S9E06: Ask a Sex Therapist: What Do I Need to Consider When I Have Sex for the First Time? With Erica Smith.

This spring, we are answering ten of the most common questions that we hear as sex therapists. 

This week, we're exploring the question, "What do I need to consider when I have sex for the first time?"

We created six different scenarios that a person might have for the first time:

1. A general first time sexual experience, and considering what you disclose (and don't disclose) ahead of time.

2. Oral sex and stimulating another person's clitoris or penis

3. A same-sex sexual experience.

4. Anal sex.

5. A sexual experience that involves vaginal penetration

6. Group sex.

And we've invited the amazing Erica Smith to help us process these six scenarios. Erica is the founder of Purity Culture Droput. Check out these gems from our conversation with Erica:

• Short List (9:00): Erica kicks us off with her shortlist of tips for folks diving into new sexual experiences, “ Number one is an authentic desire to have sex … Do you want to have sex? Are you doing it because you feel like it’s now time, or because your friends are pressuring you or because a partner's pressuring you?”

• Making Up For Lost Time (12:00): Julia notes, “ I would caution you if it's motivated by. Only a desire to make up for last time versus an authentic desire for that type of sexual experience. Maybe ask some more questions of yourself to ensure that this is a good fit for you.”

• Disclaimers (14:00): Erica shares, “ I like to ask people, so why do you want your partner to know these things? And then to examine that. So if you are telling them, ‘Hey, I was raised pretty religious and I don't have a lot of experience,’ if you're telling them that because you feel like you need to come with a warning label, like there's this is bad about me, I'm giving you the disclaimer.”

• Myth of Disclosing Baggage (16:00): Jeremiah says, “ There's such a myth that I have to disclose either my dirty baggage, the disclaimers you talked about, or I have to prove to you why I'm worth having sex based on how many times I've had sex before … or those types of things as a way to try to market myself to market my sexuality as opposed to … what's the information that I wanna share? And then also being honest about what might be the purpose of a sexual experience at this particular time.”

• Engaging with a New Culture (21:00): Julia says, “ the lesbian community in Boston is different than the lesbian community in Minneapolis … So that means if someone is having a new sexual experience for the first time, especially if they're coming out as queer for the first time they're also engaging a new culture.”

• Navigating Sexuality (23:00): Erica points out, “ A little more context for these guys that I've talked to, they're seeing Grindr as you mentioned … there's other websites or other apps that very specifically are about hooking up with like the nearest hot person. And then in a lot of gay male culture, there's also stereotypes about how young and hot and ripped you have to be … So there can be an overwhelming thing to navigate for anyone, let alone someone who is coming from such a deeply sex negative environment.”

• Reducing Sexuality to One Body Part (26:00 - 28:00): Jeremiah, Erica, and Julia all discuss, “I also want to  recognize that one of the greatest sources of shame for men, especially in an evangelical Mormon and Pentecostal cultures, is the male asshole.” Jeremiah says, followed by Erica: “ Penetrative anal sex is elevated as the way that gay men have sex, and so  I think it's important to provide some education that like that is not true of everybody. There are so many different ways to have sex when you have two bodies with penises together.” Julia adds: “ So dehumanizing to reduce someone to one specific body part, whatever that body part is.“

• Protection (32:00): Erica highlights, “ We're on the verge of a terrifying public health crisis, and so I wanna be so clear that bottoming during anal sex is actually the highest risk sexual activity we can participate in terms of HIV and STI risk. And that's not to stop anyone from doing it, but it's to say, please protect yourself.”

• Misconceptions about Experience (36:00): Erica notes, “You are not actually sexually inexperienced if you've shared that you're doing these other things. And I hope that that can be a liberating thing to think about. You know, it's not that you haven't done anything. You've had lots of wonderful sexual experiences. You're just talking about a different item off the menu.”

• The Hymen (40:00): Erica says, “ The hymen is a very misunderstood body part … Some hymens wear away with time and age, and sometimes you might be ready for your sexual debut and you might not have a hymen. And that's okay … and bleeding isn't a sign of anything bad. You do not need to bleed upon your first penetration.”

• Group Sex & Uncomfortable Feelings (45:00): Julia says, “ When I'm talking with clients who are having, let's say, group sex for the first time, or opening the relationship for the first time … I'll often really gently warn clients that you might have unexpected thoughts and feelings come up that could be distressing because this is new for you and that's normal.”

• Continuing the Conversation (49:00): Jeremiah adds, “ if you can create systems within the relationships that you're doing this to be able to process the things that you'd wanna do differently next time. The re-engagement with the limits that we just set. Is that something that works? Should we do this again? Do you wanna do this again? The capacity to continue to return o the agreements that you make.”

• Sex Doesn’t Have to be Perfect (51:00): Erica says, “ Not every sexual experience you have is gonna knock it out of the park. Nothing does. Like not every meal you cook is great. Not every time that you engage in your favorite hobby is the best thing you've ever done. It's like sometimes it just is a little disappointing and it's okay.”

• Healing Differs (53:00): Erica notes, “ In order to be healing from purity culture harm. I mean, sometimes people are like, I just wanna have a better orgasm with my husband of 25 years. And that's liberation for them and I love that for other people. They are going to kink events and sex parties and I hope that that is what is truly the best for them. But we are all so different.”