521: Ask David-Friendship, Rejection, and Anxiety About Sleep

Ask David: Friendship, Rejection, and Anxiety About Sleep

Hosts:
Kevin Cornelius, LMFT
Dr. David Burns
Guest: Dr. Matt May

In this Ask David episode of the Feeling Good Podcast, David Burns, Dr. Matt May, and Kevin Cornelius tackle two listener questions: one about the painful experience of feeling that your efforts at friendship aren’t being reciprocated, and another about anxiety-induced insomnia.

The conversation explores a common theme underlying both problems: our suffering often comes not only from what happens, but from the thoughts and assumptions we make about what happens.

When Friendship Doesn’t Feel Reciprocal

Brittany writes about a recurring pattern in her relationships. She is usually the one who reaches out, initiates conversations, and tries to build friendships, but she doesn’t feel that others make the same effort. She wonders: “What am I doing wrong?”

Kevin suggests an important alternative: perhaps she isn’t doing anything wrong at all.

There may be many explanations for another person’s lack of reciprocity. They may be busy, uncomfortable making new friends, or simply not interested in the same kind of relationship. Most importantly, we aren’t the right friend for everybody—and everybody isn’t the right friend for us.

David introduces the TEAM-CBT technique of Reattribution, encouraging Brittany to consider explanations other than the automatic conclusion that something is wrong with her.

The group then explores Changing the Focus, one of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. Rather than silently wondering what another person is thinking, Brittany could directly—and respectfully—acknowledge the tension and ask the other person how they experience the relationship.

But saying something this vulnerable can feel risky. What if the other person really does reject us?

David, Matt, and Kevin explore this fear through a Feared Fantasy role-play, imagining some of the harshest things another person might say. The goal isn't to create a perfect response; it is to discover that even rejection can be faced, accepted, and explored with curiosity.

The role-play produces one of the episode’s central insights: accepting another person’s criticism or rejection can sometimes be much more powerful than trying to defend ourselves against it.

When Trying to Sleep Becomes the Problem

The second listener, writing from China, describes three months of anxiety and insomnia. They desperately want to get eight hours of sleep, but the fear of not sleeping creates tension that makes falling asleep even harder. Then, when they realize they haven't slept well, the panic starts all over again.

David immediately points to the value of a Daily Mood Log. Rather than guessing what is causing the anxiety, he recommends identifying the specific negative thoughts, emotions, and belief ratings connected to the insomnia.

Matt suggests using the What-If Technique to uncover the fear underneath the anxiety:

What are you afraid will happen if you don't get enough sleep?

Perhaps the fear is that you won't be able to function, that something terrible will happen, or that you will lose control. Once the underlying fear is identified, it can become something that can actually be examined and challenged.

Kevin also challenges the assumption that everyone needs exactly eight hours of sleep to be healthy. The discussion emphasizes that anxiety about the need to sleep can itself make sleep more difficult.

David summarizes the idea bluntly: the problem may not be insomnia itself, but the distorted thoughts about insomnia. The “shoulds”—I should be sleeping; I have to get eight hours—can turn a bad night of sleep into a major emotional crisis.

The group also discusses behavioral approaches to insomnia, including sleep restriction, getting out of bed rather than lying awake and frustrated, and paying attention to factors such as caffeine and sleep habits.

Important: The discussion of alprazolam, Tylenol, and other sleep-related medications reflects comments made during the podcast and should not be interpreted as individualized medical advice. Medication decisions should be discussed with a qualified medical professional.

Key Takeaways

• Not every lack of reciprocity means something is wrong with you. Consider alternative explanations before concluding that you are unlikable or doing something wrong.
• You aren't the right friend for everyone. Sometimes the healthiest response is to recognize that two people simply aren't a good match and move on.
• Changing the Focus can bring hidden tension into the open. Rather than guessing what someone thinks, talk openly about what you're noticing and ask for their perspective.
• Vulnerability is often what makes honest connection possible. Saying “I feel hurt” or “I sense some tension” can feel risky, but it can also create an opportunity for genuine understanding.
• Use the Feared Fantasy to face rejection. Imagine the worst response you might receive and practice responding to it rather than avoiding the conversation altogether.
• Acceptance can be disarming. Instead of automatically defending yourself when someone criticizes or rejects you, try accepting what they are saying and becoming genuinely curious about their experience.
• Identify the thoughts underneath anxiety. With insomnia, ask: What am I afraid will happen if I don't sleep? The answer may reveal the real source of the panic.
• “I should be sleeping” can become part of the problem. Fighting insomnia and catastrophizing about its consequences may increase anxiety and make sleep more difficult.
• Precision matters. A Daily Mood Log can help identify exactly what emotions and negative thoughts are driving a problem, rather than relying on vague descriptions of anxiety or distress.
• Look for hidden emotions and unresolved problems. David discusses the possibility that insomnia can sometimes be connected to relationship difficulties, work problems, depression, anxiety, or other issues that haven't been addressed.

Coming Up on Ask David

The episode ends with two intriguing questions for future episodes. Kevin raises the difficult question of what to say when someone believes an antidepressant has “changed their life,” while Matt introduces a question about the possible impact of social media on mood and relationships.

As David points out, the social-media question raises an important distinction between a compelling hypothesis and something that has actually been demonstrated through research. The conversation returns to a broader TEAM-CBT theme: vulnerability and openly sharing our feelings may be important ingredients in developing deeper, more loving relationships—whether online or face-to-face.

Listener Survey

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Your voice matters—and as David points out in this episode, sometimes the most important conversations begin when we're willing to express what we're really thinking and feeling.

Thank you for listening to The Feeling Good Podcast!

Contact Information

You can reach Matt May, MD @ https://www.matthewmaymd.com

Kevin Cornelius, LMFT is a Level 5 Certified Master TEAM-CBT Therapist and Trainer and the Clinical Director of Feeling Good Institute--Silicon Valley. He specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, relationship problems and insomnia. You can reach Kevin at [email protected] and visit his website at www.tools4change.me.

You can reach Dr. Burns at [email protected].

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