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#10: Step 4: See Where You Have Power Before You Take Action

Boundaries Queen

Release Date: 05/15/2024

Taking a Pause

Boundaries Queen

#16: Listening Boundaries: Knowing What's True (For You)

Boundaries Queen

Of the four primary boundaries, the listening boundary is by far the most difficult. This is largely because all of us have preinstalled “filters” that impact how we hear and receive others’ words (both spoken and written). In other words, your beliefs, biases, experiences, and a host of other factors impact how you hear what others communicate—meaning it’s incredibly difficult to accurately receive or take in the words others say. The listening boundary also involves only taking in what is true for you rather than simply accepting others’ words as reality. In fact, negative...

#15: Speaking Boundaries: Knowing How to Be Heard

Boundaries Queen

The idea of having a speaking boundary may sound strange at first, but by the end of this episode, I hope you’ll understand how a healthy speaking or talking boundary can protect both you and those around you. When your speaking boundary isn’t working well, you can come across as rude, dismissive, critical, or even contemptuous. On the other hand, a healthy speaking boundary means that you’re speaking in a way that makes your words easier to receive and easier to hear, because you’re clear, coherent, and respectful. This means you’ll avoid saying things you’ll regret or feel...

#14: Sexual Boundaries: Yes, No, and Everything in Between

Boundaries Queen

Of the four primary boundaries, the sexual boundary is the most controversial and the one that people have the most opinions about. In today’s episode, I want to simplify this messy, complicated topic so you can more easily implement your own healthy sexual boundaries. Sexual boundaries are non-negotiable. No one gets to decide whether or how they touch you sexually without your permission—and you get to decide what you consider sexual. It’s up to you to decide which of your body parts you consider to be sexual, for example, and what you define as sexual activities. Your sexual...

#13: Physical Boundaries: Protecting Your Body and Your Belongings

Boundaries Queen

There are four primary boundaries: the physical boundary, the sexual boundary, the speaking/talking boundary, and the listening boundary. Today’s episode is the first in a four-part series in which I’ll cover each of these boundaries in turn. Before digging into the physical boundary in detail, though, I’ll cover some basics of these primary boundaries in general, so don’t miss this episode. One deeply important point that I’ll cover but want to reiterate here is that physical boundaries are non-negotiable; a “no” is a “no.” This applies both to you and to other people,...

#12: Step 6: Evaluate Your Results and See What Went Wrong

Boundaries Queen

If you’ve been following along with the six-step boundaries clarifier process, you’ve already created a boundary and taken action. But there’s still one more step: evaluating how things went to see what (if anything) went wrong and whether you need to work through the process again. Resolving any problems that occurred during the boundary-setting process involves identifying the reason why things went wrong. In this episode, I’ll go over various types of problems (from unsuccessful boundary creation to broken agreements) and offer guidance on how to move forward from each of them....

#11: Step 5: Take Action to Create a Boundary

Boundaries Queen

If you’ve been following along through these episodes, you may be both excited and nervous to hear that now, in step 5, it’s time to take action based on everything you’ve worked through up to this point. The options you explored in the previous step directly correlate to the actions possible here—so if you completed step 4 thoroughly, you should already have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing now. But that doesn’t necessarily make it easy, so this episode is all about helping you learn the best ways to follow through and take action. One big tip I’d like to share is...

#10: Step 4: See Where You Have Power Before You Take Action

Boundaries Queen

As you work toward achieving the outcome you want for the situation or event you identified in step 1 of the boundaries clarifier process, it’s crucial to figure out where your power lies—and that’s exactly what I’ll guide you through in today’s episode. As you’ll learn today, there are four main options for where your power lies in this process. Ultimately, there’s very little that’s fully within your circle of control, and misunderstanding this can lead you to try to take control of things you don’t have power over (like other people), resulting in unnecessary conflict and...

#9: Step 3: Clarify Your Needs and the Outcome You Want

Boundaries Queen

In the first step of my boundary-setting process, you identified a specific situation or event you wanted to address. Today’s episode, which covers the third step in the process, is all about clarifying your needs in regard to that situation, and then identifying the outcome you want. As you work through this step, let go of being “realistic.” I want you to brainstorm all sorts of outcomes for the second part of this step, no matter how far-fetched or impractical they might seem, and to allow yourself to imagine exactly what you want. If you’ve worked through this step and...

#8: Step 2: Get Clear about Your Reality

Boundaries Queen

Welcome to the second part of this six-episode exploration of the boundaries-setting process. I’ll assume you’ve already listened to the previous episode about step one; if you haven’t, please go listen to that one and then come back to this episode. Now that you’ve identified a specific situation or event that you need to set a boundary around in the previous episode, it’s time to get clear about your reality as it relates to that incident or situation. To really understand what’s going on, we’ll examine the experience from three angles. First, there’s what you experienced...

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As you’ll learn today, there are four main options for where your power lies in this process. Ultimately, there’s very little that’s fully within your circle of control, and misunderstanding this can lead you to try to take control of things you don’t have power over (like other people), resulting in unnecessary conflict and tension.

Keep in mind as you work through this step and choose the best-fitting option that as you go through this process, you should end up feeling a sense of confidence, empowerment, freedom, and relief. In other words, please don’t choose an option that leaves you feeling bitter, resentful, or like a victim! It’s normal for more than one of the four options to be possible, and in this episode, I’ll guide you through figuring out which one is the best for you and your situation.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #10:

Things in your circle of control include how you manage your health, what you eat, how much sleep and exercise you get, how you care for your possessions, how much time you spend with people or alone, how much money you spend, and how you parent your children.
If you overestimate your circle of control, you might tell another adult what to do, or inform someone that they’re going to do something because it’s your boundary. If you underestimate what you can control, you might not create a boundary that you have the power to create. Both of these misunderstandings of your control are problematic.
There are four options in step 4. Your job in this step is to choose the option that has the highest likelihood of getting you the outcome that you want. Here are the four options:

You have the power to create the outcome you want.
You need help to create an outcome.
You need to make a request.
You are powerless in the situation.

Highlights from Episode #10:

Victoria welcomes listeners to the fourth episode in a six-part series about the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier process. [00:31]

We hear a recap and review of the first three steps of the process. [02:01]

Understanding where you have power is crucial to the success of your boundary work. [07:05]

Victoria talks about the problems that come with not understanding the limits of your power and what you have control over. [09:37]

We learn what happens when you don’t see your own power. [12:36]

There are four options in this step. Victoria explains what they are and gives examples. [14:33]

What if more than one of the four options might work for you? [18:46]

Victoria returns to the case study of Uncle Joe, which she has been using through the last several episodes to illustrate the process. [20:01]

We hear about powerlessness, the last of the four options in this step. [25:41]

Victoria gives several pro tips for working through this step. [27:45]

Today we heard about figuring out where you have power in the situation. Victoria briefly mentions what she’ll cover next week, and invites listeners to subscribe to avoid missing an episode. [32:45]

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