Incorporate New Traditions Into Old Traditions

Hello & welcome to the Grief Unplugged podcast. I am your host, Heather D. Horton.  Grief Unplugged is a podcast that frees professional women from the blockages of unresolved grief so they can find purpose in their pain and embrace their new “normal” while sustaining productivity at work and in life.

In episodes 1 & 2, I told my story about the event that changed the trajectory of my life and gave specific details of how I have navigated my 13-year grief journey.  In episodes 3 through 6, I provided you with a vast toolkit of resources to begin shifting you from grief to a place of gratitude when you are ready.

Episode 3 explored giving yourself permission to grieve as one of the most fundamental ways to begin moving forward instead of remaining stuck in your grief.

In episode 4, I showed how you could stand firm in your faith and face your fears because there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not inadequate as Marianne Williamson, Our Deepest Fear, describes in her poem but you are greater than you could ever imagine because of where you are right now and what you have gone through. I also talked about what therapeutic support means and how you have to be intentional about it to support you on this journey. 

In episode 5, I showed you how to leverage your emotions, invite them to tea or your favorite non-alcoholic beverage and then escort them out the door and take back your power. 

In episode 6, I showed you how to start to transition from focusing on the death/loss you experienced to remembering and honoring the life of the person you loved or the thing or situation that no longer exists.

Today I will show you the importance of Incorporating new traditions into old traditions as you navigate your grief journey. It is an opportunity for you to create renewed attitudes, behaviors and perspectives resulting in transformational awareness and actions.  At this point, we have come to realize that we can’t change the past.  Noted author Corinne Edwards says it best; we have to give up the hope for a different or better yesterday. 

Stop hoping things would have happened differently or that things could be like they were in the past.  Create new traditions to remember your loved one or that loss.  The only point of power you have is right now.  You can still include something old in the new tradition.  Brides are even able to include something old on their wedding day.  Maybe just tweak the old way by including something that puts your signature on the occasion. 

You may be hesitant about changing an old tradition.  You may be concerned that you are moving on from the person or situation or letting go of that memory.  Without beating yourself up, I want you to allow space for you to open your heart to consider other possibilities.  One of the new traditions I created after losing my mother was how I celebrated the holidays.  From childhood to adulthood, my extended family all lived within a 5-10 mile radius of each other.  We did everything together, sporting events, church, family dinners on Sunday, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.  You name it; we were together.  After my mother passed, I didn’t want to see or be around anyone related to me.  Not that I blamed anyone for what happened, but as an introvert, I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts for a long time.  But I had little say over that because I wore a C-collar to mend my neck fracture for three months after the accident.  Someone had to drive me everywhere, or I was always with someone which is hard after living alone. 

The moment that I was able to drive again and eventually move from Louisiana to Arizona, I began to create my traditions.  I decided for my sanity that I would spend one holiday by myself each year.  No family. No friends. No one but me and whatever I decided to cook.  My mother loved to cook, and I was very fond of her cooking.  I had managed to learn how to make a few dishes just like she did.  I would set the table for myself and enjoy the dish by myself in peace and quiet and focus on memorable times with my mother.  My extended family and even the families that adopted me while I lived in AZ thought it was a bit extreme, but I had to create boundaries for my sanity. 

As the years passed after my mother’s death, I begin to tweak the traditions again and starting coming home for the holidays more after my nephews were born.   I had to make a new tradition to get back to the place of gratitude for appreciating being with my extended family during the holidays.  

If you need a little inspiration to get to the place where you can think of something new, I encourage you to try this exercise.  It’s called the 50 Smiles Project.  Take just two minutes to write down everything that makes you smile.  You can this once a week or daily.  One of your ideas may help you to create that new tradition.  One of the biggest roadblocks you will encounter when trying to incorporate new traditions into old traditions is forgiveness.  The antidote to forgiveness, however, is love.  It frees us from emotional suffering, being held hostage to bondage emotionally, physically, and psychologically.  Letting go of the hurts and even perceived wrongs opens one up to receive the abundance of life.  Don’t let unforgiveness rob you of your joy. 

Grief is usually heightened during the first year after trauma/loss.  You begin to ask yourself, am I supposed to celebrate this? Is this honoring that person or experience? Am I reopening wounds by doing this?  Planning helps to eliminate the challenges that come up during these times.  It may seem silly, but it is so important that you plan for the all the special days that will occur especially in the first year.  Things go much more smoothly when you have a plan.  A tool that I use when coaching clients is called the Firsties project.  It gives you the opportunity to show gratitude to a life well lived and the opportunity to honor that person’s life and legacy.  It also gives you an opportunity to cherish the memories of your experiences that occurred before your loss by adding your unique touch to the new tradition.  This exercise is not only good for firsties but just in general when special days occur whether it be birthdays, father’s day, mother’s day, the anniversary of the death or experience, etc. 

July 30, 2017, would have been my mother’s 70^th birthday.  A flood of emotions came to my mind just thinking of that milestone and what we would have done if she were still alive.  I don’t officially celebrate Mother’s Day regarding my mother anymore; however, my mother’s birthday has become my mother’s day celebration of her.  I would take a sewing class as my mother was a supreme seamstress in her memory or spend the day at the spa with one of my adopted mother figures in the area to honor my mother.  I knew it was her 70th, July 30, 2017, but it didn’t hit me until the actual day came.  I didn’t have a plan.  It was on a beautiful Sunday, not a day to be inside.  I normally volunteer for several hours at church on Sundays that year.  I just thought that I would find some way to celebrate after my volunteerism ended. Surely someone would be available to help me reminisce and celebrate.  However, everyone I called was unavailable.  I called my sister in NC to make sure she was ok.  Then afterward I was so distraught that all I could do was take a nap. 

My energy was zapped.  I slept for 3 hours.  It didn’t seem like taking a nap was the thing to do to remember my mother.  I honestly felt like I let her down.  But in the end, I remembered that she loved to rest on Sunday.  So once I quieted my spirit, I was able to enjoy that same rest and honor her in the process.  It was nothing big, but I still celebrated her with the new tradition I created.

When thinking of incorporating new traditions into old traditions, I want you to ask yourself this question and truthfully answer it, in what areas of my life do I need to prune?  It is only when you make the choice to let go that you can fully allow and receive all the beauty and joy that is available to you.  If you don’t prune negative people, unhealthy lifestyles, non-supportive people from your life, you tend to remain stuck in your grief.  My challenge to you is for you to think about the areas of your life where you need to prune as you incorporate new traditions into old traditions and continue to shift your grief to gratitude. 

I want to thank you for listening to this episode. I hope you will join us for our next episode of the Grief Unplugged podcast.  I truly believe that community = strength.  So, if you are interested in engaging further with our community, you can join our private FB group, Professional Women Transcending Grief by accessing my business page on FB by searching for @hortonheatherd and click Visit Group right under my picture!  Or if you are interested in one-on-one grief support, access my website at www.heatherdhorton.com and click on GET SUPPORT to schedule your breakthrough session and learn more about my 90-day intensive grief coaching program, Reclaiming Your Power.  

To stay engaged with the podcast, search for Grief Unplugged on iTunes, GooglePlay, SoundCloud or Libsyn.  Also, please subscribe to the podcast, so you know when the next episode is available and feel free to post a review, let me know what topics you want to hear discussed and share the podcast with your tribe.  Until next time, keep moving forward.