"Purity Culture Fed My Porn Sexpectations" - Drew's Story

Purity culture is defined as a movement beginning in the 1990’s that promotes a religious view of purity to mean abstaining from sex and sometimes even dating, before marriage. Purity culture emphasizes traditional gender roles in relationships and encourages women/girls to dress modestly so that boys/men are not aroused sexually in their presence. The doctrines and teachings are rigid and stereotypical in regards to roles and burden of “purity.” 

How does purity culture play out today for young people? 

Our guest this week, Drew, grew up in a conservative Christian household and a church that preached abstinence until marriage. He attended purity “conferences” that reinforced the rigid roles and rules. Drew openly shares how he experienced the words, images, and teachings that his church provided during his teenage years. 

For Drew, and others growing up with purity culture values, the information presented about sex was confusing, guilt-inducing, and shaming. He and other boys were watching porn and thinking that after marriage, this will be the type of sex they will engage in. The goal of porn viewing is usually masturbation and orgasm. When porn becomes the means for sexual release, the porn scripts and scenes can become the expectations you have for your partner. Drew had these expectations of his wife until he began to question and explore her needs further–thank God.

It is important to note that pornography does not discriminate between religious and secular homes. It touches everyone. According to Covenant Eyes, 68% of church-going men and over 50% of pastors view porn on a regular basis. Of young Christian adults 18-24 years old, 76% actively search for porn. Drew and his friends were not an anomaly.

In today’s SOS episode, Drew shares his personal journey to free himself from shame. He explores his feelings about the teachings he received at purity conferences, his experiences in a new marriage, and the ongoing process of unlearning harmful beliefs on both ends of the spectrum. The episode emphasizes the importance of open dialogue, education, and finding a healthy balance with sex and relationships.

Porn has the potential to destroy intimate relationships in a myriad of ways.  Luckily Drew and his wife are honing their communication skills and questioning the porn myths. They are working to understand the needs, desires, and interests (without guilt or shame) so that they both experience pleasure and true intimate connection. 

Drew provides us with an honest way to integrate our past and present understandings and consciously create healthy, reciprocal sexual relationships.

 

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 Introduction and Content Warning

00:15 Personal Experiences with Purity Culture

01:46 Defining Purity Culture

02:57 Drew's Story: Growing Up in Purity Culture

03:59 Purity Conferences and the Apple Pie Analogy

06:27 Impact of Purity Culture on Relationships

10:36 Gender Roles and Double Standards

16:54 Navigating Marriage and Sexual Expectations

26:14 Challenges and Hypocrisy in Purity Culture

27:21 Marriage Pressures and Personal Reflections

28:56 Balancing Values and Realities

34:59 The Role of Masturbation in Clarity

36:41 Navigating Godly Relationships

37:24 Balancing Strengths in Relationships

40:37 Healthy Sexual Relationships

43:45 Deconstructing Faith and Shame

49:16 The Importance of Communication

54:10 Questioning Traditional Beliefs

01:02:28 Final Thoughts and Resources