230: A Delightful Conversation Fueled by Silence

It’s counterintuitive, I know, but delightful conversations are often fueled by the magic of silence interjected at strategic moments. I’ve got an example of this in today’s episode. I’m pretty sure you’re going to like this one. It involves a delightful conversation I recently had with a charming four-year -old child.

But first, I’m John Certalic, and you are listening to episode 230 of You Were Made for This, the podcast about enriching our lives by reflecting the character, image, and likeness of God in our relationships. It’s what we were made for. We were made for this.

I’m back

It’s been five months since you last heard from me in episode 229 entitled “Thankful for Encouraging People.” In that episode I mentioned I needed to take a break to catch up on a few things, and that I’d be having shoulder replacement surgery, followed by months of physical therapy. The surgery went well. I can now shake hands with people, type on a keyboard, and warm my coffee up in our microwave. I’m also nearing the end of my tiPT appointments.

So it’s good to be back behind the microphone talking to you. I’ll start with this first episode back by sharing a delightful conversation I had with a four-year-old girl that makes me smile whenever it comes to mind. I’m pretty sure 

It’s going to make you smile, too, as well as remind you of an important listening principle that can help deepen your relationships.

A visit from a mom and her two young children

This delightful conversation I’ve mentioned took place when a friend of ours came to our house to spend some girl time with my wife Janet. She came with two of her kids, a toddler, and his four-year-old sister, who I will call Emily. It’s not her real name, but I’ve always liked the sound of Emily. If Janet and I  would have had another daughter l would have liked to have named her Emily. It’s a perfectly symmetrical name. Three vowels separated by two consonants. And it’s such a soft and gentle-sounding name.

I happened to be home at the time our mom friend arrived, and I thought it might be helpful if I would entertain the kids so Janet and our young mom friend could chat without distraction.

So while Janet and Mom talked away in our dining area, I occupied the kids around a large square coffee table in our living room. We don’t have a large house, but it is open, and Mom could see her kids and me in the next room.

Unfortunately, it had been years since we last had toys for small children in our house. Our grandkids are now in their 20s and we got rid of the toys we used to have in the house for them. However, we did have a basket full of toys for our cat, Father Patrick O’Malley. 

Cat toys come in handy

I’ve mentioned  Father Patrick before in several episodes, so I won’t say anything more about him here. Except that he’s a great cat, and that if we ever get another cat, and it’s a female, I should like to name her Emily - Sister Emily. Sister Emily Frances to be exact.

Anyway, the cat toys did the job in amusing little brother, but Emily grew tired of them pretty quickly. At that point, I remembered one large picture 

book we had for kids, and got that out and started reading it to her. I got about two-thirds of the way through the book when boredom set in for little Emily. The book just wasn’t cutting it for her. 

Emily tried re-engaging with the cat toys, which were still holding the attention of little brother. But nothing captured her imagination. Emily glanced over at Mom, deep in a meaningful conversation with Janet, and must have realized they weren’t going to be leaving for home anytime soon.

I sat on our couch watching this cutest little four-year-old trying to solve her boredom problem when she walked over to get closer to me.  

Looking for a solution to boredom

Choosing her words very carefully, and while looking around the room, Emily softly  and deliberately asked, “Do you have a TV?”

I knew where this conversation was headed, but I became curious to see how we were going to get there.

My natural inclination would be to answer her question with something like, “Of course, would you like to watch something on TV? Let me ask your mom first to see  if that would be okay with her.”

But something inside of me said to hold back. Something larger is about to take place. Most four-year olds when they get bored will let you know it in no uncertain terms with their body language. They’ll look frustrated, beg Mom to leave, and otherwise whine about their current state. I’ve seen it hundreds of times, and I know you have, too.

But Emily was different. No whining, complaining, or pouting. Instead, she came up with a possible solution to her boredom problem in a way that it would look like it was my idea, rather than hers.  

Do you have a TV?

But instead of grabbing the bait at the end of the line she was throwing me, I did something different. I paused for several moments and simply said, 

“Yes.” 

That’s all I said, and waited for her to respond.

After several more moments of silence, this little girl turned her head every way you could turn it, looking for a TV in the room we were in. Not seeing one, she asked a follow-up question.

“Where is it?” 

I began smiling internally, thinking I’m enjoying our lovely little conversation maybe more than I should be.

Strategic silence

I paused for a few strategic seconds of silence before pointing to a bedroom on the east side of our house that she could not see, and said, “We keep it in a room over there.”

While eagerly waiting for what she was going to say next. I could see the wheels turning in her mind, crafting a response that would lead to getting what she wanted. After a pause longer than normal, she finally asked me a second follow-up question,

“Do you ever watch programs on it?”

It was all I could do not to burst out in laughter. But after a few more moments of silence Responded with just two words.

“I do.”

By now I knew it was time to bring this delightful conversation to a close and bite on the bait Emily was using to lure me in. I was about to ask her if she wanted me to find a program for her to watch on our TV when I heard a stirring in the next room. Mom and Janet began standing up from the table, signaling that Emily, Mom , and brother would soon be leaving.

Three observations from this delightful conversation

First off, I realized you can’t rely on cat toys to entertain small children. We are becoming friends with much younger people at our new church and we need to stock up on a few toys for when they visit us with their kids.

A second conversation observation is that it’s clear to me that Emily has been parented well. While her interaction with me may be in part because of her personality, it seems to me that the relational skills she demonstrated were the product of what she learned from her parents. Partly by instruction, I suspect, but largely by example.

Her parents deserve a lot of credit for teaching her how to relate with adults. Especially in this day and age when parenting is so much harder than when Janet and I were raising our kids. So many more challenges than decades ago.

Finally, my conversation with Emily would have been much less interesting if I had filled the long pauses in our interaction with words. Silence after my one-word answers to her questions gave her space to think and to ask follow-up questions.

As adults, we could all experience deeper, more meaningful conversations if we allowed for periods of silence. It not only creates room for people to ask 

meaningful follow-up questions, but it also gives people permission to let their thoughts more fully develop.

What made this conversation so delightful

The world that children like Emily live in certainly has it challenges. But it’s not tarnished with what adults face day in and day out. There’s an innocence about children that draws adults back to a simpler time when life was less stressful. It’s good to savor the beauty of childlike innocence from time to time. It calms the soul.

Another thing that was delightful was watching this four-year-old develop relational muscle in solving a problem. In this case, her problem was boredom. But she was too shy to simply ask, “Can I watch something on your TV?”

Instead, she asked me a question (do you have a TV?) that she hoped would lead down the path of me coming up with a solution to her problem, all the while thinking it was my idea and not hers. But I didn’t make it easy on her. It was wonderful to see how she asked follow-up questions to my one-word answers.  

Emily was so charming. It brings a smile to my face when I think of our brief interaction. Her parents have been blessed with a rare gem. It will be interesting to see how her inherent people skills grow as she matures.

Imagining the future

It lifted my spirits to imagine what this four-year-old will be like in another 35-40 years. Her relational intelligence even at this early stage of her life will give her a head start in dealing with the relational encounters she will have in years to come.

It also made me think of ways I could get what I wanted by being more charming and winsome like Emily. Advance my idea by creating an environment where someone else thinks it’s their idea. Go slower, be more patient with people. Be gentle with them. Yeah, that’s what I learned from this four-year-old that morning a few weeks ago.

So what does this delightful conversation mean for YOU? 

The scriptures tell us we are all made in the image and likeness of God. We were made to relate to people in ways that reflect God’s character. And one aspect of God’s character is that he is sometimes silent in relating to us. Not out of indifference to us, or displeasure with us. No, it’s just the opposite. 

He is sometimes silent to draw out the best in us. To develop our character, to teach us new skills, to help us become the best version of ourselves. And we can do the same thing for other people (even with four-year-old children) when we are strategically silent with them for the same purpose.

We were made for this.

Closing

As we close up shop for today, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to periodically create space for silence in your conversations so the other person you’re speaking with can more fully process what’s on their mind and heart.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of being the person you were created to be, a person who reflects the character of God by listening well to others.

Because after all, You Were Made for This.

I’d love to hear your thoughts or reactions to today’s episode. Just go to the show notes for today’s program at JohnCertalic.com, then scroll down to the end to the “Leave a comment” box. I’d love to hear about any delightful conversations you have with a young child. It will help keep us both young.

Finally, remember to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Prior recent episode

229: Thankful for Encouraging People

All past and future episodes can be found at JohnCertalic.com