S9E01: Ask a Sex Therapist: Can My Relationship Survive Deconstruction?

Deconstruction is the process of re-evaluating the worldview and behavioral expectations of a specific community. 

Talking openly about sexual experiences that exist outside of purity culture dictates is one of the fastest ways that a couple from a high control religious context may begin deconstructing.

Season 9 of Sexvangelicals explores ten of the most commonly asked questions that we receive as sex therapists. And it starts with perhaps the most stress-inducing question of all:

Can my relationship survive deconstruction?

In this episode, we talk about:

• Relational health assessment (6:00): Jeremiah discusses the assessment they created (along with Maddie) available on Substack Relationship 101: “ Ultimately, we're not here to tell you whether or not you should stay married. We don't place a judgment on where your relationship lands as you navigate the sexual and relational impact of deconstruction. We hope that you'll make that choice using your values to guide you, rather than relying on the behavioral expectations of others.”

• Problem Saturated Narratives (11:00): Julia breaks down the assessment title and implications, “The title itself suggests what therapists would call a problem saturated narrative rather than a strength based narrative. Also, the title suggests only a binary outcome. Either the relationship is in trouble or it's not. We ultimately decided to keep this title because this is the language that folks in my practice use when they are worried about their relationship.”

• Actually Talking (14:00): Jeremiah notes: “Talking about sex and sexuality well first means actually talking about it. Many couples that I've seen for therapy have had some of their first conversations about sex in my office …  if you followed all the rules and expectations of the church, there wasn't really anything to talk about. The norms of EMPish communities do not leave much room for negotiation or conversation.”

• All Talk (17:00): Julia shares, “ So all that to say, talking about sexuality, even talking about sexuality well or well ish, doesn't necessarily translate into the positive experiences of giving or receiving sexual initiation. In all our talking about sex, in all of the book discussions about the Christian books we were reading, we never had conversations about how we actually wanted to initiate or receive initiation for sex. “

• Narratives Around Physical Pain (20:00): Julia says, “ On the topic of physical pain, I truly cannot tell you how often I heard that sex for women hurts the first time. And sometimes it just hurts, even if it's not your first time. That was to be expected in Purity Culture.” 

• Young and Married (the Church Group (25:00): Julia reflects on her time in a church group, “ It reinforces this idea that you get married young and the best way to be an adult is to be young and married. If you are then a person in a partnership who is deconstructing on your own or you and your partner are deconstructing, you are also potentially embedded within communities that have very strict and stringent expectations.

• Systems & Pushing Back (27:00): Jeremiah notes, “ One of the key themes of working with systems is that when one person changes the system will not change along with you. The system will do whatever it can to push back and to maintain stability and homeostasis."

• When Religion is No Longer Unifying (30:00): Julia says, “ So if you and your partner are noticing that religion or religious spaces are no longer unifying and actually causing strain and conflict, perhaps the relationship needs some support in determining the next steps, whether or not the relationship continues and whether or not the relationship continues to stay in religious spaces.”

• Relationship 101 (33:00): Jeremiah says, “Talk to your partner about your concerns. You are not going through this alone, and your partner is the person closest to your experience.”

• How Do I Find a Therapist (34:00): Julia and Jeremiah discuss their three pillars, “ How do I actually find a good therapist or coach? Because it is a super, super daunting process. So I ask folks to consider three different pillars that will hopefully set you up for a positive outcome:

1. Clinical scope of practice.

2.  Consider is the relational fit. 

3. The third pillar to consider is the logistics pillar. This includes online versus in person work, cost of services. Availability for scheduling. All of this is self explanatory, but necessary to consider.”