John Wang | Breaking The Patterns: How To Heal Generational Wounds Blocking Your Success + Self-Worth

Wellness + Wisdom | Episode 738

What if the stories you’re clinging to are preventing you from becoming your truest self? And are they even your stories to begin with?

Leadership Coach John Wang joins Josh Trent on the Wellness + Wisdom Podcast, episode 738, to share how cultural pressure, generational wounds, and the fear of “not being enough” shape our identity from a young age, why challenging these scripts can help you rewrite your life, and how to close the gap between who you think you should be and who you really are.

"The language that your parents speak to you becomes the language that you speak to yourself for the rest of your life. And if your parents didn't know how to speak the language of love, the language of nurture, the language of understanding, then it's likely that you didn't learn that language either." - John Wang

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In This Episode, John Wang Uncovers:

[01:00] Generational Healing

• John Wang
• Why we unconsciously carry our ancestors with us.
• How our breathing, speech, and ideas are learned from our parents.
• What it takes to become our true selves.
• Big Asian Energy by John Wang
• What inspired John to write his book.
• How we take on patterns that are invisible to us.
• Why the unconscious patterns help us survive.
• How our parents speak to us is how we speak to ourselves.

[08:55] Parenting Styles

• The three parenting styles.
• How John's mother was authoritative and his father was passive.
• Why we need self-leadership to be a leader.
• How the flow state is illusive.
• 512 Alison Armstrong: Unconscious Emasculation, What Women Don’t Understand About Men + How To Get The Love You Want
• Why John was trying to live up to his parents' expectations.
• How he felt not good enough because he was always reminded that someone was better than him.
• Why children are not able to reason and perceive everything as their fault.

[18:55] Healing Modalities

• Why our story is everyone's story.
• How we need to break down the performances to find out who we truly are.
• Why IFS is one of the most powerful healing modalities.
• Cory Muscara
• How writing a book made John look deeper into his wounds.

[23:30] Unconditional Love Is Your Birthright

• What drives us to seek fulfillment.
• How we are conditioned to believe we're not worthy of approval and recognition.
• Why what our parents tell us is actually them speaking to their inner child.
• Unconditional love is everyone's birthright.

[28:25] Positive Mapping

• How John uses neuro-linguistic programming in his work and personal life.
• Why the brain works like a search engine.
• How he reprogrammed his brain to search for the positive things.
• Why positive thinking is ignorance.
• The Work of Byron Katie
• How to find out whether our beliefs are true or not.

[33:50] Asian Culture Patterns

• Why being Asian wasn't an advantage for John when growing up.
• How he believed he wasn't a good Asian because he didn't fit in the culture.
• What patterns frequently show up in Asian upbringing.
• How John used to change his behavior according to the people he was around.

[38:40] Are You Making Yourself Sick?

• Why John mapped out the seven archetypes.
• How we can become passive observer.
• Why most Asians are high achievers.
• How we make ourselves sick through high-performance anxiety.
• What led John into his dark night of the soul
• How stress and anxiety gave him ulcers.
• Why self-forgiveness is an essential step in learning to love ourselves.
• How John was holding shame and guilt for failing his family.

[47:40] The Vow of Radical Honesty

• Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton
• Why all of our problems come from not being honest enough.
• The importance of using "I" language instead of "you" language.
• Why John committed to only telling the truth for one year.
• How he confessed to his parents what he did when he was younger.
• Why his father didn't know how to talk about John's depression.
• How honesty creates genuine relationships.

[55:55] Truth Gets You To The Right People

• It's heroic to tell the truth.
• Why we desire to impress others and sell them a certain version of us that we want them to see.
• How we can't match everyone else's values.

[59:05] Take Off Your Mask

• How wearing a mask in a relationship stops us from getting to truly know each other.
• The Game by Neil Strauss
• How John was desperate for love, respect, and belonging.
• Why his wife was his friend for three years before they went on a date.
• How they got clear on going from friendship to dating.
• Why true masculinity is about service, mission, and leadership.
• How we create hidden contracts.

[01:08:30] Overcome Your Fears In Safety

• How ghosting has replaced breakups in younger generations.
• Why confronting our fears in a safe way helps us overcome the anxiety of the unknown.
• How it's not our responsibility to carry other people's disappointment.
• Why most things that we're afraid of are actually not that scary.

[01:13:00] The Bamboo Ceiling

• 411 Gay Hendricks | The Genius Zone: The Breakthrough Process to End Negative Thinking and Live in True Creativity
• The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
• Breaking the Bamboo Ceiling by Jane Hyun
• Why Asians only represent 2% of leadership roles in America.
• How Asians display confidence in a different way compared to Americans.
• Why we have internal and external ceilings that are holding us back.
• How we unconsciously hold ourselves back.

[01:19:00] Cultural + Social Conditioning

• How we learn as children who we're supposed to be.
• Why "I am" statements can help us find which stories we're most attached to.
• How we pick up cultural and social conditioning.

[01:23:05] Unapologetic Inner Child Healing

• What makes us attach to our trauma.
• Why John struggled with belonging.
• How he faced the shame of belonging in a psychedelic journey.
• What helped him remember the unconditional love of his mother.
• Why he felt sorry for not being better and not being more caring of his inner child.
• How our courage to share unlocks other people's healing.

[01:31:30] Compassion Is Courage

• How compassion is the holding of the intention of understanding before seeking to be understood.
• Why compassion is courage.
• How we're afraid of being known and knowing ourselves.
• The role of assertiveness and compassion in leadership.

[01:36:05] How to Be An Assertive + Compassionate Leader

• Why assertiveness is an action and compassion is an intention.
• How non-violent language is a self-assertive communication.
• Why we need to speak assertively to ourselves and have compassion for ourselves to be a true leader.
• Other people's reactions and opinions tell something about them, not about us.
• The importance of taking ownership of our actions.

[01:42:05] The Dangers of Social Media

• Why we need to be mindful of social media content that validates our beliefs.
• How John realized he was addicted to his phone and social media.
• Why the algorithm reinforces what we're interested in by tracking our behavior.
• How we get attached to our identity and victimhood.
• What it takes to become our true selves.
• Why fear can't exist in light when it's shared with others.

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Power Quotes From The Show

How Our Parents Condition Us

"What your mom said to you when you were a kid wasn't about you. She was telling it to her own inner child. She took that out on you because that's the only way she could think if I made you better, then I would be better. But when you're a kid, all you understand is the internalization that you're wrong, you're bad, and you're not good enough." - John Wang

We Take On Ancestral Patterns

"My grandparents were dealing with famine and war. And so I have the patterns they learned to survive in my body, even though I'm not facing famine and war. But yet that is the level of anxiety, fear, self-judgment, and guilt that I carry because they had to carry it. They're not mine. I didn't create them for my survival. I took them on because my parents taught them to me." - John Wang

Why We Hide Our Truth

"We fear telling the truth because if I can keep up this illusion of who others see me as, then one day I'll come to believe in myself. If I can convince you to like me, then I'll like me. If I can convince you to think that I'm important, then I'll think I'm important. If I'm trying to sell you a version of me, that relationship is poisoned." - John Wang

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Links From Today's Show 

• John Wang
• Big Asian Energy by John Wang
• 512 Alison Armstrong: Unconscious Emasculation, What Women Don’t Understand About Men + How To Get The Love You Want
• Cory Muscara
• The Work of Byron Katie
• Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton
• The Game by Neil Strauss
• 411 Gay Hendricks | The Genius Zone: The Breakthrough Process to End Negative Thinking and Live in True Creativity
• The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
• Breaking the Bamboo Ceiling by Jane Hyun

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About John Wang

John Wang is a leadership coach to the Asian American community, corporate speaker, and host of the Big Asian Energy podcast.

His mission is to help bring more Asian American leaders to the forefront of recognition and to empower the millions of them to step into their light.

John is the founder of Mastery Academy and has coached Asian American clients from Google, Apple, American Express, Goldman Sachs, and other Fortune 500 companies.

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