity and value of life and making that the springboard into some kind of major shift or change. (Pg. 3) Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for them after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. (Pg. 7) Thoughts that may guide in understanding meaning: (Pg. 7) Meaning is relative and personal. Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after loss. Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning. Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost of what you lost. Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen. Only you can find your own meaning. Meaningful connections will heal painful memories. Love and grief are inextricably intertwined. Love and grief come as a package deal. If you love, you will one day know sorrow. (Pg. 9)
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/30115098
info_outline
The Solution to Resolutions (Re-Release)
01/05/2024
The Solution to Resolutions (Re-Release)
How effective are resolutions? Do they work?
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/17624411
info_outline
Authenticity In An Artificial World Part 2
12/21/2023
Authenticity In An Artificial World Part 2
In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic. In this podcast we continue this conversation and give 4 key factors of how to start unlocking our authentic self. Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman developed an They came up with a technical description of authenticity as "the unimpeded operation of one's true or core self in one's daily enterprise." People who score high in authenticity are also more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies, rather than resorting to drugs, , or self-destructive habits. They often report having satisfying relationships. They enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, in mastering challenges, and the ability to follow through in pursuing . The authentic self isn't always pretty. It's just real. Authenticity Displayed in Four Key Factors of Activity: 1. Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one's own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities. 2. Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and your weaknesses without or blame. Which is easier said then done. That where AMG helps me. 3. Behavior: Acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection. 4. Relational orientation: Close relationships, which inherently require and honesty.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/29186488
info_outline
Authenticity in the Holidays
11/20/2023
Authenticity in the Holidays
In this podcast we talk about what it is like to live authentically during the holidays. We reference the 8 qualities and how we personally will look to incorporate these into our holidway experience with friends and family. 8 Qualities of Authenticity: Curiosity Calm Clarity Connectedness Confidence Courage Creativity Compassion
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/28726493
info_outline
Authenticity in an Artificial World
10/30/2023
Authenticity in an Artificial World
In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic. Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world. Adam Grant Living an authentic life with courage is meeting your fear, looking it in the eye, but diving in anyway because it is how you want to show up for yourself. Brene Brown The idea of authenticity is a powerful shaping force for individual identity, a functional state, a way of moving through the world. Authenticity is also a feeling, and research shows it feels awfully good. You can counterfeit a Picasso, but can you counterfeit yourself? Feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth, and clinging too tightly to what feels like one’s authentic self can hinder that growth. We will know that we are accessing our authentic self when we can access all 8 of these qualities: Curiosity Calm Clarity Connectedness Confidence Courage Creativity Compassion
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/28430504
info_outline
Regretfully Yours (Part 2)
09/18/2023
Regretfully Yours (Part 2)
Regretfully Yours (Part 2) The Four Categories of Regret from part 1 are: 1. Foundational Regrets - “If only I had more…” 2. Boldness Regrets - “If only took a risk …” 3. Moral Regret - “If I had that decision back I would have…” 4. Connection Regrets - “If I would have stayed connected to…” How to Respond to Regret: 1. Be Aware of it (this is what the first podcast was dedicated to) Identify them in detail Explore why we have them. The keys to awareness 2. Express it - Do not deny regrets but express them with a select few trusted confidants. Disclosing our regrets. Be vulnerable for it: Releases some of the burden Begins making sense of the process when we begin to articulate Creates bonds to others who can relate and empathize. Eliminate isolation for regret grows in isolation. 3. Embrace it - Make it matter because it does. To flippantly let on it doesn’t mean anything is a sure way to have it hang around. We can’t transcend something we don’t embrace. Feel the pain but don’t let it turn to shame, acknowledge the hurt but don't let it turn into guilt. When we embrace it we can learn to embrace ourselves with self compassion, self- kindness and self-acceptance knowing that we are good men capable of doing things we may regret. 4. Transform it - renew it, reshape it, remold it, redo it, reconstruct it, rebuild it, recast it, reorder it, reframe it, reorganize it, restyle it. Just ‘re’ it. Turn a bad decision into good data. Turn a bad decision of something we did into a healthy expression of who we really are. The Benefits of Regret: 1. Sharpens our decision making skills for the future. “I won’t do that again” 2. Secures our performance on a range of tasks. The more we do the more we get to do but if we let our regrets of the past hold us back we won’t try things which by the way is one of the four categories of regrets. Don’t measure our worth based on our performance but based on our character. As we often say in AMG. “You are a good man” 3. Strengthens our sense of meaning and connectedness. We realize that we all are strugglers. I am a fellow struggle with every other human struggler on the planet. We are all just trying to find our way and sometimes that way is found through regret. 4. Shows us what we really want in that if we did the opposite of what we regret we would have a sense of fulfillment. The camera negative We encourage you to talk about your regrets openly and find the freedom of vulnerability and authenticity.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/28070133
info_outline
Regretfully Yours (Part 1)
08/28/2023
Regretfully Yours (Part 1)
Regret is one of our most powerful feelings and regrettably one of the most misunderstood. Regret covers a myriad of circumstances from wishing we would have eaten oatmeal instead of the cinnamon danish this morning for breakfast to feeling remorse for not telling a loved one how much we loved them before they died. The Four Categories of Regret: 1. Foundational Regrets - did not make choices that give enough stability and security Not saving enough money or not paying attention to health. “If only I had more…” 2. Boldness Regrets - did not take a chance on doing something I should have Starting a business, not asking someone out, not speaking up “If only took a risk …” People who took risks and failed still were glad they took the risk because it taught them something 3. Moral Regret - did something they should not have or did not do something they should have Affairs, bullying, stealing, cheating “If I had that decision back I would have…” 4. Connection Regrets - did not stay in touch and as a result we drifted apart. Disassociated with family and/or friends “If I would have stayed connected to…” It is not too late to reach out and awkwardness is most often rewarding to those who take the initiative.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/27871527
info_outline
No More Mr. Nice Guy Pt.2 (A-Cliff Note)
07/17/2023
No More Mr. Nice Guy Pt.2 (A-Cliff Note)
Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives. In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs. Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions. Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity. This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/6608333
info_outline
No More Mr. Nice Guy Pt.1 (A-Cliff Note)
06/20/2023
No More Mr. Nice Guy Pt.1 (A-Cliff Note)
Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives. In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs. Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions. Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity. This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/6604688
info_outline
Are you an ASSertive Person In Your Circles 5-7?
02/23/2023
Are you an ASSertive Person In Your Circles 5-7?
In this podcast we discuss how to be assertive in our #5-#7 circles of relationships paradigm. These circles consist of work, giving, boundaries, possesions and coping mechanisms of life. Circle #5 – The Mandatory Relationships (work and to do lists) Assertiveness in the workplace means being confident in communicating our opinions, suggestions, challenges and desires. It means representing ourselves well in the company while representing the company well. It is about making conflict about the problem or challenge that is important to face in order to make it a better workplace. It is about trusting if the authenticity of the company is worthy of personal authenticity. Circle #6 – The Peripheral Relationship Boundaries are important in these relationships. There are two different categories in this circle: The people who have hurt The people who will take from us. Give no energy to our enemies. It’s not harsh to be assertive, it’s harsher when people take advantage of you. Janna Cachola Don’t argue with someone because they have a difference of opinion unless we are willing to argue with ourselves in 10 years when your changes. Be assertive in our research of where we will give. Be assertive with our giving. We have three things to give; energy, time and resources. Circle #7 - Temporal Are the things that help us cope or give us status. These relationships are attached to a materialistic or consumer based culture. They add a temporal fix and try to satisfy the inner by the outer. Addictions - Alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling - Guys who struggle with addictions are often trying to change the behavior. Get assertive about the desire or want that is present. Identify the core issue. This is a number Circle #1 issue not a Circle #7 issue. Be assertive about understanding ourselves Get assertive about what is enough personally. Get assertive about what it means to have a good life. Define this for ourselves and don’t let our culture define it for us. Practical Notes of Application 1. Communicate clearly and directly: Speak in a clear and confident tone, and use specific language to express your thoughts and feelings. - Keep it short, clear and censer 2. Stand up for yourself: Don't be afraid to speak up when you feel that your rights or needs are being disregarded or ignored. - Know your values and priorities and then communicate them. Communicate what you do want. Example: I would love to go but I am going to hang out with my family. 3. Use "I" statements: When expressing your thoughts and feelings, use "I" statements to take ownership of them. For example, instead of saying "you're wrong," say "I disagree." 4. Respect others' opinions: While being assertive, it's important to respect others' opinions, even if you don't agree with them. 5. Listen actively: Listen to others' opinions and concerns and acknowledge them. 6. Be flexible: Be willing to compromise and negotiate in order to find a solution that works for everyone. 7. Practice confidence: Believe in yourself and your abilities, and practice assertive behavior in different situations. 8. Seek professional help: If you're having trouble being assertive, consider seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist. Use DESC model by Sharon and Gordon Brower in book asserting yourself. Describe the behavior that affecting you Express emotion I am feeling Solution that may help Conclusion or consequence if something doesn’t change.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/26023623
info_outline
Are you an ASSertive Person In Your Circles?
01/30/2023
Are you an ASSertive Person In Your Circles?
ASSERTIVENESS IN THE ESSENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS OF LIFE In this podcast we discuss the importance of using assertiveness in the essential relationships in our life. We use the paradigm Circle of Relationships. Circle #1 – The SOURCE Relationship It is where I discover self. It is the internal and the eternal. It is where I find my purpose and passion Know what we want personally and fulfill that desire. The only time to let people put you in a box is just before your funeral. Self-awareness is the key to self-assertiveness The best contribution to learning to be assertive is to be learning about myself. I can’t teach others how to respect me if I haven’t learned what there is to respect about myself. It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not. Assertiveness is not what you do, it’s who you are. Shakti Gawain. Once we know what we want and we can express that in relationship. If we don’t, staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul. Circle #2 – The Intimate Partner Relationship This is where we express the deepest self in the deepest way to another individual. This is the place of emotional and physical intimacy and is where sexual expression is made. It is one relationship that is committed and communicative. It the relationship of deepest authenticity and vulnerability. If we meet our own needs we can approach the intimate relationship with openness in communication. Communication is ‘seeking to understand before being understood’. When we have met our own needs with assertiveness we can approach the relationship communicating what we desire in a connected and intimate relationship. Be assertive while being attentive. Sex is a key focus in this and we can approach it with assertiveness and submission. Good sex is when it is difficult to tell who is enjoying the most, the one who is submitting or the one who is dominant and then reversing those roles to continue the intimate adventure. Some of the most miserable men I have had in my office are those who have lived by the mantra of ‘a happy wife makes a happy life’ Circle #3 and 4 - Friendships, Family Circle #3 – The Select Few Relationships These are relationships of deepest bond and devotion Here is where I experience vulnerability and validity without sexuality. They establish earnest trust and are the best frienships of life. Circle #4 – The Few These are people I do life with. They are there for support in the celebratory and sad events of life. These are the people that are going to be there at funerals and weddings. I can be authentic but often not vulnerable in these relationships What is good the personal is good for the couple is good for the family. Conclusion Practicing assertiveness in all of the Circle of Relationships will be a constant struggle. Some relationships will require us to be more aggressive, some relationships will require us to be more passive. We can have confidence in this, we won’t get it right all the time. If we humbly acknowledge this we can move toward healthy growth in our assertiveness and this can have a beneficial effect on our circle of relationships from the inside out. For more information on the circle of relationships check out our podcasts below: Circle 1: Circle 2: Circle 3: Circle 4:
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/25775682
info_outline
Are you an ASSertive Person?
12/22/2022
Are you an ASSertive Person?
Why is Assertiveness important? If we don’t have it we won't know what we want and how to get it. We leave fate to write our story. Fate is a horrible author. What is Assertiveness? The best contribution to learning to be assertive is to be learning about myself. I can’t teach others how to respect me if I haven’t learned what there is to respect about myself. Passive: Respecting others and not self Aggressive: Respecting self and not others Assertive: Respecting Self & Others in how we communicate, behave, and think. Passive-Aggressive: Appearing passive as manipulation with aggressive intentions. Passive individuals - Are inhibited, indirect communicators, fearful of offending, and prefer that others make the decisions. They are considered as ‘pushovers’ by others, and they seldom get their communication needs met. They often hold feelings in and these feelings lead to resentment. They are the shrinking violets of the relationship. They take a lose-win attitude to communication (Their internal dialogue is, “I lose and you win.”) Passive Inhibited individuals make others feel like there is disinterest and apathy in the relationship. Partners feel bewildered, ghosted, over responsible and isolated. Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied. Are brutally honest, direct, and forceful.The major purpose for them is to be right. They will bulldoze and steamroll the conversation. They expect their opinion to be known first and often last. These individuals may even gaslight (take something that was said and make it the other person’s problem) Their internal dialogue is, “I win, you lose”. This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied. Assertive - Are direct, authentic and honest communicators. They speak the truth even when it might be tough to do so. They address issues with empathy, compassion and love. They trust the process of speaking directly. They press in on issues that need to be addressed in appropriate places at appropriate times. They take a win-win attitude toward communications. Their internal dialogue is, “I win and you win”. They treat others with respect yet have confidence in their own ability to communicate and come to agreement. They work toward a healthy balance of submitting if warranted and being forceful when needed. They are willing to compromise and negotiate. Assertive individuals make others feel equal, affirmed and secure. Partners feel significant, unified and understood. Misconceptions of assertiveness Assertiveness is not Aggressiveness Assertiveness is not a Jedi Mindtrick Assertiveness is not always the best response Again, the opposite of unhealthy is still unhealthy. If a person is naturally more mild-mannered and introverted, to become an overbearing jerk is not the way to go just as it would be unnatural for an aggressive and forceful personality to all of the sudden become meek and timid. It may cause those who know him to think he has had a lobotomy. The healthy middle ground is what we are talking about here; knowing when to submit and when to assert. For the naturally aggressive personality it might be good to balance the forcefulness with submission. A frequent question to ask would be, “Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?” For the naturally submissive and compliant personality it might be good to balance submission with forcefulness. A frequent question to ask would be, “What do I want and how am I making that known in this relationship?
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/25409772
info_outline
Formating Forgiveness
11/22/2022
Formating Forgiveness
FORMATING FORGIVENESS If individuals could apply themselves to pursuing this one thing it could vastly improve personal and relational health. This one thing to pursue is a deep understanding and application of… forgiveness. Forgiveness is a basis for a life well lived. In order to have a good establishment of life it is good to understand the foundational truths of forgiveness. 8 Truths of Forgiveness: 1. Forgiveness is for me, not the offender This is the reminder that we always have a choice no matter the extent of the pain and hurt that comes from the offense. This choice is empowering and compassionate towards ourself. It is an invitation to grow and expand. It’s always an inside job. Start by looking where you may need to forgive yourself or transform and change the expectations you put on yourself and others. Make this a constant daily practice. 2. Forgiveness frees me from the power of the one who hurt or offended me Forgiveness gives the power to set prisoners free, only to find that the prisoner was me. 3. Forgiveness does not mean to forget, ignore or deny the offense The brain is designed to remember to keep us from harm and danger. Emotional pain is processed just like physical pain on a cellular level. Much like we need to know where the lion was that could jump out of the bush and kill us we must remember where the emotional danger is with others in our lives. The goal isn't to forget, it is to forgive and live freely from what we have learned and continue to learn. Include and transcend -Richard Rohr- 4. Forgiveness does not equal restoration I am not responsible for another’s response. If I forgive for the purpose of establishing restoration then it becomes conditional forgiveness. I want an end result. If I forgive just because I forgive and want to be free of any need for retribution that is transformational. 5. Forgiveness does not equal trust There often is a confusion between forgiveness and trust. Just because I forgive doesn’t mean I have to trust. Forgiveness is given; trust is built. As I think of this it would be like buying an investment property with an old, run down building on it. In order to make the property a worthy asset there would be two things needed. Tear down the old building, clear the land and make the lot new again – Forgive Build up from the old by putting a new building on the reclaimed land that would create value – Trust "Forgive your enemies but never forget their names." -John F. Kennedy- 6. Forgiveness is not an option, it’s a state of being We are not the gatekeepers of whether someone is forgiven. Forgiveness is already happening right now, right now and right now. Are you going to accept it or create your own hell? Separation from love. Get in the flow of constant present forgiveness. Not too long ago I asked someone for forgiveness and she said “I will have to think about it” Whether she thought about it or not I knew I was free. 7. Forgiveness is humbly accepting that everyone is limited We are all limited, as a matter of fact to be human is to be limited. At our limits is where we can be acknowledged and given grace. We are all alike in that we all have limitations, shortcomings. It is about compassion not comparison. It is not about comparison of our limitations so we can feel better in our successes, it is about compassion that we all have limitations and acknowledging that my strength is given so that I can give it to another. We are all fellow strugglers in the dark trying to find our way home and forgiveness is the flashlight that we pass to each other in the darkness. 8. Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can ever be changed We are to have hope and hope is for the future. The way to have powerful hope for the future is to not waste it on the past; a past that can never be changed. The word is for-give. Give it forward not give it backward. If I can reconcile my past by bringing it to the present I then have a new ledger to work with for the future. Then if I can bring that new ledger and eliminate debts I have a freedom for today.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/25098309
info_outline
Authentic Living (Intentionality) Part 4
10/25/2022
Authentic Living (Intentionality) Part 4
Circle Four - Intentionality These are the actions that we do. This is WHAT we do. Outcome and behavior driven. A secure identity, with a sensitivity to our feelings and the feelings of others, and an acute accurate thinking makes way to beneficial action. - We don’t become a new person by changing our behavior, our behavior is evidence of our change and evolution in security, sensitivity and common sense. - Behavior is a very important thing to look at. I often say, “Don’t tell me what you believe, tell me what you have been doing.” - The goal is not to reduce actions but to know ‘the what’ behind the action. - Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image. - Our behavior is more honest than our words. - Don’t let the worst people we know dictate our behavior. - To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to disempower them - Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. - Sometimes poor behavior is simply a bad execution of good intent.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/24799248
info_outline
Authentic Living (Mentality) Part 3
08/29/2022
Authentic Living (Mentality) Part 3
Authentic Living (Mentality) Part 3 Circle 3 - Mentality (Think) These are the beliefs and stories that we tell ourselves. This is Where we are going. Process driven. Potential Pitfall- Intellectualizing. Quotes on thinking: Rene Descartes, the French philosopher, stated in 1637 - Cogito, ergo sum - “I think therefore I am”. Probably the most significant quote to push a civilization to the unhealthy extreme of reason being the most important capacity. “If everyone is thinking alike then no one is thinking.” Benjamin Franklin "There is no conversation so boring as the one where everyone agrees." "When we like other people agreeing with us we will often not say what we are thinking." "An opinion should be a result of thought not a substitute for it." "It is the mark of an educated man to entertain thoughts without accepting them." Aristotle Book: Think Again by Adam Grant Book: Clean Up Your Mental Mess by Dr. Carolyn Leaf 5 steps to manage our mind: Gather info (enjoyable or painful emotional/physical experiences) lean into the experience. Reflect (who, where, what is happening that triggered this) Write (chaos into order and refine) Re-examine (how do I want to respond?) develop how you want to rethink and act in love. Active reach (practice and apply)
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/24200442
info_outline
Authentic Living (Sensitivity) Part 2
07/12/2022
Authentic Living (Sensitivity) Part 2
Authentic Living (Sensitivity) Part 2 Circle 2 - Sensitivity (Feel)These are the Emotions that reinforce our identity. This is How we feel. What would emotions from the outside-in look like vs. emotions from inside-out look like? Outside-in: Feeling Angry about our behavior and then thinking we shouldn’t do that. Trying to attack the behavior with will-power. It gave us some structure as far as social expectation. Inside-out: when we feel something, acknowledge and recognize how we are feeling and not the sum of our emotions. Looking to see what information we can learn more about ourselves because we know there is something to learn from our emotions. How to process feelings proactively: Don’t Judge our emotions Good or Bad. Just like we don’t judge our physical pain. If I touch a stove and it hurts do I get mad at my hand for feeling pain?? Use emotions as data not direction. Bad days give us good data. Express emotions proactively using the acronym NEED: Name what you feel. Recognize and write what you are feeling. Explain the reason you feel this way through allowing and accepting feelings. (What caused the feelings to begin with?) Be thorough in examining what has caused the current emotions. When these two steps are accomplished, you are more than halfway there because you are now aware and can do something about your feelings. Examine an attitude or action you can change relating to what you feel. Once you know the feeling and what caused it, there can be a conscious decision to alter a mood, change a motive or make a move to revise the condition that caused the feeling in the first place. Such a revision can be effective because now we can choose to see circumstances in a different light. For example, forgiveness can replace resentment simply by a choice. Deal with feelings personally before relationally. Do this through a kind and loving lens. Give expression when we invite others into our vulnerable emotional state.
/episode/index/show/authenticmensgroup/id/23668559