Boundaries Queen
Victoria Priya, LCSW (formerly Vicki Tidwell Palmer), is the author of Personal Boundaries For Dummies®, host of Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries podcast (2018-2021), and creator of the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier. Her clients call her the Boundaries Queen. Whether you're feeling clueless about how boundaries work, or you want to take your boundaries skills to the next level, the Boundaries Queen Podcast shows you how to identify, create, and maintain healthy, effective boundaries so that you can feel peaceful, protected, and connected.
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Taking a Pause
01/01/2025
Taking a Pause
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#16: Listening Boundaries: Knowing What's True (For You)
07/18/2024
#16: Listening Boundaries: Knowing What's True (For You)
Of the four primary boundaries, the listening boundary is by far the most difficult. This is largely because all of us have preinstalled “filters” that impact how we hear and receive others’ words (both spoken and written). In other words, your beliefs, biases, experiences, and a host of other factors impact how you hear what others communicate—meaning it’s incredibly difficult to accurately receive or take in the words others say. The listening boundary also involves only taking in what is true for you rather than simply accepting others’ words as reality. In fact, negative emotions are often a signal that you’ve taken in (or believed) another person’s perception that isn’t your truth. If you're curious to learn more about how the listening boundary works and how it protects you and others, tune into this episode. In addition to exploring this boundary, I’ll offer basic tools to help you improve the listening boundary, including putting on your reporter hat, recording the speaker’s actual words, staying curious, and receiving others’ words impersonally. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #16: The primary purpose of listening is to discover, to know, and to understand who the speaker is. If you’re getting agitated or impatient, or thinking about what you’re going to say next, you have probably stoppped listening well or attentively. When your listening boundary is functioning well, you have the ability to hear (or read) the words that someone says to you in a highly accurate way and to reflect on what you’ve heard with minimum filters before you respond. Listening boundary violations include being deliberately distracted, refusing to listen, leaving in the middle of a sentence, changing the subject abruptly, rolling your eyes, or being unavailable during conversation. Highlights from Episode #16: Victoria welcomes listeners to the last episode in the series exploring the four primary boundaries and talks about our preinstalled filters. [00:31] We hear a couple examples of situational preinstalled filters. [03:10] When you’re improving your listening boundary, examine and discover what your filters are. Victoria also explains the primary purpose of listening. [05:55] High-quality listening is a form of emotional labor—which may explain why good listeners are so rare. [08:51] Victoria gives an example of what it can look like to be reactive. [11:52] We hear the definition of a listening boundary, as well as a couple of examples of maintaining your own perceptions. [13:37] What does it look like when you’re protecting yourself with listening boundaries? [16:30] Victoria offers recommendations for what to do if someone calls you “rude,” “inconsiderate,” or a similar perception-based term. [19:16] We learn what it looks like when you’re protecting others with your listening boundaries. [21:50] Victoria gives a short list of listening boundary violations. [24:04] Victoria offers some basic listening tools to help you improve your listening boundary. [27:03] We hear a brief description of some more advanced tools, which Victoria will cover in detail in future episodes. [33:03] Victoria recaps what she has covered in today’s episode and where to learn more and invites listeners to subscribe to the show. [37:54] Links and Resources: Beyond Bitchy Podcast three-part “Listening Boundary” series:
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#15: Speaking Boundaries: Knowing How to Be Heard
06/26/2024
#15: Speaking Boundaries: Knowing How to Be Heard
The idea of having a speaking boundary may sound strange at first, but by the end of this episode, I hope you’ll understand how a healthy speaking or talking boundary can protect both you and those around you. When your speaking boundary isn’t working well, you can come across as rude, dismissive, critical, or even contemptuous. On the other hand, a healthy speaking boundary means that you’re speaking in a way that makes your words easier to receive and easier to hear, because you’re clear, coherent, and respectful. This means you’ll avoid saying things you’ll regret or feel guilty about, reduce the number of situations you create where you need to apologize, and make it easier for others to listen to you and truly hear what you’re saying. Tune in to learn all about the speaking boundary, including why it’s so important. I’ll also give you four tools that you can use to start working on this boundary today, allowing you to improve your relationships and communicate even more effectively. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #15: Speaking boundaries are the essential filter between what you’re thinking and what you say. A highly functioning speaking boundary means that you use your filter to speak respectfully and relationally. When your speaking boundaries are functioning well, you share your thoughts, perceptions, opinions, and emotions with other people in a clear, respectful way. Some powerful tools include getting clear about the facts, using “I” statements in a respectful way, being honest with yourself about the other person’s capacity to really hear you, and leading with agreement. Highlights from Episode #15: Welcome to this episode, which is all about the speaking boundary. Victoria reminds listeners that the four primary boundaries apply both to yourself and others. [00:31] Victoria defines speaking boundaries and talks about some of the benefits of having a proficient speaking boundary. [02:21] Your speaking boundaries can make it easier for others to listen to you. [05:26] Victoria explores what functional speaking boundaries look like. [08:51] We hear about some tools that will help you with the speaking boundary. [10:00] The third of Victoria’s suggested tools involves assessing the other person’s capacity to listen to you. The fourth tool is leading with agreement. [13:26] What do healthy speaking boundaries look like when you’re protecting yourself? [17:31] Victoria talks about zones of intimacy and zones of privacy, as well as how a healthy speaking boundary protects you. [19:56] We learn about protecting others with your speaking boundaries. [21:24] What do speaking boundary violations look like? [24:08] Victoria explains that many people aren’t aware of being contemptuous. [26:59] Blaming or shaming another person is also a speaking boundary violation. [28:48] We hear how attempts to coerce or control are also violations of the speaking boundary. [30:33] Victoria talks about refusing to speak, or stonewalling, as a speaking boundary violation. [32:39] We hear a quick preview of what’s coming next week, and Victoria mentions that you can learn more about all of these boundaries in her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [33:50] Links and Resources:
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#14: Sexual Boundaries: Yes, No, and Everything in Between
06/12/2024
#14: Sexual Boundaries: Yes, No, and Everything in Between
Of the four primary boundaries, the sexual boundary is the most controversial and the one that people have the most opinions about. In today’s episode, I want to simplify this messy, complicated topic so you can more easily implement your own healthy sexual boundaries. Sexual boundaries are non-negotiable. No one gets to decide whether or how they touch you sexually without your permission—and you get to decide what you consider sexual. It’s up to you to decide which of your body parts you consider to be sexual, for example, and what you define as sexual activities. Your sexual boundaries are absolutely influenced by your value system, but ultimately you get to make your own decisions. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #14: Your sexual boundaries are your physical body as you engage in sexual activity (with yourself or with another person), the specific parts of your body that you consider to be sexual, and activities with another person that you define as sexual. When sexual boundaries are operating well, you decide with whom, how, when, and where you’re sexual. You don’t touch another person sexually without their permission. You have the ability and freedom to refrain from or engage in sexual activity with another person. Receiving a “no” can be painful, but it’s never personal. Another person’s “no” is always about them, never about the person receiving that “no.” Highlights from Episode #14: Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode, the second in a series about the four primary boundaries, and recaps points from last week that are relevant to all boundaries. [00:31] We hear some definitions of sexual boundaries. [05:28] What do functional sexual boundaries look like? [07:40] Victoria explains why sexual boundaries are so controversial and difficult to talk about. [09:40] We learn about the value of getting clear about your value system when it comes to sexual behavior. [14:36] Victoria talks about protecting others with your sexual boundaries, and accepting another person’s “no.” [16:27] Honoring someone else’s boundary creates freedom and spaciousness. [20:23] Victoria talks about what broken sexual boundaries look like, starting with demanding sex. [23:43] Ignoring another person’s “no” is another boundary violation, as is engaging in inappropriate sexual conversation. [25:42] Exposing another person to unwanted sexual experiences is another violation, as is touching another person without their permission. [28:33] Victoria reiterates that your sexual decisions and preferences are your right. She then discusses another boundary violation: talking about another person’s body. [31:30] Refusing to give somebody privacy is another boundary violation. [34:02] Victoria talks about claiming a right to another person’s body. [35:28] Victoria wraps up the episode with a sneak peek of a coming conversation with a colleague about sexual boundaries. She invites listeners to learn more about the sexual boundary in her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies, and to subscribe to the show. [38:52] Links and Resources:
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#13: Physical Boundaries: Protecting Your Body and Your Belongings
06/05/2024
#13: Physical Boundaries: Protecting Your Body and Your Belongings
There are four primary boundaries: the physical boundary, the sexual boundary, the speaking/talking boundary, and the listening boundary. Today’s episode is the first in a four-part series in which I’ll cover each of these boundaries in turn. Before digging into the physical boundary in detail, though, I’ll cover some basics of these primary boundaries in general, so don’t miss this episode. One deeply important point that I’ll cover but want to reiterate here is that physical boundaries are non-negotiable; a “no” is a “no.” This applies both to you and to other people, meaning that other people need to respect your boundaries around respecting your personal space and touching you and your belongings, and you need to do the same for them. Keep in mind that this applies to everyone—yes, even your relatives or your spouse. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #13: Boundaries from all four of the primary categories are doing one of two things: protecting yourself from someone or something else, or protecting another person from you. We each experience the four primary boundaries on a continuum reaching from not having enough of that boundary (meaning you’re unprotected or too vulnerable) to having too much of that boundary or too many boundaries (meaning you’re too protected or figuratively behind a wall). When your boundaries are in balance, you know how to feel protected and be appropriately vulnerable at the same time. You are the one who gets to decide how close you want to be to other people physically. When your physical boundaries are operating well, you let others know how close they can get to you physically and you determine the access they have to your physical belongings—and respect the same from them. Highlights from Episode #13: Welcome to this episode, which is all about physical boundaries. Victoria shares some recommendations for how to proceed if this is your first episode. [00:31] This is the first episode in a four-part series about the primary boundaries. [03:57] Victoria offers some information that applies to all four of the primary boundaries, and shares a personal example of how boundaries can protect others from you. [06:08] We learn that the four primary boundaries are experienced on a continuum. [10:33] Victoria explains that the boundaries continuum would look like an oval rather than a straight line. [13:56] We hear examples to illustrate how someone can be on two ends of the continuum for the same boundary. [16:42] Victoria starts the explanation specifically around physical boundaries. [18:06] What does it look like when you’re protecting others with your physical boundaries? [22:28] Physical (and sexual) boundaries being non-negotiable is true even with a spouse. [24:16] Victoria talks about separation and divorce, and how they relate to your physical boundary. [26:03] We hear some examples of what physical boundary violations or broken physical boundaries look like. [29:06] Victoria recaps the points she has covered today and mentions that you can get information about all four primary boundaries in her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies[31:19] Links and Resources: Beyond Bitchy Podcast three-part “Listening Boundary” series:
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#12: Step 6: Evaluate Your Results and See What Went Wrong
05/30/2024
#12: Step 6: Evaluate Your Results and See What Went Wrong
If you’ve been following along with the six-step boundaries clarifier process, you’ve already created a boundary and taken action. But there’s still one more step: evaluating how things went to see what (if anything) went wrong and whether you need to work through the process again. Resolving any problems that occurred during the boundary-setting process involves identifying the reason why things went wrong. In this episode, I’ll go over various types of problems (from unsuccessful boundary creation to broken agreements) and offer guidance on how to move forward from each of them. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #12: This step isn’t always necessary. If you had the power to create a boundary and did so successfully, or created an agreement successfully, you’re done! If you were unsuccessful because you didn’t follow through or successfully create an agreement, the solution is simple: recommit to taking the action in step 5. Telling someone else what you intend to do may help, because it creates accountability. If the problem resulted from a misunderstood agreement between you and another person, the solution is to revise and review your agreements, ensuring that they’re clear, specific, and measurable. For example, instead of agreeing to save “more money,” specify a dollar amount. Highlights from Episode #12: Victoria welcomes listeners to the sixth and final episode in the series about the process. [00:31] We hear a quick recap of the first five steps of the process, and learn that step six, the subject of this episode, isn’t always necessary. [01:51] Victoria offers some examples of reasons why a boundary may not be successful. [04:25] The first solution relates to boundaries in which you didn’t follow through successfully in step 5. [06:19] What if you thought you had a clear agreement, but the other person had a different understanding? [09:18] Victoria talks about what to do if there’s an unsuccessful boundary when one or both people broke an agreement. [11:58] We learn about how to handle simple situations of the other person having no buy-in to the agreement they made. [15:43] Victoria sums up the four options for what to do when a boundary isn’t successful, and talks about why you may choose to do nothing. [16:46] Ask yourself these three questions before you decide to do nothing after an unsuccessful boundary or a broken agreement. [19:55] We hear three pro tips for working through this step. [22:04] Victoria sums up the topics she has covered today and invites listeners to follow the show to get notified about new episodes, and to check out her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [23:28] Links and Resources:
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#11: Step 5: Take Action to Create a Boundary
05/22/2024
#11: Step 5: Take Action to Create a Boundary
If you’ve been following along through these episodes, you may be both excited and nervous to hear that now, in step 5, it’s time to take action based on everything you’ve worked through up to this point. The options you explored in the previous step directly correlate to the actions possible here—so if you completed step 4 thoroughly, you should already have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing now. But that doesn’t necessarily make it easy, so this episode is all about helping you learn the best ways to follow through and take action. One big tip I’d like to share is that if you need accountability for this step, which will likely be the case if you know that your next steps are difficult or challenging, you can consider telling someone what you plan to do and that you’ll get back to them once it’s done. This external accountability can be a great way to keep yourself motivated to follow through. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11: Your primary tasks in step 5 potentially include making sure you’re clear about what you need to do; ensuring your request is specific, clear, and measurable; setting deadlines; and getting accountability for taking action. If you need to make a request in this step, keep in mind that a request: needs to end in a question mark. must be specific, clear, and measurable. should avoid telling someone what they should think, say, or do. Even if you’re powerless to change the situation or person (as identified in step 4), there are still ways you can take action. You might release or let go of the situation, for example, or give serious thought to what is truly within your control, or participate in a practice or ritual to help you let go. Highlights from Episode #11: Welcome to the eleventh episode of the show! This is the fifth episode in a six-part series about the process. [00:31] Victoria explains the primary tasks of this step of the process. [04:38] We learn how to get started with step 5, which follows closely from step 4. [07:12] Victoria talks about how to proceed if you identified the first option (having the power to create the outcome you want) or the second option (needing help to get the outcome you want) in the previous step. [08:58] The third option from the previous step required making a request of another person. Victoria explores this option in more detail. [10:30] Victoria returns to the case study of Uncle Joe as she discusses making a request. [13:13] We hear an example of a very clear request in the Uncle Joe case study. [16:35] The third best practice for requests involves avoiding telling the other person specific things. [18:43] Victoria discusses the fourth and final option from step 4 (being powerless). [19:59] We hear a quick recap of the options in this step. [22:21] Victoria gives two pro tips for working through this step. [23:16] Today’s episode covered how to take action to create a boundary based on the previous steps of the process. Remember to tune in next week to learn how to evaluate your results, and subscribe to avoid missing an episode. [25:02] Links and Resources:
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#10: Step 4: See Where You Have Power Before You Take Action
05/15/2024
#10: Step 4: See Where You Have Power Before You Take Action
As you work toward achieving the outcome you want for the situation or event you identified in step 1 of the boundaries clarifier process, it’s crucial to figure out where your power lies—and that’s exactly what I’ll guide you through in today’s episode. As you’ll learn today, there are four main options for where your power lies in this process. Ultimately, there’s very little that’s fully within your circle of control, and misunderstanding this can lead you to try to take control of things you don’t have power over (like other people), resulting in unnecessary conflict and tension. Keep in mind as you work through this step and choose the best-fitting option that as you go through this process, you should end up feeling a sense of confidence, empowerment, freedom, and relief. In other words, please don’t choose an option that leaves you feeling bitter, resentful, or like a victim! It’s normal for more than one of the four options to be possible, and in this episode, I’ll guide you through figuring out which one is the best for you and your situation. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #10: Things in your circle of control include how you manage your health, what you eat, how much sleep and exercise you get, how you care for your possessions, how much time you spend with people or alone, how much money you spend, and how you parent your children. If you overestimate your circle of control, you might tell another adult what to do, or inform someone that they’re going to do something because it’s your boundary. If you underestimate what you can control, you might not create a boundary that you have the power to create. Both of these misunderstandings of your control are problematic. There are four options in step 4. Your job in this step is to choose the option that has the highest likelihood of getting you the outcome that you want. Here are the four options: You have the power to create the outcome you want. You need help to create an outcome. You need to make a request. You are powerless in the situation. Highlights from Episode #10: Victoria welcomes listeners to the fourth episode in a six-part series about the process. [00:31] We hear a recap and review of the first three steps of the process. [02:01] Understanding where you have power is crucial to the success of your boundary work. [07:05] Victoria talks about the problems that come with not understanding the limits of your power and what you have control over. [09:37] We learn what happens when you don’t see your own power. [12:36] There are four options in this step. Victoria explains what they are and gives examples. [14:33] What if more than one of the four options might work for you? [18:46] Victoria returns to the case study of Uncle Joe, which she has been using through the last several episodes to illustrate the process. [20:01] We hear about powerlessness, the last of the four options in this step. [25:41] Victoria gives several pro tips for working through this step. [27:45] Today we heard about figuring out where you have power in the situation. Victoria briefly mentions what she’ll cover next week, and invites listeners to subscribe to avoid missing an episode. [32:45] Links and Resources:
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#9: Step 3: Clarify Your Needs and the Outcome You Want
05/08/2024
#9: Step 3: Clarify Your Needs and the Outcome You Want
In the first step of my boundary-setting process, you identified a specific situation or event you wanted to address. Today’s episode, which covers the third step in the process, is all about clarifying your needs in regard to that situation, and then identifying the outcome you want. As you work through this step, let go of being “realistic.” I want you to brainstorm all sorts of outcomes for the second part of this step, no matter how far-fetched or impractical they might seem, and to allow yourself to imagine exactly what you want. If you’ve worked through this step and you’re still struggling to identify outcomes, I’d love for you to brainstorm with a friend, therapist, or someone who really understands how boundaries work. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #9: There are two parts involved in step 3: identifying the needs that aren’t being met with regard to the situation or event you’re working on. considering and exploring the outcome you want and your vision for how the issue might be resolved. To establish an effective boundary, you need to clarify your own needs that aren’t being met. These could be for things like kindness, respect, acceptance, reliability, trust, reciprocity, self-respect, and so on. The outcome you want might involve creating an agreement with someone—or choosing not to enter into an agreement with them. You might find that the best outcome for you involves limiting your contact or relationship with someone. Importantly, make sure the outcome you want aligns with the nature of the relationship. Highlights from Episode #9: Welcome to this episode, the third in a six-part series about Victoria’s boundary-setting system. [00:31] Victoria explains that there are two parts to step 3, and talks about the first part in detail. [01:54] We hear about some of the most common needs around relationships. [06:01] Victoria offers examples of specific situations and the associated needs that might come along with them. [08:20] The second part of this step is identifying the outcome you want in the situation you’re working on in this boundary-setting process. [10:30] Victoria lists three guidelines to help you if you get stuck on figuring out the outcome you want or your vision for resolving the issue. [13:59] If you create an agreement with someone harsh and critical, there are two important points to keep in mind. [17:34] Victoria brings Uncle Joe, the fictional case study character she invented for step 7, into this episode to continue her explanation of how to work through that situation. [18:40] We hear about some example potential outcomes for the Uncle Joe situation. [23:32] Victoria offers some best practices for working through this step. [29:01] People-dependent outcomes require other people’s participation. [33:24] Choosing the easiest outcome to achieve is a best practice for this step, as is avoiding vague outcomes. [35:48] Victoria closes with two pro tips for this step. [38:12] We hear a quick recap of what Victoria has talked about today, and learn the topic of next week’s episode. Make sure you subscribe to be notified when the next episode is available! [39:13] Links and Resources:
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#8: Step 2: Get Clear about Your Reality
05/01/2024
#8: Step 2: Get Clear about Your Reality
Welcome to the second part of this six-episode exploration of the boundaries-setting process. I’ll assume you’ve already listened to the previous episode about step one; if you haven’t, please go listen to that one and then come back to this episode. Now that you’ve identified a specific situation or event that you need to set a boundary around in the previous episode, it’s time to get clear about your reality as it relates to that incident or situation. To really understand what’s going on, we’ll examine the experience from three angles. First, there’s what you experienced with your five senses—that is, what you could record with a video camera (plus smell and taste). From there, I’ll walk you through how to examine your thoughts about what you experienced. Finally, we’ll explore your emotions, and how they correlate with the thoughts you identified. Don’t worry if any of this sounds complicated! I’ll use a specific, clear example throughout the episode to help you understand each facet of this step to empower you to work through it with your own situation. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #8: There are three parts to step two: What you experienced with your five senses What you thought about what you experienced What emotions you felt Understanding the difference between what actually happened and your thoughts about what happened is vital. Thinking that someone did something because they don’t care about you doesn’t make that true, for example. Your emotions are almost exclusively determined by what you think, not what happened. This may sound counterintuitive at first, but keep an open mind as you get increasingly familiar with this process. Highlights from Episode #8: Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode, the second in a six-episode series. [00:31] The second step involves getting clear about your reality. Victoria creates a fictional case study to illustrate her points through this episode. [02:07] We hear about the first part of step two: exploring what you experienced with your five senses. [06:36] Examining the facts you experienced with your senses helps you avoid confusing facts with thoughts. [09:22] Victoria moves on to talking about the second part of step two: your thoughts. [10:16] The third part of step two involves your emotions. [12:11] Victoria explains the relationship between your emotions and your thoughts, and offers an example of how thoughts often outpower data when it comes to your emotions. [16:10] We hear some pro tips for working through this step of the boundaries-setting process. [20:13] Victoria briefly recaps the episode. If you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s , her forthcoming book. [21:50] Links and Resources:
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#7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn't Working
04/24/2024
#7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn't Working
If you tuned in to the previous episode, you already know the basics of my 6-step boundaries clarifying process. To get beyond the basics, I’m going to do a series of six episodes, one for each step of the process—and this is the first of that series. Today, I’ll explore the first step of the process, which involves getting very clear about the problem. You’ll hear me say this several times in the episode, but one of the biggest things I want you to take away from listening is that you need to focus on one specific event or incident, not an ongoing pattern. One final note: as you work through this 6-step process, keep in mind that boundaries work the same way in all adult-to-adult relationships. You might make different decisions based on who the other person involved is, but the process itself is the same regardless of the other person’s relationship to you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #7: In this process, you can’t focus on a pattern of behavior or a repeated situation. Step 1, today’s topic, is all about getting clear on the problem and identifying a specific situation instead of a pattern (yes, even if it’s hard to focus on just one incident!). There are various signs that suggest you may need a boundary without realizing it. These include encountering points of stress, feeling emotional pain, experiencing severe consequences in relationships, or being unable to resolve a disagreement. Pay attention to what isn’t working for you. It’s easy to focus on what isn’t working for the other person or on what they want, but it’s important to establish what you want and figure out how to honor that. Highlights from Episode #7: Welcome to the seventh episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! [00:31] Victoria explains that the six-step process applies to any boundary with anyone, and doesn’t vary depending on who the other person is. [02:16] This episode will involve various examples of situations where it might not be obvious that you need a boundary. [05:14] Experiencing stressful situations, having arguments, or painful relationship patterns can indicate that you might need to create limits. [10:06] We learn some guidelines that can indicate the need for a boundary. [12:22] Victoria talks about one of the most important factors in working through step 1. [15:01] Experiencing a severe consequence or not being able to resolve a disagreement can be a sign that you need a boundary. [18:54] The frequency or perceived quality of sexual intimacy is a frequent area of ongoing disagreement. [22:15] Disagreements about money can also signal a need for boundaries. [23:54] Experiencing a broken agreement or commitment indicates that something isn’t working. Victoria gives some advice on what to do if this happens. [25:17] We hear two pro tips for how to work your way through step 1 successfully. [27:43] Victoria created a to help you walk through the steps of this process. [31:04] We hear a quick recap of this episode and a brief introduction to what’s coming in next week’s episode. Finally, if you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s . [31:26] Links and Resources:
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#6 - Creating Boundaries With Six Steps
04/17/2024
#6 - Creating Boundaries With Six Steps
If you’re familiar with my work or you’ve listened to my previous podcast, you might be surprised by the six steps I’m talking about now, because I’ve previously talked about a five-step process. This just proves my point that there’s always more to say about boundaries! I’ve added a new step at the beginning to help you get clear on a specific situation rather than looking at patterns before going on with the next steps. To make these six steps clear, I’ll use a case study example throughout: an imaginary Uncle Joe stopping by your house unannounced. Come along for the journey as I talk about this scenario and how to work through it across these six steps. Once you understand how the six-step process applies to Uncle Joe, you can use this case study as an example of how to take your own situation through the boundaries clarifier process. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #6: Instead of focusing on a pattern when you’re working on creating a new boundary, focus on a specific incident (yes, even if this is an ongoing problem that has been driving you crazy for years). Creating strong, healthy boundaries involves having a clear understanding of the situation and what you need from it. The helps you work your way through creating a boundary that will achieve the results you need—and this episode gives you tips and insight into how to best use this workbook. Having these six steps in your mind will help you figure out how to face difficult situations. Once they’re fully ingrained into you, you’ll be able to walk through the process on the fly. Highlights from Episode #6: Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode and recommends listening to the show in order. [00:31] Today’s episode is all about getting an overview of the six steps involved in identifying, creating, and maintaining boundaries. [02:55] Victoria lists the six steps to orient listeners before exploring each one in more depth. [07:51] We hear about step one in more detail with common examples. [09:05] There are two related pro tips for the first step: focus on one incident at a time, and don’t focus on a pattern. [12:31] The second step involves getting clear about your reality through three factors. [17:11] Victoria gives some tips for working on step two. [20:30] We learn how step two applies to the case study about Uncle Joe. [23:11] The third step is about clarifying your needs, and has two parts. Victoria also offers tips on how to work through this step. [25:58] In step four, you explore where your power lies before you take action. [28:54] Victoria offers pro tips on step four, which can be a tricky part of the process. [30:45] We hear about how step four works in relation to Uncle Joe. [33:35] Victoria shares her pro tips for step five, which is taking action to create a boundary. [36:50] The last step involves evaluating your results and seeing what went wrong if the process wasn’t successful. VIctoria also offers several tips for this step. [38:13] Victoria briefly reviews the six steps for creating boundaries. [41:20] Thank you for listening! If it’s before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s . [42:12] Links and Resources:
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#5 - How to Know You Need to Set a Boundary
04/10/2024
#5 - How to Know You Need to Set a Boundary
How do you know when you need to set a boundary? Sometimes it’s obvious, but sometimes it’s more challenging to know—or that you have the power and the right to set one! In this episode, I’ll share three signs that point to the need to set a boundary. Uncomfortable emotions, repeating stories and complaints, and even certain types of people in your life can all be signs that it’s time to set a boundary to give yourself more space, peace, and freedom. Knowing what to look for (and in the case of certain people, what to expect afterward) can help you as you move forward with your boundary work. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #5: We mostly think about boundaries being with other people, but you can also set boundaries with yourself, and these can be just as (or more) valuable. Certain emotions can indicate that you might need to set a boundary. For example, if you feel angry or overwhelmed, ask yourself if you need to set a boundary or limit to help you. Pay attention to persistent complaints or repeated victim stories. If you complain about the same thing or person over and over, you likely need to set a boundary. You may need to set a boundary if you have people in your life who tend to push back on the limits you try to set with them. Highlights from Episode #5: Welcome to the fourth episode, which will help you understand when you need to set a boundary. [00:31] Victoria gives a clear example of a time when a boundary is obviously necessary. [02:02] Three categories of your experiences can point toward needing to set a boundary. [03:10] The first category that suggests you may need a boundary is your emotions. [04:28] Persistent complaints or repeated victim stories can also suggest the need for setting a boundary. [08:03] The third sign you might need to set a boundary involves behavior from other people in your life. [09:51] Victoria briefly recaps the episode, invites listeners to subscribe, and explains that if you’re listening before May 7, 2024, you can still get the preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies! [12:03] Links and Resources:
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#4 - The Two Functions of Boundaries
04/10/2024
#4 - The Two Functions of Boundaries
Boundaries—the limits you place on yourself and others—have two primary functions: protecting you and other, and defining who you are. If you’re familiar with boundaries, especially the comparison of boundaries to fences, the first function (protection) probably makes sense. The second function may be less intuitive, but as you’ll learn today, your boundaries define who you are. In short, you’re constantly making decisions about everything from what you eat to what kind of car you drive to how you spend your time. These decisions are all boundaries, because every choice you make rules out hundreds or thousands of other choices. All of these choices demonstrate who you are and how you choose to present yourself. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #4: There are four primary types of boundaries: physical, sexual, speaking, and listening. Of these, the listening boundary is the most difficult. The four main types of boundaries ultimately have two primary functions. They protect you and others, and they define you and how you present yourself to the world. Highlights from Episode #4: Victoria welcomes listeners to the fourth episode, which will explore the two primary functions of boundaries. [00:31] We learn about the first of the two main functions of boundaries: protection. [02:57] The listening boundary is challenging and deserves further exploration in a future episode, but Victoria introduces it here. [05:09] Victoria talks about the second function of boundaries: defining who you are. [07:40] We hear a quick recap of the points in this episode. Please subscribe so you won't miss an episode, and if you’re listening before May 7, 2024, check out the preorder bonuses available for Personal Boundaries For Dummies! [09:18] Links and Resources: Beyond Bitchy three-part series on the listening boundary: , , and
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#3 - Knowing When You Don’t Have a Boundary
04/10/2024
#3 - Knowing When You Don’t Have a Boundary
Believing that you set a boundary when you actually haven’t is a common problem you'll encounter when you're learning about boundaries. This episode will help you make sure that doesn’t happen to you! Keep in mind that the boundaries I talk about are in adult-to-adult relationships; boundaries with children operate differently. If you’re wondering whether you’ve created a boundary with another person, ask yourself this question: have you made a request, and has the other person agreed? If not, you haven’t set a boundary. Telling someone what you’d like them to do or not do, making demands, and other unilateral (one-sided) interactions don’t create boundaries. If you're uncertain, confused, or you're wondering whether you actually have a boundary, this episode is for you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #3: Six Common Examples of What Boundaries Aren’t Demands. If you make a demand of another adult, you haven’t set a boundary. You can only create a boundary by making a request and creating an agreement. When you misinterpret a request as a demand. When you wrongly believe that making a request is a demand. Telling someone what you want them to do. Expressing your wants doesn’t create a boundary. Making a request that doesn't create an agreement. If the other person doesn’t say “yes,” you don’t have an agreement. The belief that your expectations create a boundary or obligation for another person. Highlights from Episode #3: Welcome to the third episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! Ready to learn about how to recognize when you don’t have a boundary? [00:31] This episode will offer six common examples of what boundaries aren’t, so you can see when you don’t have a boundary. [02:30] Victoria touches on the topic of boundaries with children, and shares a piece of advice she received. [03:26] The first example of what boundaries aren't involves making demands instead of boundaries. [08:16] We hear about the second and third examples that Victoria is exploring today. [10:42] Telling someone what you want them to do also isn’t a boundary. [12:57] We hear about the fifth example, which involves not getting an agreement from the other person, and the sixth example, which revolves around expectations. [15:04] Victoria talks about one specific word that can tip you off that you have an expectation. [18:14] Remember to subscribe to keep learning about boundaries! And if you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of the preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies. [19:26] Links and Resources:
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#2 - How Boundaries Improve Your Life
04/10/2024
#2 - How Boundaries Improve Your Life
If you haven’t yet explored what boundaries are, you might have a lot of misconceptions about how they work. People often think boundaries are “mean,” “harsh,” or “rigid,” but the truth is that when you understand the principles of good boundary work, they’re freeing, healthy, and protective, both for you and the people around you. Since you’re listening to this podcast, you're probably already on a journey of understanding that boundaries aren’t a bad thing! The truth is that boundaries improve your life in endless ways, but I’ve distilled them down to six important points. In future episodes, I’ll talk more specifically about different types of boundaries (specifically the four primary types of boundaries), but for now let's look at the amazing ways boundaries improve your life. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #2: Six Ways Boundaries Improve Your Life Boundaries create order. Think of waiting in line, for example, or your decisions around managing your time, energy, and finances. Boundaries protect you from other people. You make decisions and create limits around other people’s access to you (how close they can get, whether they can touch you, how much you want to share about yourself, and so on). Boundaries protect other people from you. Part of being relational* is protecting other people from the worst parts of your own humanity. Boundaries help you gain clarity in all your relationships by giving you information about people’s ability to respect your limits. Boundaries are indispensable for practicing pleasurable self-care by creating space and limiting access to you so that you can engage in enjoyable activities. Boundaries improve your communication. They help you become less reactive and less defensive, and help you make effective requests and create agreements. Highlights from Episode #2: Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode, which explores how boundaries improve your life. [00:31] Boundaries often get a bad rap, but the reasons are more often related to the manner in which boundaries are created or set. Boundaries are working for your benefit all day every day. [03:00] We learn about the first way that boundaries can improve your life. [04:19] Boundaries can protect you from other people in a range of ways—and they can protect other people from you, too. [06:15] The fourth benefit of boundaries revolves around clarity. Victoria offers a specific example. [07:39] Victoria explains how boundaries relate to self-care. [08:56] The last of the six benefits of boundaries discussed in this episode revolves around communication. [10:55] Victoria recaps what she covered in this episode. [12:27] If you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of the preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies. [13:45] Links and Resources: *Relational means having a set of healthy relationship skills that includes being respectful and transparent (open), using healthy personal boundaries, and demonstrating through your behavior that no person is better than or less than another person.
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#1 – Getting Started With Boundaries
04/10/2024
#1 – Getting Started With Boundaries
If you're a listener of my original boundaries podcast, Beyond Bitchy, first I want to thank you for being a listener and second, I want to give you the backstory about Boundaries Queen. In the summer of 2023, I received an unsolicited email from the publisher of the “For Dummies” series asking me if I'd like to write a Dummies® book about personal boundaries. The opportunity to share what I’ve learned about boundaries with an even wider audience was irresistible, and my new book, Personal Boundaries For Dummies, will be released on May 7, 2024! Contrary to popular opinion, healthy, effective boundaries aren’t “mean” or “harsh.” Instead, they create space and freedom—in the same way that building a fence allows you to experience your backyard in peace and privacy. If you’re skeptical about the need for good boundaries, ask yourself this: what would a world without boundaries look like? How would you function without walls, schedules, deadlines, arrival or departure times, standards, or laws? Tune in to this first episode of the new show to learn how to create peace, protection, and connection by identifying, creating, and maintaining healthy, effective boundaries. I’m thrilled that you're here, and I look forward to continuing this journey together into an even deeper appreciation and understanding of boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #1: You probably fall into one of three categories: you’ve recently realized that boundaries are “a thing,” or you have a pretty good grasp of boundaries but know you have more to learn, or you’re a counselor or coach working with clients who need solid information about boundaries but have struggled to find a good resource. Boundaries are a skill just like learning to ride a bicycle. You can learn the principles here, then take them out into the world to practice and experiment with what you’ve learned. I hope you'll go out there and make a lot of mistakes! That's the way you learn. As you start or improve your boundary work, you’ll encounter pushback and resistance. This is completely normal, so know that it's actually a good thing—a sign that you’re doing something different. Highlights from Episode #1: Welcome to the very first episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! This episode will orient you to the new show and help you get started with boundaries. [00:31] Victoria talks about how orienting calms the nervous system, using the example of finding the perfect spot to sit in a restaurant. [01:18] We hear about Victoria’s thoughts on ending the Beyond Bitchy podcast, and what's happened since then that led to the launching of Boundaries Quuen. [03:03] Victoria talks about her new book and shares her love for helping people understand how boundaries work. She also explains the backstory for the name of this podcast. [06:43] Let’s talk about you and your boundaries! [09:47] Victoria shares some important facts about boundaries. [11:48] Boundaries give you space, freedom, and peace. [14:11] What exactly are boundaries? To illustrate the answer, Victoria explores the most fundamental ways that boundaries operate in your life. [15:51] We hear a short list of the benefits of boundaries (a topic Victoria will address in detail in future episodes). [18:29] Are you listening to this episode before May 7, 2024? If so, you can still take advantage of the preorder bonuses Victoria is offering for Personal Boundaries For Dummies. [19:53] Links and Resources:
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