Aura, Pillar One: Confidence - Why Pushing Harder Isn’t Leadership (And What Is) Edge of the Napkin Series — Episode 21

Introduction: When Confidence Quietly Turns Into Pressure 

Most leaders I work with don’t lack confidence. 

They’re capable. 
They’ve proven themselves. 
They’ve built something real. 

And yet… 
there’s a familiar pattern I see again and again. 

When the outcome isn’t coming, they don’t pause. 

They push. 

They work longer hours. 
They inject more of themselves into the system. 
They become more present in every decision. 
They try to force momentum. 

I know this pattern well — because it used to be mine. 

For a long time, I believed that leadership meant doing more when things got hard. If results stalled, I assumed the answer was effort. More thinking. More talking. More fixing. And if it still didn’t work, I quietly blamed myself. 

What I didn’t understand then is what this napkin captures so simply: 

Confidence, on its own, can turn into overperformance. 

And overperformance isn’t leadership. 

It’s pressure disguised as commitment. 

 

The Napkin: The Overperforming Leader 

On the napkin, you’ll see a leader leaning forward, body tense, pushing a massive boulder labeled “Force Outcome.” 

Above it: 
Pillar One — Confidence 

Below it: 
The Leader’s Loop 

This image isn’t about laziness versus effort. 
It’s about where confidence goes when it isn’t supported. 

When confidence isn’t grounded in congruence, calm, and contribution, it doesn’t disappear. 

It pushes. 

 

What Overperformance Really Is 

Overperformance isn’t excellence. 
It isn’t high standards. 
And it isn’t caring too much. 

Overperformance is what happens when a leader pushes for outcomes instead of holding space for: 

• growth 

• learning 

• alignment 

• discovery 

• impact 

It looks productive. 
It feels responsible. 
But underneath, it’s a trust issue — not a work ethic issue. 

When leaders don’t trust the process, the team, or the timing, they compensate with effort. 

And the system feels it. 

 

My Own Pattern (And the Cost) 

When outcomes weren’t coming, I didn’t slow down. 

I worked more. 
I pushed harder. 
I forced clarity. 
I injected more of myself into the situation. 

And if it didn’t work? 

I internalized it. 

“I should have done more.” 
“I should have seen this sooner.” 
“I can’t let this fail.” 

What I couldn’t see at the time was that my overperformance was actually limiting others. 

I wasn’t holding the container. 

I was lifting the weight for everyone. 

 

Leadership Isn’t Pushing — It’s Holding 

One of the most important leadership shifts I’ve made is this: 

Leadership isn’t about pushing outcomes. 
It’s about holding the container. 

Holding the container means: 

• setting clear intent 

• establishing standards 

• staying present under pressure 

• allowing learning without panic 

• trusting people to step into capability 

When leaders push, teams hesitate. 

When leaders hold, teams rise. 

That’s real confidence. 

 

Confidence, Reframed 

Confidence is not believing you’ll win. 

It’s trusting that you can stay aligned — even when the outcome is uncertain. 

It’s knowing you don’t need to dominate the moment, rush the process, or rescue the system to prove your value. 

Confidence says: 

“I can hold this.” 

 

The Leader’s Loop (The Opposite of Forcing) 

At the bottom of the napkin is the loop that matters most: 

Hold Space → Trust First → Adjust → Stronger Action 

This isn’t passive. 
It’s disciplined. 

It replaces urgency with presence. 
Control with trust. 
Performance with development. 

And it works — not immediately, but sustainably. 

 

Five Key Takeaways from Episode 332 

1. Confidence Alone Can Create Pressure 

Confidence without balance often shows up as control and urgency. 
Take Action: Notice where your confidence is creating pressure instead of clarity. 

 

2. Overperformance Is a Trust Signal 

When you push harder, ask who you don’t trust — the team, the process, or yourself. 
Take Action: Identify one area where effort is replacing trust. 

 

3. Leadership Is About Holding, Not Pulling 

Great leaders don’t drag people forward — they create conditions for growth. 
Take Action: Ask, “What would holding space look like here?” 

 

4. Calm Is Not Optional 

Without calm, confidence turns into stress that leaks into the system. 
Take Action: Regulate yourself before trying to regulate outcomes. 

 

5. Growth Beats Forcing Every Time 

Capability emerges when people are trusted, not managed harder. 
Take Action: Step back from one decision this week and let your team step in. 

 

Final Thought 

The strongest leaders I know aren’t the ones pushing the hardest. 

They’re the ones who can stand still… 
stay present… 
and trust that growth is happening — even when it’s uncomfortable. 

So here’s the napkin question I’ll leave you with: 

Where are you pushing — when you could be holding? 

Write it down. 
Sit with it. 
And if it helps, jot it on a paper napkin and share it using #PaperNapkinWisdom. 

Because sometimes the biggest shift in leadership isn’t doing more. 

It’s trusting more.