S7E03: Summer Series...Taking a Break from the Performativity of Weddings.

Our work as relationship therapists invites couples to consider the variety of ways that their relationship could look, based on the values, traits, and preferences of the people in that relationship. Plenty of couples choose monogamy because it best aligns with these characteristics. However, performative monogamy refers to cultural aspects that reinforce explicit and implicit expectations of sexual exclusivity. 

On that note, we're talking this week about the performativity of weddings. Evangelical weddings take this a step further as the marriage and wedding ceremony represent the socially sanctioned way for two people to become sexual persons.

We're joined by our marketing and communications director, Maddie, for this episode. The three of us talk about:

• Too Hot Too Handle (5:30): Julia kicks us off by discussing the Evangelical undertones of reality dating shows: “In these seemingly sex saturated types of shows, they're not as liberal as one might expect. There are usually puritanical rules underneath it.”

• Capitalizing on Performative Capitalism (11:00): Julia notes: “I immediately think of how the wedding industry simultaneously creates and then capitalizes  on the concept of performative capitalism … wedding dresses made of elaborate materials that folks typically only wear once are sold for thousands of dollars.”

• Weddings as a Status Symbol (13:00): In discussing his own wedding Jeremiah highlights, “I think this is true in a lot of weddings that the bride becomes the symbol of the family's success. Both their success financially, and their success in raising a Christian daughter who is following all the rules of purity culture.

• Evangelical Weddings (29:00): Maddie says, “With my evangelical background, the idea that you have to wait until marriage to have sex. And so the engagements are super fast. So you might date like on average, it was about a year before he would propose. You'd say yes. And then you're married where statistically you're not even at a point where you've started to have tension as a couple and are learning how you're going to navigate that. You might be a year into a marriage before you even hit that.”

• Giving Away the Bride & Patriarchy (32:00): Julia notes: “Patriarchal structures are about relationships between people. And relationships between social systems. So Maddie, when you talk about the giving away of the bride, that is still describing a relationship system in which the woman has some sort of belonging to the parental structure …  And then ultimately say, our relationship between father and daughter is now transitioning to daughter husband, because of course the dominant norm, even in secular context, is a heterosexual wedding.”

• KitchenAid Mixers & Marriage (37:00): Maddie shares, “When I moved to Boston …  I remember I really wanted a KitchenAid stand mixer when I graduated college. But my mom actually said, don't get one now,  they're really expensive just register for it for your wedding. So I never bought a mixer. The idea that there were a lot of basic kitchen implements I didn't buy because my mom actually said, ‘just wait until you can register for that for your wedding.’ Because she's bought a million KitchenAid mixers for all her friends. And it was going to be my turn for her friends to buy me something like that.``

• Who Society Rewards (43:00): Jeremiah highlights, “Weddings remind us that society doesn't necessarily value the people that are most in need. Society values people and funds people who, like, follow the gender scripts and the family scripts.” 

• Lack of Modernization (45:00): Maddie says, “The wedding, at least in the U.S., the whole thing around them, it hasn't evolved to fit modern society. In the 1800s, you would leave your family's home and get married and you had nothing. So  like people were going to like help you furnish your house and, you know, build out your food stockpile … But it hasn't adjusted to how society functions now. And we're still rewarding financially and with our attention what was kind of necessary 200 years ago.” 

• Morning After Breakfast v. Garter (51:00): Maddie answers, “At least at the breakfast, it's going to be like more elbowing and winking at the couple, as opposed to the pressure is on the woman, it's like, she's just an object that is undressing and you're just sitting there pretending to smile when it's like really far up your thigh. Everyone's watching you and you're just kind of reduced to like who the action is being done to.” 

• Surviving Weddings (01:05:00): Maddie offers a piece of advice, “Find one ally. Like, if you can bring a plus one, I would always just bring one of my close friends because then we are guaranteed to have a better time.”

• Relationship 101 (01:11:00): Jeremiah shares, “You don't have to go to every wedding. If there are weddings that you don't want to go to though, and you feel pressure to for certain reasons, take a minute to think about what might happen either if you don't go or if you don't go to every event right in the wedding.” 

Let's heal together!