S9E02: Ask a Sex Therapist: Are My Genitals the Star of the Show?

This spring, we're answering the most common questions that we receive about sexuality. A lot of questions revolve around our genitals. How are they supposed to look? How are they supposed to function? What happens if they don't function the way that they're "supposed to function"? the

In this episode, we challenge three assumptions about our genitals.

1. Your worth as a human being is defined by how your genitals look or function.

2. The thing that lets us know we've had a successful sexual experience is orgasm.

3. The best way to orgasm is through vaginally penetrative sex, which typically only leads to male orgasm.

These assumptions generate the orgasm gap, the fact that men orgasm way more than women do. We close the episode by talking about 15 ways that a couple might connect that leads to both partners orgasming.

Check out our conversations about these topics:

• Internalizing Harmful Messaging (2:00): Julia starts us off, “ We all internalize messages about our bodies, especially our genitalia. We can't escape it.”

• Vulva Assumptions (6:30): Julia discusses, “ First, unlike men who learn that their penis should be as big as possible, women learn that the vagina should be tight and that vulvas that have lean labia are most attractive. Per usual, the message is to take up as little space for women or folks who have vulvas and vaginas.”

• BDE (12:00): Jeremiah notes, “ The assumption with BDE is that having a big penis equates to higher assertiveness, higher confidence, higher competence, and ultimately a better man. So, what happens if you don't have a big penis?“

• Social Constructs (15:00): Julia says, “ Ultimately if you're listening to this episode, it doesn't matter if your flaccid penis is one inch long or six inches long. or shorter or smaller. What I learned in my sex therapy training program is, like you said Jeremiah, that the idea of a micropenis is just a social construct.”

• Human Behind the Penis (18:00): Jeremiah shares an excerpt from the book, “Noren is a Swedish photographer who took pictures of men's penises and asked them to describe their relationships with their penises. He writes in his introduction, "Many men have insecurities about how their penises look, and compare themselves with actors from pornography.  It creates feelings of shame and insecurity.”

• Messaging Around Genitalia (21:00): Julia discusses, “ Vaginal penetration is an important part of the sexual experience for a lot of people, but many people, regardless of orientation, are not having vaginally penetrative sex. When we place the expectation that the best way to orgasm happens through vaginal penetration, we put a lot of pressure on the human anatomy.”

• Erections & ED (24:00): Jeremiah discusses, “ So erections are almost exclusively about blood flow moving into and filling what's called the corpus cavernosa. The corpus cavernosa is a spongy material inside the penis. So whenever a man gets anxious, that internalized pressure--men almost always carry pressure and anxiety in our hips, in our core. Whenever a man gets anxious, that internalized pressure manifests through a tightening of the pelvic floor muscles.”

• Erections & ED II (24:30): Julia continues, “ If erections biologically are about blood flow into that region of the body, that means a person with a penis could be aroused without an erection. Psychological erection could trigger an erection, or sometimes when a person has an erectile concern, they might have an erection and then very quickly lose it when the anxiety occurs.”

• Pornography is Not Sexual Education (28:00): Julia says, “ Without accurate sex education available to children, adolescents, and adults, people only have pornography to turn to. And linking back to what you were saying, Jeremiah, that means men learn a lot of terrible, inaccurate messages about their penises.”

• Viagra (32:00): Jeremiah says, “ We see this with Cialis and Viagra as well that one of the side effects of those two drugs is delayed ejaculation or retrograde ejaculation. When it is misappropriately diagnosed, it can provide counter indicative sexual results.”

• Mystified Vulva (35:00): Julia highlights, “ The idea that the female orgasm is more elusive combined with the idea that women are inherently less sexual makes it easier to deprioritize orgasms for folks with vulvas. Which contributes to the orgasm gap.”

• Orgasm Gap (36:00): Jeremiah notes, “ This misunderstanding and lack of prioritization of female orgasm and how we research sexuality and psychology informs the public's misunderstanding and de-prioritization of female orgasm. For instance, too many men are taught that female orgasm happens through vaginal penetration.  It's true for some women, but more often than not, orgasm happens through a combination of ways to stimulate the clitoris.”

• Orgasm Gap Statistics (38:00): Julia shares these (depressing) statistics, “ There was a fantastic study a few years ago that asked over 52, 000 people, excellent sample size, about their sexual habits, including orgasm. Straight men reported orgasming 95 percent of the time. Gay and bisexual men reported orgasming 88 percent of the time. The big kicker is for women. Lesbian women orgasmed 86 percent of the time and bisexual and straight women orgasmed 65 percent of the time.”

• Duration (43:00): In sharing 15 tips that women who orgasm more share, Jeremiah notes, " Number two, women who orgasm more have a longer duration of a sexual experience. This gets back to what I was referring to a bit earlier regarding the length of time that it takes for a vulva to lubricate. And more importantly, for psychological arousal to occur.”

• Aftercare (44:00):  Julia notes, “ Number five, women who orgasm more praise their partner for something they did sexually. We've said this on the podcast before. Aftercare is often the most important part of the sexual experience. Make sure that after a sexual experience, be that 5 minutes, 5 hours, or even 5 days later, you're letting your partner know what you liked.”

• Prolonged Sexual Space (46:00): Jeremiah argues, “ However, if you write out what you'd like to have happen sexually, that takes five to ten minutes of visualizing and imagining the context of an ideal sexual experience. Writing out a sexual experience or fantasy or texting it puts you in a prolonged sexual space that allows your body more time, more space, more senses engaged that allow you to get physiologically aroused in a way that sending a dick pic or a boob pic may not.”

• Genitals are not the Star of the Show (55:00): Julia says, “ While having our genitals stimulated can feel amazing, most of the contributors to orgasm for women are connected with effective, thorough descriptions of what you'd like to happen to your body, or what you'd like to happen  with the relationship outside of your body.”