ERP 525: Why ‘Right and Wrong’ Thinking Is Hurting Your Relationship—and What to Do Instead — An Interview with Anna Sterk

Ever found yourself stuck in an argument, desperately clinging to being “right,” only to realize it’s pushing you further from the person you love? So many of us fall into this silent trap—believing that our idea of respect, kindness, or connection is universal, only to watch as those assumptions breed tension, misunderstanding, and emotional distance in our relationships.

In this episode, listeners are invited to challenge these rigid notions of right and wrong that quietly erode intimacy. By exploring the difference between complaints and vulnerable requests, unpacking the dangers of labeling and moral certainty, and learning practical approaches for negotiating needs, the conversation uncovers what it really takes to foster lasting understanding and resilient connection. Get ready to rethink the very foundations of how you communicate and repair with the people who matter most.

Anna Sterk is a senior RLT therapist and a member of the RLI Faculty. Her clinical career has been focused on systems and relationships from the beginning. She began training in Relational Life Therapy in earnest in 2012, became a certified Relational Life Bootcamp Facilitator in 2020, and joined the Faculty of the Relational Life Institute in 2022. This role has allowed her to teach other therapists and coaches while continuing to spread the RLT message of relationality.

 

Episode Highlights

04:01 Exploring subjectivity in relationship concepts.

07:57 The pitfalls of morality, rightness, and labeling in intimacy.

12:27 Vulnerability in requests versus complaints.

14:44 Getting specific: Turning desires into clear requests.

17:51 Curiosity, listening, and creating shared understanding.

22:05 Personal stories: Differing definitions of connection and cherishing.

24:05 Navigating disconnection: The role of pain and realistic expectations.

28:36 The one-up/one-down dynamic and its impact on relationships.

31:11 Cultivating accountability, ownership, and accepting limitations.

34:08 Relational grieving as a pathway to joy and acceptance.

37:42 Moving beyond othering and embracing interconnectedness.

41:36 Developing relationship skills and accessing support resources.

 

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

• Take time to specifically identify what you genuinely want from your partner, rather than settling for broad complaints or vague wishes.

• Shift from criticizing to making a clear, vulnerable request, even if it feels risky to do so.

• Openly discuss with your partner what concepts like “respect,” “closeness,” or “connection” mean to each of you to uncover differences in expectations.

• Actively listen to your partner with curiosity, aiming to understand their unique perspective instead of preparing your rebuttal.

• Recognize that pain, misunderstanding, and moments of discord are a normal part of relationships and do not always signal that something is wrong.

• Release the urge to insist on having the right answer or moral high ground, allowing for both perspectives to coexist.

• Grieve the reality that you may not get everything you want from your partner, and focus on appreciating what you do receive.

• Show curiosity toward your partner’s reality and model personal responsibility by expressing your needs without blaming or shaming.

 

Mentioned

Relational Life Institute

Therapist/Practitioner Finder

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication (free guide)

 

Connect with Anna Sterk

Websites: annasterk.com | relationship-work.com

Instagram: instagram.com/relationalmft