A Marriage Therapist's Insights on Relationships, Parenting, and Counseling with Scott Mallon

In this podcast episode, Chris interviews Scott Mallon a licensed marriage and family therapist. They delve into Scott's personal experiences with divorce and co-parenting, as well as a challenging patenting advice. 

Scott also discusses his professional work with addicts and first responders, emphasizing the importance of resilience and learning from his clients. He also shares some WILD storys with his time with marriage therapy! 

 

Follow Chris HERE! IG - @christarta

 

 

TRANSCRIPT 

Chris (00:00:00) - Being a marriage therapist and being divorced yourself has got to be some lessons and probably some stories that you may have.

Scott (00:00:06) - You know, after my my divorce ten years ago, Tinder, which is sort of embarrassing to admit, but but so I hopped on that, like after my divorce, kind of trying to see if I still had it. And I was actually counseling a husband and wife, and I saw the wife on Tinder.

Chris (00:00:24) - And they were.

Scott (00:00:24) - Trying to they were trying to reconcile.

Chris (00:00:26) - Their relationship. Yeah. Gosh. What's up everybody? We are back. Live today. We are here with Scott Malin. Scott is one of my best friends. Lifelong best friends. He's a licensed marriage and family therapist. He is. He works at Tri America Health and Wellness. Uh, there's offices all over, but I think your home office is Oakland, right? Yep. Um. Scott's got a lot of stories. They got a lot of stories about me. But today we're going to talk about, uh, we're going to talk mostly about him and what it's like being a therapist and what it's like being a marriage or family therapist, especially when, um, when you get to know Scott, you're going to understand that he's had a few struggles of his own in those areas.

Chris (00:01:11) - And that makes me very curious about, uh, what kind of experience, what kind of a life experience that has brought to him. Um, it cannot be easy to deal with other people's problems all day and then go home and face your own. Uh, I don't know that I could do it. I think every therapist has a special job, and they help people. And it's a very important, uh, it's a very important in our community, in our culture, to be able to do that and offer advice. Um, so what's up, bud?

Scott (00:01:42) - Not much. Uh, you know, if I thought we were going to be on video somewhere, I would have thought it would be in the news.

Chris (00:01:48) - But there may be news clips somewhere. Uh, we didn't grow up in that. That era, you know, there was a lot less cameras, a lot less videos when we were growing up. Um, which I'm. I'm.

Scott (00:01:58) - Yeah, we're grateful for. It's funny, you know, like, I just literally dealt with that, uh, you know, you talk about, like, struggles and personal life.

Scott (00:02:05) - Um, you know, my daughter's 11. Uh, she made a mistake, and it found its way onto Facebook, and it went sort of viral. Um, you know, I won't get into too much about what she did just because I like to protect her a little bit. Um, but, yeah, went viral. And, you know, thankfully, it was, like, over a break. Um, but still, when we came back from the break, uh, you know, she was getting ostracized and stuff like that. So we had to kind of come out and say, you know, you know, put a post out and kind of try to rectify what happened. But thank God we did not grow up in that time because we definitely would have been, you know, I don't know if I'd have this career. Well, they knew some of the stuff that we used to do.

Chris (00:02:56) - If I get talking, you may not have this very much longer. The, the, the I think that's an important thing that you just said because, you know, I think a lot of stuff gets done on social media now.

Chris (00:03:08) - And that seems to be like, you know, the story that you're telling is, you know, maybe something was posted and it shouldn't have been. And even adults probably jumped on the bandwagon, which absolutely is is not a great message. And, um, you know, I.

Scott (00:03:24) - Spent two weeks reading what a shitty parent I was.

Chris (00:03:27) - Right?

Scott (00:03:27) - And they didn't even know who I was.

Chris (00:03:29) - Yeah, these are people that are placing judgment. And I'm going to tell you, like I have an 11 year old also. And she makes mistakes. They all make all kids make mistakes. I made mistakes and I do it in a public setting. And to have other parents judge you and your child must make you feel so many different emotions anger, rage, sadness, embarrassment. Like I don't even know. Like you go down the list.

Scott (00:03:52) - Yeah. And and also like, just sad for the fact that, like, you know, this adolescence is a time when you're supposed to me, this is a time of learning, you know, this is you're trying to learn how to be a person.

Scott (00:04:04) - I mean, I look at these kids, you know, in middle school and holy shit. I mean, I was looking at my daughter the other day going out the house she had on her UGG shoes, a freaking Hazel sweatshirt. I'm like, your outfit's worth more than what I got, you know? And she's holding a Starbucks and a Lululemon bag and a Tory Burch bag. I don't know who these people are, but I know that it costs some money, and I think we're forcing kids to kind of grow up a little bit too fast. Um, and, you know, like when we were 11 or sixth grade, I mean, shit, I mean, it was sports and, you know, you know, there was girls and stuff like that, but we put it.

Chris (00:04:41) - On and hopped on our bike and went about our way. Yeah. And people and places we were out all day long. It wasn't like the instant gratification of Snapchat and whatever other social media kids are allowed to have.

Chris (00:04:52) - And like.

Scott (00:04:53) - You know, my daughter was wrong and what she did and what I told her is, you know, that's kind of like part and parcel to this generation because everybody's a keyboard warrior. Um, you know, if people are watching, they know me, they know I bust chops. And I have, you know, two time class clown champion, uh, both middle school and high school. But, like, and I was talking to one of our friends, and I was like, I'm surprised I didn't get into more fights, you know, because I didn't care. Older than me. You know, I went at whoever, um, but I did it face to face, and, um, now everybody just, you know, types away. And it's out there for everybody to see, and you don't get a chance to take it back, right? Like, you know, some of the stuff that we did, you know, you don't remember?

Chris (00:05:40) - Yeah. Um, I often ask you stories about my life.

Scott (00:05:46) - Um, so, like, you know, at least it gets to die. But with Facebook and social media, you know, it lives forever. And that's really an important message. I know a lot. Schools are doing programming with that. But that's an important message for parents. I think, you know, be vigilant about checking your kids. Shit. Um, you know what happened? Uh, for me again, you know, you talk about, like, my personal struggle. Um, it was in the. I was in a process. I just had an eight year relationship end, and, um, it ended really badly, uh, where it was sort of framed in front of me and my daughter that, like, she was kind of part of the problem. And so she was probably feeling, you know. Oh, yeah, she's dealt with a lot of stuff in her young life. And, you know, she probably had these feelings inside and got into a fight with her best friend, you know, like we used to do, and then just said some, some stuff and, um.

Scott (00:06:40) - You know, this happened on a day that my furniture was being moved into my new place. So like the night before I was passed out early because I was beat from from all the chaos and I didn't check her stuff. And, you know, that's what happened. And it's hard for me because I kind of shoulder load, um, in everything. I just blame myself, you know, I always think, how can I do better? Which is a good thing. But, you know, sometimes it sucks.

Chris (00:07:09) - You beat yourself up if you think you did something wrong and you could talk yourself into taking blame for something that maybe it wasn't your fault but could have been avoided. Maybe, you know, and you're you co-parent with your ex-wife. So you have half custody. Yep. So you're a single dad for half the week? I mean, you're single that all the time, but you have your daughter for half the week, which is tricky, too. You know, I'd imagine, like.

Chris (00:07:32) - Yeah, like, like dealing with that and, you know, not being all together and being able to handle stuff immediately or, or together, like, that's a whole nother level of complication to what your situation is.

Scott (00:07:45) - Yeah. There's, you know, her mom's remarried. They have another child. Um, I'm pretty blessed in the fact that, you know, her mom and I get along really well. Um, I don't know. You know, I think we put a lot of work in, uh, to kind of making that happen. And when this happened, you know, she was at my house, and I was eight minutes and we sat down, talked to my daughter, and started the ball rolling on what we were going to do to, you know, she got punished, of course, but also we made her go, you know, apologize and write an apology. I wanted her to look these people in the face, um, since she didn't on the Facebook. But yeah, it is.

Scott (00:08:23) - Co-parenting is is tough, even if you live in the same house. Um, but that gets harder when, you know, you got a kid going back and forth and you don't have the same stuff at both places. Um, but.

Chris (00:08:34) - I mean, uh, so I'm curious about your daughter went in and stood up for herself and apologized and kind of took the took the beating in person, right?

Scott (00:08:44) - Yeah.

Chris (00:08:45) - Did anybody comment on that aspect of it?

Scott (00:08:47) - Uh, so her mom like, uh, you know, took the bull by the horns and, and after, like, reading for two weeks what shitty people we were, um, she decided to, uh, you know, put something out and take ownership because, uh, there wasn't, you know, to the person who posted its testament, they didn't post my daughter's name, but kids talk and things got around. And so, um, you know, her mom put a post out, and that actually went kind of viral, too.

Scott (00:09:14) - And we got a lot of love and support in that way. I actually, to be fair, I don't read that shit. Yeah. Um, it's funny, we're on Facebook. I don't really that's part of how I keep myself saying, you know, I believe in keeping a three foot world. Um, I only take in the stuff that I want, so I try to stay, you know, avoid, you know, social media. Um, it's fun in the morning, you know, when you go to bathroom to take a look. But other than that, you know, I try to stay away from that shit because most of the people on there are fake. They're, you know, they put on what they want their lives to look like. Um, they're not really authentic. You know, it's.

Chris (00:09:55) - Funny because, you know, I started posting more about my life story and recovery and addiction and things like that, and I'm being as real as possible.

Scott (00:10:04) - Um, without going to jail with.

Chris (00:10:07) - You know, I'll plead the fifth, but, like, you know. I think the world needs more of that. That's why I decided to do it. And, you know, you see everybody's highlight reel. And I always say, that's great. You know what I mean? If we're friends and I don't see you off and I love seeing your family, I love seeing what's going on, you know, but when you could send that message of reality and struggle, which everybody has, I think it's inspirational and hopeful and it helps people like. Say, man, like, you know, they post all this, all this good shit, but you know, they struggle to of course.

Scott (00:10:36) - I would actually try to do that in therapy. Yeah. Um. Nobody wants to go to a know it all. You know, nobody wants to see somebody that they thinks got the world figured out. And I think a lot of clients do think their therapist, you know, you should have your life pretty much figured out.

Scott (00:10:53) - But that doesn't stop bad shit from happening. And, you know, it's really not about the stuff that happens to you. It's kind of how you respond to it. And so, you know, I had to take some sessions while I was moving, you know, and I had no WiFi. I'm doing tele therapy and I'm in this empty place. You know, it's kind of hard to avoid. Like, where the fuck are you? You know, like, um. And so I think if you use self-disclosure in therapy in an appropriate way, it's a real helpful tool. I think as long as, you know, your client's not kind of taking care of you. Um, you know, I tend to share stuff after I've come through it. Um, and then people will be like, Holy shit, that was, like, happening while, you know, we were working together, I couldn't even tell. Uh, and I know some of my staff has said to me like, oh, my God, like, you seem like your life is.

Scott (00:11:44) - So I'm like, well, sit down, pull up a chair. Let me tell you what's going on. And they were like, Holy shit. You know.

Chris (00:11:50) - Um, there's something huge to be said that a marriage or family therapist has been through the struggles. You know, I would appreciate that if I had to go to one. And I was listening to them and understanding that, like, oh, like that happened to you. Yeah. Now you have the real experience. You know, it's easy to kind of be educated in the, in the stuff and talk about it and not really know, but what the experience does to somebody or what the experience makes you think or makes you feel like. So I think, um. I value experience a lot in those situations, you know.

Scott (00:12:23) - Especially in this, um. You know, for me, uh, I tell people, like, I didn't learn what I learned. I mean, I read a lot of books, right? I had to I had to take a bunch of tests.

Scott (00:12:35) - I had to take a bunch of licensing exams. I'm licensed in both New York and New Jersey. Um, so there was a lot of work on the on the front end of that. But really, what's made me successful in, in my business, I think, is the fact that I've failed so much, um, in so many places that like, I'm like, oh, I know exactly what that's like. You know, I've been through it and you can, you know, everybody's different, of course, but you can offer some guidelines as to what, you know, a playbook looks like for how to get out of that shit. You know?

Chris (00:13:05) - Yeah, I think that's invaluable experience, especially for your job. You know, similarly, it's hard, like I couldn't talk to somebody about recovering an addiction that hasn't gone through it or is in recovery or attempting to be in recovery. Right. For me, that's there's an understanding there, an implied understanding with these other people. Um, I know you've, um, counseled addicts early on in your career.

Chris (00:13:29) - Maybe not so much anymore, but.

Scott (00:13:31) - Uh, well, so, uh, I'll be resuming that. We have, uh, we'll be opening a substance use disorders clinic. Um, also in Oakland, about a quarter mile from my office. Um, and we do addiction medicine there, uh, and things like that. And I've also worked, you know, I used to work for a government agency, and we had our own sort of in-house treatment program, um, for people that would self-identify like, you know, you can't lose your job if you come forward and say, like, I'm blowing lines, you know, they're not going to get rid of you. Um, but if they if that's what they.

Chris (00:14:04) - Got to say.

Scott (00:14:04) - Yeah. Like, I mean.

Chris (00:14:06) - I there's.

Scott (00:14:07) - There's some other stuff that have you.

Chris (00:14:08) - Understands. Yeah.

Scott (00:14:09) - There's some other stuff that goes on, but um, but yeah, your, your job is protected. Um, if you self disclose, but if you, you know, piss hot and.

Chris (00:14:20) - All bets are off. Consequences? Yeah. Yeah. If you come forward for help. Just like most things in life. Right? If you make a mistake and you come forward, most, most times you receive the grace, you know, and. But, um. So. When you have counselled addicts, do you find a common thread that kind of weaves through most of them? Uh.

Scott (00:14:40) - You know, I would say two things I think are pretty prominent. Uh, one is there's usually a lot of, like, history of trauma, you know, people trying to get through stuff. Um, and then the other thing which goes with that is, you know, what the substance does, which is it kind of numbs us.

Chris (00:14:59) - Um, avoidance.

Scott (00:15:00) - Right. Exactly. So, you know, there's a million different things to use to avoid stuff. Some stuff is healthier than others, right? I mean, you know, people who go to the gym seven days a week, twice a day, right? Like, that's there's something about that.

Scott (00:15:13) - But it's like, seen socially as positive. Um, but, you know, drugs or alcohol, you know, people use work. Um, you know, when we were kids growing up, nobody ever said that. Nobody ever said, like, my husband works too much or my wife works too much. Um, that was a good thing. Now, especially with, like, the way the world's been the last three years. You're never out of work because every, you know, social, uh, like telehealth for me or, you know, everybody's got zoom meetings, everybody's got a hybrid schedule now. And that actually has its downfalls too, on both ends. Right. So like one we realized during the pandemic, people like their drive home, right? Because they weren't at work. They weren't in, in, um, uh, at their home, you know, now it's like you come out your door and boom, right back to taking care of kids.

Chris (00:16:04) - That separation, I think, is big.

Chris (00:16:06) - I have an office here, which is like three minutes from my house. Yeah. You know, this is where the studio is. This is my office. Um, I share it with other people, but I get to leave my house and go to work. And when I was working at home for a long time. Uh. Is too many distractions for me, even just mentally understanding that, like, all right, here I am. It's time for work. Yeah.

Scott (00:16:24) - You're like or meeting gets canceled, you're folding laundry, you know, and so like that downtime that we used to use to recharge is, is kind of taken away.

Chris (00:16:32) - And I think being with people and around people with a similar goal and even questions come up, you talk them through, you get answers and you get opinions immediately. I know in my in my profession that helps me close deals. It helps me run things by other people. If I made a mistake or if I'm talking to somebody, somebody says, hey, you know, maybe try this or that, right? That stuff doesn't happen at home, right? You kind of limit your learning or you limit your the community.

Chris (00:16:58) - I think. Sure.

Scott (00:16:58) - Almost like support and just even support just just even support, you know, and that's a really important thing I think to for people like just in life in general. Right. There's a you know, I've worked with some top 1% of, you know, performers, uh, let's call them that. Um, and there was a, uh, like a plaque in one of the break rooms that said, sit with winners. The conversations different? Yeah. And I think when you have, like, a common goal, um, may not may be different avenues of business, like in your case. Um, but when you have people with a similar mindset, you know, obviously it's, it's going to make you better.

Chris (00:17:39) - Yeah. I mean, I'm surrounded in days, days in here, people that are, you know, ten of my success and I listen. And even the way they talk and what they talk about and the ideas are just on a different level and it it excites me to push harder, you know, and to learn and to listen.

Scott (00:17:56) - And I think people might find this odd to hear, but like even me as a therapist, I learned so much from my clients, too. It's not like a one way street, you know? Excuse me, I'm still battling this fucking cough that's been going around.

Chris (00:18:10) - Everybody, we're locked in this tiny room, I appreciate that. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

Scott (00:18:14) - That's right.

Chris (00:18:15) - If I get the feeling that when you were speaking a moment ago about the top 1%, it may have been like law enforcement or military. You don't have to say that. Yes or no, but like, yeah.

Scott (00:18:26) - So, um, I've done a ton of work in first response. Um, and I'm talking. Yeah. Like the top 1% of, you know, military professionals, the people you read about and, uh, see on the news and they write a bunch of fucking books nowadays.

Chris (00:18:41) - What what do you. What do you get from them as a as being their therapist? Like, you know what, what do you learn from them? Well, obviously I come to you for.

Scott (00:18:53) - Support or.

Chris (00:18:54) - Advice, but like, I have to think you're getting you're getting something back.

Scott (00:18:58) - I think that, you know what I've learned from them, and I don't even I think they've just reiterated a message that I actually learned from my father. Um, you know, these these men. And I say, man, I'm not trying to be misogynistic, but there are only men that are involved in this, these teams. Um, they're the hardest workers in the room. Um, always, you know, um. They have an ability to. They don't take no for an answer. You know, they'll they'll push forward. Um, I was talking to a guy in a bar. Uh, maybe this isn't the place to say that, but I was talking to a guy in a bar who.

Chris (00:19:37) - Um, two guys in bars.

Scott (00:19:38) - Two who trained, um, one of these teams in ride and razors and, um, like the alternative vehicles that they were driving around in Afghanistan, and none of them had ever been on anything like that with a motor.

Scott (00:19:53) - And he said, like they went to bed. And when he woke up, the team leader was sitting ready to go. And he goes, we're we're good now. We know how to ride. And you're like, what is it? Yeah, we stayed up all night watching videos and like reading about this shit. So for me, that's kind of one of the things that I get and also like their ability to just quiet the noise in their head. Um, and these are like proven facts, you know, whether you're in the top 1% in that, that, uh, that area or like if you listen to like the best athletes, they all have the same all the people that are in the top. Same thing with like the CEOs. They all have this ability to calm what goes on in their head. And that's something that I've worked really hard on. Um, because of my work and, and because of my exposure to that. Um, so I would say those are probably the two.

Chris (00:20:47) - I think that's a common thing, too, probably with most people to ability to calm that that noise or get grounded a little bit and be more present. I know it's a daily practice for me. You know, people call it mindfulness, people call it whatever they call it. But like, I don't care about the buzzwords. It's it's, you know, it's in your head. If once you a coach in real estate taught me once, if you're in your head, you're dead. Like, get out of it. Just use your instinct. Learn what you need to learn, committed to your subconscious, and just kind of stop thinking. And for me.

Scott (00:21:19) - Well, you should start fucking thinking.

Chris (00:21:22) - No, I don't think I should. I think it's the other way. Like, I think, you know, my thoughts can, can, can guide me in a certain way. You know, most of the time I can get it focused, you know, but there's times when I can't and I'm like, no, no, like that's not the right way.

Chris (00:21:35) - Like I just immediately want to not handle something or immediately want to, you know, work my way around something. And it's like, no, like relax. Like, don't use your gut instinct. Blurred it out, then digest it and think about what you really and.

Scott (00:21:48) - I think a lot of like addiction comes from that 200% people. That's what they're trying to quiet. Whether it's that noise in their head or that physiological experience of fear, you know, being scared of something. They use this as a way to to kind of cope. Yeah.

Chris (00:22:03) - And Tony Robbins says it, you know, you got to change your state, you know, like and if you're in control of that you can be present. You know. And I think that that's valuable, valuable advice.

Scott (00:22:14) - Sorry. My work is actually.

Chris (00:22:16) - I know we got an emergency. No. New appointment.

Scott (00:22:22) - No, just. Just team. Just my team. Yeah, just my team. Checking in about. I asked him to do something for me, and they're great.

Chris (00:22:30) - So. On, uh, on the marriage and and the marriage side. Right. I gotta think to, like being a marriage therapist. And being divorced yourself. Um, there's got to be some lessons and probably some stories that you may have, like, uh, some surprises that get thrown your way or things you find out. Um. Regarding people's situations. That is shocking. And again, we're not here to talk about anybody in specific. Like I don't want you to name any, of course, any clients. And you wouldn't do that. But like, is there anything that you found shocking or gone through that or like, wow, this is this is pretty crazy.

Scott (00:23:08) - Uh, I well, you know, after my, my divorce, um, this was ten years ago. Uh, ten years ago. I don't know, I'm trying to think how my daughter is. Yeah, it was probably about ten years ago. Um, so, like, I don't know, online dating now is, like, huge.

Scott (00:23:27) - But back then, it wasn't as big. And one of the big ones then and now was the tinder, which is sort of embarrassing to to admit, but swipe.

Chris (00:23:36) - Right or left. Yeah, yeah, I never been on it, but.

Scott (00:23:39) - Yeah. Well, I saw you on. No, um, that would be weird, right? I've been seeing guys. Yes.

Chris (00:23:45) - So especially if you if you saw me. Yeah.

Scott (00:23:48) - Um, but so I hopped on that, like, after my divorce. Kind of trying to see if I still had it. You know, after being in a long relationship, you get a little fatter, you get a little bolder.

Chris (00:24:00) - Um, little. Yeah.

Scott (00:24:02) - That's been something that's been going on for a while. Um, and I was actually counseling, uh, a husband and wife, and I saw the wife. On Tinder.

Chris (00:24:14) - And they were trying to they were trying.

Scott (00:24:16) - To reconcile.

Chris (00:24:17) - Their relationship. Oh my gosh.

Scott (00:24:19) - So that was a bit I was like, Holy shit, you know, um, so.

Chris (00:24:23) - When you get that information. You don't confront them with it.

Scott (00:24:28) - No, I, I, I don't remember how I handled it, to be honest. It was so long ago, but I definitely did not. I definitely wouldn't doubt that. Right. But also like, it definitely limits your ability to work. Right. So as a marriage therapist. Um, there's two things that I say, like we can't really work with. Like if you're having an affair and it's not disclosed, there's like a competing energy that that there's. And also if someone is using substances, believe it or not, because that also is kind of like an affair. Yeah. You know, uh, it's like an intimate relationship, but with an inanimate object that comes at the expense of all of the relationships. And so if that's not. And I've had that too, where people, you know, and then, like, they would get up and, um, I had a guy drop a bag of heroin one time leaving.

Scott (00:25:20) - I was like, you know. Um, yeah. Well, his, his wife was there, so she took care of that. I've had people, you know, go to pull their money out. Back when people used to pay for therapy with cash, um, and drop pills, you know, and sort of that get outed in there. Um, so, yeah, those are like the two things like I would say, um, yeah.

Chris (00:25:42) - That's tough man, because if they're not being honest in there and that comes out. How you can't rebuild the rest of it.

Scott (00:25:50) - Well, you know, I don't think that. Uh, the substance ones, you know, obviously came out literally. Yeah. Um, but the other one never did. You know, it never came out. It didn't. It didn't come out in therapy. And, um, I don't remember how it turned out, but I don't I don't know if they're still together or what. I obviously they don't follow that.

Scott (00:26:15) - Um.

Chris (00:26:16) - Um, yeah. I had to have that that. Dishonesty going on while they're trying to be honest and fix the relationship is just toxic, I would imagine.

Scott (00:26:26) - Yeah, he just can't do it. Yeah, you can't do it. And it sucks too, because like, you know, I try not to get attached to the outcome, right? That's like a big thing for a therapist. And you know, I kind of tell people, like, if you do, well, it's not because of me, right? Similarly, if this fails, it's also not because of me. Um, you know, it's kind of what you put into it. Um, and, you know, I learned a valuable message when we were in eighth grade, um.

Chris (00:26:54) - That I teach it now. Thank God. Thank God I was a class president.

Scott (00:26:58) - The one thing that I would say that I learned from you is if you're going to have somebody that's going to get you in trouble, make sure that they can also get you out of it.

Scott (00:27:07) - So you've gotten me in some, but you've also always been able to get me out of it. Um, but no, I learned we had a substitute, and, um, it was our gym teacher. Uh, he just recently passed away, uh, Mr. Spinella. Oh, no. Really? Yeah. And he was, like, really good friends with my dad. Yeah. And, uh, I remember we had, like, this, the substitute teacher come in, and, uh, her name. I remember her name, too. I'm like, I won't say it. No, no, no, no, she she probably passed away, though. She was like 70, I think. And she looked like the, the babysitter from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. And so all the kids were, you know, TV rots your brain, you know, and messing with her. And she started throwing kids out, and I was, like, deathly afraid of getting in trouble, even though I was like, a ringleader in that that capacity.

Scott (00:27:58) - I was so afraid of what my dad or, you know, would do when this guy came back. And I remember, like, not getting in trouble and whatever. And when he came back, um, he was, like, salivating. And I tell people like, this guy was, you know, one of the tough guys, you know, he smoked cigarettes and chew tobacco at the same time. And, um. And I think that I was talking I think he, uh, the kid that cuts my hair was in the class, and I think he, like, had him up against the wall, you know, he was like, throwing desks. He was so mad at, like, how disrespectful we were to the sub. It was like two weeks. And after class he said, Malin, you know, I'll, I want to talk to you. And I was like, oh, I'm going to get like an atta boy. And uh, he gave me a Saturday detention and I'm like, I didn't fucking do anything.

Scott (00:28:46) - And he's like, Scott, you know, you're either part of the solution or you're part of the problem. He said, you know, you sat, he goes, I said, my name is not on that list. He said, your name is also not on the absent list. So you were here. You let this shit happen. So I think that's a really important lesson, a huge.

Chris (00:29:03) - Lesson.

Scott (00:29:04) - Because if you are part of the problem, which we all are. Whatever's happening in our lives, you know. Yeah.

Chris (00:29:09) - We're contributing. Yeah.

Scott (00:29:11) - Um, then you also are the solution. And so I think that's like a great message that I've kind of that's stuck with me. Um. I don't remember why I started telling you that story.

Chris (00:29:23) - Me neither. But it's a good lesson. 100% what we were talking about. When people aren't being honest in therapy. So that's how that applies. Um, all right, one more question for you. And then, uh, we'll do another one in a week or two.

Chris (00:29:37) - But when you got to deal with everybody else's problems all day long. What do you do to, like, clear your mind of that when you have to go and face your own issues? You know, you said you had this thing with your daughter, and you have you have your ex-wife, and now you you just ended another eight year relationship. Like, those are heavy things. Yeah. So when you deal with other people's heavy shit all day. Yes. How do you deal with it?

Scott (00:30:02) - Yeah. So, like, for me, it's not like I think we've become too much of a reactive society. Like we wait for something bad to happen. I try to be a bit proactive. Um, so I believe in, like, a lot of, uh, things personally that I do that anyone can do, um, that don't cost money. So, like, one of the things that I do is I take a lot of alone time. Um, usually if I got something to work out in my head, I usually find a trail somewhere I don't run, um, but I will, like, walk or hike.

Scott (00:30:31) - Um, I like to be connected to nature and just kind of let my mind flow.

Chris (00:30:35) - That's a big thing, though. That's real.

Scott (00:30:37) - I think I do that. I try to do that actually, just like on a weekly or daily basis. Um, I've moved further away from my, the place that I used to go, but when I was living closer, I would go every single day. Um, that's one I'm a big fan of music. I think music and movement, um, go hand in hand, you know, you start. I don't dance in public, but at home, you know, I'll. I'll do a little jig, you know? Um, so I like to listen to a lot of music. Um, in my downtime, I use that to kind of set my mood. Um. I do a lot of you know, I wouldn't say it's like traditional meditation work. You know, I'm not sitting there doing. I'm, you know, but I will take, you know, when I was in a relationship, I would find that I would stay up really late at night till everyone went to bed and kind of just sit and listen to quiet.

Scott (00:31:27) - Um, same thing.

Chris (00:31:27) - That's hard sometimes.

Scott (00:31:29) - That's like one of my favorite things to do is to find quiet, like to go into nature and just hear waterfalls and just like stuff that should be there without like the, the noise of the cars and all that. Um, another thing that I do is I would also do it in the morning, and I also do a lot of breathwork, like training my breathing. Um, and I'll do that, you know, in the morning before I start, kind of get myself grounded and centered. I usually do that midday because I try to work two sets. I try to do like a morning set, um, and then have like a little space in the afternoon and then do pretty back to back in the evening. Um, so I'll usually refresh myself in the middle of the day. Um, same thing with that night, kind of after. I'll just kind of download my day.

Chris (00:32:16) - Um, I do the Tony Robbins priming. I don't know if you ever saw that.

Chris (00:32:20) - I do it, I try to do it every morning. I don't always do it. But if anybody's out there watching, check it out. Try it. It's a few minutes in the morning. It kind of gets you. Gets my head. Right. I don't know about.

Scott (00:32:28) - Yeah. So that I try to eat right. Uh, you can't tell, but, uh, I try to try to eat. Right. Um, you know, I try to count what I eat. I try to make sure I don't put any extra hormones in my body, you know, like, all the shit now is, like, altered, you know? Um, so. That's pretty much it. I'm pretty blessed in the fact that also like. You know, I tell people, you got to find your tribe. I mean, like I said, I've known you 40. Years now.

Chris (00:32:59) - Jesus Christ, man.

Scott (00:33:00) - Yeah.

Chris (00:33:00) - Um, which is.

Scott (00:33:01) - Crazy, right? And so there's like, seven of us.

Scott (00:33:04) - Six of us, you know, that that have kind of known each other all that long. So, like, every Thursday night, like we'll hang out or, you know, as often as possible. Um, and it's funny, like. It. You know, I used to come home and my partner would say, like, what'd you guys talk about? I'm like, fucking nothing, really. Like, we're not talking some laughs.

Chris (00:33:23) - Break each other's chops and talk about work if there's something else or whatever.

Scott (00:33:27) - Yeah, not even really, you know, just kind of like breaking chops and talking about sports and mindless stuff. Um, I'm still blessed to have my dad. Um, and he's a great person to hang out with. So, um, he's been a little under the weather recently, but usually I'll go for lunch with him on a Friday. Um, you know, that kind of stuff. I have a really good.

Chris (00:33:51) - Clear perspective on stuff. You know, he has a very clear, definite opinion, you know? And you know what he's always thinking.

Chris (00:33:56) - And I think that that's I think that's a blessing whether you think he's right or wrong. But to be that clear about stuff is, is is a great place to be. Yeah.

Scott (00:34:03) - He's got a lot of integrity and, uh, he doesn't really, you know. He doesn't really allow what goes on around him to change who he is. And that's something that I've been, you know, lucky enough to pick up because, you know, whether it's work or my home life or whatever, you know, I can't absorb that stuff. You know, I kind of feel it and and go through it, and then I get rid of it. Um, so, yeah, I'm, you know, I support system for me is is probably number one for everybody.

Chris (00:34:35) - You know what I mean? It it's for everybody, you know. I was talking this morning to another addict. They were texting me early. He may be watching right now, but, um, you know, I eat at the table with the people who who I would starve at the table with, you know, and and, you know, the support system is there.

Chris (00:34:50) - And, uh, to have those people to lean on is invaluable. You know.

Scott (00:34:53) - I can remember when you were in New Orleans and I was in Boston, and I can remember talking to you on we didn't have cell phones back then, but I can remember talking to you and you being in, like, a bad spot. Yeah. And I was willing to fucking hop a flight and go to New Orleans just to be with you and that. And I wasn't a therapist then. Um, you know, I was in it was like our freshman year of college, I think, because I was only in Boston for a little bit. And I can remember thinking that. And I also know, like at the end of the day or I had to pick you up a number of times, but I, you know, I also know deep down, if push came to shove, I could call any one of you guys and it didn't matter where I was or what was going on over there, you know, you guys would be there and not everybody has that.

Scott (00:35:43) - And I think that also. You know, kind of leads to some addiction, you know, because that, you know, it's loneliness. You need some people to say like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Like, um, Sebastian Maniscalco does a thing, uh, skit where he talks about, uh, some lady getting on a plane with a peacock, and he's like, if my friends saw me going to an airport with, like, a peacock, like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You know, um, like, you need people to kind of be that mirror and call you on your bus. Um, and also to be there to support you, you know, and if you have good friends, you know, makes the good times twice as fun and the bad times half is hard. Yeah. So that's like, pretty paramount for me is, is, you know, and I regulate kind of what I take in. I take in so much stuff.

Scott (00:36:34) - So much of my life and my work has been surrounded by death. Um. That like I don't watch the news. I stay informed, but I can't watch. Um. I can't watch the news. It's just depressing, dude.

Chris (00:36:52) - It's full of fear and anxiety and that's. That's what their job is. Yeah. Yeah, it's really a toxic thing. I never watch the news either. I'll pick up a few things on the internet here and there, and I try to stay up to date on current events and things like that. I talk to my kids about it, but yeah, like.

Scott (00:37:07) - I'll even, like, go as far as listening to stuff that I don't agree with.

Chris (00:37:12) - Yeah.

Scott (00:37:12) - Me too, you know, but, um, but I select the messenger. I don't just whatever's out there, um, and I don't, I don't think people are, like, as critical a consumer as they need to be. A lot of people believe what's on the news. Um, you know, I've worked with people who are newsworthy, and, um.

Scott (00:37:33) - I've gotten. You know, I used to say to people like, I get my news from from the people that are actually making it, you know? Um, I mean, even, you know, I worked at the fire department in New York City. Some of the stuff that comes out is like BBS, but you know, when you see what these guys and these women do on a day to day basis, it's so much, so much different than what gets put on the news. Same thing with the war. I did a lot of work around Iraq and Afghanistan and, um. Just like. What comes out like. I've told people stories that they don't know about, like in the early days of the war. Um, you know, we were sending men and women into combat, and they didn't even have, like, Kevlar vests. They didn't have, um, uh, ballistic vehicles. And what they were doing was they were taking, uh, like sheet metal, and they were welding it to the size of their Humvee and then shooting at it.

Chris (00:38:32) - See if it worked.

Scott (00:38:33) - Yeah. And then, you know, like, oops, that pierced another layer. But like, that's sad. You know, as a country that we're sending people to war and we're not even giving them stuff and, and you know, it's like. I know people that have been in. Under a certain regime presidency. And then when it would switch, they would they would take a leave. And then when someone else came in, they would go back, um, because.

Chris (00:39:01) - They agreed with different rules of engagement or they agree.

Scott (00:39:03) - Not just it comes down to spending, you know, it comes down to your budget. You know, I mean, you know, we spend all this money, but we're cutting budgets on, you know, ammo and, you know, the stuff that you need to survive out there. And so, um, I try not to follow too much with politics just because I think they're all full of shit. Kind of.

Chris (00:39:24) - Um, yeah, definitely.

Scott (00:39:25) - But like when you learn about the people that are going and doing the stuff they asked. It's a different story than what they put out there.

Chris (00:39:35) - Well, I find all this fascinating, man. We've been going for about 35 minutes. I think Scott and I will be doing some regular shows. So if you have any questions about this type of stuff, you know, put them in the comments. Message me, message him. He won't see it, but I will.

Scott (00:39:48) - If anybody wants stories about Chris, I'm backlogged.

Chris (00:39:51) - Well we can we could bring those up. I'm definitely down to go into. I don't want certain stories. Um, thank you guys for checking it out. I hope you check. Hope you watch the replay. And, uh, Scott said try America Health and Wellness. If you definitely if you if you're in need or anybody needs a therapist, you guys can reach out there. Yeah.

Scott (00:40:09) - We have uh, so also we have like medical providers. We have nutritionists on staff.

Scott (00:40:16) - Um, we have all different levels of therapists, people that, uh, deal with children, families. Um, we have a psychiatrist. We have a couple of nurse practitioners that are fantastic. Uh, we just hired, um, a pa, um, that's going to be working out of Oakland. Uh, he's fantastic. Does a lot of work with kids. Um, so. And we're really accessible, you know, I mean, the psychiatrist that runs the practice is, like, always available. It seems like he's licensed in 15 states. He's got privileges that I think I lost count. He has like 12 phones. So I think he has, like, privileges at 12 hospitals or something like that, 12 area hospitals. Um, and what's really cool, I've gotten a chance to see him work is he doesn't just, like, put you on medicine. Um, he'll put you on the supportive stuff, too. That helps your body absorb and use the medicine.

Chris (00:41:13) - Um, so holistic approach.

Scott (00:41:14) - Yeah, really? Like, that's what we try to do. And, and, you know, we're, you know, if you need to be seen at 7 a.m., um, when I started, they actually had to change their calendar to because they would only see people like 8 or 9. So I'll see you as early as you know. I mean, I'm crazy. I'll see you as early as 615 in the morning if people wanted to. Um, and we go late, you know, we offer late hours. And so we're, like, super accessible. We have Saturday hours. People see people on Sunday. Um, there's really no reason to not, you know, everybody says I don't have time. Well, we kind of erase that for you. Yeah. You know, we make you, you know, we make the time.

Speaker 3 (00:41:51) - Look.

Chris (00:41:52) - You gotta remove the objections, you know what I mean? And b, you got to meet them where they are, and that's part of the job.

Chris (00:41:58) - So look, this was great. I think this was a great conversation. Let us know what you guys think at home. And, uh, I'm looking forward to getting back on with Scott and, uh, continuing this message. So thanks for watching, guys.

Scott (00:42:08) - Yes. Thanks, man.