Darryl Stickel – Share, Don't Scare: The Science of Building Trust When the World Feels Broken

What makes a complete stranger walk up to you on a bus and say, "I'm really having a hard time today"? In this episode of Legendary Leaders, host Cathleen O'Sullivan sits down with Darryl Stickel—trust researcher, founder of Trust Unlimited, and author of Building Trust—whose life's work reveals that connection isn't magic. It's a skill you can learn, practice, and pull off even when everything feels like it's falling apart. 

 

Darryl shares why trust isn't just about certainty—it's about being willing to get hurt. He breaks down the formula, explains why leaders who admit they're not perfect inspire fierce loyalty, and walks through the exact steps he used to help warring union reps and board executives shake hands after five years in court. With disarming honesty, he opens up about surviving multiple concussions, navigating life as a legally blind leader, and discovering that accepting help isn't weakness—it's a gift you give other people. 

 

Together, Cathleen and Darryl explore what it means to lead without pretending, why "share, don't scare" transforms relationships, and how pulling three specific levers can rebuild trust faster than you think. This conversation is for anyone who's tired of surface-level connections and ready to do the uncomfortable work that actually brings people closer.

 

 

Episode Timeline:

 

00:02:38 Why vulnerability is the part of trust everyone ignores 

00:05:02 The trust equation: uncertainty × vulnerability = perceived risk 

00:09:51 When not to be vulnerable: protecting yourself while staying open

00:15:54 Three levers every leader needs: benevolence, integrity, ability 

00:26:35 Men, mental health, and the Aspirational Men's Program 

00:30:53 Internal vs. external locus of control: what you actually control 

00:39:43 The benevolence conversation: "What does success look like for you?" 

00:50:41 Five years in court: how he got unions and executives talking again 

00:57:48 "I feel uncertainty" vs. "I don't trust you": the language that neutralizes conflict 

01:08:56 The one small step: start with a dose of vulnerability 

01:14:09 The father who went from "they're scared of me" to "they fight over who sits next to me" 

01:18:12 Hockey, concussions, and finding purpose in the wreckage

 

 

Key Takeaway:

 

• Trust = Uncertainty × Vulnerability, and Both Are at All-Time Highs: Trust isn't just about predicting someone's behavior—it's about being willing to be hurt when you can't know for sure what they'll do. In deep relationships, uncertainty shrinks and vulnerability expands. But right now, with uncertainty spiking everywhere, even small asks for vulnerability feel like jumping off a cliff. 

• Refusing Help Is Selfish—You're Robbing People of Joy: Darryl told a room of executives: "You just shared how powerful it is to help someone. Now explain why you're so effing selfish—you never let anyone have that experience with you." When you never admit you need help or show vulnerability, you steal the gift of contribution from others. Even the struggling woman panhandling on the street felt meaning when she could help the blind guy cross. 

• Change the Story, Change Everything: Darryl's son wanted a baseball scholarship, so Darryl "nagged" him about eating well, practicing, studying, being a good teammate. But because they'd defined success together first, his son heard every nudge as "Dad has my back" instead of criticism. We interpret the world through stories—if you don't actively shape the narrative, 20 different versions will spread, and most won't work in your favor. 

• Start With One Small Dose of Vulnerability: Don't open the kimono. Don't pretend you're clueless. Just admit you made a mistake in the past, probably will in the future, or need someone's expertise on something. Leaders reach positions because of technical skill—that skill atrophies the moment you sit behind a desk. Tell people: "You're the expert now. I'm going to need your help." That small crack opens everything.

 

 

About Darryl Stickel:

 

Darryl Stickel is founder of Trust Unlimited and author of Building Trust: Exceptional Leadership in an Uncertain World. He holds a PhD from Duke University, where his doctoral thesis on building trust in hostile environments was so groundbreaking his advisors admitted he'd solved what they thought was impossible. After consulting at McKinsey & Company, Darryl founded Trust Unlimited in 2001 and has since worked with unions, military units, Fortune 500 companies, and nonprofits worldwide—from helping the Canadian military build trust with locals in Afghanistan to reuniting fathers with sons who'd given up hope. Legally blind and navigating the world with his guide dog Drake, Darryl teaches that vulnerability isn't weakness—it's the foundation of everything that matters. 

 

 

Connect with Darryl Stickel:

LinkedIn: ca.linkedin.com/in/darryl-stickel-phd 

Website: https://www.trustunlimited.com/ 

Book: https://www.trustunlimited.com/book/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/Trust-Unlimited-Inc/61563450129818/

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/darrylstickel 

YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/@DarrylStickel_BuildingTrust

Podcast: https://imperfectcafe.buzzsprout.com/ 

 

 

Connect with Cathleen O’Sullivan: 

Business: https://cathleenosullivan.com/ 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cathleen-osullivan/ 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/legendary_leaders_cathleenos/ 

 

 

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