S9E03: Ask a Sex Therapist: Does Planning Sex Kill the Vibe?

This spring, Julia and Jeremiah are answering ten of the most common questions they hear from clients, exvangelicals, and the larger cultural zeitgeist.

One of the most common questions is "Does planning sex kill the vibe?"

In this episode, Julia and Jeremiah talk about the distinctions between planned and spontaneous sex. While many of us desire spontaneous sex, the reality is that, for many of us, sex is more planned than we might realize. And that's fantastic!

Join Julia and Jeremiah for a hilarious, thought-provoking, and enriching conversation about: 

• Truthiness & Vibes (6:00): Jeremiah kicks us off by defining a Colbert-era term and his dislike for vibes, “ Truthiness is the idea that something is true, not because it is true, but because it feels true. Or another way to say it. The vibes are good."

• Ignoring Feelings (7:00): Julia notes, “ And to be fair, how something or someone makes us feel is important. And for me, growing up in evangelicalism, I learned to ignore my feelings, including some really important feelings. So we are not telling you to ignore your feelings.”

• Physiology (13:30): Jeremiah says, “ For many reasons, spontaneous sex is easier to access for folks with younger physiology or in earlier stages of the relationship. As folks age, and as long-term relationships become more mature, spontaneous sex is often less available. The onset of Viagra and Cialis has reinforced the idea that a person with a penis needs to be ready to go spontaneously.”

• Planning (18:00): Julia discusses: “Spontaneous sex can be like those rare occasions when you can call your besties and meet in an hour. Good for you. But almost all the things that we love in this world will require our planning, and we've accepted that.”

• Sexual Growth Beliefs (23:00): Jeremiah summarizes, “ The first of these is called Sexual Growth beliefs. People who adhere to these ideals think that satisfying sex has a lot of different variables to it, and they recognize that sexual health happens through effort, ongoing conversation, and practice.”

• Magical Connections (28:00): Julia explores her theory, “ I would posit that sexual destiny beliefs are more likely to exist in a culture such as ours that doesn't have effective ways to talk about sexual and relational health. A culture that defunds comprehensive sex education, and a culture that suggests you are your most effective self by how well you perform sexuality, specifically gender roles.”

• Spontaneous Sex (35:00): Jeremiah discusses “ Talking about spontaneous sex can be a window into describing our favorite ideal or fantasize sexual experiences, which is great. However, as we'll talk about in a few minutes, the way we think sex should be is often quite different from the way that sex actually gets enacted. This is especially important for folks in longer term relationships.”

• Talking about Sex (39:00): Julia summarizes, “ What we're drawing from this research is that when a couple talks about sexuality consistently, they're able to more realistically reflect on how sex actually happens for a couple.”

• Rekindling Desire (42:00): Julia discusses Barry McCarthy’s book, “ To briefly summarize, McCarthy suggests that setting realistic expectations around what our bodies can do physically, psychologically, and relationally, are tantamount to relational health and sexual health. He invites couples to consider that at least 85% of sexual experiences are about connection and celebrating the relationship rather than performing the perfect individual sexual experience, which comes with a lot of pressure.”

• Connection over Performance (43:00): Jeremiah adds, “ if the sexual relationship is about the relationship rather than the performance of the individual, that can help to reduce the fear of failure, such as the success of our genitals, as well as the fear of our partner rejecting us.”

• Responsive Sexual Desire (47:00): Julia says, “It's important to remember that folks with responsive sexual desire need more intentionality and structure to move into a sexual experience, and that doesn't make their sexuality less valid or important.”

• Relationship 101 (50:00): Jeremiah shares one of today’s tips, “ Talk with your partner about one thing you appreciate before a sexual experience, one thing you appreciate during a sexual experience, and one thing you appreciate after the sexual experience.”

• Sexual Health (52:00): Julia says, “ As mentioned at the beginning of the episode, sexual health is a blend of planning sex, setting up a structure that works for all partners and relying on spontaneity, flexibility and ad-libbing or improv to access, excitement, creativity, and fun.”