S7E02: Summer Series: Taking a Break from Sex

One of the biggest myths about sexuality is that the more sex you're having, the better the relationship is. Perhaps that's true, perhaps that isn't. But the myths around quantity place extreme pressures to perform sex, and a lot of panic around seasons with a lower quantity of sex. 

This week, as we continue our summer series "Taking a Break From...", Julia and Jeremiah talk about:

• Sexual Sabbatical (3:00): Julia kicks off todays topic: “Sexual sabbatical is the intentional choice between sexual partners to either take breaks from certain sexual experiences or to scale back sexuality in some way for the health of the relationship or individuals within the relationship.”

• Eroticism in EMPish Spaces (9:00): Jeremiah says, “Purity culture fuels eroticism fuels sexual tension, eroticism being attraction plus obstacles, and the obstacles being the heavy dosage of morality and sin based language around sexuality.”

• Anxiety and Sexual Sabbatical (16:00): Jeremiah notes, “Taking a break from sex could be extremely anxiety provoking for an individual or a couple. If you learned that sex was the primary and most important way to communicate affection to your spouse, and also to communicate affection to God, any decrease in sexual behavior would come with a degree of religious or moral failing.”

• Christian Sex Books (18:00): Julia reads a quote from The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, a book she had to read as a part of her pre-marriage course: “Sex is perhaps the most powerful, God created way to help you give your entire self to another human being. Sex is God's appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you. You must not use sex to say anything else.” 

• Pressures of Sex in EMPish Context (21:00): Julia shares, “I specifically want to focus on the pressure around the frequency of sex. In the early days of my marriage, my ex-husband and I would pray before we had sex because we thought that might heal what was so painful, both literally and figuratively about sex. If what Keller says about sex is true, if everything that I learned about sex was true, then something was deeply wrong about my experience”

• Transitions and Pressure (25:00): Jeremiah names, “The transition point between pre marriage and post marriage. Pre marriage, you have this excitement and then marriage comes, the honeymoon comes, and then that's when the weight of the crushing expectations gets felt and experienced in, as you've described before in this podcast, really debilitating ways.”

• Spiritual Pressure (28:00): Julia shares, “The thing that I learned from before I could remember that would be a source of joy, fuel my marriage, and represent my commitment to God and my husband actually became a massive source of emotional and physical pain. This has eternal ramifications when you consider the spiritual element here or the religious element here. Although I would have never admitted it, I got married to have shame free sexual experiences. And it was this very thing that ultimately tore my marriage apart.”

• Frequency (30:00): Julia highlights: “The most important point for today's episode is that the frequency and quality of sex will change throughout the course of the relationship in all types of ways. Not only is this normative, but this is also healthy. Despite what we learned from Tim Keller and a myriad of other sources, frequency of sex changes.”

• Turning a Narrative on its Head (35:00): In discussing a conference they both attended, Jeremiah says, “The presenter asked the question and I thought this was brilliant. What would happen if we assumed asexuality rather than sexuality with all of the subsequent assumptions that come with it?” 

• Sexual Activity Statistics (41:00): Jeremiah reads, “In the U.S. we found through the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior that between 2009 and 2018 there was a rise in adolescents reporting no sexual activity from 28.8% of young men in 2009 to 44% of young men in 2018. 49% of young women in 2009 and 74% of young women in 2018.” 

• Looking at the Decrease (43:00): Julia notes: “You and I have mused about how the use of social media, particularly the ways that we all exist as avatars, have not allowed young people to develop necessary social and sexual literacy skills to engage sexuality. Especially in moving from the digital world to quote unquote in real time. That being said, we must also remember that young adults may be giving themselves more permission to engage relationships differently, including decreased sexual activity. So even for myself, I need to remember that this decrease is not necessarily Inherently problematic.”

• Pleasure (48:00): Jeremiah says, “Pleasure requires planning. It doesn't just happen.”

• Deciding to Take a Break from Sex (52:00): Jeremiah answers, “I don’t think there’s any right way of fully distinguishing between the need for a break from sex versus the need to explore it in a new way … That being said, I think asking yourself questions can be helpful. One of these questions might be,  does the thought of stepping back from sexuality, the quantity of sexuality, bring me peace, excitement, or comfort? Or does the thought of taking a break from sexuality, reducing the quantity of sexuality fuel more distress, anxiety, or dissatisfaction?”

• Ebbs and Flows (54:00): Julia highlights, “Taking a break from sexuality could be a week, a year, a month, forever. It literally could be anything. So don't get too fixated on any kind of permanence here. The whole point of this episode is that the frequency of sex ebbs and flows, despite the crushing pressure that you inherited from EMPish structures, you get to decide what you want for your relationship.” 

• Relationship 101 (55:00): One of the Relationship 101 points of today from Julia: “Talk about sex with some humor and some levity. Talk about your bodies in honest, silly ways.”