055: Attachment Theory and Domestic Violence with Jef Slootmaeckers
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
Release Date: 10/07/2024
77: The Real Reason Small Things Turn Into Big Fights
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
If you’ve ever felt like you’re having the same argument over and over again—just in different "costumes"—you are definitely not alone. Whether it’s the laundry, a misinterpreted text, or the way the dishwasher is loaded, these small triggers often spiral into big explosions. In this episode, I’m walking you through why these "small things" feel so heavy and how to look beneath the surface to find the real emotional need that’s crying out to be heard. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why small triggers lead to huge explosions. The story of the socks and dishes. The Iceberg...
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76: The Couples Communication Skills That Change Everything with Raffi Bilek
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
Have you ever felt like you and your partner are speaking two completely different languages? You’re trying so hard to explain your side, but the more you talk, the further apart you feel. It’s incredibly lonely to feel unheard by the person who matters most to you. In this episode, I’m joined by Raffi Bilek, couples counselor and author of The Communication Book, to talk about why we get "stuck" in these cycles and how to finally start hearing each other again. We talk about: How to use "I" statements to stay the main character of your own story (without blaming). Why "Empathy" doesn't...
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75: Why Your Partner Shuts Down in Arguments
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
Have you ever felt like you’re hitting a brick wall during a conversation with your partner? Why Your Partner Shuts Down in Arguments is often less about a lack of caring and more about a nervous system that has reached its limit. In this episode, we explore the "underneath" of the withdrawer’s experience—moving past the frustration of silence to understand the biological stress responses of flight, freeze, and fawn. By recognizing these patterns as attempts to preserve the relationship rather than acts of rejection, couples can move away from the "fire" of conflict and toward a shared...
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74: From Shame to Shared Values - Aligning Money Decisions in Military Marriages with Monica Kaufman
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
Navigating finances in a military marriage often feels like walking through a minefield, where a simple conversation about a credit card bill can trigger a deep sense of emotional disconnection. In this episode of the Communicate & Connect podcast, Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky sits down with financial expert Monica Kaufman to peel back the layers of "money shame" and explore the attachment roots of our financial behaviors. We shift the focus away from spreadsheets and toward emotional safety, helping couples understand that money is simply a "tool" that often carries the weight of our childhood...
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73: One Phrase That Can Stop a Fight in Its Tracks
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
We’ve all been there…that moment in a conversation where your heart starts pounding, your voice gets a little louder, and suddenly you’re saying things you know you’ll regret the second they leave your lips. It’s a heavy, lonely feeling when a simple disagreement turns into a "communication crossfire". If this sounds familiar, I want you to know you’re not alone. These moments are often less about the bill that didn't get paid and more about a defensive cycle that pulls us away from the person we love most. In today’s episode, I’m sharing one powerful, simple phrase that acts...
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72: Rethinking Resilience: How Military Families Are Affected by the Resilience Narrative with Jennifer Barnhill
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
Have you ever felt like you had to put on your “brave face” even when everything inside was crumbling? Many of us in the military community wear our resilience like a badge of honor, but sometimes that badge can start to feel quite heavy. You might notice that while everyone else is praising your strength, you’re actually feeling more disconnected and alone than ever. In this episode, I’m joined by Jennifer Barnhill, military family reporter and the 2025 Navy Spouse of the Year, to talk about her new book, The Military Stories You've Been Told and the Ones You Need to Hear. We explore...
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71: How to Argue Without Hurting Each Other
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
Arguments don't have to damage your relationship. In fact, how we navigate those moments of friction can actually become a bridge to deeper intimacy. In this episode of the Communicate and Connect Podcast, I’m sharing some "mini-tips" on the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict and why building emotional safety matters so much more than winning an argument. What You’ll Learn in This Episode: Arguments Don’t Have to Damage Relationships Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict: Recognizing the Patterns The Impact of Criticism and Name-Calling Understanding Defensiveness and...
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070: Navigating Erectile Dysfunction Together: Insights from Physical Therapist Eve Hall
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
Has physical intimacy in your relationship started to feel like a source of anxiety rather than connection? You are not alone. In this episode of the Communicate and Connect Podcast, I’m joined by physical therapist Eve Hall to discuss a topic that many couples struggle with in silence: Erectile Dysfunction (ED). We often see a pattern where a physical struggle leads to emotional withdrawal. One partner feels shame, the other feels rejected, and suddenly, a "blockage" in the body becomes a blockage in the relationship cycle. Today, we’re slowing down and getting curious about the physical,...
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69: Why You Keep Having the Same Fight with Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
Have you ever wondered why you and your partner keep having the same argument — even when you both promise it won’t happen again? In this episode, I dive into one of the most common patterns I see in couples therapy: the repetitive relationship fight. Whether it’s about the dishes, money, parenting, or communication, couples often find themselves caught in a loop that feels impossible to break. But there’s a reason these cycles repeat — and understanding them is the first step to changing them. I’ll walk you through the three most common communication patterns couples get stuck...
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68: How the Stories We Tell Ourselves Can Make or Break Our Relationship with Lindsey Carnick
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
We all tell ourselves stories — about our partners, our relationships, and even about who we are. But what happens when those stories start to hurt our connection instead of helping it? In this episode, I sit down with Lindsey Carnick to talk about something that shapes every relationship — the stories we tell ourselves. As humans, we are meaning-making creatures. Our brains are constantly trying to connect dots, fill in blanks, and make sense of what’s happening around us — especially in our closest relationships. But sometimes, the stories we tell ourselves aren’t accurate, and...
info_outlineWelcome to Episode 55 of The Communicate & Connect Podcast! I'm your host, Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky, and in today's episode, we're diving deep into the complex world of attachment theory and its intertwining with domestic violence, especially within the military context. Joining us is Jef Slootmaeckers, an Emotionally Focused Trainer with ICEEFT and therapist with a profound understanding of the relational dynamics related to domestic violence.
In this episode, we explore the intricate balance between emotional regulation and survival strategies, focusing on the pivotal questions of attachment: "Are you there for me?" "Am I good enough?" and "Do I belong?" Through the epsiode, Jef and Liz discuss how these questions influence military relationships through the challenging phases of deployment, homecoming, and everyday interactions.
We discuss the cycle of pursuing and withdrawing that many couples experience, emphasizing the unique stressors of military life, and the critical need for boundaries and support in cases of intimate partner violence (IPV). Jef sheds light on the different forms of IPV and the attachment dramas that often escalate conflicts, stressing the importance of deshaming and understanding in therapeutic settings.
Listeners will gain valuable insights into the emotional struggles of military families, the powerful impact of naming and processing emotions, and the hope for resolving conflicts through empathy and connection. Join us as we navigate these sensitive topics and aim to normalize the complexities of military life while offering resources and support for couples in need. Don't miss out on this enlightening conversation with Jef Slootmaeckers on attachment, love, trauma, and resilience.
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