S1. Ep. 17 | Triggered? Time to Unpack

SO LISTENERS, I HAVE A CONFESSION:  I judge those who depend on others, and why?

because I am jealous of them.  

And why is that? Because I’ve never had that. 

Now I find myself in a relationship with someone I care deeply about - who is not perfect, who is working on themself as well - and yet because I care deeply and have certain desires, now ALL my shit is coming up. 

Has this ever happened to you? Finally, you are in a loving, stable relationship that is enhancing and growing your life abundantly but then oh, wait - out of the blue you feel deeply, deeply triggered?

“The only difference between a flower and a weed is judgment.” -unknown 

My roasted dandelion tea told me this snippet of wisdom this morning - after some serious self-work and soul searching because I found myself SUPER triggered by something that actually hadn’t happened yet. The key to my calming down was just that - recognition that what I was triggered by had not happened. I was not experiencing what was happening - but a replay of a pattern of something in my past. And in that moment I vowed to never let it affect my future again.  

You see I’ve got a lot of inner child wounding - my father left my family when I was very young.  I have no memory of him ever being a family with my mom and me and my sister.  I have no explanation from any adult in my memory that makes sense of his sudden gone-ness.  I just have a huge sense of loss there where I should have a father figure.  (now I know and understand as an adult what happened to my parents' marriage but this doesn’t change the inner child wounding of it having happened).  Now, combine this wounding with that father’s really awful ability to plan - as in he never really did plan anything - my father made a lot of promises he couldn’t or didn’t keep.  Which felt to a very young me like lies and unkept commitments and thus became large disappointments to little me. 

Combine this with being raised in part by my grandmother, a very sick chronic alcoholic who drank herself to death, and her less than emotionally available and abusive husband, my grandfather - I got ear and eye fulls of anger, toxicity,  conflict and drama and no models for productive relationships.  And I was left out in the cold in the soft warm nourishment and support arena.  I learned very young the only person I could depend on was myself, and to brace myself for disappointment and people’s rage and anger because it was inevitable. Best I could do was make myself small, quiet, unnoticed, keep my head down and follow the rules to access support through achievement. And maybe if I achieved enough someone would give me positive attention through that recognition at least.  I learned to replace joy and love with achievement and productivity, I learned I had to earn love because I never got it unconditionally.  

 

I learned don’t state your needs, don’t demand anything, and don't depend on anyone. It's a lonely existence but it keeps the conflict at a minimum and your basic survival needs generally get met.  It left me longing for support and connection but I found substitutes for that along the way. 

OK pause the depressing story Angel what on earth does this have to do with a quote about judgment on a tea bag? Or any law of abundance??

Well, judgment is just that, perspective. Judgment is a tough act and I’m going to admit that I have a lot of it. Like I said before, I judge those who depend on others because I am jealous of them. Because I have never allowed myself to depend on someone else.

My MIND has them disappointing me before it has happened.  My mind has me wanting to react, project, push away and run away before the disappointing event (in reaction to not the current present but the disappointment of the past) so that disappointing event doesn’t happen to me again.  But if I do what my mind wants me to, I've then created conditions that guarantee a repetition of the past, and that make a cause for it to be in my future. 

The answer: Step back and ask what am I actually reacting to? Is it real? Did I make it up? What is the big hairy bear that wants to eat me?  I knew last night in the moment to not react to the trigger. I leaned in to intentional conversation - I didn’t get the response I wanted or expected (mind me, that is) so I paused, I reframed, and recognized I was still reacting to something not there. I was judging myself, I was creating things that were not said. Then I was able to name it. 

Disappointment Bear.  It is a big ugly one I do not like facing.  I’ve self-medicated, I’ve stayed in unhappy jobs, in unhappy or unfulfilling relationships because staying allowed me to not experience it.  Disappointment Bear.  But Disappointment Bear is now looming in front of me like a giant picnic of repetition and I’m starving.  Hey boo boo?

Yet wait - I have brakes, I have tools, I can meditate and identify and name the bear (the fear, the trauma, the damage, the baggage) I don’t have to give in to it and repeat the pattern. 

A magickian, a kabbalist, a buddhist, a hermeticist can all be self aware enough to see the chain of cause and effect, see where mind is making up illusion, and shift it to see the moment and the objective facts of what is happening - such that good cause can be generated for positive effect.  

A trigger is a space for learning if it can be examined, versus giving into it and starting another cycle and putting that past into your future. 

If you start to feel something scary, first think, are you responding to something longer than 15 seconds, if you are at 5 minutes, 15 minutes, or an hour of trigger you are generating a pattern that puts the thing you are reacting to into your future. Also after the 1st 15 seconds you can know if it doesn't pass through you that you are reacting to something from your past that you need to clear very badly.  And you are NOT reacting to what is actually happening in front of you right now.  (in my case I was reacting literally to nothing, nothing had happened yet, or did, but man my mind was so certain it had or would). 

Anyway this 15 second rule is a diagnostic tool that you can use.  If you use it it can help you break out of some serious stuff and clear it up for you. 

I’m currently in a  King Salomon healing series known as Mind Region - this series is deeply kabbalistic in that we are finding ways to peel away the masks one wears.  To find those places where I’m still in survival mode and transform them to be my most authentic self 100% of the time, truly living my purpose - which is helping others find their purpose and joy in life.  So it's no wonder stuff is coming up as I’m committed to doing this work and being an example for others. So, now I’ve gotta look at the masks I wear and why I wear them.  

Two big ones:

Disappointment 

Judgement

Judgment protects me from the disappointment bear. I judge myself, others I don’t have to face situations where I could be disappointed again.  I can preemptively judge situations to such an extent as to completely avoid them, and live a very unfulfilled life - but it will save me from disappointment bear. 

Telling you all this is not easy for me. In fact, in my past I would have gladly lit myself on fire (or whatever analogy you want to use) if anyone suggested an activity where sharing my triggers was on the menu. 

But I have evolved and it has helped my life tremendously. 

Today I share with you “my process.”

And why? 

1. I have to learn to be vulnerable for my own progression
2. I have to tell myself the truth about what is really going on in my life if I’m ever going to have healthy, productive, intentional communication with myself and in relationship with others
3. Me doing this out loud and publicly is modeling a useful diagnostic tool for you all. 

The law of abundance here is to always unpack that which triggers us. Frequently we are not reacting to what is happening but to something that happened in our past.  Some illusion and story made by our negative ego.  Supporting this law is the need for everyone, myself included to get tools and support to learn how to unpack triggers.  Then in the moment USE those tools versus setting in motion a cause for future replays of the trigger and cementing it into our reality again. 

So you can look at the trigger as a weed, as something that needs to be pulled, poisoned or killed, or you can look at it like a flower, a seed, an opportunity. It is part of you after all, to know and understand and look at. Why is it that color? Why is it here open in front of me? What seed will this plant? 

The difference is literally in your judgment (good or ill) about what you choose to see and then do.  In my case, in this situation it still remains to be seen if I will be disappointed. Jury is out, my trust issues are on a high alert, but so is my LOVE for myself and my partner.  I lean into loving myself and not repeating old patterns, not reacting to myths and ghosts to prevent non-existent harms.  

It is highly likely that by approaching things this way that I’ll actually find the support I crave to come from another because I’ll be honest, vulnerable and available and open to receive it.  Instead of guarded, shut down, closed off, on the offence to create the best defence. 

Ultimately the love, support and compassion I need comes from within.  And the forgiveness of myself for sins I never committed.  Little me did nothing wrong to make adults act the way they did around me.  It had nothing to do with me.  They were dealing with their own shit.  I just got caught in the crossfire creating a sound I’ve carried with me my whole life.  

But I’m ready to let go of these woundings. So I can start working on my purpose, and get out of my own way.  So I end today, my beautiful listener, with a quote from the Erykah Badu song that has always stuck with me and feels very poignant right now. 

“All you must hold on to - is you….one day all them bags gonna get in your way.

So pack light….love can make it better.” 

I can help with that    - Visit latterelllaw.com