Healing Relational Trauma to Find Purpose (with Barb Nangle)
Release Date: 08/24/2025
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info_outlineMy guest became friends with a homeless man from her church and took it as a sign from God, confirmation that her volunteer work with homeless people was on the right track. A few months later, during a snowstorm, she invited him to stay in her home instead of a shelter, because, she says, "I'm a nice person, that's why I do this." A few weeks later, that man was practically living with her, and she felt trapped in her own home. That's the moment Barb Nangle hit what she calls her "codependent bottom" in 2015, at 52 years old, after decades of therapy and self-help work that had never once given her the word she actually needed: codependent. What followed was a crash course in relational trauma, the kind that doesn't come from one explosive event but from years of quiet, ongoing emotional invalidation.
Barb is a boundaries coach, speaker, and the founder and CEO of Higher Power Coaching and Consulting, and she hosts the podcast "Fragmented to Whole: Life Lessons from 12 Step Recovery." She walks me through the haphazard, meandering path that took her from a church parking lot to Codependents Anonymous to Adult Children of Alcoholics, and how nine and a half years of 12-step recovery quietly taught her to build boundaries before she even had the word for what she was doing.
We get into what relational trauma actually looks like when your childhood home had food, a lawn, and parents who loved you, why "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" are the three rules that keep dysfunctional families running, and how to hold a boundary calmly instead of waiting until you explode.
Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8_HlHgFMww
In this episode
- Why relational trauma can look like a quiet "drip, drip, drip" of emotional invalidation, not one big explosive event
- Why relational trauma doesn't require physical abuse to be real, and how comparing your pain to someone else's can retraumatize you
- The three dysfunctional family rules: don't talk, don't trust, don't feel
- Why healthy boundaries start with naming your top five values, not with confrontation
- How to hold a boundary calmly instead of waiting until you explode
- Why "you're not being disloyal to the family, you're being disloyal to the dysfunction"
Timestamps
- (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Barb Nangle, boundaries coach and founder of Higher Power Coaching
- (01:00) Hitting a "codependent bottom" in 2015, and a homeless man named Dan
- (01:54) The ACA meeting: "we reparent ourselves"
- (08:51) Why relational trauma doesn't require physical abuse: "you've experienced 100% of your trauma and 0% of other people's"
- (11:45) Why the person who sets the boundary gets attacked in dysfunctional families
- (16:06) "Denial is the glue that holds dysfunctional families together"
- (18:31) How 12-step recovery accidentally taught Barb to build boundaries
- (22:23) Practical boundary examples: bedtime, smoking, weekend emails
- (24:52) What to do when someone pushes back on a new boundary
- (28:36) Why setting a boundary doesn't have to be confrontational
- (31:57) Where to find Barb's free Boundary Building Starter Kit
About Barb Nangle
Barb Nangle is a boundaries coach, speaker, and the founder and CEO of Higher Power Coaching and Consulting. She hosts the podcast "Fragmented to Whole: Life Lessons from 12 Step Recovery," which recently passed its 300th episode. After hitting a "codependent bottom" in 2015 at age 52, she found healing through Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and Overeaters Anonymous, and has lost over 100 pounds from her top weight along the way.
Learn more at Barb's website, or grab her free Boundary Building Starter Kit. Her podcast is at fragmented2whole.com.
Favorite quotes
"You're not being disloyal to the family, you're being disloyal to the dysfunction." —Barb Nangle
"Denial is the glue that holds dysfunctional families together." —Barb Nangle
"Building healthy boundaries got me into integrity with myself. It got me to live in alignment with my values." —Barb Nangle
Resources mentioned
- HigherPowerCC.com: Barb's coaching website
- Boundary Building Starter Kit: Barb's free multimedia kit, with videos, worksheets, and an article for anyone who says yes when they want to say no
- Fragmented to Whole: Barb's podcast, "Life Lessons from 12 Step Recovery," including a playlist of episodes specifically on boundaries
Related episodes
- Boundaries - Why Can't I Set Them?: more on the boundary-setting work Barb builds her coaching practice around.
- Getting Pulled Into the Past: Our Shame Response and the Impact of Unprocessed Trauma: pairs with Barb's story of unearthing childhood relational trauma.
- Why Traditional Masculinity Is Failing Modern Relationships: another conversation on how relational trauma and trust get rebuilt in adult relationships.
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