ERP 545: Why We Hold Back from the People We Love: The Surprising Power of Revealing More — An Interview with Leslie John

Do you think your partner truly knows what’s on your mind—or are you just hoping they’ll pick up on your unspoken cues? The gap between what we feel and what we actually communicate can quietly sabotage intimacy, leading to misunderstandings and missed chances for genuine connection. Expecting our loved ones to read our minds often leaves both sides feeling unseen and disconnected.

In this episode, listeners will uncover why it feels so risky to open up and how sharing even small, vulnerable truths can transform relationships. Through behavioral research, personal stories, and actionable tips, this conversation offers a path to break the habit of holding back and encourages a new approach to creating authentic, lasting intimacy.

Leslie John is the James E. Burke Professor of Business Administration at Harvard Business School and a behavioral scientist fascinated by how people make decisions. Her award-winning research has been published in leading academic journals and featured in media outlets such as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Economist. Born in Canada and trained internationally as a ballet dancer, she now calls Boston home, where she lives with her husband and two young sons.

 

Episode Highlights

03:39 The mind-reading trap in intimate relationships.

09:05 The everyday moments and deeper reasons people withhold thoughts and feelings.

14:25 Balancing mystery and openness in relationships.

16:57 Strategies for practicing disclosure in safe, manageable ways.

21:04 The challenges of intellectual living in a modern context.

23:08 Discernment in disclosure: When and why we choose to share.

27:15 The personality factor: Who shares and who holds back?

31:51 The upside of vulnerability and social risk.

35:29 Research-backed reflections on what people regret most at the end of life.

40:42 Repair, reciprocity, and calibrating connection.

43:29 Tools for more authentic relationships.

 

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

• Conduct a Daily Disclosure Audit: Take a few minutes each day to jot down what you shared and what you withheld in conversations, increasing awareness of your sharing patterns.

• Start Small With Sharing: Begin by revealing minor thoughts or positive feedback, such as a specific praise for your partner or colleague, to build comfort with self-disclosure.

• Practice Reciprocity: Match the depth of your sharing with the other person, gradually increasing intimacy together through reciprocal disclosure.

• Use an Emotions Wheel: When unsure about your feelings, consult an emotions wheel to better identify and articulate your internal state before communicating it.

• Clarify Your Intention: Before revealing something personal, ask yourself why you want to share and what you hope to achieve, ensuring your disclosure serves your relationship goals.

• Challenge Mind-Reading Expectations: Notice when you expect your partner to just know how you feel and instead proactively communicate your thoughts and needs.

• Widen Your Perspective on Risks: Consider both the risks of sharing and of withholding information, including long-term impacts, rather than focusing only on the immediate discomfort.

• Practice Curiosity and Calibration: If unsure about someone’s reaction, check in with them and invite open dialogue, recognizing that building intimacy is a process of ongoing adjustment.

 

Mentioned

Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)

Brené Brown

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication (free relationship guide)

 

Connect with Leslie John

Website: proflesliejohn.com

Instagram: instagram.com/proflesliejohn

YouTube: youtube.com/@ProfLeslieJohn

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/leslie-john-75928721