S8E08: Letting the Dust Settle: Grieving Following the Election

We close our series on How to Practice Social Justice This Election Season with a two part episode called "Letting the Dust Settle".

We now know the outcome of the election. For many folks, there's an enormous amount of fear, anxiety, and dread about the behavior and decisions of the incoming administration. There's also a tendency, especially on social media, to respond to every negative step that the Trump administration makes.

In these two episodes, we distinguish between a reactive sense of urgency and a grounded sense of urgency.

And the most important characteristic of a grounded sense of urgency is taking the space that you need to grieve in a way that's most fitting for you.

In this episode, Julia and Jeremiah talk about:

• Defining Grief (8:00): Julia discusses, “As a reminder, the stages of grief developed by Elizabeth Kubler Ross are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's important to remember that these stages are not linear...Grief often starts with a fantasy outcome not being met.”

• How Grief Looks (11:00): Jeremiah shares, “One of the big parts of grief for me is fear. I'm terrified about what's going to come in the next couple of years and looking at statistics, looking at what other people are writing about helps me pretend anyway, like I have a sense of control over the completely uncontrollable outcome from election night.”

• Funding & Media (16:00): Julia covers, “Local news and media companies also receive the majority of their funding from conservative groups. So when Republicans complain about the mainstream liberal media being more dominant, that is simply not true. You and I have discussed in the last few days that there are no equivalent structures that support liberal media and values.”

• Advocacy & Funding (20:00): Julia highlights, “Our limited resources do not allow us to always do the advocacy work that we would like to do. And we're seeing the disparity between our lack of resources and the resources that funded the Trump campaign and other more conservative platforms. Grieving acknowledges not just the individual impacts, but the communal impacts of a negative outcome.”

• A Vote for Trump (26:00): Jeremiah explains, “Another way to say what you're saying from my perspective, a vote for Trump is the equivalent of my house being on fire., you being aware that my house is on fire, and you choosing not to do a damn thing about it because you want to protect your own interests rather than actually being my goddamn neighbor.”

• Love Thy Neighbor (27:00): Julia says, “People feel betrayed, particularly people who voted for Kamala Harris, whose rights depended on her election, and know people they loved, including family, did not support them. The biggest source of betrayal is that folks who taught me to love my neighbor, to treat my neighbor as I wanted to be treated, to do justice and love goodness and walk humbly, are the most consistent source of folks who voted for Trump.”

• Fear on the Horizon (34:00): Jeremiah says, “I've noticed a lot of similarity between the last few weeks and the first few weeks of the COVID pandemic. A lot of fear. A lot of uncertainty, a sense that something really harmful in society changing is on the horizon. 

• We are not alone (35:00): Julia shares, “I experience a deep sense of sadness and grief for these people who I love, but in a way that pulls me closer into relationships with them.  A few weeks ago, you and I had some meaningful conversations with a few women in the exvangelical world. And while I leave these interactions with a lot more information to process, I also feel held by these folks in a way that reminds me that whatever crazy shit happens in the first hundred days of the Trump administration and beyond, I'm not alone.”

• Family Estrangement (37:00): Jeremiah discusses, “For most folks who decide to go no contact though, that decision comes after years of attempting to negotiate and renegotiate new family expectations to no avail. The decision to go no contact is seldom an impulsive one.  But, going back to the definition, family estrangement refers to a myriad of options that someone can make to diminish communication and contact, often out of a recognition that values and needs no longer align.”

• Conversations Post-Election (40:00): Julia says, “A conversation with direct language in which you say, Here is what happened. This is how you voted. And the consequence of this is that. For example, I am no longer going to share with you about my fertility journey, given limited access to abortion care.”

• Two-Choice Dilemma (41:00): Jeremiah continues, “The two choice dilemma. You have two hard things.  You can't have both, you have to pick one. And as we talk about in relationship therapy, holding people in that two choice dilemma is an emotionally exhausting, painful process. Both for, in this case, the family member who voted for Trump and the family member who voted for Harris.”

• Evangelical Political Alignments (44:00): Julia notes, “We have to sit with that grief. We have to reckon with it. It's by no means the first time that we've seen Evangelicals align with abhorrent behaviors from politicians and lawmakers. But each time there's a part of me that hopes maybe this is the moment that the evangelicals who I love will realize that the behavior of the Republican Party do not align with the behaviors  And once again, I and others are devastated by the outcome here.”

• Mental Health First (48:00): Jeremiah says, “From a personal standpoint, your mental health and your relational health is really, really important. So, if that means getting off of social media and risk losing some of the tech capital that comes with that in terms of likes and engagement, Do that. Your mental health is really, really important.”