31. 3 Things We Would Tell Our Younger Married Selves If We Could

What would you say to the “year 1–5” version of your marriage? In this conversation, Joe and Shelby look back over 27 years together and share three lessons they wish they’d known at the start—practical, heart-level shifts that would’ve saved them from a lot of unnecessary conflict and helped them grow faster, together.

1) Listen for understanding (not for your turn to talk).
Joe shares how, in the early years, he often listened just long enough to respond—then realized he needed to slow down and truly hear Shelby. They reference James’ “quick to listen, slow to speak” posture and the simple counseling exercise of repeating back what you heard to confirm understanding. Their family shorthand helps too: Do you need to be Heard, Helped, or Hugged? (the “3 H’s”).

2) Learn to trust—and release control.
Shelby opens up about how past trauma made trust harder and fed a need to control “everything,” from bills to schedules. The shift came by believing Joe had her best interest at heart and doing inner-heart work (healing) so she didn’t carry old baggage into daily life. They also note the Love & Respect “motivation cycle” and how trusting each other’s intent (and ultimately trusting God) changed the tone of their home.

3) Choose the right relationships for your marriage.
If they could go back, they’d intentionally build a “relationship ecosystem”: mentors/coaches ahead of them, friends walking beside them, and younger couples to pour into. They’d also invest money earlier in coaching and conferences rather than assuming marriage resources should be free. As a gut-check, they ask: who are the five couples you spend the most time with?

Why this matters right now
These three shifts—hearing to understand, trusting instead of controlling, and surrounding your marriage with the right people—don’t require a perfect season, just a willing heart and a few repeatable habits. They’re the kind of moves that turn daily friction into daily formation.

Try this this week

• Use the 3 H’s: before responding, ask your spouse if they need to be Heard, Helped, or Hugged.
• Identify (and schedule time with) one mentor couple, one peer couple, and one couple you can encourage.
• When tension rises, practice the repeat-back: “What I hear you saying is…” and confirm before solving.

 

LINKS:

• Website: redesignyourmarriage.com
• Facebook: www.facebook.com/redesignyourmarriage
• Instagram.com/redesign_your_marriage
• instagram.com/_shelby_seeley

 

Quick Episode Summary: 

• 0:00 – We Wish We Knew: 3 Lessons That Could’ve Saved Us Years
• 1:00 – Not Stocks…Marriage: From “Buy Bitcoin” to Real Wisdom
• 2:00 – Lesson 1: Listen to Understand (Not to Reload)
• 3:30 – The Fix That Works: “Repeat Back” Active Listening
• 4:50 – The 3 H’s: Do You Need to be Heard, Helped, or Hugged?
• 6:00 – Lesson 2: Trust > Control (Shelby’s honest share)
• 7:30 – Love & Respect Cycle: Why Intent Matters (and trusting God)
• 10:30 – Do the Heart Work: Inner Healing Early Beats Cleanup Later
• 11:30 – Lesson 3: Choose Your People (Mentors, Peers, + Who You Pour Into)
• 12:30 – Invest Like It Matters: Coaching, Conferences, Growth
• 13:30 – Right Friends, Right Direction (avoid misaligned circles)
• 14:30 – Pouring Out = Leveling Up (why mentoring helps YOU)
• 15:30 – Gut-Check: Name Your 5 Couples (your marriage ecosystem)
• 16:30 – Don’t Just Tell Your Younger Self—Apply It Now
• 17:30 – Your Turn: Share Your One Thing (IG + FB Group)
• 18:30 – Marriage = Journey, Not Destination (get 1% better)
• 19:30 – Subscribe + Free Coaching Intro Call (details inside)