Four Easy Steps To Stand Up For What You Believe In and Ask For What You Need
Release Date: 03/01/2021
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info_outlineWelcome to Jo & JJ Go Mental! We are your hosts, Joanna Denton and Dr. J.J. Kelly, the Punk Rock Doc. We are so excited to bring you a show about mental health, help you up your emotional intelligence skills, and most important of all - have fun and get some laughs in. We are dedicated to bringing you tangible skills you can implement right away to improve your relationships, bring more joy into your own life, and embrace all the awesomeness that you have to offer.
This week we talk all about standing up for our values against those who try to intimidate and bully us . We talk about a recent email that Joanna got and discuss her different possible responses towards this digital bully. Joanna shares how the email made her feel, and she walks through the D.E.A.R. approach to draft up an email that aligns with her values. While this episode talks about using this approach to say no to something we don’t agree with, it can also be used to ask for what we need, and to handle conflict.
It’s possible to stand up for your values with confidence, clarity, and simplicity, but there are important things to know! Tune in to find out more.
Takeaway:
[4:35] As an example of how to handle a bully, we will be working with a recent email Joanna received.
[6:20] Joanna explains the situation behind her email and the different replies she has drafted in her head as she lays awake in bed.
[8:12] Here on Jo & JJ Go Mental we are open to honoring our anger and standing up for yourself. The first step to any of our tools on emotional intelligence is to recognise and name the emotion we are feeling. Too many problems in life come when we think we don’t have the “right” to feel what we feel.
[8:49] When Joanna read the email, she felt intense irritation. She and JJ discuss how irritation is a cousin of anger, and how anger is commonly associated with feeling out of control, when that is not always the case.
[10:59] If you are ruminating about an issue, that means there is anger work yet to be done. One great way to process it is to write out all your ugliest thoughts.
[11:05] We discuss the interpersonal skill set: D.E.A.R (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce) and how it relates to Joanna’s email and the response she wants to write.
[13:20] Focus on the objective and less on the outcome. Here the objective is to stand up for what we believe and craft a response to the email that reflects our values. But, we can’t control the response of others or the actual outcome of the conversation. [16:51] The more anxious we are the more wordy we tend to be. There is power in being direct, potent, and concise.
[22:07] Tone is everything. We all have a responsibility for our tone.
[25:01] We are allowed to stand up for ourselves and our values, even if it pisses someone else off completely. Kindness also doesn’t mean saying yes all the time. It can look like you saying “no” for something that doesn’t fit your values or boundaries.
[27:36] In every walk of life, we are going to come across people that want something we can’t give them, and also bullies that use their power to try and keep us small and intimidated. It can be scary to say no to both these people, but it doesn’t need to be complicated, and we have a right to that.
[29:07] It takes practice to stand up for yourself, so you may need to practice by writing it out beforehand or practicing in front of the mirror or to a friend.
[29:45] Even more than just getting what you want, the real celebration takes place in skillful delivery according to your values.
Tweetables:
- “Outcome is not something we attach to.”
- “I’m going to treat you like you are grown, and you can manage your emotions.”
- “Even the most skillful delivery can fall on deaf bully ears.”
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