Breaking the Masculinity Trap (with Kristal Desantis)
Release Date: 09/07/2025
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info_outlineA patient once told me, in confidence, that his love language was physical touch, but he couldn't just ask for it. So instead he leaned into a reputation as a player and used sex as the vehicle to get the one thing he actually wanted: to be held. That story is exactly why traditional masculinity is failing so many modern relationships, according to my guest today, licensed marriage and family therapist Kristal Desantis. Men are more touch-starved than most of us realize, she says, and the old script never gave them another way to ask for it.
Kristal specializes in relationships, trauma work, and sex therapy, and her insights have been featured in Newsweek, HuffPost, The Good Men Project, and Time. She grew up surrounded entirely by women, in a family of six girls, then moved from Japan to an American women's college and got her first real look at male culture working in a sports bar. That outsider curiosity became her life's work: understanding why the old three P's of masculinity (protector, provider, procreator) collapsed almost overnight, while nobody built men a new script to replace it.
We get into the "masculinity trap" (criticized for being too stoic, then judged the moment you open up), why so many men are touch-starved, and the first two pillars of Kristal's STRONG model: safety and trust. If you've ever wondered why the men in your life seem damned if they do and damned if they don't, this one's for you.
Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HObnxsijlHY
In this episode
- Why the old three P's of masculinity (protector, provider, procreator) don't work in modern relationships anymore
- The "masculinity trap": criticized for being too stoic, then judged for opening up
- Why so many men are touch-starved, and how that quietly shapes their choices
- The STRONG model's first two pillars: safety (the four S's) and trust
- Why "getting the ick" from a man's vulnerability keeps men stuck in performance mode
- A practical first step for anyone whose worth has gotten tangled up in money, height, or status
Timestamps
- (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Kristal Desantis, licensed marriage and family therapist
- (00:57) Growing up around women, then discovering American dating culture from a sports bar
- (05:50) The old three P's of masculinity: protector, provider, procreator
- (09:53) Why men are people too, and where are the resources for their emotional growth
- (11:28) "Damned if I do, damned if I don't": vulnerability and getting "the ick"
- (14:03) A patient's confession: using sex as a stand-in for touch he couldn't ask for
- (16:40) Building the STRONG model for action-oriented men, like veterans and first responders
- (16:40) The four S's of safety: self-awareness, self-regulation, stability, being safe with emotions
- (23:14) The "multi-option woman, no-option man" trap, and dating by wallet
- (25:43) One practical tip for men without a support system after a bad date
- (27:22) Trust, attachment styles, and repairing a broken promise
- (32:27) Where to find Kristal's book, Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man
About Kristal Desantis
Kristal Desantis is a licensed marriage and family therapist known for her expertise in relationships, trauma work, and sex therapy. Her insights have been featured in Newsweek, HuffPost, The Good Men Project, and Time. She is the creator of the STRONG model of relational therapy and the author of "Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man," available in print and on Audible.
Connect with her on LinkedIn, or visit her website at strong.love.
Favorite quotes
"Nobody else gets to tell you how much of a man you are." —Kristal Desantis
"You can't bring the stability if you are the chaos." —Kristal Desantis
"Masculinity is not something that you have to perform. It's not something you have to earn." —Kristal Desantis
Resources mentioned
- Strong.love: Kristal's website
- Kristal Desantis on LinkedIn
- "Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man," Kristal's book, available on Amazon and Audible
- "The Boy Crisis," referenced for the "multi-option woman, no-option man" framing
Related episodes
- The Art of True Connection in a Lonely World: more on building the kind of emotional safety Kristal describes.
- Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Connection: An Interview with Coach Lee Hopkins: another conversation on what it costs men to stay guarded.
- Finding Purpose After Relational Trauma: pairs with Kristal's chapter on trust and repairing broken promises.
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